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johnaccardi
USA
182 Posts |
 Posted - 10/26/2008 : 17:39:15
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I have never really shared this with anyone. This is one of my dark, secret TMS equivilants. It's embarassing to me.
When I was 10 I developed Anorexia Nervosa and had it for about a year and a half. I'm trying to use this to tap into what may have happened when I was a child. Obviously I don't remember much before I was 10 years old. I know my dad was strict, he was also extremily controlling. He was old school and had no problem using physical punishment. He even got so frustrated with my anorexia, I remember he would occasionally lose his temper and hit me when I wouldn't want to eat. Anyway, I know childhood events must have really contributed to my RAGE if I had anorexia by the time I was 10 years old. So, I am trying to explore these things that may have contributed, if you guys have any suggestions, because I don't remember much, I would appreciete them.
Thanks,
John |
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winnieboo
USA
269 Posts |
Posted - 10/26/2008 : 18:06:48
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John,
You have such good insights into your life at such a young age. I think that you would get a lot out of one-on-one therapy, and it would be an excellent way to explore your questions and the past situations that you remember. I see on other threads that you are also considering the Pathway, which I know nothing about, but I also think I remember you mentioning that therapy was free at your school. Why not take advantage of it? If it's not for you, you know you have other options, and certainly, you can employ other resources like the Pathway, journaling and inspirational reading while working with a therapist.
As for your memories, please don't be embarassed! You are brave to share. Any event in which we feel overpowered or controlled, particularly when we were little people, can contribute to rage. Making sense of what happened with our adult consciousness can be helpful in overcoming--or at least reframing--the feelings we still carry with us and/or that are holding us back from a happy, carefree life.
There are so many books that tell us to leave the past behind. Yes, that's important and sensible, but I don't think it's automatic (although Ekhart Tolle believes it can be!). At least in my experience, letting go of the past isn't so easy if you try to do it before taking a look back and trying to understand it.
One goal of therapy is to use the past to understand who we are today. The past informs the present, so to speak. It's the understanding of what happened to us that helps us to move beyond old habits and feelings in favor of change. Therapy can be powerful, particularly if you are ready to open up and bring memories and issues to the table. |
Edited by - winnieboo on 10/26/2008 18:20:03 |
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mk6283
USA
272 Posts |
Posted - 10/26/2008 : 20:28:21
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John, I would like to commend you. I watched you post for nearly an entire year on this forum without making any progress whatsoever. All your posts were essentially the same -- you obsessed over the physical aspects of your symptoms and your fear was only reinforcing them. Your last few posts, and this one in particular, show me that you have made enormous strides toward understanding what TMS is all about and how you will be cured of it. You are finally on the right track. Stick with it and I assure you the results will follow. We're here to help you all along the way.
Perhaps try some meditation/self-hypnosis. Sit in a quiet room all to yourself, relax, close your eyes, and start to think back to John at 10 years old and John at 8 years old, etc. See what visions come to mind. You'll be surprised to find that things you hadn't thought about in years, sometimes painful things, will resurface. Most importantly, try and comfort that little child inside of you. That is the essence of what this stuff is all about.
Congratulations on the tremendous progress and stick with it! Good luck!
Best,
MK
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 10/26/2008 : 23:50:32
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Hi John,
The fact that you have admitted to this 'dreadful, shaming secret' is a big step in the right direction.
My father was an alcoholic and only now (40 years on!!) can I bring the fact up easily in conversation, also, the fact that it probably had a detrimental on us kids. Previously I could barely bring myself to mention it (misplaced shame I think).
Looking back I cannot comprehend why it was so impossible to speak about it. Take it as a HUGE step in your recovery that you can talk about this difficult emotional episode openly.
Well done.
Anne |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2008 : 04:25:39
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don't be embarrassed here bro. I too had anorexia, and bulimia on and off for ten years or so from 17 on. I did'nt think I had it at the time, I always thought my case was temporary.
Tms equivalent? well, all I can say is looking back, I wasted a lot of time dieting all the time.
Is this a distraction? Self esteem issue? Or, is it a case to be able to "control" something in your life when everything else is out of your control?
Your'e at an age where you couldn't control your surroundings, where you work, live, in your past because your'e under your parents care or lack of, and your'e scared of the future if you did'nt really have a secure foundation, or supportive parents that you know you could fall back on if things get ruff.... but you can control if the scale shows two pounds less the next day. Does that give you a sense of control? I'd start there. |
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mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2008 : 06:47:08
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I think it was considered acceptable to use physical punishment until recently.
I've come to realize our parents did the best they could for where there were at that point in their lives (my parents, esp. father, used physical punishment). I'm working on forgiveness of them and some of the things they did. They really thought they were doing the right thing. At the time anyway.
Does that change what happened when we were kids? No. So it needs to be addressed.
How about writing a feelings letter to your dad? I think you may find this very relieving. Dear dad: Express it all. Everything you'd want to say to him. FEEL it. Uncensored (no "I shouldn't say that to my dad".) Unleash the feelings! Then burn it, shred it, etc.
I'd also ask how is your relationship with him now?
In answer to your other question to me, yes, I do still journal. Not daily, but when I know something is brewing or I've remembered something from the past, I do write about it to get it off me.
I'm so thrilled to hear what you've uncovered and also how you sound different than you did a few months ago!
Best wishes and warm hugs,
-Lori |
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johnaccardi
USA
182 Posts |
Posted - 10/27/2008 : 11:19:05
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First of all, Thank you everyone. I really appreciate everyone's responses here.
Mizlorinj, I am going to try what you said about the letter to my dad. It's funny because this summer I did express a few things to him that I was angry about, of course not the bulk of it, but some, and now our relationship is much better. I find I can love him now. Maybe pretending to express the deepest emotions to him will help even more, thank you.
Winniepoo, I'm definately going to get 1 on 1 therapy. I'm more than willing to open myself up and absorb everything I can possibly learn. I am also a psychology major, so all of this is a learning process that will help me in my career someday.
Scottydog, I have told you guys on this forum, but I don't talk about it openly yet with people I know. Maybe some day.
MK, Thanks so much for that compliment. I will definately try meditation. I used to meditate a lot, and your right, things go through your mind with such clarity and understanding. I never thought to apply this to the TMS method...great idea.
Shizzik, I just read your bio and some of your posts. You sound like where I was just a month ago. How are you doing now? I complained on this site for a year and nothing worked. I can help you man, I can tell you what you have to do. Get back to me. |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 10/28/2008 : 03:58:28
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quote:
Originally posted by johnaccardi
Shizzik, I just read your bio and some of your posts. You sound like where I was just a month ago. How are you doing now? I complained on this site for a year and nothing worked. I can help you man, I can tell you what you have to do. Get back to me.
I sent you an e-mail.  |
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sue1012
USA
31 Posts |
Posted - 10/29/2008 : 07:33:57
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| John, I suffered form anorexia and bulimia from the time I was 14 until I was 26. What started out as trying to lose a few pounds turned into a full-blown eating disorder. For me, I believe it was mainly an issue of control, along with low self-esteem and perfectionist traits. My parents were divorced and I didn't get along with my stepfather, which caused my mom to have a lot of resentment towards me. I always felt unloved and unsupported as well as not good enough. The eating disorder was a form of obsession for me that allowed me to focus on how much food I was eating rather than how unhappy and out of control I felt. I know looking back I had A LOT of repressed rage and turned to the eating disorders as a distraction. I also ended up getting a lot of attention from teachers, coaches etc which sadly, I enjoyed since I was getting none at home. My not eating got my mom mad at me, like your dad did, though she verbally abused and threatened me rather then being physical. The bulimia was my own private he*l which I assume also gave me somewhere to "stuff my emotions". I have an obsessive personality, which allowed the eating disorder, and the TMS , to flourish. Once I got "over" the eating disorder, the chronic pain started within 2 years after a couple of car accidents. There was my replacement. Anyway, I definately feel, for me, the eating disorders, were a form of TMS and a way to repress rage and emotions. I am so glad you are on the right track to healing yourself and that you've come about the concept at such a young age. Keep it up and good luck:) |
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HellNY
130 Posts |
Posted - 10/29/2008 : 14:10:15
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This is quite interesting. I had a bout with "Im fat" when I was 13-14 years old and went on a "diet" for several monthd. I was also skinny as a rail. I got skinnier.
Whats odd is that I am the 3rd male in this thread that posts about an eating disorder. Anorexia-type eating disorders for men are EXTREMELY rare. That three are on this forum speaks volumes about the psychologicla nature of the "pain" disorders we have suffered from.
Its also interesting that like Skizzik, I became a big time weightlifter to "get big and strong" starting in my late teens and early 20s. Both were vain self-focused narcissisms aimed at improving self image.
Look at the histories. Full of psychopathologies, neuroticism and related problem.
There is nothing wrong with our bodies. There never was. All this pain is psychogenic.
Just look at our pasts. This is not a coincidence. |
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Anorexia when I was 10
