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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
 Posted - 02/05/2010 : 18:43:08
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I have started writing things down again and I am keeping a little diary with me. When the pain gets bad I scribble a few thoughts and remind myself that the pain is psychological not physical.
I have a few things I would like to share and ask. Please feel free to give me yr thoughts/ comments.
First as some of you may know I have had some childhood problems. Not until I started journaling did I realise the magnitude of these issues.
There was physical violence in my family never at me though. My dad was awful to my mom and I lived with this till I was 11. On a summer holiday to my grandparents in India I decided not to go back home to HK and spent the next 13 yrs with them. Of course I was escaping what was going on at home. I think my mom was quite pleased that I wouldn't have to go thru any more trauma. My father was disappointed coz he genuinely adored me. He was a very intelligent man who had a lot of his own demons.
Anyway since i was a kid, I would scream, shout and get very angry in my sleep almost every night. I would also cry out for my mom. People I know would aways remark on this. this continued till I got married. My husband said that I still screamed during the first couple of yrs we got married and then I stopped. Now there is no more screaming or shouting at all.
That is about the time the pain started.
Now my question. What do i do ? I obviously can't start shouting again, yet it is clear that this rage is manifesting itself as serious pain. How do I address this. I know that writing is one way but if there is anything else you could think of I'd really like to hear what you have to say.
Another question is did anyone have an increase in their pain levels when they first started journaling or did they have any insights when they journaled
Thanks
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
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altherunner
Canada
511 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 21:49:10
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| I was able to see by journalling that a client of mine was causing pain. This person was really just putting me over the top, the true cause was from childhood. I didn't have an increase in pain when journalling. Facing the Fire by John Lee was helpful in expressing anger. Having a chat with a tms counselor, and journalling really helped turn the corner. |
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2010 : 04:24:55
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I'd second the recommendation of Facing the Fire.
In the meantime, find a good pillow to punch and a place to scream or shout. If you don't have a place where you can scream comfortably, you could try Scott Murray's recommendation of a "silent scream" - open your mouth wide and let out the scream, but don't vocalise it, just "whisper" it.
Hilary N
PS Check out this free resource, too:
http://www.redirectingselftherapy.com/ |
Edited by - HilaryN on 02/06/2010 04:29:10 |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2010 : 06:30:07
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Thx altherunner & Hilary.
It's not that I don't get angry. In fact I think I'm quite quick tempered & am not shy about expressing my feelings but I do need an external trigger. I'll take anyone on if they are rude to me or others in front of me.
Its that I find it difficult to express anger when I'm journaling.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
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catspine
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2010 : 14:06:24
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Mala
There is a strong possibility that the time at which you stopped was the time repression began and that you need to find out why.
quote:
Its that I find it difficult to express anger when I'm journaling.
For a start if you have time to read there must be some well known authors who can inspire you to do this in your own way. Ask your librarian for help. Good luck |
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2010 : 15:29:25
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Try punching the pillow anyway. You may not feel the anger initially but it may come. See the link I posted.
Hilary N |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2010 : 20:46:29
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Thx Hilary, will do.
Catspine, before I got married I was very quick tempered. I still am and can easily lash out at people especially when I see any injustice be it to people or animals.
My husband is a very gentle, kind & gregarious person who does not like any kind of angst or conflict or argument. When I as single I would have flaming arguments with just about everyone but my husband will not engage me at all.
The first 6 months of married life were difficult in that I got married at 36 and my husband was 38 so there was a lot of adjusting going on and I would get angry at something childish or the other. My husband would not engage and in his own gentle way he would either say something humorous to diffuse the argument or just keep quiet. Over time i realized that he was actually right that what I was getting my knickers in a twist about was really not worth it.
When i thought about it i decided that he was right. He is kind, loving, my best friend, gives me anything i want, compliments me all the time and asks nothing in return. So I gave up the angst & that was about when the screaming and shouting in my sleep also stopped.
Perhaps my inner child didn't like that.
There is also something else I would like to ask. I obviously can't change things in my past so does that mean the rage will always be there. Will just acknowledging things be enough to lessen the so called 'reservoir of rage' and stop it from overflowing and causing physical discomfort. Also if there is so much emotional trauma how do i know that what i am focusing on is indeed the cause of my pain.
Thanks
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
Edited by - mala on 02/06/2010 20:57:38 |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2010 : 04:10:49
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sounds like the pain has it's origin in rage that has manifested itself from bitterness and resentment.
This may seem harsh, but it's my first impression after reading the thread.
I feel you have buried your anger at your parents. At the time getting away from them was a relief in your teens. What was once relief turned into the said "bitterness and resentment" in that "how could my parents let me go, or force me to move out."
Deep feelings of neglect grew and grew. And perhaps as your parents wanted you back they instilled in you a deep sense of guilt that you carry for leaving them. Your mother may have burdened you with the feeling that she blames you for leaving cause she needed you.
And what do you know, you found the perfect punching bag (unconciously) your husband to release this permanent pressure valve that was created as a result. A punching bag is just that, an absorber, and does not fire back. Your common sense (conciousness) took over and asked whats the point of continuing to damage this wonderful guy, and the pressure valve remained shut.
You were'nt lashing out at his actions, instead, when you snapped back at him all the time you simply were screaming out unconciously "It's not my damn fault! Don't you see, I'm not a bad person, you pushed me away (mom, dad), I had no choice, I was an innocent child, and was deeply mentally abused and did what any normal human would do, escape. And you guys blame me, and guilt me, how dare you."
But of course as the good daughter, you can't say that to them, it would hurt them greatly to hear the truth. And it would screw things up, perhaps cut the ties to any relationship you have with them now.
Based on my experience, I don't think smashing things will work, or punching a pillow. Rather, simply acknowledge the pain is due to that rage which has manifested itself from "bitterness and resentment" towards your parents that is impossible to be expressed. And I could see where Schubiners course could help you because it's heavy on forgiveness. Of course you can't forgive your parents directly, that would be inhuman. Rather, thru the writing excercises you could develop a sense of compassion for what they were going thru at the time they "let you go" and also look into their pasts and see why they are the way they are. And see that deep down they love you to death, but wern't given, or have developed the skills to show you. And perhaps that tortures them.
On the harshest note, (God I hope your hubby does'nt see this, and it's way out of line, but your'e in deep pain, and thats perhaps from deep conflict, so here goes )you may have gotten married for the wrong reasons. And since you don't beat your husband up any more, whats the attraction? That perhaps was the most comforting aspect of him. Perhaps he felt more needed when you snapped at him alot. Maybe screw the writing and forgiving and just start screaming at him again . Maybe it will spark romance, idk.
I'm sure theres more glue to the relationship than that, and I'm no trained counselor, and don't have the perfect marriage, but these are the first thoughts that hit me. |
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marsha
252 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2010 : 09:34:20
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I think that we use anger, rage and lashing out to repress our feelings.
Anger is a good camouflage for fear, sadness, shame etc. When life isn’t perfect in our eyes we become angry. Anger is easier than to feel like a failure.
Example: A good friend, I thought my closest friend recently remarried. Both my husband and I were at her side when her first husband died. He was like a member of our family. We loved him as much as we loved her. Anyway she remarried and we were not invited to her wedding. “Family only” she said. I thought we were family. My thoughts went to anger. I could hardly be in her company without feeling my blood start to boil. What I did was repress my disappointment, sadness and feeling of not being important enough. Feeling those feelings was too painful so I repressed them with anger.
In general I think TMSers bock most of our feelings, even those wonderful good ones. Coping with feelings is so frightening to us we cover them up as quickly as we can.
So many of us know about what happened to us to make us the way we are.
You may never be able to feel the feelings you have neatly tucked away but you will be able to feel what you need to fell about today. Thinking psychologically doesn’t necessarily mean going back into your past, it may be that you need to feel what you are pushing away, what really hurts. In this moment feel.
Anger, for me is a reaction a blocking mechanism. I also block with over analyzing, talking until I cannot listen to myself anymore, and rationalizing. There are surely many more ways I have learned to suppress my feelings. I had some good teachers. Ah good old mom..
Mala you will come out of this and be fine. Treat the illnesses that are pathological with good standard medical treatments. Take care of your TMS by not over thinking and if you can do not suppress how you feel deep down and honestly. For me therapy with a good analytical therapist helps quite a bit.
Marsha
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catspine
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2010 : 14:03:05
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Mala
You can not change your past but you can change what you think of it which is just as good. That's what accepting is about.
I'll start by answering the last question you asked hoping it will help:
I will use my own experience for this purpose.
It took time but my back pain started to go away after reading and using Dr Sarno's book HBP. I have absolutely no idea what the cause of the rage was or even if rage was really the emotion that was repressed nor when the repression dated from . the only indication I have is when the first time pain started, in my case the migraines were followed by back pain and then syndrome imperatives. The first two never returned and I trust the third may never return either once it will be gone.
There are a few options here: either it is the same repressed emotion that comes back every time or a different one each time or both. I just don't know.
What I do know is that the simple fact to know why I was in pain -that it was TMS and not the damaged disks that caused the pain - was enough to make it go away. the brain strategy was defeated. The nature of the emotion apparently did not matter for me but it may be different for other people. it may be the emotion itself that matters the most or both.
As I'm reading your post it is obvious now that something important happened both at the time the shouting started and at that time the shouting stopped and it should be addressed at least to understand the how it worked but keep in mind it may not be what caused your current problem because there is no way to know unless the pain goes away after a while following this revelation and then you'll know that's what it was...
If that’s it what you wrote is crucial but you must learn how to read through it.
It’s not for me to tell you what to do but I wonder if you ever talked to your husband about this in details. Have you ever asked him why he never engages you ? He is no fool If he is wise enough not to fuel the fire of your anxiety and anger a lot of good may come out of sharing your thoughts and it will bring great relief on both sides (but don’t think for a minute that this situation is easy for him): You will feel better and he will stop worrying about what’s going to happen to you. This may scare you but on the other hand it may be easier than you think and will benefit you both greatly. an other thing is that maybe your husband liked you the way you were when you met ( when you had fits) I suppose it was not a big issue then because he knows what to do about it . There is enough in this world to get mad about so the energy doesn't have to be aimed at him once you know where it's coming from so as he apparently can do that well let him help you make the best of it . No man likes to feel useless. Communicate.
I just read skizzic ‘s post and it looks like ’’he took the wind out of my sails’’ before I could write almost the same thing he did (thanks to him for shortening my post). Base on the information you gave us about the context Mala I share his point of view on the subject but you don’t have to stress about this the improvement it will bring far outweighs the discomfort and the inconvenience and you’re lucky you caught it before it turns into something more nasty. After all your health is at stake.
One thing at a time . Think about this for now , more will come later and help you through the process.
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2010 : 22:47:25
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Skizz, Marsha & catspine.
I have read yr posts again & again and just now I have made extensive notes in my diary. I can't believe how much there is for me to process and how much I would not have been able to focus on if you had not given me such great feedback. It has help to take my level of awareness up a notch.
Yes, I am now beginning to see that there is a reason for the anger and that the inner child is very angry at suppressing the shame, guilt & fear & of so many years. These are areas I am going to journal & think about.
I think I have played down a lot of what happened to me and have tried to somehow hide everything deep deep inside.
I remember for eg how one night, I was abut 6 or 7 that my mom drank a bottle of pesticide , locked the door from the inside & threw away the keys. She had had enough. They saved her of course thank God but funnily enough I never thought how that must have affected me until just now or i never wanted to think about it i guess. Very selfish in a way but perhaps my way of surviving the ordeal.
Thx.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
Edited by - mala on 02/07/2010 23:13:49 |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 02/14/2010 : 20:40:53
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Hi & A Very Happy Year of the Tiger to you all. I wish you all good health & prosperity & peace in the coming year.
Have been trying to think physical & journal without going too crazy. Still in a lot of pain. Went to cambodia for 3 days trying to ignore the pain. Limping around on sore knees and finding it difficult to sit for too long but still trying to ignore the pain.
Sorry to focus so much on the physical aspects but I feel a lot of tightness/inflammation in my left inner thigh from my knee to my groin especially at night when sleeping and I have this weird tendon/iflammation kind of pain going from my left shoulder to my lower back/ tummy area which keeps pulling when I sit. It's awful. I can actually feel this tight fibrous band all the time
Anybody have anything similar?
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
Edited by - mala on 02/14/2010 21:22:20 |
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catspine
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - 02/15/2010 : 02:18:17
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Hi Mala
Nice to hear you're moving around and found the posts helpful.
Asfor your question: yes I do feel these strange things happening too . I experiment with them when they pop up sometimes. for example I had a pain developing in my right hand and it was really annoying .I knew there was nothing wrong with the hand so I had an idea : I completely ignore the right hand and used the left one instead and guess what the pain was gone in no time ! maybe you can trick your brain in the same way with your leg or shoulder...
Good luck |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2010 : 01:05:57
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Thx catspine. I'll try some of those 'tricks'. In truth I've never stopped moving as painful as it may get I will drag myself off somewhere to do something.
The pain is at its worse ever and I mean it is bad. My knee and back are sore to the point where I'm crying and at night I have started waking up absolutely drenched in sweat feeling really really sick. This happenes at least once every night.
After that anxiety sets in and my sleep is gone.
Don't feel like eating or doing anything.
Don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm at an all time low. Having very depressing thoughts.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2010 : 10:08:56
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I think it's high time you got some medically prescribed xanax or mjwana (if they do that in Hong Kong) and kick back and watch the telly in total bliss for a night or two and pass out in total comfort on your bed and wake up feeling like you have'nt slept that hard in a long time. Or you and the hubby go out to dinner while he drives and you get sloshed and just have a good time for once. Wether that helps in the long run or not, not sure, but you really need a break from the pain and the whole psychosomatic bizzaro world.
I think you need to treat yourself Mala for a night, or two or three. What if you had this to look forward to once or twice a month, would the quality of your life improve and perhaps be a catalyst to recovery? Just sayin. Just knowing your'e gonna get a break here and there, doe'snt that feel good? Go for it! |
Edited by - skizzik on 02/16/2010 10:12:35 |
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catspine
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - 02/16/2010 : 14:18:58
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Mala
You say you feel really really sick and according to the context you describe it may be the anxiety even though you're a sleep, I remember those days I would wake up soaking wet and drag myself to the bathroom feeling and looking like a zombie as if I had lost 5 pounds in an hour. the result of course was: PANIC! you guessed it .
It would be a good idea to take your temperature at that time just to make sure you don't have fever.
As for the anxiety there are things you can do that are simple.
Fear like anything else has its weaknesses and the biggest one is what it needs to set in. If you practice to eliminate what it needs there will be no fear and therefore more comfort.
When the anxiety tries to set in you're already in search mode for what's happening or you imagine what will happen next ( or what will never happen that could be to your disadvantage of course) FEAR always need the negative and a projection in the past or the future to kick in remember that every time it knocks on your door.
When the anxiety tries to set in you're already in search mode for what's happening. Well you know what's happening you're dealing with TMS! so you can give this search up for the moment. it is your own questions to which you don't have any answers that create tension. You simply DO NOT want to go there! try to recall something pleasant and stay there for a while. No drifting away in the wrong direction please.
If you're relaxed and your body is relaxed the fear can not come in . it just can't.
Also try to visit a web site with uplifting quotes, it's easy to do, read a whole bunch of them if you like you 'll probably find in there something that will do it for you. especially if you do it while you're feeling down.
It may sound too good to be true but don't underestimate the power of your needs just try it you got nothing to loose. while doing it you could have some 'munchies' just to keep the body pleased and running smoothly. Hunger supports depressing thoughts.
Being down is a cycle and it needs to be broken to feel better and it is your decision. The decision is the difficult part what will follow is much easier.
PS.
I posted this for Susan on an other page but I believe you can make use of it:
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/post.asp?method=Edit&REPLY_ID=41120&TOPIC_ID=6169&FORUM_ID=2
Please let me know if you can not access it .
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Edited by - catspine on 02/16/2010 14:34:18 |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 02/17/2010 : 01:59:34
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Hi Skizz,
Thanks for the advice but that is pretty much how I live at the moment. I don't work & I have now been in Thailand for a month.
We eat out every night and I go for foot massages nearly every other day, catch a movie during the day and walk around the city, coffee by the river etc etc . It's pretty much how we live here in the far east. No need to do housework coz we all have helpers. Only responsibility is a dawg.
I can't get drunk coz I get sick after 2 glasses of wine . I don't know about the marijuana or the xanax but I really feel I am ready for some strong medication. No anti inflammatories though coz they did cause intestinal bleeding last time.
Catspine,
Thanks I did check the link. Yes it is Panic . I'm not very good at trying to relax and I have tried many methods like pranayama breathing, EFT, but it does not come easy to me but like to said i have to keep trying and try to break the cycle.
I have been googling sites on how to cope with pain etc and will keep doing that.
Thanks to you both again
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
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guej
115 Posts |
Posted - 02/17/2010 : 06:29:16
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Mala,
I was literally incoherent with pain last year. I didn't leave my house, and I could barely take care of my kids or work from home. I experienced horrible side effects from the usual pain medications that seemed to help everyone else (percocet, vicodin, dilaudid). So I suffered needlessly for months, had no semblence of a life, and really became very depressed and hopeless. My friends kept encouraging me to work with a pain management doctor. I finally found a doctor I really liked, and a pain medication that helped tremendously with almost no side effects for me (Tramadol or Ultram). Once I got a little pain relief, I started to live again. I found Dr. Sarno and began my journey down this road. The pain medication was the "crutch" I needed to catapult my recovery. With a little pain relief, I could apply Dr. Sarno's concepts and I started to get active again.
To this day, I still take medication every day, but much less than a year ago. I am constantly working towards taking nothing someday. I'm over the guilt of taking it. I can't even think straight to even try to apply Sarno's concepts if I'm in too much pain. My body was so tense and my nerves so overactive when I was in constant pain. Pain medication, for me at least, gave my mind and body a break, and they started to calm down. It was the break I needed. You know you are suffering from TMS. You know there is a psychological way out of this. I just think you need some temporary help to get over this hump. I see a psychologist who is a big fan of "symptom" relief while we work on the underlying reasons why I am still in pain. I never treat the medication as a "cure", but more like a "temporary aide". Chronic, severe pain is a vicious cycle. Pain builds upon pain, and seems to spiral the whole thing out of control. You need to find something to help you break that cycle so you can get back on track with all you know about TMS. Good luck Mala. |
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RageSootheRatio
Canada
430 Posts |
Posted - 02/17/2010 : 09:09:18
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Mala, I really feel for you. Just wanted to add a voice of support. The *inability* to relax has been one of my biggest problems. I agree that you really need a break from the pain cycle. I recall someone (sorry, can't remember who posted this) wrote:
>Sometimes all you can do is ride out a pain episode. I saw Dr. Sarno in the early 1990's. During one of his lectures, someone asked him what to do when you had a severe pain attack. He replied, with a twinkle in his eye, "go to bed with a good book and a bottle of wine".
It is hard to do any journaling, think psychological, etc, get on w/ life when one is consumed with a really acute pain (or anxiety) episode.
I have had very heartening success with my headache issues using Dr. Sarno's approach. (Perhaps not AS much success with some of the "equivalents" but none have been as debilitating and chronic as the headaches!)
In terms of my inability to relax and for more longer-term help, I found Berceli's Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) the most helpful, along with the Solution Method. For more about my experiences with TRE, just do a search on this forum for "Trauma Release" in the subject line. The Solution Method of journaling (which I learned about from someone on this board .. THANKS again, MizLori!!) has also been a life-saver. (A search on "Solution Method" will turn up many of the threads.) Another *excellent* resource which I just found recently (wish I had had it a couple years ago!) is the book, "The Way of the Journal - A Journal Therapy Workbook for Healing" by Kathleen Adams. It really helped explain how to SAFELY journal ...
But I think the most important thing (and maybe the hardest??) is breaking the pain /inability to relax cycle, so you at least can get a break!!
Wishing you the best,
RSR |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 02/18/2010 : 00:49:47
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Hey guej, I think you are spot on about taking appropriate medication under a specialist. Isn't it odd that there are so many people who are so adverse to taking medication especially people who have pain. It's a kind of conditioning I'm sure. I fight it all the time & I think it has a lot to do with people around me always telling me that it is 'bad' to take medication but I do believe that it is important in like you said breaking the pain cycle & trying to live a normal life.
The europeans have a much more healthy attitude towards medicating I think. They don't see the point in suffering.
RSR thanks for the info on Trauma release & journaling. I will definitely look them up.
I was googling & found this very interesting article on pain. Also interesting is the link to another article on why woman have more pain than men.
http://www.livescience.com/health/060131_pain_truths.html
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
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catspine
USA
239 Posts |
Posted - 02/18/2010 : 00:53:57
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quote:
I don't work & I have now been in Thailand for a month.
We eat out every night and I go for foot massages nearly every other day, catch a movie during the day and walk around the city, coffee by the river etc etc . It's pretty much how we live here in the far east. No need to do housework coz we all have helpers. Only responsibility is a dawg.
Hi Mala
Thanks to you , I'm discovering what life in the South East can be like and it sounds good to me . It would be much better if you didn't have the pain and panic attacks though.
You mention responsibilities and having no idea of how much time you can spend away from it I'm wondering if these could add or contribute to your difficulty to relax. On the other hand if you have a lot of time to spare it may allow your mind to dwell on the pain because you don't have much else to think about. Of course you're the only one that has the answer to that and who may change that if that's the case.
If that were the case then how about defeating the pain or anxiety generating pattern by investing your time differently into something that keeps your mind very busy... Is there place where you could volunteer some of your time to give it a try in order to find out? maybe a charity or with elderly people . this is just an idea to get you away from thinking about your own problems for some time but you'd have to adapt it to what is possible to do where you are. (I have never been there yet.)
Except for your description of the pains you go through do you think that you could be a bit disconnected from your body?. It's often the case with people who are unable to relax because they don't know how to monitor the body signals when they are tense and where in the body the tension is because of course you must know how to read the "tension map" to be able to do something about it before it gets too bad and difficult to eliminate.
Maybe you can find a physical therapist who can teach you how to release the tension after becoming aware of it. It may spare you from the pain medication which you can always use on special occasions if you need.
I know it's not easy but even if you only succeed 40% you are still better off than you were. the more you do it the better at it you'll get and it will become a great asset quickly.
Just trying to help . Good luck
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Edited by - catspine on 02/18/2010 00:54:28 |
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starting to journal
