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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
 Posted - 05/09/2008 : 19:16:12
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I was reading The Divided Mind yesterday when I came across an interesting bit on page 95. Dr Sarno mentions a man who was basically a good guy but had such a rotten temper that his family urged hime to seek psychotherapy. He learned to control his anger but then started having back pain. Apparently he needed to express his displaced anger in order to keep his inner rage at an acceptable level. However because that option was no longer available to him the repressed rage increased thus leading to physical symptoms. According to Sarno when conscious anger is supressed, it somehow becomes part of the reservoir of rage. The thing is that sarno does not mention how he solved this problem
I grew up as the older of 2 children in a family where my father was an alcoholic and physically and emotionally abused my mother. He was NEVER abusive to me or my younger sister. In fact he loved us very much in his own warped way but it was not a healthy environment to grow up in. That's why I left to live with my grandparents in India when I was 11. Being with a man like him changed my mother a lot and left her with a lot of issues which she has never resolved. She is an absolute control freak and is always right.
Since I was a child till the time I got married, I would scream and shout in my sleep often crying out for 'mom'. This would happen nearly every single day of my life and since I spoke 3 languages at the time I was told that I would shout in all 3 languages. My aunts, uncle, cousins, friends would say that I would get very very angry in my sleep. I also had a bad temper and would lash out quite easily with people I was in a relationship with.
Then at the age of 36, I got married. My husband has to be the nicest, kindest most gentle person I have ever met and has a great sense of humour. I realised very early on in my marriage that there was no reason, no point arguing or fighting with him. Then things with my mom got so bad that I decided not to engage with her in any sort of discussion anymore and refused to give her the power to hurt me with her terrible words. The sreaming and shouting in my sleep has stopped and yes the pain in my back started.
I can't start screaming and shouting at everyone again but could someone please give me some advice on what to do?
Thanks
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
Edited by - mala on 05/09/2008 19:19:32 |
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altherunner
Canada
511 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 19:51:40
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| I had anger at my parents for neglecting my siblings and I, and used to work out on a punching bag, and run. Facing the Fire by John Lee has a lot of good info on expressing anger appropriaely. Since reading Eckhart Tolle's books over the last few years, I don't seem to generate the anger I used to. His teachings have been very helpful. |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 20:30:45
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Thanks altherunner but i wonder if to stop generating anger is what I really want. If stopping it means that it is going to express itself as a physical hurt somewhere in my body like it is doing now then I need an outlet for it.
Previously when I was able to express my anger either in my sleep or in any other way I was physically OK. I was able to keep my rage at a point where it didn't need to manifest itself into pain. Now that I've stopped being angry the resevoir is obviously overflowing.
Honestly I'd rather be angry than be in pain.
I will read Facing the Fire.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
Edited by - mala on 05/09/2008 21:19:33 |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 21:40:41
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You can also hit pillows if you don't want to set up a punching bag, and just yell or whatever. Basically venting but not AT anyone. Just give anyone who's around a heads up so they don't think you are having an immediate problem. Also write in large angry letters in a journal.
I just got Facing the Fire but I haven't started it yet. We'll see where I go with that.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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altherunner
Canada
511 Posts |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 21:40:44
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Maybe expressing it will bring it out, and get the pain out, too.
Have you ever tried hitting a bag? It can be quite a good workout.
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 05/10/2008 : 06:34:30
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Hi Mala.
I'm not sure the anger always has to have an appropriate expression. If it did, I would need to run out and pound on a half dozen people today. Fortunately, Sarno has saved me (and those people) by making clear that it's the bringing it to awareness that stops the pain....EVEN IF IT'S NOT THE RIGHT ONE !!
I think a lot of us forget that from time to time. Since it's repressed and we have no access to it, we can only speculate and make mini 'gedankenexperiments'. That's the 'thought experiment' that Einstein allegedly used these to come up with the theory of relativity.
If I get a symptom, I start fishing around in my head, my life, my world for what might be bugging me, trying to find an equation that makes sense. What should I be angry about ? What do I know I'm angry about? Where do I go where I'm not allowed to show any anger (or passion for that matter)
Usually this is sufficient, and I just keep the walking dialogue going like a mantra. When I think I have a good idea, I scribble it down or record it into my phones memo. I have one Bro who knows about Sarno, and we discuss our theories. It's nice to have some outside insights...for example:
I have known him for about 15 years. He is an artist and a musician. He is now in management in my company. He isn't painting or playing like he usually does...he's stressing out about whether or not there are enough chairs for a wedding at the church, whether or not the water damage in the school is going to blow his budget for the year. Than he gets a week full of migraines. We talk. I might say something like
"Gee... I'm sure the painter/artist in you would have really given a damn about having to use folding chairs at a wedding"...and he laughs. A few days later, he's better.
He does the same for me.
Remember though.. they are just theories. I have recovered from relapses being Completely wrong. A lot of the time I think I have the answer and than 4 months or a year later I reflect on that time and think "Damn... I was totally missing (blank)"
Now... if after a few minutes,hours, days, I can feel that I'm not getting it, I go to plan B. Break something. Go full on postal,screaming-freak-out-gestalt (In private, of course). My list from the scribbling gives me good fodder, and than there's always the basics (Family,work,mortality,etc) I know you said you can't go screaming and shouting, but I assume you meant in the 'real' world. Isn't there some place you can go and be alone and safe?
and lastly, I always think it's good to get alone and watch a sad movie and have a good old fashioned private meltdown. Cry. Let it out. It always feels good, and I have never 'gone there' without getting better physically.
All of these aren't really the answer. The cure comes from the awareness. They are really just ways to communicate to that inner monster-child that we know what's going on and that the distraction isn't working. I've had some days recently that were so emotionally painful that I almost miss the pain....almost.
quote:
My husband has to be the nicest, kindest most gentle person I have ever met and has a great sense of humour. I realised very early on in my marriage that there was no reason, no point arguing or fighting with him
People like that are TMS booby traps. My Boss is like that...nicest guy in the world, easy to talk too, reasonable...but I know somewhere in my sick head I resent him for being so cool. I am not allowed to even think a bad though about him if he issues an order I don't like. He's popular, good looking and well respected in the community (jealousy again). How could I ever get angry at him?
and your Dad? Talk about an ambiguous feeling ! You're probably in a rage that he abused your Mom, upset your chance at having the Brady Bunch Family life...and yet you love him and he was good to you.
Your sleep rages were obviously your outlet, but since it wasn't something you can really regulate you might have to try some new 3D approach in the daylight. I don't think it matter how...just that you try something.
-peace
bb65 |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 05/10/2008 : 17:54:34
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Hi Baseball65.
Thanks for your post.
I wonder if just knowing or being aware is enough. Why then do so many people need to delve further or get into pyschotherapy?
I do so like the idea of breaking something. It's so primal. It's something I used to do a lot but haven't done in a while. I also used to cry a lot, not the quiet oh- I -feel- so -sorry- for- myself kind but great big sobs of frustration & indignation punctuated with gulps of rage & anger. I used to feel soooo good after one of those sessions. Haven't done that in ages.
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People like that are TMS booby traps.
Never quite thought about my husband like that. He is the complete opposite of what my father was but yes you may be right. I will give that and other issues some more thought.
Take care.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
Edited by - mala on 05/10/2008 18:31:04 |
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rage and how to express anger.
