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LuvtoSew
USA
327 Posts |
 Posted - 02/20/2009 : 05:40:00
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| do you actually send them or just rip them up when done? thanks. |
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Peg
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2009 : 05:53:56
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Depends on the type of letter and type of relationship.
Mine are usually just rants, no censoring, some colorful language. I have never sent one of those, but sometimes I keep it and re-read it once or twice. Usually I write it and later, get rid of it. The writing just gets some of the negative emotions, anger, hurt, indignation, grief, etc out.
I have never sent one. If I sent a letter it would be written with much more thought and with an effort to look at my part in the situation. But sending a letter would only be helpful if you thought it might affect the situation positively. In my experience, the people who are that hurtful, usually don't have the insight to accept their responsibility.
Best,
Peg
In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual. Galileo Galilei |
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Northerner
62 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2009 : 14:48:18
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My brother (who is severely depressed) once sent everyone in our family a 7-page email telling us how horribly we had all treated him when he was growing up 30 years before and that it was our fault that he was so miserable and living 12,000 miles away from us (most of it was ludicrous stuff - anger at my parents for moving 4 miles into the rich section of town when he was 12, etc.).
He had been miserable to be around before that, and just made things worse. The family rallied around him only after he did something so stupid and dangerous that he needed our help desperately.
It turns out that one of his friends, who was also hiding in Japan, 12,000 miles from his family, had written a similar letter, and his father never spoke to him again.
You can never resolve a problem with someone in writing. With only written words, and no clear way to understand your tone of voice, body language and intent, these written words (words are only 7% of communication) will probably only make things worse.
I wrote some nasty letters over the years long ago, and they always seemed to backfire. I think I've learned to stop doing that.
Write nasty letters to make yourself feel better, but make sure they go no further. If you want to resolve something with someone, see him or her in person or call on the phone.
However, letters of thanks will not only make you feel better, but will make the person on the receiving end feel great. When was the last time you received a sincere thank you note? Within the last year? Ever?
I once read an article by Alex Haley about how he had sent letters of thanks out, and what it did for him. I started doing it on occasion after that (I need to make it a weekly habit).
I sent a letter to my college football coach, thanking him for getting me into a top school (he was fired soon after I got there, and I never got to play for him), and he wrote me back, and really appreciated it. He heard something nice about what was a difficult time for him - getting fired by his alma mater.
My uncle passed on my Grandfather's broken old 1907 pocket watch. I spent $170 to get it repaired, and now have it mounted on a stand on my desk. It tells me the time and makes me think of him (all of his grandchildren admired him) and the toough times he went through in the depression when I look at it. I wrote that to my uncle, and he really liked that.
I periodically (and not often enough) send a letter like this out, and the results always surprise me.
When someone dies, instead of merely sending a sympathy card, write to the survivor and tell them about some great things the deceased did that moved you.
Saying you're sorry in writing can also be very powerful, whether it's something you just did or something you did long ago. Even if you don't feel it was all your fault.
Write the explosion letters for yourself and keep them private. Write the thanks, recognition and I'm sorry letters more often and you'll feel better. Improved relationships will help empty your ancient rage reservoir.
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marsha
252 Posts |
Posted - 02/20/2009 : 15:27:44
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Great advise.
It is who we are and how we see the world that causes us pain,not so much someone else's behavioir.
I wrote an email to my sister in anger. We have not spoken in a year.
Marsha |
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forestfortrees
393 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2009 : 10:03:57
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Terrific post, Northerner, and thanks for bringing this up, LuvtoSew.
There has been a bunch of research, recently, describing to positive effects of writing thank you notes on the sender. You can find mentions of it by googling "positive-psychology thank-you-notes" For example:
http://pos-psych.com/news/aren-cohen/200812121313
Forest
tmswiki.org |
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Peg
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 02/21/2009 : 10:43:20
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Great point Northerner.
I have written gratitude letters with no expectations and it felt quite good. I wrote one to my high school cheerleading coach, expressing appreciation for her efforts. I wanted her to know how much that positive experience had meant to me at that time in my life.
I never heard anything back, but that was okay, that's not what it was about.
Peg
In questions of science, the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual. Galileo Galilei |
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Writing letters to people who hurt you
