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positivevibes
204 Posts |
 Posted - 06/29/2008 : 14:51:30
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I've had one hell of a stressful month, and my nervous system feels "shot" and "out of whack." Some of this may be caused by my thyroid (TSH getting too hyper; I scaled back on my Synthriod dosage to compensate), but I believe that at least some of this is caused by an overwhelming amount of stress this month and my reaction to it. I've actually had to take some anti-anxiety meds a couple of times this month to pull me through, which is really unusual for me.
The huge stressor has been my husband's mother -- she has dementia and is in assisted living. On June 10th she almost choked to death and they revived her with CPR. Then she was in and out of the hospital's ICU. We thought for sure we'd be planning her funeral, but then she pulled through. All this time, our family vacation, planned months ago (which begins July 1st) was looming -- would we get to go on this vacation or not? Add to this the fact that I'm not very close to her and I feel a lot of resentment toward her for number of reasons, so I guess deep down I feel guilty for wishing she wouldn't have made it. My husband was in a lot of emotional pain and turmoil. We all felt like we'd been hit by a truck.
And all this time, I'm thinking, "this is a lot of stress, I need to handle this so my back doesn't start hurting." And of course it DID start hurting (partly because I decided to try a trigger point massage; stupid decision). It has all done such a number on my head.
Whether or not I have specific physical structual problems (such as the "tear" recently dx'd in my foot), I know for a fact that I am a TMS personality and that stress and anxiety play a major role in my back problems. I fit the description so perfectly! Yesterday I was frantically searching for an important piece of paper and felt my back "twinge," which is so typical for me -- and I take it as a sign that indeed TMS is the culprit.
I'm re-reading The Mindbody Prescription, will listen once again to Dr. Schechter's audio program, and will actually DO his Mindbody Workbook this time, instead of just journaling occasionally. I really don't like where my mind and body are going these days. I'm too tense; my body feels strange and slightly numb, and my emotions are hair-trigger. I wake up feeling anxious (very unusual for me). I don't feel centered, and fear is starting to take a stronger hold in my psyche.
I WILL NOT LET THIS WIN. I'm going to fight this with every ounce of strength I have. I don't want to live this way. I don't like feeling so tense. Even little things that usually don't upset me are throwing me for a loop. It's as if my nervous system has become overwhelmed -- and I'm looking for a way to stop it.
I'm not looking forward to getting the results of the MRI of my back that I had taken a few weeks ago, but I realize that it's part of the process (need to make sure that there IS nothing serious going on).
I plan to go and see Dr. Schechter soon (if any of you have seen him I'd appreciate some opinions of his work with you). He's the closest TMS practicioner in my area (San Francisco area). If any of you think that seeing a different TMS practioner might be better than seeing Dr. Schechter (I've heard of Dr. Schubiner, for example), please let me know. I can't see Dr. Sarno because he only sees patients who actually LIVE in the NY/NJ area (ironically that's where I grew up!)
Well, that's all I want to say for now. I "fell off the TMS wagon" as my husband puts it, and I need to get back on. Even if there ARE some physical structural reasons for my pain, I know that TMS makes it all much worse.
My husband's mother is back in her assisted living place and we arranged for her to have 24/7 one-on-one care while we are away, for our peace of mind. On Tuesday we leave for Grand Cayman for about 2 weeks. I hope that a change of scenery will help to relax me, and that I'll come back feeling more like myself again.
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You are not your mind; you are not your thoughts. The incessant mental noise [of your thoughts] creates a false mind-made self that causes fear and suffering and prevents you from connecting with your true self and living in the Now. - Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now |
Edited by - positivevibes on 06/29/2008 14:56:29 |
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sensei adam rostocki
USA
167 Posts |
Posted - 06/29/2008 : 18:03:51
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Good Luck Positivevibes! I can certainly empathize. I have also had a stressful few months and also began suffering some strange symptoms I blamed on the usual martial arts injuries. The pain began in the neck, then the left elbow and right knee. Eventually, this last week it found its way to my lower back, my original trouble spot…
I know what the issues are and journaled about them and re-read the books, as per usual and feel much better. Talking to my girlfriend very openly about my issues also helps, as verbalizing the problems can sometimes make them more tangible than simply journaling (for me at least…)
It just goes to prove that the pain is always there lurking around the corner, for people prone to it. You might banish it, but you must remain vigilant or it can return from old or new issues. Regardless, it is always a humbling experience when a recurrence occurs. - Sensei
CURE-BACK-PAIN(dot)ORG |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2008 : 03:04:08
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quote:
I WILL NOT LET THIS WIN. I'm going to fight this with every ounce of strength I have. I don't want to live this way. I don't like feeling so tense. Even little things that usually don't upset me are throwing me for a loop. It's as if my nervous system has become overwhelmed -- and I'm looking for a way to stop it.
Take another look at what you are really saying. You have a new adversary in TMS. And by what you just said, it is doing exactly what it intends to do. By saying "I am going to fight this with every ounce", you just gave TMS permission to have all your attention. Nobody wants to "live this way", but in my most honest opinion, working to "get TMS out" has a rare chance of succeeding, if getting it out is the primary goal.
To quote you again:
quote:
I'm going to fight this with every ounce of strength I have.
TMS will take every ounce you have, trust me, you WILL NOT win if you fight with every ounce. I know that there is a chance by the word "fight', you mean to defeat it or to cure it, but observe your words and how you're looking at it.
I cannot stress enough to people who are "fighters" on this board(me being the poster child from hell), that 'fighting' is a losing battle with TMS.You win when you let go, when you accept, when you stop pushing.
If your body was a boxing ring...TMS would be Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson loved anger, the harder you punched, the harder he came. He liked the fear on people's faces. He was always coming at you. He liked hurting people. He loved domination of every ounce of the ring. He thrived off of it. And the angrier you got him, the better he got, which is rare in mortal combat.
Same with TMS.
I read your posts a lot, and you appear to be overlooking the POWER of letting go. I would suggest not only hearing the concept, but LIVING the concept. It is a strange concept to practice. But, with hardcore TMS cases, I find that it is crucial to healing the Nervous System.
For instance, my right side has spasms like nuts right now. I know it's TMS. It actually spasmed right when I was worried about gas prices, money, the economy etc. I had just finished watching a speech by a certain unnamed politician who literally made me scared when I thought of him being President, as he is senile and inept to the point of being borderline psychotic.
That aside, my back spasmed right then. Before, I used to think "OMG OMG what does this mean OMG, what happened now...how long will I be like this....omg..what the hell...stop stop...panic"
The usual.
Right now I'm thinking "Well, it's TMS showing me something and yeah it hurts like hell, but by the morning when I wake up it will be gone. Accept the pain because you have a hyper pain body and you are probably stressed about things you can't control, so leave it alone and let it do it's stupid **** if it has to."
The first method that I used to do, would prolong the pain for weeks, maybe months.
The second method, which I do now, takes all the power away. Sometimes it's instant. But I know my body well enough to know that this certain spot in my back is stubborn as hell. So I give him a day to let go. He usually gets it.
SO don't "fight'. Turn the fight into repositioning the way you 'see things'. The odds of success are much higher when you opt out of the struggle.
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"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"- John Lennon |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2008 : 06:19:36
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All of us from time to time have 'lapses' in sanity, where we lose our footing for a minute. It's just part of the trip. It doesn't mean the work we've done up to that point hasn't been of any value, but it is yesterday's news and if your body has chosen to bless you with TMS (rather than say... being a parapalegic, having cancer) than we just keep moving down the road.We are quite fortunate that our problem has such a simple solution.
There are no truck stops, though sometimes the traffic thins out.
Yesterday while I was at my 'old' home watching my children, I began to have a chest pain (Oh my god...heart attack, emergency room, I'm going to die). I'm certain this has nothing to do with being in the home of my ex-mate watching my kids adjust to a two home lifestyle and my eldest get ready to go away for a month...it's just a coincidence that I was destined to die on this very day.
So I went out and played football.Really hard. Than I came home and lifted weights for an hour and a half, did the stairmaster thing (never did that before!) and went swimming.
As long as I'm dying, I might as well look good at the funeral.
Years of conditioning haven't stopped it from starting, they have only stopped it from getting anywhere further than a few moments of distraction.
-peace
Baseball65
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positivevibes
204 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2008 : 11:35:09
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LA Kevin - I think that "accepting" is probably harder to do than "fighting," but you are probably right. I'm trying to see my body as an observer (the way Tolle suggests) and I think that method helps a person to "accept" rather than "fight" and to let feelings "flow through" instead.
I think our natural response is to fight TMS. To say, "I don't want to feel this way" and resist the pain. I suppose I'm very stubborn. Even Dr. Bloch said that I have to accept some pain in my life, but (perhaps it's the perfectionist in me) deep down I keep thinking that ANY amount of pain is unacceptable, because before this latest episode of back pain I didn't feel ANY discomfort at all for several years.
Regarding anxiety, it's even harder when you find yourself getting all caught up in a huge web of anxiety that has been building upon itself for days. Controlling anxiety is just as challenging as controlling pain and how you feel about pain.
Well, I have to finish packing for my trip!
**********
You are not your mind; you are not your thoughts. The incessant mental noise [of your thoughts] creates a false mind-made self that causes fear and suffering and prevents you from connecting with your true self and living in the Now. - Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2008 : 17:55:01
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Good Luck Positivevibes. Sounds like you have been thru a lot recently. I think that your decision to go see a TMS practioner is a really good one.
Enjoy yr holiday.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
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HellNY
130 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2008 : 18:09:25
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I think this is a great course of action PositiveVibes. I think you can also convince yoursel fof your own TMS if you review your history of posts. You have variously entertained a strange neurological condition where you keep "almost falling," apparently a "must see neurologist ASAP" issue. And then you have a structural problem with your foot. And also back pain. And the thyroid. And. And And.
Were you really the victim of all these various disorders? Or is there one common thread?
Im not saying this to anger you or to belittle your very real symptoms. I am simply saying I have been there before. Where I "KNEW" I had serious physicla problems. Sciatica. IBS. Migraines. Tinnitus. Dysesthesias. Chronic fatigue. Blah ....Blah....BLAH
I rarely have any of these now and it has to do with how I changed my perspective.
Baseballss post about not FIGHTING is right on. TMS FEEDS on your desire to win. Its only when you live your life and "dont care" about the symptoms. When you decide (I mean REALLY FEEL, DEEP DOWN) that they have NO MEANING other than a whoel charade, then tey dissapear.
Thats the paradox. In order to win you have to stop fighting. The more you want it to go away, the more you wish you were better, the less likely you succeed. I know that sounds "f'd up" but its exactly what I have found. Im 75% better than I have been in 10 years and continue to improve. My life is almnost completely normal now.
This after "recurrent herniations" "a new tear in teh MRI" (yes, that was MY new tear, not yours), Dx this and Dx that.
No more meds and in less pain than I have ever felt in a decade now!
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Edited by - HellNY on 06/30/2008 18:10:29 |
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skizzik
USA
783 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2008 : 05:54:27
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the more I learn about tms, the more convinced (unfortunately perhaps) I am there is no cure. Only treatment.
And the method of treatment has been a great debate. If you do TMS treatment w/ the intention of getting rid of the pain, you can perpetuate the pain or make it excrutiating just as bad as if you were reading your mri report.
People who I thought had tms licked, still have relapses regardless of their knowledge.
I'm thinking people who were cured years ago w/ Sarno (myself) and have had major relapses (myself) are perhaps the greatest sufferer's. "Why won't it go away, knowing what I know?" "how much more digging can I do?" "How many more therapists can I try?" "How much more can I ignore?", "If I just had'nt done that activity that gave me the nocebo"?
Flybynights journey always comes back to me. Living w/ tms in symbiosis, seeing it as good for you even if you can't see it.
http://tmshelp.com/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=3710
Perhaps I'll get there someday. Perhaps he's had a relapse himself and thats why his e-mail is inactive, or he's happy in symbiosis w/ it and staying far away.
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Edited by - skizzik on 07/01/2008 06:48:17 |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2008 : 08:51:29
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quote:
Originally posted by skizzik
the more I learn about tms, the more convinced (unfortunately perhaps) I am there is no cure. Only treatment.
I don't believe that at all. However, I believe that everyone has a different definition of "cure" and some people might have unrealistic expectations in both the time it takes to recover and what recovery actually means.
If your goal is to be 100% free of psychogenic pain every minute of every day, then I believe it is unrealistic.
For me, the "cure" means that the symptoms no longer have any power. They may still appear from time to time, but they are treated as a benign signal of underlying emotional issues that we may need to address.
Everybody, including Dr. Sarno, experiences psychogenic symptoms from time to time. The key is that we recognize the origin is psychological, and not structural. We do not allow fear to set in. We ignore the symptoms, address our emotions as best we can, and trust that the symptoms will fade. We do not allow the symptoms to affect our lives in a negative way. We accept them -- even welcome them -- as a part of our being. |
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2008 : 10:55:18
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Hey Positive,
I think you're back on the right track...this is the first post from you (that I recall) where you are talking about what's going on in your life and in your psyche versus what's going on in your physical body. Sorry that you're struggling so much right now but take heart, you're getting to the root of your TMS by feeling your emotions and acknowledging how much anger and grief you are carrying. You're on your way to being 100% pain free; you just have to trust that you're moving in the right direction and keep on going!
When I was in the trenches of curing my TMS pain, about 4 years ago, I was talking with my mom about how hard it was to make the changes I was trying to make, in my life and and in my career. And she said something that really helped me and which I'll always remember (ironic, since she's the source of 90% of my TMS personality).
She started off saying, "God never closes one door without opening another." And then she thought for a second and said, "But sometimes that hallway's a real bitch!"
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2008 : 11:03:31
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On the subtopic of what "cured" means:
I consider myself 100% cured, pain free etc. I have been for 4+ years.
Does that mean I never, ever get a twinge of psychogenic pain? No. I get them. And I think: hmm, what does that signify? What's going on in my mind, what am I thinking and feeling? What's bothering me? I immediately launch into an inventory of my "stuff" and the pain retreats.
I don't worry about it. I don't live in fear. I do what I want: I bike 20+ miles a day, I lift weights, I go camping and sleep on the hard, lumpy ground and wake up feeling fine! I listen to my friends around the morning campfire bitch about their aching backs and necks and how they chiro or their accupuncturist said this or that was the reason for their pain. And I keep my mouth shut. I don't point out all the reasons I can see for their pain just from observing the surface of their lives,their anger and frustrations, their grief and disappointments. And I smile!! And I thank Dr. Sarno from freeing me from this world of illusion.
That's my definition of cured. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2008 : 11:33:22
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quote:
I'm thinking people who were cured years ago w/ Sarno (myself) and have had major relapses (myself) are perhaps the greatest sufferer's. "Why won't it go away, knowing what I know?" "how much more digging can I do?" "How many more therapists can I try?" "How much more can I ignore?", "If I just had'nt done that activity that gave me the nocebo"?
I'm thinking people who keep wondering "Why won't it go away" are still emotionally reactive to their pain, and that's why they aren't 'cured'.
As Dave and Logan said, cured is when the symptoms no longer have power over you. When you do what you want, you attend to your emotional business, and you live your life. If you continue to allow them to have power over you, if you continue to allow them to rule your thinking, you will have more frequent and more severe relapses because the symptoms still work on you as a distraction. You will continue to suffer.
Pain of various kinds, whether emotional or physical, is inevitable. Suffering is not.
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What were you expecting? |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2008 : 11:40:40
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quote:
I'm thinking people who keep wondering "Why won't it go away" are still emotionally reactive to their pain, and that's why they aren't 'cured'.
Which goes back to control also.
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"Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans"- John Lennon |
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campbell28
80 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2008 : 15:30:00
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interesting reading this: i've been thinking about how I should wait to post a success story until I feel 100 per cent better - 'cured' - but actually, by most of the definitions given here, I already am really - the fear has gone: the pain has no power over me.
I had a funny moment yesterday when I'd been to a dance class and got home and my lower back felt really stiff with a point that hurt when I pressed it. I never ever do my pilates stretches any more, but i lay down and did a couple, thinking ' it can't do any harm'. but it felt weird. and I remembered how I used to lie in pilates just bursting with frustration and nearly crying because al;l my muscles were tight, and I couldnt do half of the exercises becasue I was scared about hurting myself, and how f****ing boring the whole thing was anyway but I thought it was the only thing keeping me from falling to bits altogether.
then I thought 'what on earth am I doing? this is silly' and got up and read some of the mind-body prescription and thought about what might be bothering me, and had a bit of a cry and wrote some stuff down. and all the focus went away from my back again.
it just reminded me how sneakily clever TMS is, how quickly it moves to exploit your fears, how it picks on exactly the right spot that will convince you.
but also how easy it is to make it vanish, go away, once you know how to recognise it and look underneath it.
I had a ridiculously symbolic dream a couple of months ago: can't remember exactly what was happening but this witch appeared high up in the sky (I dream about terrifying witches quite a lot). usually this would be the signal for dream terror, but in this one I thought 'no, sod it, I'm going to chase her' and I zoomed right up after her in to the sky, but I couldn't see her anywhere. Then I looked down and saw she was in the water in a lake; so I flew right back down again and plunged in after her, and was trying to grab her with my hands, but there was nothing there, just water.
then I think i woke up and actually laughed at myself because it was so clear what my brain was saying: the only thing you're scared of is fear; nothing real; if you face the fear you will see there is nothing really there. that's all TMS is. in fact thinking about it I guess the witch was also my reflection: self-created fear.
anyway, this is rather a rambly post, but good luck postivevibes. what people say about not fighting but accepting is definitely the way forward. There is nothing actually TO fight, except the fear. |
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sensei adam rostocki
USA
167 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2008 : 18:31:49
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I think Dave's comment is simply brilliant.
CURE-BACK-PAIN(dot)ORG |
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Re-committing myself to the TMS approach
