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tcherie
72 Posts |
 Posted - 03/06/2009 : 16:29:58
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Yes, I just literally made a mistake at work. Knowing what I know now about how being a perfectionist contributes to TMS, how do those of you who are also perfectionists deal with making a mistake?
Right now I am trying not to obsessed over it. It wasn't a huge mistake, but if I wasn't rushing I would not have sent something out to an important person which didn't look like it was edited.
I have really been trying to not be so uptight about these things so that I will not continue to create stress for myself. What has worked for you all?
Thanks.
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marsha
252 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2009 : 19:28:41
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The only one that will remember the almost mistake you made is you.
Marsha |
Edited by - marsha on 03/06/2009 19:30:14 |
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tcherie
72 Posts |
Posted - 03/07/2009 : 12:46:20
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| That's true because I am still thinking about it. |
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pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 03/07/2009 : 15:04:30
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I have a very strong inner judge. My therapist told me to recognise when I do this and tell it I see what it's doing and I accept it, then I try and think about something else, sometimes I have to do this over and over as I get stuck in a self critical loop. Over time though it starts to get the message and starts leaving me alone.
hth. |
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forestfortrees
393 Posts |
Posted - 03/09/2009 : 20:46:45
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I like Panda's idea. It seems similar in spirit to some ideas in mindfulness meditation, which you may want to Google if you haven't yet heard of it. I think that obsessing over obsessing can just make things worse, so the best thing is to accept that you are obsessing and then do your best to get on with it.
(oops. Just realized how old this thread is... Well, perhaps useful for the future.) |
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tcherie
72 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2009 : 09:43:15
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Forest,
It has been a few days, but I find that situations happen all the time like that. I wonder why do I judge myself so much? Why can't I just be? Why do I put such pressure on myself?
If anyone is interested in answering, do you find that if you have perfectionist tendencies, that you do not take criticism well? I find that while I think I do, I tend to be defensive. I have been noticing that more lately.
I think I try to get things done properly because it may be hard for me to accept criticism. Especially when you feel like you tried hard in the first place.
I think if I can get this under control it will eliminate alot of my inner turmoil. |
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forestfortrees
393 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2009 : 10:47:02
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I can totally relate to struggling not to be hard on yourself. When I think about why I am hard on myself, I tend to look at my early life and the fact that one of my parents tends to be fairly critical. Growing up, your parents are such a huge factor, so when I received criticism, I tended to internalize that and to internalize those high standards.
Do you think that your parents might have been a factor for you as well?
In terms of changing, I feel like I've made a lot of progress, but I think that it is very important to be patient with yourself. I tend to measure the time that work like this takes in terms of years, at least for myself.
tmswiki.org |
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tcherie
72 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2009 : 14:02:57
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Forest,
As far as my parents go it was very subtle. Not anything so direct. I observed that my father was hard-working and did not like confrontation with people.
My mother would be the one to put my hair in place if it was out, let me know if my make-up was a little off, and straighten up clothes if it was out of place. Nothing she said to me directly, more what she did. I find that I get annoyed because I am 34 and she will still let me know if something is out of place. I think to myself that is a kind gesture, why does it annoy me so?
If anything it may have been the moral environment I was raised in. Which once again is nothing wrong in itself, but I find that I was and still am very conscious of living up to those standards in all aspects of my life.
I guess maybe the suppressed emotion is living life constantly not thinking you are good enough or in fear of making a mistake of any kind. This was a little deeper than I thought it would be. Hmmm... |
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mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2009 : 14:51:59
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ah, tcherie, I remember telling Sarno I was raised in a strict religious household and he told me then I am really a goodist. Have to be good because of parents and what others will think and say. I mention this because you said moral household. PRESSURE!
If you want to explore why your mother's correction bothers you, you could write it at the top of a page and see what comes to your mind. FEEL the moment where she just told you hair #24,016 is out of place. How do you FEEL!?!? Maybe there is something there you can release. I have an idea but maybe you can try first?
I used to be quite a perfectionist too. Occasionally it creeps up--mistake at work resonated with me. But yes, I can sit here and obsess over it (I do sometimes) or realize OOPS, do it slower next time. . . and life is full of opportunities!
Hugs,
Lori |
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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2009 : 15:49:41
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What helped me was coming to the realization that my inner critic wasn't actually a part of me at all, but rather something that I hadn't dealt with properly in the past. I don't believe in giving or receiving criticism, because it always has shame backing it. The idea that you could possibly do something "wrong" is not only absurd, but counterproductive. Shame is anger turned inwards which screws up your thought process, clouds your mind, and gives rise to physical and mental disorders.
Once you realize this inner critic, which was established by your primary caregivers, is not a representation of who you are but rather a construct in your mind, you can begin to separate yourself from it by releasing the emotions surrounding it. This perfectionist trait is a manifestation of what a lot of Buddhists and spiritual folks call the ego, or the mind, which we confuse as ourselves. This is not the case, however. The mind is a phantom, an illusion, a legacy of emotional abuse stemming back thousands of years through human consciousness. Emotional release work can eliminate its burden.
~*~
author of tms-recovery . com |
Edited by - scottjmurray on 03/10/2009 15:52:21 |
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pandamonium
United Kingdom
202 Posts |
Posted - 03/10/2009 : 16:39:17
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I once came home having gotten 98% in a math test. When I told my dad he said "what happened to the other 2%?"
He was smiling with his mouth but not his eyes if you see what I mean?
No wonder I am still so hard on myself! |
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tcherie
72 Posts |
Posted - 03/11/2009 : 13:55:56
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Pandomonium,
All I can say is wow!!! Its the little things that can get imprinted in our minds and form our views and habits.
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carbar
USA
227 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2009 : 15:12:06
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Haven't been on in a while, but I have had a lot on my mind about the inner child and such. This post caught my eye.
I definitely recommend Drama of the Gifted Child as a good read for learning about how our internal judgments get developed during childhood. I learned about the book from this forum and it has definitely been a touchstone in my TMS recovery.
When my inner child is hurting, it definitely comes in handy to recall this book.
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tcherie
72 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2009 : 15:27:45
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Carbar,
The book seems like it should be interesting, especially since I was labeled as a "gifted child" from 3rd grade. Maybe that is where some of this comes from also.
Thanks. |
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marsha
252 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2009 : 17:16:36
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I wonder how many TMSers are gifted? I am an artist.
Could that be part of the personality trait that contributes to TMS?
Marsha
The reason I edit is because I am a perfectionist, but I can't spell to save my life. |
Edited by - marsha on 03/14/2009 17:17:43 |
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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
Posted - 03/15/2009 : 03:46:23
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quote:
I wonder how many TMSers are gifted?
We're all gifted.
I'd like to throw in a little bit more to this conversation. Perfectionism is based upon the idea that things can some how be wrong. I've never really thought about this before, but how can things be wrong? Conceptually, yes, things can be incorrect. For instance, 2 + 2 doesn't equal 5 in mathematics, but this is just a concept. It has no bearing on reality itself. How can what is be incorrect? To define reality as itself as wrong just creates pain. To say something is wrong divides you from it. You can literally feel yourself being ripped apart when you do it.
So I wonder why we started thinking things were wrong in the first place? It doesn't help at all, really. To think that I've spent most of my life believing in the idea of wrongness is really mind-blowing. Where did this thing come from?
Man. Why do we do this?
~*~
author of tms-recovery . com |
Edited by - scottjmurray on 03/15/2009 03:47:53 |
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marsha
252 Posts |
Posted - 03/15/2009 : 10:37:41
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Scott,
I can only speak for myself…and thank you for making me think. .I do this because early on I learned I wasn’t quite good enough.
My mother had borderline personality disorder and my father was a weak person unable to protect me from her. He had problems of his own from a very tragic childhood. They both relied on me to make the decisions for the family from the time I was a small child. I was always as good as the last thing I did and that was never right (good enough).
The only time I ever got positive attention was when I didn’t feel well. When things got to be too much for me I got sick. Uh oh, a pattern of behavior established early in life.. Be perfect and if you are not be sick.
Today is the first time I made the connection.
Thanks Scott.
Marsha
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meema
10 Posts |
Posted - 03/15/2009 : 14:53:14
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"Be perfect and if you are not be sick."
That sentence really resonates with me. The times I was sick were the only times I consistently got loving attention from my parents when I was a child. Needless to say, I got every virus out there--measles, mumps, chicken pox, scarlet fever, colds, etc. The rest of the time the message I got was to try not to be needy and don't cause trouble. When I got A's in school, the response was why not an A+? When I got an A+ the response was so what, that's what you're supposed to do. |
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scottjmurray
266 Posts |
Posted - 03/15/2009 : 17:13:36
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It seems that it really is just a legacy of emotional abuse. My grandparents thought things were wrong, so my parents thought things we wrong, so now I have to deal with it too.
~*~
author of tms-recovery . com |
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Oops...I just made a mistake (Perfectionist Ques.)
