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myles
30 Posts |
 Posted - 07/21/2008 : 17:05:45
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Constant all day headache started 4 years ago - 4 months after my awful divorce in which I was denied access to my cute toddler son. MRI, CT scan, lumbar puncture: All Clear!
Chronic lower back pain from aged 16 finally went after physio taught me core-strengthening exercises.
Mid back pain (t6-t9) spasms since 17, ended up quitting sprinting, & rugby telling friends 'my spine is made of glass'
If it's not one thing it's another, constantly either worrying about a condition, researching it, or letting it affect my life. (Including I guess posting to forums like this - I'm going to limit my total posts to at most 50 then get on with other stuff)
My total additional symptoms include plantar warts, facial warts, headaches, general heavy aching across neck and trapezius muscle, gout, dry skin, anxiety, depression... err... that's it!
I had anxiety from a young age, probably nine or ten and used to repetitively flex my fingers going through the motions of one stupid piano tune I learnt for grade two, over and over and over. Then playing stange visual 3d games where I would pretend to fire lasers around me and watch them bounce off at precise angles, especially when being driven about in the car. We lived in a secluded house with no interaction outside of school, I think it drove me mad. Angry I never did anything productive in that time, or even just chilled and had a laugh.
My first physical pain symptoms started at 16 one year after my heart/lung transplant (I was born with major heart problems) so possibly the stress of potential death got to me (I was quoted 90% to survive the op, 80% the first year, 60% the first five years, after that unknown at the time - I'm on 17 years post op now)... I really have no idea as to root cause of my lower back pain could be:
aforementioned rage at risk of dying
guilt of living with a predominantly dead person's heart and lungs
rage at being totally uncoordinated and useless at sport once I started, still feel I'm playing catch-up
rage at being totally useless with girls once I started, still feel I'm playing catch-up
rage at missed opportunities of health I might have had if I had been born right in first place
rage at not growing to my full height (dad's 6'3" I'm 5'8")
I always wanted to be good, went to Catholic school and Jesus was my role model, couldn't understand why he wasn't everyone's.
Seen a plethora of chiros, osteos, physios, acupuncturists etc.
The last two years I have felt like I would fall apart if I didn't do pilates and get massaged every week. But still had spasms nevertheless, they even started in the middle of pilates. twice!
Current status:
Was getting better after several months of myofascial release, and active isolated stretching, then went clubbing three weeks ago and left club and woke up with terrible headache. Thought, this is bollocks... this happened last time I went to that exact same club. I now think there is some emotional rage about going to the club/most clubs and not feeling like I'm winning with the girls/ getting a few phone numbers/ or taking a girl home. This headache's lasted 3 weeks and was the worst since 4 years ago when they first began.
Current self-treatment
Reading Sarno's Divided mind, have Fred Amir's on the way.
I've doctored a hypnotherapy MP3 that deals with anxiety and added some voice recordings by myself, telling my subconcious the game's up, and not to worry as I have lots of friends and family to help me deal with unconcious emotions and to let them surface, that it's all due to mild oxygen deprivation and to visualise my blood vessels getting bigger and returning to full cirulatory health. I'm listening every day for 21 days, on about day 8 now.
Trying to test my physical fears, impact exercises, handstands, sprinting.
Taking pain-killers most days (I never took them ever before as they didn't seem to work, the do now)
Did all my paperwork (I hated) and asked my dad to help me do it (brave as that usually ends in bi-partisan vitriolic abuse) and went really well. i.e. I'm addressing pressures and stressors before they get overwhelming.
Trying to think about emotional traumas I may and may not have felt in the past. I feel all insighted out on that front.
Pain today started at about 6/10, but had a girl staying over for first time and think pressure to perform in bed got to me last night and carried on over to this morning. She seemed pretty impressed at my efforts, but not sure if my headache wasn't just self-pressure as I have been in the desert (sans femme) since February and it's always been a stressor to me. Can't live with 'em can't live without 'em! he he. Oh.
After sprinting this afternoon pain down to half out of ten, before that it had fallen to one out of ten after painkillers and treating a patient (I'm now a myofascial therapist)
Oh and my ex was really awkward this weekend, screaming at me for forgetting to bring back his baseball cap, threatening access, threatening new solicitors, and being an abusive bi*ch.
New paragraph. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Genuinely.
Thanks for reading this and any thoughts and suggestions you might have for me. Wood for the trees and all that.
M
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ChrisSC
25 Posts |
Posted - 07/21/2008 : 23:37:12
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Sure sounds like TMS to me--the symptoms, the history, the obsessive research, the 'goodist' trait, the countless visits to doctors & acupuncturists, etc. all support your self-diagnosis.
The sources of rage you listed are mostly variations of "feelings of inferiority." This unconscious feeling of not being good enough is a MAJOR contributor to TMS and equivalents for many people.
Keep doing what you are doing. You seem to be on the right track with gathering information and testing your physical fears. One suggestion I have, though, is to stop 'ranking your pain' on a scale (you might have just done it for the post, I'm not sure). You can drive yourself crazy monitoring how bad your symptoms are and this will only serve to keep your mind focused on the physical--which means it's still distracting you!
Hopefully you will start to steady improvement as you continue doing the TMS work and learning more about it and you. Don't be discouraged by a temporary increase in severity of symptoms or new symptoms/pain locations developing. If these happen, it is just TMS hitting the panic button as it realizes its strategy is being unraveled. |
Edited by - ChrisSC on 07/21/2008 23:38:04 |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2008 : 06:01:36
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Chris's post is most of what I would say, but I would also add that you clearly have some specific major traumas (childhood health issues and their complex resolution) that are pretty obviously the source of some big feelings. If you end up finding these overwhelming as you work through your emotions, you might think about seeing a therapist who can help you deal with them.
I think you'll probably find Amir's book both helpful and inspiring.
You are clearly a survivor -- congratulations on making it so far, and best wishes for TMS treatment progression. (I think it's pretty evident you have TMS from your description, given the long duration of symptoms, history of emotional trauma, and failure of physical problems to be identified or physical treatment to help.)
--
What were you expecting? |
Edited by - armchairlinguist on 07/22/2008 06:06:04 |
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HellNY
130 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2008 : 11:05:07
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Myles -
This is uncanny. I dont know the significance of this, but I also used to imagine lasers bouncing off walls at precise angles while sitting around waiting through mundane things. Maybe this is a tyhing we get with OCD-ish tendencies. Obviously I also have TMS. |
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myles
30 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2008 : 17:08:01
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quote:
Originally posted by HellNY
I also used to imagine lasers bouncing off walls at precise angles while sitting around waiting through mundane things.
Wicked! Thought I'd mention it just in case. Bittersweet to know I'm not alone on that one.
I made a post and I think it disappeared, but basically I was saying to ChrisSC I would find it really hard not to closely monitor my pain - I've been really bad at doing it all the time. Shaking my head to test my headache several times a day (possibly per hour - eek!). So today I decided that I would set a threshold and try and ignore all pain if it wasn't totally incapacitating (which it rarely is for me).
Having just said that I was getting close to that incapacitating feeling this evening and I put my hypnotherapy mp3 on and woke up about an hour later feeling Pretty, Prettay Good - as Larry David would say. Then did mental uphill sprint endurance interval training. Still feeling good.
Thanks for your replies. M |
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My self-diagnosis of TMS
