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fibri
Belgium
56 Posts |
 Posted - 05/16/2009 : 06:33:35
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I discovered Sarno and his books while desperately searching for help on the internet on Tuesday.
The moment I started to read, and as I listened to Healing Back Pain (which I bought immediately on Audible) I knew I had finally found my answer.
Why was I so sure? Well, I have had my current problem – lower back pain – since August last year. Just woke up one morning with a sore back and it went on from there. I have had every test my doctor could think of to check if there was any damage, inflammation or anything more sinister: x-rays, blood and urine tests, mri scan, ultrasounds… Everything has come up completely normal. After bed rest, anti-inflammatories, exercise, hot and cold pads, etc., finally, my doctor recommended acupuncture, which helped for a while each time but the pain always returned almost immediately. I believe that the "trauma" that triggered this was my daughter leaving home to start university, which was very painful for me. Also, it coincided with a return to work after a 7 week break (time off in compensation for all the overtime I had done before the summer) spent with my family. I hated going back to work.
But it goes back much further than that. After a traumatic event in my teens, I spent the mid-80s to mid-90s suffering from an ulcer, irritable bowel syndrome, colitis and cystitis. In 1995, after the traumatic death of my brother, all that stopped and I developed debilitating RSI. That continued unabated (despite trying one remedy and treatment after another) until last summer, when the back pain started and the RSI miraculously stopped!
My back pain is greatly exacerbated by sitting, so I have spent every evening since last August lying on the sofa watching tv or listening to audiobooks. I changed my chair at work to an “ergonomic” kneeling stool. I am in constant pain, which shifts around my buttocks, sciatic, lumbar area and legs. I have had several periods when I couldn’t work.
So you can see why I felt Dr Sarno’s book sounded like he was talking about me! In the past days, I have listened to the audiobook a couple of times, as well as some podcasts by Dr Schechter and others, and read as many of the TMS links I could find on the various TMS sites. YEsterday I started listening to The Divided Mind. Mentally, I have been talking to my brain, telling it that I understand what is really going on and will not be fooled anymore! I am trying to identify my feelings several times a day.
While I hold out great hope that I have found the answer and I am only weeks away from being pain-free, in the last few days the pain has gone through the ceiling! Wednesday I had my usual Pilates class – it is always tough on my back but this time I was almost crying with pain. Then it eased a bit but yesterday, as I went to bed (listening to Divided Mind) I felt a sharp pull on my sciatic nerve and I spent the night in excruciating pain, which hasn't abated yet. It’s as though my brain is fighting to keep its control and trying to force me to back down from my self-diagnosis of TMS. As a long-time user of homeopathy I am familiar with the tendency of symptoms to increase when a cure starts (called “aggravation”). Is this what is happening now?
It is hard, because the temptation is strong to let the fear take over and slip into thinking “what if I’m wrong, if all the tests were wrong, if Sarno et al are wrong, and after all there IS something seriously wrong with my back?”
And I’m angry because I like to over-achieve so despite hearing/reading everywhere that improvement can be expected in 2-6 weeks, I would like to be even better and see an improvement immediately! Sarno talks about being a “people pleaser”… I call it my “teacher’s pet” tendency. Always wanting to be better than the rest at anything I do… and to be patted on the back for being such a good girl  I think this is what Sarno means be "goodism"?
If someone could advise me on what THOUGHTS I could focus on to get through this, I’d be very grateful! Especially as things are particularly difficult at work right now (I'm trying to get a new job in the company and things are not going as well as I would like!)
Thanks for having this forum, for being there and for offering such hope to newcomers to this “TMS thing”!!!
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2009 : 09:43:12
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Welcome, fibri!
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It’s as though my brain is fighting to keep its control and trying to force me to back down from my self-diagnosis of TMS. As a long-time user of homeopathy I am familiar with the tendency of symptoms to increase when a cure starts (called “aggravation”). Is this what is happening now?
Exactly so! Your subconscious has been trying to protect you from painful feelings for a long time and it's not giving up without a fight.
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It is hard, because the temptation is strong to let the fear take over and slip into thinking “what if I’m wrong, if all the tests were wrong, if Sarno et al are wrong, and after all there IS something seriously wrong with my back?”
You're not alone in that – it's perfectly normal to have those thoughts from time to time.
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And I’m angry because I like to over-achieve so despite hearing/reading everywhere that improvement can be expected in 2-6 weeks, I would like to be even better and see an improvement immediately! Sarno talks about being a “people pleaser”… I call it my “teacher’s pet” tendency. Always wanting to be better than the rest at anything I do… and to be patted on the back for being such a good girl I think this is what Sarno means be "goodism"?
Yes! Funny you should say that - flutterby was saying the same thing just recently:
"Something occurred to me yesterday that made me laugh! I think my impatience and frustration with myself about the slowness of my progress is a manifestation of my need to be a 'star pupil', 'top of the class', something I've been aware of for a long time and thought I'd dealt with twenty years or so ago. But here it is popping up its head again! Yet another thing to write in my journal about!"
http://www.tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=5676&Searchterms=star+pupil
If the pain gets too much for you, don't be afraid to take painkillers (in consultation with your doctor where approriate) as a short-term measure while you get over the initial battle with your mind.
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If someone could advise me on what THOUGHTS I could focus on to get through this
It's more a question of focussing on feelings than thoughts... but that takes a lot of practice!
Hilary N |
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crk
124 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2009 : 10:00:14
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Hi Fibri! Welcome to the forum.
Let me assure you that "normal" injuries and hurts do not flare up by reading certain words and thinking certain thoughts. That's TMS. And they don't linger and linger -- they heal.
Read Sarno's Healing Back Pain as soon as you can and start doing the program in the book. Keep reading the posts here and especially the Success Stories. Write Sarno's "reminders" on a card and read them often. Do the journaling, but also keep an eye on what specific thoughts about your present life are triggering this pain.
If your pain flares up when all you're doing is getting information, that is a sure sign you are on the right track.
Sit down in a private place and just start writing about your childhood and your past traumas, with as little "self-censoring" as you can. This might make the pain flare, but keep doing it. What I mean by self-censoring is that you must let the unforgiving, narcissistic child in you have his/her say. For example, regarding parents, no saying "they did the best they could" even if you really believe that. Let the child scream that she was hurt.
As you get in touch with these feelings, you can also ask yourself what it is in your present life that is bringing them up right now. I believe the mind takes those old hurts and projects them on to fears and anger about what is happening to you *now*. I just wrote about that in my thread called "TMS is a gift?" on the Help Forum.
You CAN be free of the pain in less than 2 weeks. You can be free of it one minute from now. This is not about tissues healing! I know this because I have "shot down" pain triggers that fast. But you must let go of the idea that you can control the TMS and "make it go." It's hard to tell you what line of thinking will do it for you because your brain may not be struggling with the same concepts that my brain struggled with. That's why it's important to keep reading the Success Stories to learn. TMS is telling you something. Only you can discover what that is.
Since you said you are a "goodist" (people pleaser), I would like to give you an example of an immediate tms cure incident that has happened to me several times. I am a "goodist" as well. So I'll be reading the tms forum and see a post like yours and a pain triggers. From my painful journaling I had discovered that I have feelings of inferiority and feeling unwanted that are behind my wanting to help people. The pain is telling me I am tapping into that motivation. I say "thank you, tms" for the reminder and I reframe my action: I will help people because I have been helped and because I want to live in a world where people are helpful. But I must give up the hope that the person I'm helping will shower me with thanks and give me a piece of "self worth." I must give that up because it is not healthy. My tms shows me how to love myself instead. Does that make sense?
Every time you get a trigger, your subconscious is tapping into an unhealthy perception or attitude whose roots are in the "Reservoir of Rage." The journaling helps you find those roots. With many people, just knowing it makes the pain go away. With others (like myself) the process has to go a bit further.
Congratulations on finding out about tms and being open to its truth. You're one of the lucky ones. Good luck! |
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fibri
Belgium
56 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2009 : 10:29:47
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Thanks HilaryN and crk for taking the time to answer.
"Congratulations on finding out about tms and being open to its truth. You're one of the lucky ones. "
I FEEL lucky to have found this now. When I first started reading about TMS I felt angry at all the years wasted, but I'm now thinking of all the future years of non-pain that I can gain!
I have listened to the audio version of Healing (it would take a week for the book to be delivered - I'm in Belgium) but it's an abridged version and it doesn't talk about journaling. So thanks for the tips on how to do that. I've seen a lot of mentions of journaling on the forum but apart from the obvious, I don't know "how" to do it. Any links anyone could recommend?
Right now my sciatica is screaming, so I'm going to take another painkiller to quieten it for a few hours, so I can concentrate on feelings instead of the pain. Also, it's hard to type (I was going to detail the pain, but I guess it's irrelevant :-)
My job is getting to me now. I am trying to change job in the same company, and while I have some supporters, there's some bureaucracy preventing my move. I feel hugely frustrated because my current job is very stressful and I need to stop it asap. Even though I know the organisation is not being unreasonable (it's just business) I feel angry and upset that they are not "being nice to me" and not letting me get what I want right now, because don't they see what a good employee I am? It's some very childish emotions that are surfacing :-) |
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flutterby
United Kingdom
79 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2009 : 10:37:17
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Hi fibri
I can confirm that this is exactly what happened to me! I'm just back home from an emergency dash down from Wales to my daughter's in Kent, when her husband had a nasty head injury playing football. It involved 7 trains (with a lot of luggage!) and crossing London on Thursday and 3 trains today - plus, obviously a lot of tension as we waited for scan results. About a week ago a journey like that would have been unthinkable - I didn't even want to leave the house! I'll write in a bit more detail later - I haven't even begun to unpack yet!
But just wanted to say - keep going, this seems to be the pattern for some of us.
(PS my son-in-law is fine now!) |
Edited by - flutterby on 05/16/2009 10:38:41 |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 05/16/2009 : 10:42:12
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Consider it a GOOD SIGN that the symptoms have gotten worse.
Your unconscious mind is in a panic now that you are on to its tricks. In an attempt to derail you from your newfound discovery, it increases the symptoms or creates new, different symptoms. Your mind is desperate to keep the distraction going. Don't let it win!
The key is to find a way to ignore the symptoms no matter how bad they get, and whenever you are aware of the pain, shift your thoughts towards difficult emotions. This sends a message to your brain that the distraction technique is not working anymore.
You need to do this repeatedly in order to recondition yourself. Don't expect miracles. It is important to take a long-term view and not get frustrated with lack of results in the short-term. Treating TMS is about a life-long change in the way you think about and react to the symptoms. It is a reconditioning process that requires time and diligence. TMS is a 'bad habit' that took a lifetime to develop. It is only natural that it will take time and hard work to break that habit. |
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fibri
Belgium
56 Posts |
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fibri
Belgium
56 Posts |
Posted - 05/17/2009 : 03:41:28
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Thanks for all your encouraging words.
Last night and this morning my sciatica has been horrible. I can hardly walk. I'm trying hard not to focus on the pain and to focus on the psychological instead. I'm very worried however as tomorrow I have to stand all day in front of our marketing team to facilitate a workshop and I'm worried how I can do this if I'm in such pain.
No surprise that I'm worried... I had a burnout/nervous breakdown 2 1/2 years ago and the moment that tipped me over the edge into it was when I was.... standing in front of the marketing team giving a presentation. No wonder I'm anxious about reliving that experience :-) At the end of my presentation, I froze on the spot and became speechless. The meeting organiser saw something was wrong, called a break, I managed to get to my car where I broke down and cried and cried and cried. I was off work for a month and have never gone back full time (I work 4 days a week now).
Rationally I know I'm not going to freeze and go into burnout mode tomorrow, but it's terrifying to think back to that awful day. |
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 05/17/2009 : 04:14:44
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I know you would probably hate to do this... but you can always cancel the workshop, you know.
So, it may inconvenience a lot of people - but you have to look after yourself and put yourself first for a change. Don't feel you have to give 110% of yourself.
Even if you don't actually cancel, it might help you to know that you have that possibility.
One could argue say that cancelling would be like giving in to the pain and the TMS gremlin, but I really think that the most important thing is to be kind to yourself.
Hilary N |
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fibri
Belgium
56 Posts |
Posted - 05/17/2009 : 06:41:58
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What a great thought! Yes, I COULD cancel! I won't, but I easily could! I could even simply not go, and let my colleague take care of it. I won't do that either, but I could!
Thank you so much for that deceptively simple idea that makes me feel so relieved.
You know, it wouldn't have even crossed my mind if you hadn't suggested it. D'uh!
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forestfortrees
393 Posts |
Posted - 05/17/2009 : 11:46:48
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quote:
Originally posted by Dave
Consider it a GOOD SIGN that the symptoms have gotten worse.
Well said. Fibri, you may want to check out a related Q&A by TMS author Georgie Oldfield entitled "Is it normal to get flare-ups after journaling?" (By the way, if anyone has any more questions they would like to ask a TMS professional (for free!), I need more questions! Email me at "ForestFor Trees@ ymail. com" (remove all three extra spaces) with your question.)
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Originally posted by fibri
I've seen a lot of mentions of journaling on the forum but apart from the obvious, I don't know "how" to do it. Any links anyone could recommend?
You may have also found a system that works for you, but a little while ago, I collected a lot of free resources about journaling on the wiki's "how do I journal FAQ. Kelvin's great handout is listed there, along with a bunch of other resources (honestly, though, his is probably the best free one )
Forest
tmswiki.org |
Edited by - forestfortrees on 05/17/2009 11:55:22 |
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As I read Sarno, pain becomes excruciating!
