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cgjohnson
USA
12 Posts |
 Posted - 10/27/2008 : 10:35:07
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I've been doing TMS work for the past few months and a few weeks ago I had a change in my condition, though I'm not sure it's for the better. Basically I've been zombie-ish for the last 6 years (when my symptoms started after a scuba dive)... unable to feel any positive emotions no matter what I do (exercise, vacation, laugh, etc.). I go through the motions, but I just don't FEEL anything. Well, a few weeks ago my downstairs neighbor (and closest friend) Jesse tells me she's moving out to move in with her new boyfriend. We've had a strange relationship... we became friends for the first year or so I moved into the building, but about a year ago she confessed she wanted more. Since I have no "normal" emotions, I deflected these advances because I couldn't feel her love, though I still did feel close to her and liked to spend lots of time with her. Well, part of her moving out was that she told me she moved past her intense feelings for me. Those two things had me instantly crying... I haven't been able to cry for years and I've never cried this much in my life. I'm more emotional than I've ever been... I've had feelings of panic/anxiety that I've never felt, like a cold weight on my chest. I can barely eat; I've lost 8 pounds in two weeks. I feel like a complete mess. I am completely taken aback by all this. My therapist (not a TMS one exactly, though she is familiar with it) thinks that this extreme negative reaction means I probably have extreme positive ones for her (love) that were buried under my TMS/depression.
Ok, so I've been crying and journaling and working with my therapist on this for weeks and I don't feel any better. Jesse has been through a lot of hard things in her life (like several friends dying at young ages) and she is telling me I need to push past all this. She's says I've cried and grieved enough and I need to just focus on being positive and get on with it. I'm confused... doesn't Sarno say we need to explore the feelings? I don't know if I should stop myself from crying or just keep letting it happen. This is the only change I've had, my main symptoms have not changed at all, just now I'm very emotional and feel unstable. Any advice? |
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moose1
162 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2008 : 12:18:49
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i'm sorry you are suffering like this. if you've been feeling like a zombie for 6 years, perhaps there are some other underlying issues that you haven't addressed that need to be looked at, and maybe your friend moving out was just a trigger. either way, it's not a bad thing to feel emotions, even if it's sadness. crying can be very cleansing and healing. better to feel sad than to feel nothing in my opinion.
best,
moose |
Edited by - moose1 on 10/27/2008 12:20:21 |
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winnieboo
USA
269 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2008 : 16:42:09
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So sorry you are going through this, and I agree with Moose. Maybe it was a trigger. You're suffering a huge loss right now, first your friend will no longer be in close physical proximity, but she also has made a statement to you about how she views your relationship now. Is your therapist's suggestion right that you love her? Only you know that answer. And, not to confuse, but you did say that you had strange relationship...maybe you weren't ready for a relationship when she was? Are you being too hard on yourself about that? Do you really have no "normal" emotions--I'm guessing that you really do!
It's important to first focus on the here and now. From what you describe, you are hurting because you love her now, whether as a friend or maybe you want more now, maybe there's regret or anger (at her or yourself) or a little jealousy. One thing is certain, there's a sense of loss and abandonment.
Maybe this experience triggered feelings of previous losses and grief? Extreme reactions like the one you're having are often "loaded" reactions. You aren't just reacting to the here and now, but your ego is reacting to your past, even if for the moment or for the past zillion years it's been buried in your subconscious. And I'm not just referring to your past feelings about Jesse. Who else or what else has left you in your life? We all have our lists. This buildup is sort of like barometric pressure that sets off that wonderfully puzzling storm of emotional and TMS pain.
I feel for you. When we're vulnerable, particularly when you feel abandoned, you can feel anxious and lost, like there's no light to turn on in the room. There's nothing wrong with crying (I went through a month of crying in July--you WILL feel better), and as Moose said, it's good to feel! And it's a good start to getting rid of TMS pain. It's tension that you can't let out, fear of "something" that you're bracing for. This time, you're ahead of the game and you KNOW the "something."
So take this "extreme" reaction as you call it, and look at it in the present. Then connect the emotions/feelings/reaction to the past. Let your tears lead you back and you'll likely learn more about this reaction and about yourself.
I am REALLY learning (because my TMS therapist has had to beat it into me, LOL) you can whittle away at your TMS "tension" by being alert to what's bugging you, or devastating you, in DAY to DAY life. And that's what you're doing right now!! You are sorting through the emotions and feelings, which as Moose said, is cleansing and is healing.
Then, open your old book and sleuth for information. What does this loss remind you of? What happened that was similar in the past? How did you react? Were you allowed to feel it "back then?" This is a way of allowing your past to inform the present.
There are great side effects when you gather the info and then gain some understanding: we get smarter about ourselves, we can release old feelings, we can release tension, we can change the way we see things, we can change what we then say to ourselves about that past situation. Then our reactions in the future just...improve. Working through things this way has really calmed me down. It works and whittles (my word for the day) in small increments. You will feel better.
Finally (sorry for the length), in the meantime, while you may be feeling "alone," can you go out with friends, see family, connect with OTHER people to feel better? And if you're spiritual or religious, reaching out or giving yourself over to your "higher power" or "God" can be really comforting to bridge the gap in life that your feeling. You WILL push past this when you are READY. No one, I imagine Jesse least of all right now, can tell you when it's time. All the best.
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Edited by - winnieboo on 10/27/2008 17:02:48 |
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cgjohnson
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 10/28/2008 : 11:46:03
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quote:
Originally posted by winnieboo
So sorry you are going through this, and I agree with Moose. Maybe it was a trigger. You're suffering a huge loss right now, first your friend will no longer be in close physical proximity, but she also has made a statement to you about how she views your relationship now. Is your therapist's suggestion right that you love her? Only you know that answer. And, not to confuse, but you did say that you had strange relationship...maybe you weren't ready for a relationship when she was? Are you being too hard on yourself about that? Do you really have no "normal" emotions--I'm guessing that you really do!
I don't know that I love her. My emotions have been so stunted since I got ill 6 years ago... I literally have been unable to really feel positive things (at least consciously). So I don't "feel" love for right now, but I know I value her very highly in my life and my extreme reaction to her leaving only makes sense if you frame it as "my girlfriend is moving out so she can move in with her new soulmate". It does feel kind of like that. When she wanted a relationship, I couldn't feel what she was feeling. I felt unworthy of her love because I've been so low since getting sick. I didn't want to "just try it" like she urged me to because I was pretty sure I would just drive her crazy with my illness issues and I couldn't bear the idea of losing her. But now I have anyway.
quote:
It's important to first focus on the here and now. From what you describe, you are hurting because you love her now, whether as a friend or maybe you want more now, maybe there's regret or anger (at her or yourself) or a little jealousy. One thing is certain, there's a sense of loss and abandonment.
Exactly, loss and abandonment are definitely there right now. I don't think I want more from her exactly... I just want what we had earlier this year (not possible though). We were just really close and she focussed a lot of attention on me. But I thought it was because we were just good friends (that is what she told me) and she was even dating other people during this time and we were still close; nothing changed when she was dating those guys. So I was shocked when everything changed for this new guy. She was being dishonest about our closeness (she confirmed this last night), she really wanted me back then and that is why we were so close. I resent this dishonesty and the pain it is now causing me. And I don't know what our relationship will be moving forward... I feel like I lost my main Support Group member, right as I was getting somewhere in my TMS work. Worst timing in the world!
quote:
Maybe this experience triggered feelings of previous losses and grief? Extreme reactions like the one you're having are often "loaded" reactions. You aren't just reacting to the here and now, but your ego is reacting to your past, even if for the moment or for the past zillion years it's been buried in your subconscious. And I'm not just referring to your past feelings about Jesse. Who else or what else has left you in your life? We all have our lists. This buildup is sort of like barometric pressure that sets off that wonderfully puzzling storm of emotional and TMS pain.
Could be, I'll have to journal on this more. I could talk to Jesse better than to any woman in my life, that has always been hard for me. The last time I connected like that I was like 15 and had massive puppy-love for the girl and she hurt me pretty bad (the first cut is the deepest). Maybe the two are linked...
quote:
I feel for you. When we're vulnerable, particularly when you feel abandoned, you can feel anxious and lost, like there's no light to turn on in the room. There's nothing wrong with crying (I went through a month of crying in July--you WILL feel better), and as Moose said, it's good to feel! And it's a good start to getting rid of TMS pain. It's tension that you can't let out, fear of "something" that you're bracing for. This time, you're ahead of the game and you KNOW the "something."
So take this "extreme" reaction as you call it, and look at it in the present. Then connect the emotions/feelings/reaction to the past. Let your tears lead you back and you'll likely learn more about this reaction and about yourself.
Sounds like good advice. I've journaling about this whole ordeal like mad, but only in the present. I should see how it links back. I know it should be good to feel emotions again, I just wish I could feel the positive ones too. So far it's been bad stuff. But it is a change, and I've been static for so long. My TMS doc thinks this is good.
quote:
I am REALLY learning (because my TMS therapist has had to beat it into me, LOL) you can whittle away at your TMS "tension" by being alert to what's bugging you, or devastating you, in DAY to DAY life. And that's what you're doing right now!! You are sorting through the emotions and feelings, which as Moose said, is cleansing and is healing.
Then, open your old book and sleuth for information. What does this loss remind you of? What happened that was similar in the past? How did you react? Were you allowed to feel it "back then?" This is a way of allowing your past to inform the present.
There are great side effects when you gather the info and then gain some understanding: we get smarter about ourselves, we can release old feelings, we can release tension, we can change the way we see things, we can change what we then say to ourselves about that past situation. Then our reactions in the future just...improve. Working through things this way has really calmed me down. It works and whittles (my word for the day) in small increments. You will feel better.
Finally (sorry for the length), in the meantime, while you may be feeling "alone," can you go out with friends, see family, connect with OTHER people to feel better? And if you're spiritual or religious, reaching out or giving yourself over to your "higher power" or "God" can be really comforting to bridge the gap in life that your feeling. You WILL push past this when you are READY. No one, I imagine Jesse least of all right now, can tell you when it's time. All the best.
I moved here years ago for work and didn't make that many friends so Jesse is one of the few locally. She was kind of the only thing that I found comfort in since getting sick, so it makes this that much harder. I have reached out to friends on the phone in other cities and it does help for a few hours, but then the bad feelings start coming back. My therapist wants me to explore some spirituality (which I abonded years ago). I still struggle with the topic of this post... keep crying, or tell myself that's enough and work on feeling more positive? Maybe it's a bit of both... allow crying once a day and then focus the rest of the day on good stuff. I don't know.
Winnieboo, I really appreciate this detailed advice. Thanks a bunch. |
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keep crying or push past it?
