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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
 Posted - 07/24/2008 : 07:01:34
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I just went through a relapse that was fairly terrifying. I thought I’d post a log of it up here on the forum, because I feel like a lot of the new people’s questions might be answered by it, some of the ‘veterans’ might enjoy it and benefit from it, and lastly, I may need to come back and read my own post in a few months if for some reason the symptom imperative dishes me out a new version of the same old TMS 1.0.
Starting a few weeks ago, I had a few twinges in my knee. If you read through the archives and check my posts, earlier this year my knee became completely immobile and I posted about it. Although it occurred under very suspicious circumstances by TMS standards, Susie and some of the other Vets assured me it was probably one of the few things outside the scope of TMS, and was probably ‘real’ . We all make our own decisions, but with the assurance (sic) from my peers that this was NOT TMS, and the lure of a quick fix , I went ahead and followed the conventional treatment.
I went to a sports medicine facility and had the knee drained and got a steroid shot. The Doctor didn’t have much to say about it other than it was very common, my fluid looked ‘arthritic’ and that I needed to be a bit more careful…. I have always had a cowboy approach to life, thanks in largest part to DR. Sarno….ever since I read HBP all those years ago, I have been almost bratty about abusing my body, assured in the belief that my body is strong and that injury is a chimera.
Afterwards, from posts I exchanged here on the board, I was struck by the idea that I might have ‘pulled the trigger’ too early and that it in fact might have been TMS in spite of it’s so-very-physical appearance, but I had already done the placebo, and I would only find out with time.
Time passed. I have become separated from my wife. I now live alone, and due to the nature of circumstance, live a tightly budgeted Spartan existence. When I got the Bill for the work on my knee, the 105 dollars that was my portion meant I couldn’t buy a vacuum cleaner…things are that tight financially.
More time passed… Although I had reached a point where the knee gave me little trouble, I have now gotten back to ‘fighting’ shape and have been very active, working out for hours, now that I am alone most of the time. This is relevant because when my greatest wave of TMS I ever got in my back and legs all those years ago occurred, I was in similar shape…The sports medicine doc had told me it would help to ‘strengthen’ the knee capsule and I would be lying if I didn’t mention that I added a few exercises to my workout to do that…my legs were a bit thin, so I figured it couldn’t hurt, right?
So… I am at the skate park with my son. I notice a twinge in my knee and I feel a sort of weakness. The Dr. had warned me that if it ‘came back’, they would have to do more testing and find out what was ‘wrong’ with me…well, here it was. Something didn’t feel right.
I have been on a Mother of a project at work…one that intimidated me from the get go, and as I take a knee to do part of the job, there it is again…more painful. I get on a stair master during a work out, and there it is again….
By Last Saturday, my knee was as swollen and immobile as it had been when I had had it surgically ‘drained’ the last time, except this time the terror is manifold because an injury would literally shut down my whole life…if I can’t work, I can’t support myself, and then I can’t have a place for my kids to visit me and can’t support myself, and have to return to the mercies of others (My wife).
The pain was pretty bad. At Band rehearsal Sunday, I was a bit snappy with everyone and had to limp around from chair to chair with my guitar. I couldn’t even bend over to get a dropped pick, because the tendons and muscle around my legs had frozen it stiff. Any motions set off pain, and most importantly, fear. I didn’t have even the 100 dollar co-pay to have it drained again (if I want to eat)…and then what? Surgery? Have I torn something…have I pulled something out of whack? This is allegedly NORMAL for my occupation (painter) and WebMD said that it is caused by a (blah,blah,blah)
So.. I get out my books and tapes. I listen to Sarno on the way to work, driving around on errands, and I grab a legal pad and begin to scribble down any inspirations I have as to what anger I might be experiencing but not FEELING, therefore necessitating a symptom to keep me good and distracted. I didn’t have to dig very deep before the ‘Ah Hah!’ moment occurred.
In spite of my literary brashness, like the rest of you out there in the TMS nation, I am a rational, compassionate being (good guy]]]] and in spite of my rage against my wife for disowning me and ending our marriage, any time she has needed anything I have been Johnny-on-the-spot about showing up to attend to her needs….maybe even more so than when we were married, because I need to show her that I still care, didn’t want to end our marriage and that she made a mistake leaving me. Even when I have gone out to social functions with my band mates, I have avoided the opposite sex completely because my Moses has decreed that it is immoral and that according to the Bible (blah,blah,blah)
She calls me Wednesday morning to ask if I can take a day off of work to help her move. I had already agreed to help her move her big things to her new townhome that I helped her find, and now she wants me to dodge work (and pay, of course) and make her life easier. Before you gasp, keep in mind that even absent from my old household, I have done everything I possibly can to insulate her from the reality of her decision to end our relationship (goodism)
And then it occurred to me… she has been treating me during our separation the way she always treated me married. When she needs something, she’s my bestest buddy in the world and everything is copacetic…when I need something, I am a needy, whiny brat.
I don’t need to tell you that I told her NO. I would not miss work (and food for a week) to help her move. Instantly my leg pain grew horribly, unbearably MORE painful… I could barely walk back into the building at work.
..And that’s it. I realized what was plain to everybody else in my life, but invisible to me.. My Narcissism (me, me, and me) was completely shut down and repressed while my goodism (you, you, you) was the only speaker working in my brain.
I began to go back through our recent history and write about all the times she ‘used me’…held sex and attention out as a reward for good behavior, and then treated me like an old shoe when she no longer needed me…. It was going on the last time, and it is going on still. I don’t need to NOT help her move, but I don’t need to be her best friend either. She has had all the benefit of separation and all the benefit of a guy who will do anything at anytime, anywhere to help her out….that’s usually called a HUSBAND.
So, I went skateboarding, focusing on my rage at being abandoned and telling myself that my body is strong. I exercised doing the same…I have gone through all of the activities that I had conditioned myself to have pain during (it’s amazing how fast conditioning works) and have been deprogramming. Last night I pushed it hard in the gym and it is aces this morning! I worked all day on my knees yesterday without a ‘boo’….
I wish I could get my hundred bucks back from the doctor (LOL)
So… my swelling and stiffness in the knee IS another manifestation of TMS…. And Sarno wins again.
Score..SARNO 15
TMS 0
Thanks Sarno…
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Edited by - Baseball65 on 07/24/2008 15:59:04 |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 07:22:12
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But I thought that Sarno and Co. speak against 'swelling' as being TMS? I hear that you say that "Sarno wins", but if he were to read your post, would he be thinking, "Yes, this is exactly what I say TMS is".
I'm just a little confused by what you mean. Swelling, which is a protective response to injury which carries with it antibodies and fluids, is now also a TMS symptom?
I'm concerned the scope of TMS can go to explain any 'disease' after that benchmark is met. Why not stop there?
Encephalitis =TMS
Will this be the evolution of thought soon?
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"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"- John Lennon |
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moose1
162 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 07:40:14
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Wow, reading your post it's abundantly clear that you are under some serious emotional stress. You wouldn't be human if something - either physical or emotional - wasn't affected in a very negative way by what you've got going on in your life. I'm guessing you've got quite the pool of anger/rage about all of this. I mean, who wouldn't?
It all seems to come back to anger, hurt and fear, doesn't it. I know it does for me. And if these emotions - which are incredibly intense - are not somehow effectively legitimized or authenticated (as my therapist puts it), they are gonna cause some BIG problems. For me right now, it's anxiety. For you, the knee.
My mind knows that anxiety and feelings of losing my mind are my greatest fear. So it preys on this fear and exploits it as much as possible, using intense fear, horrible intrusive thoughts, etc etc as a way to punish and distract me. For you, your mind knows there's a history with your knee, and so it jumps on that thing instantly.
Good for you for re-educating yourself about this stuff and beating back the bastard. TMS is the price we pay for being taught by our parents and our culture that it's bad and wrong to feel angry, hurt and afraid. The fact that you have this insight is truly important.
Best,
Moose |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 08:26:51
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BB -- good for you to realize that. I never cease to be amazed at what TMS can do. It's also an interesting example of the "there's very little back pain where no one can afford to be off work for it" phenomenon (ie backpain, etc are rampant in the 1st world, but not in the 3rd world where people do much more manual labor). You couldn't afford to get your knee treated, so you were pretty much stuck with Sarno. And he (and you) came through.
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What were you expecting? |
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Hazl
5 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 08:27:10
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Interesting about your knee symptoms, I have been trying to figure out if my knee problems are sports related or TMS. (I too have had swelling, stiffness, along with limited range of motion.)
Thanks for posting, your story has been very helpful.
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mk6283
USA
272 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 10:47:34
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quote:
Originally posted by la_kevin
But I thought that Sarno and Co. speak against 'swelling' as being TMS? I hear that you say that "Sarno wins", but if he were to read your post, would he be thinking, "Yes, this is exactly what I say TMS is".
I'm just a little confused by what you mean. Swelling, which is a protective response to injury which carries with it antibodies and fluids, is now also a TMS symptom?
I'm concerned the scope of TMS can go to explain any 'disease' after that benchmark is met. Why not stop there?
Encephalitis =TMS
Will this be the evolution of thought soon?
"When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail." - Abraham Maslow
Best,
MK |
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hkp
47 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 11:49:06
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When you get allergies or a rash, your eyes can swell up or your skin can break out in swollen, red hives. Sarno says that is absolutely a TMS equivalent. Just a thought...
hkp |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 14:04:40
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[quote]Originally posted by la_kevin
But I thought that Sarno and Co. speak against 'swelling' as being TMS? I hear that you say that "Sarno wins", but if he were to read your post, would he be thinking, "Yes, this is exactly what I say TMS is".
I'm just a little confused by what you mean. Swelling, which is a protective response to injury which carries with it antibodies and fluids, is now also a TMS symptom?
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Page 99 of the mindbody syndrome...Sarno says it's TMS
Thanks though... you just reminded me why I stay off of this forum.
Enjoy your recovery! |
Edited by - Baseball65 on 07/24/2008 14:12:15 |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 14:22:40
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Eeek, where did that go - BB, you've removed your post.
I was going to respond by saying that you have hit on the nub of much TMS issues, it's the little, run of the mill stuff. Someone asks you a favour - of course you'll help out (whilst the little weeny annoyance feelings you are hardly aware of are squashed inside).
'How could you not be willing to help, it's not much to ask!' but it's one weeny thing on top of years of other weeny things..... and it causes TMS. |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 16:32:35
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quote:
Originally posted by Scottydog
'How could you not be willing to help, it's not much to ask!' but it's one weeny thing on top of years of other weeny things..... and it causes TMS.
Yeah. I sometimes can't tell if it's the actual incident that causes the symptom, or the 'cup running over'.
One of the things I 'heard' better this time through was the words 'abandonment' and 'sadness' and 'dependency'
I think I feel guilty about all of the time.Any other stuff is on top of the usual amount of guilt.
-bb65 |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 18:38:12
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Well done Baseball & thanks for the timely post. As my back pain is lessening my knees are beginning to act up.
Last week I went to my doctor again as the back pain was not going away. This is a new dr that I am seeing and I quite like him as he doesn't try to scare you into believing that it's all doom & gloom. You know how some of the others can be. They give you a whole list of what is currently wrong with yr spine. So I had an MRI and he says 'well. your spine looks above average for yr age. Yeah you have some degeneration but that's normal for yr age'
I couldn't believe what he said. I was stunned. You get so used to listening to all the negative stuff that it is like a bolt of lightning when someone actually tell you that yr spine is looking fine. All the other drs have benn telling me lordosis, facet joints, etc etc.
I swear I kid you not but since the time he said that I have been feeling a whole lot better. This just goes to show how important it is to hear something positive like that straight from the horses mouth. I really believe that the nocebo effect plays a huge part in perpetuating tms & that we should all take what these doctors say with a huge pinch of salt. Words can have such a profound effect on us & the way we think. I think that is why I am always able to feel so much better after watching the sarno video & listening to him.
Victory over tms is when we are able to really believe him, repudiate the symptoms no matter how wretched we feel and convince ourselves that there is nothing wrong with us and baseball you have done just that. Good on ya.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
Edited by - mala on 07/24/2008 18:39:33 |
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Knee pain as conversion...Sarno wins again
