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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
 Posted - 01/07/2005 : 08:36:14
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Jeffrey,
I was quite moved by your posts. I am very fortunate that my husband has always been very supportive of my healing; it was extremely helpful for me to have him as a sounding board for my thoughts on TMS, for the thinking-out-loud that I did in the beginning when I was trying to determine if TMS was indeed what I had and then trying to root out where my rage was. I am sad for you that your wife is not respecting your belief that TMS is the cause of your pain. I'm glad, however, to know that you've found the board and want to welcome you. It sounds like you've already made quite a lot of progress, congratulations on getting back in your skates!
Do you think that your wife might be open to couple's counseling? Do you think that, with professional help, you could work things out to where she would at least not interfere with your healing, even if she wouldn't necessarily agree with and support you in it? I would be cautious about choosing a therapist if she is; make sure to see someone who will respect, if not necessarily agree with, Sarno's mindbody theories and your own.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said the saddest part is that she may not really know you; I think that's what we all need and want is for someone to know us and love us as we really are. I think that healing from TMS is getting to know and love yourself as is.
As for the MRI, I guess I was fortunate in the fact that I have an "abnormally" normal skeleton; my MRI showed only one very slight anomaly which the physician said was "nothing." During my healing process, it was helpful for me to think of the MRI and how there was "nothing" wrong with me. A "normal" MRI result might also be the case for you if your TMS is presenting as what the medicos call "soft tissue damage," meaning "we don't know what the hell is going on." Then again, it could go the other way and you may have to work extra hard to repudiate a structural misdiagnosis of the "gray hairs of the spine." Let us know which way you decide to go, or if you need more help deciding...
Logan |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 01/07/2005 : 11:12:19
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Jeffrey,
I was very moved by your posts as well. I cannot imagine my husband ripping up my books. In fact, my husband is my biggest source of support and he continuously reminds me to think psychological not physical. Just recently we were taking a road trip because of my fear that flying will trigger more of my vertigo symptoms. My husband kept reminding me that Dr. Sarno would say to get on the darn plane and face things. I had a little harder time convincing him that his chest pain was TMS but eventually I did, and the pain is gone.
A husband and a wife are a team. They support one another. My husband has been going through horrendous job stress for about 10 to 12 years. I have been his number one source of support and I have to tell you, after awhile it was getting really old but I still hung in there. As a mother, I almost feel a protective sense of him in the same way I do our two daughters. I want the best for him and I listen when he needs a sounding board. I think that's what a wife is supposed to do.
Jeffrey, you sound like you have a lot to offer someone and maybe you should think about at least a temporary separation to see where things go from there. Normally, I would think counseling would help but this sounds like it's way beyond the scope of counseling. Sometimes when we separate ourselves from someone things begin to come into focus more clearly. I'm not a therapist but in my opinion it sounds like your wife is a HUGE part of your TMS.
And, did you ever stop to think that she doesn't want you to get well? Maybe she is angry that you are getting better. I have heard of this type of thing before -- one spouse improves and the other becomes angry at them. Who knows. Maybe a trained professional can help but I would be very cautious.
Anyway, welcome to the board and feel free to vent here any time. It's such a comfort to know there are other people out there who are going through the same issues and who understand you.
Good luck to you, Jeffrey.
Laura
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 01/07/2005 : 23:33:18
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Hi Jeff,
Like yourself, the first time I read Sarno's book I was awestruck. It was like the words on the page were reading my mind.
Here's a post I saw here a while back, its short but says so much...
Posted - 10/15/2004 : 14:39:50
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quote:
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Originally posted by floridaboy
TMS'ers think and live in the extreme...
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Wow, that one line really sums it up and puts my TMS at a new level of understanding for me. Its like you read my mind. Thanks, -Stryder
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Edited by - Stryder on 01/07/2005 23:34:25 |
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jeffrey
Canada
13 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2005 : 06:53:11
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Hello everybody,
Just been through hell and back with my wife. It was an insane weekend. On the verge of divorce, she took it out through physical abuse (she wailed away at my back), threats of killing me, and even I was talking her out of suicide. The tension was out of control. ALthough, my back pain is still way less than it was. It is still there in a controlled format. I am still sticking so strongly with my Dr.Sarno principles. I did go to the MRI yesterday, I had strong back pain as I was going there, but once it was done, the pain went away again. I think I was happy that it was over with. Trust me on this one, this is not going to distract my thinking. I felt totally in control of that situation. Things has subsided a bit, she is finally starting to understand what I am going through. Sometimes I don't know why, but I have optioned for reconciliation. There is going to be big changes but I am going to hang in there. Now that I am writing this, I sound like an abuse victim. I don't know, I just don't know.
My question of the day however, is it possible to have a relationship between someone with TMS and someone who does not believe in it, still tied down to the thought that there is something wrong with my back? We compromised that I would deal with it on my own and she wouldn't say anything about it but I know this is going to reveal its ugly head again.
Any help would be great.
Jeff |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2005 : 11:48:24
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Jeffrey,
Oh, my gosh! I really feel badly for you and what you are going through. Your post made me want to cry.
Again, I'm not a psychotherapist but just wondering about a few things. Is your wife on any meds for depression or anything? I know all the latest hype about Paxil, etc. says that these medications can cause erratic behavior and even suicidal tendencies. Is she seeing a therapist? It sounds like she really has a lot of anger she needs to work out and she's taking it out on you. And you, the goodist and the perfectionist, are taking it all because you feel you have to.
I just went back in and re-read your post and saw that your wife threatened to kill you. I truly hope for both of your sake that you guys are getting some professional help here. This sounds really serious. And through it all, somehow your back is feeling better. That's what I am amazed by. No support, death threats, being treated like a punching bag, and your back is okay? Forget about the TMS right now. I'd be worried for my life.
I really hope you and your wife will get some outside professional help because this doesn't sound like your every day, run of the mill marital stress. My husband and I fight too, but this sounds way over the top. Please take care of yourself.
Laura
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2005 : 18:37:27
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Jefferey,
I have been reading your posts again. I am with a man who is supportive no matter what I do so it is hard for me to hear about the way your wife has been dealing with you and your problem. I don't know whether it is clear to you but it is very clear to me that you need to really sort out your marriage in order to sort out the pain . They are most definitely linked.
You say your wife thinks you are nuts to believe in Sarno. Fair enough. It is hard for many people to understand and believe in his theory but then you say she is into alternative medicine and that she doesn't have much faith in the traditional system. Well I would have thought that she would be much more receptive to the idea than most people would be then. You also say that she insisted on you having the MRI. You know Jeffrey, you say you did the MRI out of curiosity but I get the feeling you really did it to avoid further conflict with your wife. After all you mention in your posts that she is very dominating.
My question of the day however, is it possible to have a relationship between someone with TMS and someone who does not believe in it, still tied down to the thought that there is something wrong with my back? We compromised that I would deal with it on my own and she wouldn't say anything about it but I know this is going to reveal its ugly head again.
My question is what do you want? It is easy to blame the sad situation of your relationship on tms (which probably does contribute in a small way) but can't you see that there is much more than tms going on here. Laura is probably right that if you can't see what the real problem is then you need outside help. Ripping up books, inflicting bodily harm and threatening suicide sound serious.
In what way do you think you contribute to all that rage?
I'd like to ask you a few questions. You say you have been married for nearly a year and a half. Can you tell me when your pain started? Also you say that your wife is in the medical field but you never actually say what it is she does. Take care Jeffrey and I wish you all the best.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2005 : 21:16:45
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| Jeffrey, sorry to hear she's putting you through hell. I've been there and it's the worst I ever felt. That's what triggered my TMS. Unfortunately, I didn't know of Sarno then. It took me a few years to find his books. At least you have some ammunition to help you understand the source of your pain. I vowed if it ever happened to me again, I would get in my car and get as far away as fast as I could. My ex was using alcohol to fuel her toxic behavior. She's married now and we are now amicable. She occasionaly alludes to that psychotic period and admits to being able to remember very little of it. My advice would be to offer to get counseling, (my ex wouldn't), and if she won't go for it, leave and don't tell her where you are going. You sound like a nice and together guy. No one deserves to be treated the way she is treating you. Get yourself some help or do whatever you have to do to protect yourself until she regains her sanity. |
Edited by - tennis tom on 01/11/2005 10:49:47 |
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another victim
