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debbette
44 Posts |
 Posted - 07/12/2008 : 20:27:47
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I know that I'm angry and I'm pretty sure why I'm angry and what's causing my TMS but I just don't want to go there. I'm afraid if I focus on this or dig deeper that I'll become depressed or that I'll realize just how angry I am with my husband and what will come of that.
What do you do when you're afraid to explore those feelings? |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 07/12/2008 : 22:01:35
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What if those feelings were put in the context of having the ability to cripple you and thus possibly kill you?
Being aware of the feelings are good enough for now. Putting a name to them is much better.
quote:
What do you do when you're afraid to explore those feelings?
If you are prone to psychosomatic illness...you get TMS. 
quote:
I'm afraid if I focus on this or dig deeper that I'll become depressed
"What if"? Do you know you will be depressed? What if you become RELIEVED instead? And is a depressed state worse than having chronic pain and repressed anger?
So what do you 'do' when you're afraid to explore feelings that might set you free in acknowledging them?
You explore them that much more.
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"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"- John Lennon |
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LuvtoSew
USA
327 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2008 : 07:10:39
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When I started with this process I journaled, starting with my child
hood to the present day. I discovered I had anger at my parents, some relatives, and other people in my life, and had quilt and anger at myself also. I have learned to forgive people who I felt had hurt me and forgived myself also. But at this point I'm leaving the past behind where it is. I didn't realize how I felt till I journaled it tho.
I don't know whats going on between you and your husband but its like Sarno and even Selfridge said, some people would rather hang onto to the pain that feel the anger, thats why we have the pain-to avoid our feelings, its a distraction.
Really all you need to do is acknowledge your feelings, but you don't have to act on them or correct them, and you can't change another person, but you can change the way you look at things.
When I get mad at my husband I just say, thank goodness hes not perfect because neither am I. If your husband is abusive or has a addiction that has gotton out of line thats a different story.
I really don't journal anymore, the past is over, all all thats left is the present. |
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RageSootheRatio
Canada
430 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2008 : 09:08:34
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If you feel this is really a deep and potentially retraumatizing or very destructive issue, then DON'T "DIG DEEPER" by yourself!! Consider seeing a professional so you don't have to do it by yourself.
If it is just more like a "garden variety" type of fear about being able to explore those angry feelings, Dr Scott Brady gives some reassurance in his book, (Pain Free for Life), explaining that journalling out feelings can actually be a kind of "safety valve" to get feelings out without exploding at someone else. Of course, if you are thinking that you are SO angry with your husband that you are *thinking* of separating or divorce, then that is another issue, but it would still be a CHOICE you could make .. ie "what will come of it" would still be up to you and you would have a choice of many different options (doing nothing, marriage counseling, trial separation, leaving, re-doing marriage vows, learning about non-violent communication, divorce, etc etc.) |
Edited by - RageSootheRatio on 07/13/2008 10:57:58 |
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joli
USA
51 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2008 : 12:14:04
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I agree, seek outside help, It is a very draining process and you want to feel safe, and they know and trained dealing with the monsters.
sometimes it is not the right time to go that deep, and it does not mean you can not feel better till you deal with each monster.
trust your gut feeling.
I think therefore I am. |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2008 : 15:52:56
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I wanted to add that if you feel that 'exploring' repressed thoughts are making you much worse, ease off on them. You don't need to get them all with one shot now.
I should have stated that before. There is no pressure to do it. Go at your own pace.
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"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"- John Lennon |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 07/14/2008 : 04:36:39
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kev,
on the other thread you said keeping an anger journal is a horrible idea. tms is from not living in the now...etc. I was excited I wouldn't have to journal anymore, whats going on? |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 07/14/2008 : 07:01:30
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quote:
Originally posted by debbette
I know that I'm angry and I'm pretty sure why I'm angry and what's causing my TMS but I just don't want to go there.
First of all, you probably don't really know. In fact, none of us really know. The cause of TMS is unconscious rage that cannot be felt. However, the ingredients of this rage are repressed conscious emotions.
Nevertheless, you must "go there" if you want to recover. TMS symptoms serve to distract you, to prevent you from facing those difficult emotions. If you don't face them, the distraction succeeds, and the brain will continue to use this successful strategy.
Avoidance is a key ingredient of TMS. Acceptance is part of the recovery. You must be totally honest with yourself. |
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David Russ
USA
21 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2008 : 14:11:30
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debbette,
I had a dream the night after I did my first inner child work--work of which I had been frightened for decades. In that day's work I had felt and expressed deep, deep rage and I had a sense, the whole time I was in that rage, that I was still in control of the process. I could have come out of it anytime and calmed down. I wasn't at its mercy at all.
Anyway, that night I dreamed that I was in a large pen in a zoo, surrounded by the scariest animals: bears, lions, tigers. Monstrous animals with big teeth and claws, all pacing around me menacingly.
I was really tense and frightened in the dream.
The animals got closer and closer, and when they got close enough, they struck out at me. But their paws were soft, their bites were firm but gentle, and they were not dangerous at all.
Fearsome, fierce, strong, but safe. That was my anger, and yours, too.
Your anger is there to protect you. It hurts much more to hold it in than to set it free.
I would suggest that you have not yet felt safe turning into your anger because you don't have a safe place to do it. Ask yourself with a curious, open voice: "what can I do to help myself feel safe enough to let this out?"
Is there a therapist, or group that would help with this? I would say most likely yes there is. Are you in therapy now? If not, get into it (whatever it costs is less than you fear and the value is more than you think). If you are, open this with your therapist and ASK for the space and support to explore this.
As far as your fears about how you might feel about your husband, if my own experience may apply then I can assure you that you can let that go. You're probably not nearly as mad at him as you are at your parents and yourself. Holding anger in your mind means that it spills over onto him every day; he's the one who is in front of you. Delving in, in a safe and supportive place, will allow you to get past that surface tension and begin to drain the glass of the stuff that you've carried around for years.
Finding the courage and creating the safe space to do this work, which you know in your heart you can and must do, will reap you great rewards in terms of peace, presence, and probably physical comfort.
Blessings.
David Russ |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2008 : 15:36:44
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quote:
Originally posted by skizzik
kev,
on the other thread you said keeping an anger journal is a horrible idea. tms is from not living in the now...etc. I was excited I wouldn't have to journal anymore, whats going on?
I don't see how what I said really contradicts anything. Keeping a journal just to rehash things you're 'angry' about seems to do no good. If journaling 500 pages about your 'anger and rage' doesn't work after a year, why would anyone keep doing it?
And you say it as if I'm in charge of someone's progress or some sort of TMS 'guru'. I don't want that kind of responsibility. My opinions are just that, and based on my experience. Please don't over analyze my words to the point of making them contradict in your head. The things I have stated on this board are actually quite simple, if you ALLOW them to be.
If you want to stop journaling, then stop journaling. If you want to keep journaling and writing your whole life's history, go ahead.
But if your entire journal consists of 'stressors', it's my opinion that your TMS will go NOWHERE.
So yes, keeping an 'anger journal' is a horrible idea. TMS does not respond to anger, period.
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"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"- John Lennon |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 07/16/2008 : 15:44:07
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And what Dave said is correct. One day, you will have to speak about issues that are deep down. Most times, we don't know what is bothering us until we trip and stumble over it.
I think THIS is where journaling can help. But to rehash it over and over again is not sensible.
Also, sometimes memories will shoot at you and feel like you just re-lived them for the first time, especially if you had a bad childhood. So I would say go slow and take it easy at first until you get used to the idea of being aware of things that might scare you.
YOu don't have to 'attack' the bad thoughts, but avoiding them is not a good idea either.
If you find that you 'fear the fear' to much, a therapist can be a guide. Well, if they're any good.
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"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"- John Lennon |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 07/18/2008 : 05:59:58
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quote:
Originally posted by la_kevin
And you say it as if I'm in charge of someone's progress or some sort of TMS 'guru'. I don't want that kind of responsibility. My opinions are just that, and based on my experience. Please don't over analyze my words to the point of making them contradict in your head.
my bad.
I thought about this alot. I see I keep falling into the "guru trap".
I guess a desperate tms'r will never get better. This just shows my desperation must be off the charts.
Does anyone else suffer from the "guru trap"? I'ts like Forrest gump when everyone followed Tom Hanks for some reason. With every tms book I read, or books that complement tms, I dwelve into it w/ the "this must be it" feeling I suppose.
When someone gets better here, I tend to go thru their posts and think "yes, this is what I have to do".
i'm beginning to see why and how I recovered b4, and why I'm not now. Perhaps this is the genesis of recovery this time. Or the accepting that I may never recover.
I'm the tms personality to the "t". I fit every profile. I have all the understanding.
I think I have to accept that the stress is too great right now. W/ a perfectionistic/goodist personality, 3 kids, wifey, traumatic childhood, and all the stress I went thru, going thru at work, I don't see recovery anytime soon, if at all. If it were just understanding, or journaling, or ignoring, or seeing a tms doc, the recovery would've happened by now.
I think Sarno mentioned somewhere that the stress can be too great to promote recovery, and until significant changes happen, there will be no recovery.
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2008 : 16:12:54
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Skiz -- maybe you do need to make some changes. Another possibility is you need to do what works for YOU, not what works for everyone else -- accept that your journey is individual. And until you make changes or if you don't want to in the end, you may need a really powerful way to express your emotions so they don't build up. I don't know what that would be for you -- but if you've read all the books likely you can think of some candidates.
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What were you expecting? |
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HellNY
130 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2008 : 21:19:21
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I almost think, Skizik, your need for an external authority to valiate and reassure you with a certain approach reflects a factor that keeps you in TMS. You dont really trust your own judgement but perhaps are much more confident when someone else provides something plausible. If you project some authority and wisdom onto them it helps you follow their advice and reify it as correct.
What Im saying is that this reflects your extreme need for certainty, control and reassurance. Your have an external locus of control on this issue. Or a high need for an suthority figure to provide you with a sense of control.
This may be holding you back because once again it reflects fear and a diminishing of oneself in the face of both the pain and external factors. |
Edited by - HellNY on 07/22/2008 21:19:58 |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2008 : 04:54:02
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quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
you may need a really powerful way to express your emotions so they don't build up.
I'm wondering more and more if this is true. I now have "facing the fire" on order. It has anger release excercises.
quote:
Originally posted by HellNY
What Im saying is that this reflects your extreme need for certainty, control and reassurance.
yup, my first time around I skeptically read HBP. I remember my first thoughts when reading it for the first time, "oh, you mean herniated discs are no big deal"?
I remember "breathing relief" for the first time in a year. The pain was still there, I had no intention of it going away, but it was like I took a mental painkiller.
I still used the book as a prop behind my back while I drove around at work. I simply read here and there. One day I told my wife, hey my back doesnt bother me anymore. It was a realization, not a goal I had made. I still thought I could'nt do what I could when I was in my 20's, but did'nt care as long as it did'nt bother me.
B4 I knew it, well, 2 years later I was back to the gym, and came to the realization I was stronger than I had been in my whole life.
Then the mounds of stress, and incredible all at once trauma I put myself thru, and whammo, injury from gym. Then I dig back into sarno, "this time I'll do the work", I had goals to get better in a month. yada yada.........hello 17 mos later.
In hindsight, I recovered from tms b4, but didn't learn anything. Lived the same. Had the same thoughts. And back into tms. But worse than ever because now I have the "why can't I recover" thoughts constantly. Kjarvis told me, if you recovered b4 but did'nt learn anything, it'll come back.
I'm currently reading Eckhert Tolle, and like HBP, I'm seeing myself on every page. Perhaps theres something there. |
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Afraid to explore the repressed anger
