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positivevibes
204 Posts |
 Posted - 05/28/2008 : 03:16:12
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I've come to realize lately that when my back starts to hurt it probably means I need to sit down and do some thinking, because something is brewing inside my mind. So bear with me because this post does ramble a bit.
Tonight I was writing in my TMS journal, asking myself the usual questions and struggling to come up with new answers (because the old answers didn't seem to solve the problems).
And it came to this realization, amid multiple streams of tears and sessions of nose-blowing: For the past 6 years I have been denying a very important and crucial part of myself: My creativity, (which for me pretty much equates "my soul.") For years I told myself that it wasn't important. Nothing could be futher from the truth.
Six years ago I started an internet business. It was a time in my life when I had recently passed age 40 and had given myself a beautiful Stratocaster guitar (my first eletric guitar) as a gift (I had been playing acoustic since I was a teenager and was very excited to "plug in" for the first time).
I took lessons...I learned how to improvise for the first time in my life...learned and finally understood a lot of music theory. I was having a blast. Writing songs, constantly hearing music in my head. It was wonderful. It FELT wonderful. I was poised to possibly "jam" in public for the first time ever (something that scared me but I wanted to do it anyway). And then....I created this internet business for reasons I still don't understand. And soon it took over my life. That creative part of me got locked away and was struggling to get out. I knew it -- could feel it -- but was powerless to change it, because my business had become very successful and was demanding all of my time and energy. I felt trapped and I was miserable. Yet the business was bringing in a lot of money and I really couldn't just stop it.
Well I finally found a way to "get out from under" (My husband helped me hire a fulfillment company to ship all our products). And now after 3 solid years of not even touching my guitar, I finally will have free time again. Time to pursue whatever comes along. I want to buy a digital recording studio and learn how to use it! I want to compose music again. I want to make cool song mashups. I want to take some creative writing classes. I want to act in community theater. THAT is what I want to do! Jesus, I want to have FUN!
I've been feeling very agitated these past few days (coinciding with my back starting to hurt...uh huh....). A feeling of free-floating anxiety. Well instead of letting it scare me, this time I questioned it and chipped away at it. Observed it from all angles. I've been reading "The Power of Now" and (as Dr. Bloch suggested) am trying to be aware of all the negative thinking that goes on "in the background." Tons...there is tons of it.
I sat down tonight to write in my TMS journal and finally the floodgates opened. I apologized to myself for being so "mean" and taking away something that had made me so happy. I'm still not exactly sure why I created my internet business, but maybe the "why" isn't so important at this point. What is important is understanding who I am and not denying my true nature anymore. Because in the past I've always regarded my music and poetry as silly and unproductive. Questioned my own talent. Put myself down. Struggled with my insecurity. I mean, if I can't answer "my true calling" at age 47, when the hell am I going to do it?
My happiest times were when I was in college. I was a radio DJ in the early 80s (the most fun I've ever had). I was a broadcasting major. Music and creativity were my life. But then...it was time to get serious and make money. Repress, suppress....you know, I tell my kids that they should pick a career that makes them happy, that gives them bliss. Because deep down I know that I was unable to do that. That I was too afraid and I stopped myself. I stopped listening to that little voice.
I guess it all boils down to this: learning to listen to yourself and understand who you truly are deep inside. Finding the essence of your being. What gives you pure joy, even if it "goes nowhere" in the world -- doesn't make you money or is a means to any end except for your happiness. Because I truly believe that IF you follow that feeling of bliss, everything will be right in your life.
As for my life...well, it has been disjointed but fortunately things have turned out alright. I have a husband who loves me and two beautiful daughters and I've accidently become a successful entrepreneur. But that girl inside who only wants to create....I think it's her time to come out of the shadows now.
Tonight I realized that no matter what ever happens in my life, I need to tap into that inner source that is joy and stay with it. And I suppose for me, it is often embodied in the form of music or poetry. Maybe I'm not good enough to become a notable artist, hell if you heard or read my stuff you might even think that I stink...but what I create is the substance of my soul and is therefore it is valid and deserves to be heard.
Somehow tonight I've managed to liberate myself. Nevertheless, I know that there's still more work to do. |
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mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 05/28/2008 : 08:51:56
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PV: thanks for sharing what's going on for you. So happy to hear of your creative side and your plans to unleash!!! Awesome to create music!!
I feel the same about my son and choosing the path HE wants--not a parent-imposed one. I had my own dream career squashed too. I had to do some writing on that one and forgiving too!
PS: I had some pains late last week and realized I was quite apprehensive, ok, AFRAID, of an upcoming appointment (now over). Wrote about it and talked to myself. Pain went away. Of course!
Best wishes,
L
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Kristin
98 Posts |
Posted - 05/28/2008 : 09:55:53
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| Beautiful! The supressed repressed creativity is also a source of my stress. I hate getting caught up in mundane routines when all I want to do is play with my beads, garden, paint, draw, write, etc. I am experiencing burn-out at work right now but I persevere for the security, benefits, money, etc. |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 05/28/2008 : 10:36:51
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As a musician myself I understand completely, the void that comes when you don't express that creativity. For a lot of us it feels as if something is dead. One of the biggest 'regrets" I have from having TMS is, it took me away from my musical creativity for years.
I gave up a lot because of always fighting pain. I play almost every day now again. I ALLOWED myself to go through the 'pain' of writing songs and being creative again. It may only make sense to some people, but when you're a musician, the music can 'hurt' sometimes. It can bring up many things that maybe you buried away.
Some people cry when they hear songs. For a lifelong musician, the experience is much more intense. We 'see' music I think. It's photographs to many of us.
I believe music can save people. That's always been my thought. And if you are a musician in SPIRIT and HEART(which you sound like you are), you cannot deny it's need. For us, music IS WHAT we are, way deep down behind all the extra 'stuff'.
Don't give it up. Learn new chords, learn new styles. Try writing and actually finishing songs. It does make life with pain a little better.
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"Over thinking...over analyzing...separates the body from the mind." Maynard from the band TOOL |
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positivevibes
204 Posts |
Posted - 05/28/2008 : 12:44:23
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Wow, I'm so glad the people get what I've said. It seemed so rambling when I wrote it.
The thing about music and writing for me is that it seems to come from a very deep place inside. It's like something magical happens that is beyond my visceral control. When I write a good poem, it's as if I fall into a trance. Time and place don't matter. It's just me and the words -- or the feelings evoked by the words. It has always been that way. And I agree that it can be painful (especially if you can't seem to finish it or "make it right") Creating something is like giving birth. It has always felt that way to me.
It took years to realize that not everyone "is" this way. My husband isn't this way. Maybe that's why our marriage works so well -- we balance each other out. I'm not sure he totally understands that side of me, but he supports anything I want to do.
Being a creative person is probably a lot like being blonde or brunette or 5'4" -- we don't choose it, it is just who we are, and we can either accept it and listen to it, or try to cover it up.
I have no idea where my creative stuff will take me, but even if it takes me no further than my own living room, feeling happy, that will be enough because I will no longer deny this important part of myself.
I will finally publish a book of my poems. Self-publish. After years of frustration trying (not trying very hard I will admit) to get into various magazines...well screw that. I used to think that the only way to "validate" my writing was to get critical acclaim from others ("I must be a good writer because others say so"). Well life is too short. I don't want my writing languishing in some file folder only to be forgotten. And I don't want my music to stay stuck in my head, one day dying with me. I owe it to myself. |
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southpaw
Canada
29 Posts |
Posted - 05/29/2008 : 10:23:10
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Wow a lot of repressed artists on here! I'm one too, that was one of my pages of journaling. I don't think I've read in any of the TMS books that repressed creativity could trigger TMS but it seems like there are many on this forum.
I'm trying to find time for my fine art/illustration that I left behind when family matters took precedence and then the TMS pain exhausted me.I was always saying to myself that I could get so much more artwork done if I didn't have this damn pain every time I sat down at the art table.
I also play the piano and haven't had one for 5 years so I better go out and buy one! |
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Coming through the tunnel into the light
