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sfu999
4 Posts |
 Posted - 01/15/2010 : 12:20:12
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This might be a bit long, so I apologize in advance. I will, however, attempt to keep things as simple as possible.
I’m a twenty year-old male. My age has been one of the main deterrents I have faced in finding help and answers, as most TMS patients are older. Currently, I’m in my sophomore year at a small liberal arts university, where I run NCAA Division I track and cross country. Running has been my life since I was old enough to go out for the junior varsity team in 7th grade. By collegiate standards, I’m an average runner, but by high-school standards, I ran well enough to earn moderate scholarship at the school I now attend. I love running, but lately I feel as though my relationship with the sport has been strained.
My first encounter with what I now have self-diagnosed as TMS occurred in my Junior year of high-school at a championship cross country race. At the time, I described the pain to my coach and parents as a back cramp. It ruined my race that day, but I was back training as if nothing had ever happened almost immediately after. I never felt another thing until a year later. After having the best cross country season of my career, and winning my last few meets convincingly, I was incredibly confident that I could win my district race and possible even compete well at the state-level. However, in the one week of down-time between the regular season and our district championship race, my lower back began to tighten. It was such a dull, yet uncomfortable pain. It wasn’t killing me, so I ran through it. A week later, I came in 40th place in a meet I should have had a chance at winning.
I ended up having a very good outdoor track season in the following spring of my Senior year, except for a strange bout with some painful acid reflux in the time following the season and into the summer. Again, I thought nothing of it at the time. Besides for that, my summer between high school and college went pretty well. As college started, I was eager to prove that I deserved to run for a division I program, and that I could be one of the strongest runners on the cross country team for the fall. After two decent races to start the season, I ended up dropping out of our third meet of the year with the most intense back pain I had ever experienced. It was hard for me to describe to the school training staff, but I’m sure most of you on this site know the feeling. It felt as though I was being stabbed in the left side of the small of my back with a knife. I couldn’t walk normally. Limping from PT session to PT session, the doctors on campus tried to diagnose me, but couldn’t do anything but claim that I was enduring a muscle spasm that would work its way out through heat and electrical stimulation therapy. It did help, actually, as I was running comfortable again come December, and ended up having a successful indoor track season. During outdoor season in the spring, I upped my mileage to 80+ a week, and really intensified my training in an effort to ensure a great season. I was running with the best guys on the team, and my coach repeatedly told me that I had potential to be a key point scorer at our championship meet at the end of the season. From there, though, everything seemed to go downhill. At a very competitive meet at the College of William and Mary, I was having the race of my life in the 5k. Through two miles, I was on pace to lower my personal record by over twenty seconds. I ended up limping the last mile, as again, my back pain returned. Infuriated, I threw my running spikes against the wall and went for a 14 mile run just out of pure anger. I felt fine for all 14 miles—no pain whatsoever. I continued to have a mediocre season. My coach accused me of being a head-case, using a “phantom injury” as an excuse for collapsing under pressure. It was around this time that my dad first introduced me to TMS. I don’t know what stopped him from doing it earlier. Little did I know, he had attended Dr. Sarno’s lectures many times in the past, as he had suffered from crippling back pain throughout his late twenties. He gave me a copy of “Healing Back Pain: The Mind Body Connection.” I read it twice from cover-to-cover. I recommended it to my coach, hoping that it would provide some sort of insight into what I was dealing with. He essentially laughed, suggesting that I can’t believe everything I read.
After track season, I took a lot of time off from running, just to separate myself from all the negative feelings I was starting to associate with the sport. Then came the final straw. Early in the summer, I entered a fairly competitive 10k road race near where I live. I had ran the race several times in years past, always for the fun of competition. I planned on doing the same this time. I didn’t train for the race, other than some easy mileage for a week or two before. I convinced myself that I did not care about the race, and that I was just running to have fun. On race day, I was noticing a strange sensation in my groin—almost as if I was being shocked with each step. Worried, I took a few Advil before the race began. It was one of the best races of my life, without a doubt. I finished 20th out of 1,000+ people, and really felt great about myself. No more than three minutes after I had crossed the finish line, I couldn’t walk. It might have been the most excruciating pain I had ever faced in my life. Immediately, my dad got on my case. “Haven’t you been reading the Sarno book!?” Of course I had. What seemed strange, though, was that it was not having the miracle effects on me that it seemed to have on others. I continued to devote myself to Dr. Sarno’s philosophy. I bought his DVD lecture, and continued to read success stories on-line. Nothing was helping me. I even started a log, documenting the stresses I faced each day, as well as possible triggers for my TMS pain. Still, my pain persisted—coming and going, switching locations, and varying in intensity.
Now here I am over six months later. I have a new coach who is much more on-board with the issues I face every day, and is very interested in keeping me pro-active. He read Dr. Sarno’s book, and said he could totally accept TMS as a real disease. Lately I have been working out very well, with minimal pain. The reason I decided to share my story with everyone now is because my pain is starting to return. I can feel it creeping back slowly, and it’s scaring me to think that this all could happen again. It’s just so hard for me, as it all seems like an endless cycle. By the time I recover from my pain and start running well again, I begin to fear success and break down under pressure, inevitable leading to more pain. I’ve had very little success in finding people with stories similar to mine. Most people I read about are older and run out of enjoyment or to keep in shape. Running is my life. For anybody who read this far, thanks a lot. I really do appreciate any advice anybody is willing to offer. It’s really great to have a community like this.
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francisair
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 01/15/2010 : 17:56:50
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sfu999
What amazes me is the times where you had pain in the meet and ran 14 miles afterward pain free and the other time when you ran the race pain free and got pain right after. If this isn't the mind doing it's insidious work I don't know what would it be. Anyway I wonder what do you feel it may be if it's TMS. By that I mean what and why are you suppressing? I hear the need to prove yourself and the idea of running being your "life" seems like it has an element of escaping in it. Sorry to sound so cliche but running from what?? Just my feeling... maybe wrong. Perfectionism not being good enough lots of things create TMS so I'm only throwing out suggestions. Hope to hear about your progress. |
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sfu999
4 Posts |
Posted - 01/16/2010 : 17:46:50
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francisair,
You deffinitely raise a good point. My sudden onsets of TMS pain will usually come only when I am performing well. During easy training runs or races where I'm feeling tired, I usually never deal with pain. This leads me to believe that I am afraid of success and achievement. Once I get to the level I want to be at physically, I begin to digress due to pain because I start thinking too much. As for surpressing negative emotions, I really can't think of anything in particular, other than that I often become fearful of running when I feel my TMS coming back, and try to convince myself that I am not. Other than that, though, I've been keeping a journal of my everyday stresses, and that really just doesn't seem to be uncovering anything substantial. |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 01/16/2010 : 19:20:52
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sfu, I don't know why, but your post was a very fun read. I found myself pulling for you in all your races .
Theres a book I really reccommend for you, as I was gonna reccomend it here at some point, and this seems like a good time because as you described your races, it reminded me of how the author described his matches and how tense I got to find out what happened.
It's "Open", Andre Agassi's new Biography. It's a great read, and is SO tms worthy (you'll see why in the first chapter). Got it from library as it's not in paperback yet.
Here's a guy tortured by lower back pain, and his diagnosis, yet the links to tms are so painfully (excuse the pun) obvious that I wonder if you could relate to anything he's going/went thru. I don't know, just a suggestion. I read your post, and thought of reccommending this book to you, call it the law of attraction, perhaps you'll get something out of it, find a hidden stressor perhaps.
You're too young to remember Andre the way I remembered him, but he was the Jordan/woods/Gretzky of tennis and was the cool dude on all the commericials, but he was living a lie.
Maybe deep down your'e running for the wrong reasons. Like Fran pointed out you were fine for the 14 mile run, or you had fun at the 10k. But when the pressure was on, perhaps your ego was tied into the identity of being the best runner or to hell with running, and there's the conflict...maybe.. |
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HellNY
130 Posts |
Posted - 01/16/2010 : 23:17:05
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"I can feel it creeping back slowly, and it’s scaring me to think that this all could happen again."
The very mechanism through which it can return. The very fuel it needs. Cut off the fuel supply and it dies. |
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sfu999
4 Posts |
Posted - 01/17/2010 : 20:56:05
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@skizzik:
Hey thanks a lot for your reply and the book suggestion! I'll see if I can pick up a copy somewhere. Hopefully my campus library will have it. I know it was making headlines when it was released, so I'm sure I'll find it eventually. And I do agree with your point about running for fun versus running to satisfy my ego. It's a pattern I have deffinitely picked up on and am looking into. Thanks again.
@HellNY:
I totally agree with you. My dad says the same thing to me all the time. It's difficult to completely disregard the fear of pain, as I'm sure most of you are familliar with, but I'm certainly working on it. Thanks a lot for your reply. |
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Carole
USA
49 Posts |
Posted - 01/24/2010 : 18:29:40
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Hi this is Carole's husband Jim who is also a runner.
Carole shared your post with me and it brought back many memories of pains and other ailments that would appear without any realistic origin.
Your story of running 14 miles after a bout of the pain reminded me of about six years ago for a month, once a week I would experience asthma-like shortness of breath for no reason. I was running the Indpls half marathon in mid-October and had to drop out at 4.5 miles because I couldn't breath. It was my only time ever to drop out of a race. On the way home, I stopped and ran nine miles along a new trail with no symptoms whatsoever. And it never returned.
I read Dr. Soper's book and it was very helpful.
I try to remember that when pains occur to realize when there is no reason for it, it loses its power.
The Dr. says that pain can only come about through twisting, contusion or hyperextension.
Sometimes after a hard day of work, I will be walking from my car to change clothes for an hour run in the evening. On my way to the gym from the car, I will experience ankle soreness, heel tenderness, etc out of the clear blue for no other reason is that my mind is helping me find and excuse not to go for a run. It reaches back to areas where I have experienced injuries in the past (junior high school - 40 years ago) because that would be logical for it to hurt there.
This summer I was getting ready for an eight hour run in Illinois. I had really bombed there last year because I had stomach pain from what I was convinced was a hernia (had one when I was 17 in 1972). So I was returning this year. Suddenly I had lower back pain for no reason. Finally Carole said, "Maybe you are nervous about the race". So that morning as I was hobbling through a mile run, I made up a plan for Saturday for the run as to how I would pace myself, etc and ran a couple of miles a that pace and the pain was gone. I did fine in the run except it ninety degrees the last couple of hours but no bad effects.
I find that if I am expecting and waiting for these myriad of ailments to occur, they will.
If I am focused positively on the run and set some goals that are realistic and sometimes more subjective that objective it will be fine.
So what works for me is when these things occur, recognize the affected area and why it is being affected as it relates to something that my brain will see as logical.
Then I can convince myself that there is no reason for the pain so it really shouldn't be there.
And try to see what the psychological reasons for it such as trying to convince me not to go for a run after a hard day work.
Good luck to you in your training and spring season. |
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Carole
USA
49 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2010 : 14:51:18
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sfu,
Let us know how you're doing and especially after your next meet.
Carole |
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sfu999
4 Posts |
Posted - 01/29/2010 : 12:55:50
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Jim,
Thanks so much for your reply. Many of your experiences mirror my own almost exactly. For instance, I work a pretty physical job over the summer at an amusement park, pushing around go-karts, lifting lots of heavey objects, and the like. When my TMS really acted up last summer, there were many times where I could spend all day moving go-karts around without pain, and then struggle to run a few miles in the eveneing when I got home. Also, I really feel as you do, feeling as though my body is just attempting to give me a reason not to run. I've always heard that the best way to cure TMS is to find out what it is that is so stressful, the body would rather be in physical pain than have to deal with whatever is bothering it. For me, I think that "sress" is running in general, and my pain always seems to return when I am most worried it will, just as you said.
Thanks for the best wishes on the spring season. I'll be sure to update this thread as I get back into racing (hopefully with good news!). Thanks everyone for the replies. |
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Collegiate Running and TMS
