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positivevibes
204 Posts |
 Posted - 04/29/2008 : 01:31:22
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I haven't been here in while because up until two days ago I was doing really well. But I need some advice and encouragement from you guys...and some feedback from anyone who has seen/spoken to Dr. Dubin.
I have read all of Dr. Sarno's books, watched his DVD, and listened to Dr. Schechter's audio lectures. Dr. Schechter has a slightly different take on TMS and it hit home with me. I found it helped me to overcome a lot of fear and apprehension. I haven't done the journaling yet, but I think I may start.
My family and I went to Tokyo last month and I was having a lot of fear and anxiety surrounding various things about the trip. Sure enough, I had a TMS attack in a muscle in my back one week before our flight. I mistakenly went to my osteopath for a manipulation. He made things worse. Then I was really cursing myself. But I just forged onward. I took Tylenol and some Ibuprofen and told my brain to "stop it".
The flight over to Tokyo was fine. No problems at all. All the walking and being jostled around in the subway didn't agree with my back and sometimes it felt really tight and achy. But I just took the non-RX painkillers and had a few hot baths and forged on. And the pain went away. Coming home from Tokyo my back felt just fine. I caught a cold, but my back was OK!
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. We found out that our 14-year-old daughter's "mild" case of scoliosis is not so mild after all -- it is now 30 degrees and she will need a nighttime body brace. This news totally blindsighted us. My husband and I were both incredibly upset for about a week (crying all the time, etc). I told myself that I will NOT let this result in a TMS attack. I felt my feelings and tried not to repress anything.
For both me and my husband there are a lot of feelings of guilt surrounding our daughter's situation -- we should have handled her situation differently but we got bad advice last year (we were told not to worry about it). Last week we had to scramble to see a specialist to get the REAL story on what should be done. It has been very difficult for both me and my husband to deal with.
The whole thing makes me feel sick to my stomach. I've dealt with back-related issues my entire life (but I don't have scoliosis). Now my daugther has a permanent problem with her back (the curve is unlikely to get better and we can only hope that it won't get worse). You can't begin to imagine how horrible this is for me -- knowing that her back will never be normal. The one thing I always hoped is that my kids wouldn't have to deal with back problems that way I've had to. And now this -- this THING that will never go away! The reality of this is almost too much for me to bear. I pray that she will never need spinal rod fusion surgery (there are no guarantees in this situation).
Fortunately she has no pain whatsoever. She's dealing with it pretty well -- it's ME who is the emotional wreck. It's such cruel irony. I found a scoliosis message board which has been very helpful. But still every morning I wake up and wish it had all been a nightmare instead of reality.
After a week of extreme upset I was able to somehow move on emotionally. I had to -- I can't spend all my time feeling upset and rehashing "should'ves" with my husband. But I wondered if "moving on" meant repressing. Yesterday I think I found out my answer.
Yesterday I was cleaning up some stuff in my house and there was an open box that weighed about 50 lbs. I wanted it to be moved a few feet away, to get it out of the way. I could have asked my husband. I could have asked my kids. But no...I just did it myself...grabbed an open flap and pulled it toward me across the room. I could have shoved it from behind, but no...I pulled it instead. Well I sure did feel that a couple of hours later. My first significant back pain in several months. I'm now taking non-RX painkillers and RX anti-inflammatories again to help me deal with it.
If this had happened before I had read Sarno, I would be incredibly upset, wondering what I did to myself; cursing myself for my stupidity. But for the past two days I've been telling myself, "Don't make this an opportunity for a TMS attack." and "Put this in its proper place...you pulled a muscle and it will heal...do not give this any more power in your life than it deserves." My husband, who read one of Dr. Sarno's books, said to me, "If you had pulled a muscle in your leg, would you be overly concerned about it?" I thanked him for reminding me that a back muscle is just another muscle in the body and that "it doesn't mean anything."
Still, I'm worried. It's hard not to worry when you've been in chronic back pain in the past. I wish I could stop worrying. I HATE feeling any pain in my back. It makes me feel very angry and also sad and defeated. I'm wondering if this entire episode is a thing I manufactured to distract me from the deeper scarier feelings about my daughter's situation. I mean -- I knew that I probably shouldn't have moved that box -- that maybe it weighed too much -- but I took the risk anyway. Why did I do that to myself? Did I need to create some physical pain to distract me from my emotional pain? Am I trying to punish myself for not following my daughter's problem more closely last year, when we could have treated her curve sooner?
I'm thinking of calling Dr. Dubin and having some consultations with him (phone or in person). I live near San Francisco and could fly down to LA if necessary. I need to know specifically what to say to myself when these things happen to me. I need to understand myself better. I don't feel totally empowered yet. I've never had an in-person consultation with a TMS doctor, so I'm also thinking of seeing Dr. Schechter.
Setbacks like this really get to me. How do you guys deal with situations like this? Have any of you been in situations where you "did something" that potentially could hurt you and then suffered the consequences? What is that all about?! Is it some sort of self-hate? Creation of a physical distraction? Or just "not thinking" and impulsively doing? And...from a Sarno perspective -- did I even pull a muscle at all, or is my pain totally TMS -- totally created by my mind? |
Edited by - positivevibes on 04/29/2008 02:24:20 |
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positivevibes
204 Posts |
Posted - 04/29/2008 : 02:26:47
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| You know guys, re-reading and editing my post I'm getting really upset and am sitting here crying my eyes out. I guess I have been repressing a lot of feelings for the past week. Now if only my back would stop hurting, too. |
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RageSootheRatio
Canada
430 Posts |
Posted - 04/29/2008 : 08:44:46
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PV: sorry to hear about your daughter's scoliosis, and sorry for the short reply, but please read this article about SpineCor in a major Canadian publication:
http://www.macleans.ca/article.jsp?content=20080123_55198_55198&source=srch
Also.. re Sarno's prescribed treatment for TMS: he really recommends the journalling!! and sounds like you would benefit from following his recommendation to write some long essays on various aspects of your life (as I recall he outlines specifically what to write about in The Divided Mind.)
(Sorry, I don't know Dr. Dubin so can't answer your question, there.) |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 04/29/2008 : 16:47:16
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Dubin will do phone therapy, so I don't think you'd have to fly down.
If you're near SF and could use some support, we could try to rustle up the Bay Area Support group again. Wavy even met Tennis Tom once...but he is not around now. Oh well. I would be happy to meet some fellow TMSers in person even though I am doing really well these days.
Your feelings are your feelings, but I am a tad surprised at your description of hew your daughter's scoliosis has upset you so much. She is not having pain right now and there are measures that can be taken even if her back will always curve some -- it does not sound like a catastrophe to me although it must be a significant worry, so I wonder if something else is coming up for you that's associated with this, or if you are prone to catastrophizing things. I have a bit of that tendency myself, so I have experience with how it can make things seem much worse.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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truenorth
USA
83 Posts |
Posted - 04/30/2008 : 09:10:00
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I had ten phone sessions with Don Dubin in the late fall that were very helpful. From what I've read recently on this board, he has terminal cancer and is not seeing any patients.
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positivevibes
204 Posts |
Posted - 05/03/2008 : 01:19:20
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Truenorth, you are unfortunately correct about Don Dubin. Very very sad. I hope he pulls through.
Arnold Bloch is taking some of his patients. I had one phone session with him this week and so far, I like him a lot. He certainly did get to the heart of things quickly in our phone session. I think it will take a few more sessions, because many of my issues are quite deep-seated, dealing with self-esteem and similar matters. I must admit that I felt rather "off kilter" today after speaking with him because I think my psyche is resisting the idea of change. Or something like that. It's a little scary to break old thought patterns that have been comfortable, even if they are not good for me. I think I have a lot of hard work ahead of me.
Armchairlinguist -- you're right about my tendency to catastrophize things. But in this case, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt about not following up on her condition sooner (thus possibly preventing the curve from getting to 30 degrees). |
Edited by - positivevibes on 05/03/2008 01:25:11 |
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altherunner
Canada
511 Posts |
Posted - 05/03/2008 : 09:31:39
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| I had 4 sessions with Dr. Dubin - he was most helpful. I am sorry to hear he is not well , I am going to write to him today. So sorry about your daughter - I also have scoliosis, it is not as noticeable as it was in my younger years, as the pain has gone away. I took Alexander lessons, and Feldenkrais classes, that helped with my posture. |
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Coping with Setbacks -- anybody seen Dr. Dubin?
