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AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
 Posted - 03/28/2008 : 09:45:08
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As I focus on the psychological stuff, I find myself getting angrier
and angrier and I don't know what to do with that stuff.
I don't know how to not repress it. I wind up getting so angry that
I'm afraid I'm going to damage something like hit a wall or break down
my closet doors (as I wanted to do 2 nights ago) and then I just wind
up trying to calm down and in the blink of an eye my rage is gone and
I'm focusing on my breathing. It seems like I just make my rage be
quiet - which is repression, right?
How do you not repress anger - while also not unleashing it on things
or people around you? I don't get that part of things.
For those of you into journaling, how do you handle this? Journaling
about the stuff that could be contributing to my unconscious anger,
and conscious anger, just makes me so frustrated, depressed, and
angry.
I get funked out from it and don't feel better afterwards. I think
I've been buying into the idea so far in this latest relapse with the
TMS pain that it's better to have the pain than to be emotionally
upset because at least when I have the pain I can still get some work
related stuff done and I don't feel like a total **** up.
When I'm an emotional basket case as I was for the 2 weeks before this
flare up, I feel utterly useless and pathetic. I can't do anything -
visit friends, talk to people on the phone, get a long with my
boyfriend, work, anything. I feel totally helpless and awful.
So I'm seeing why my back hurts. It's like I'm just storing all that
rage there so that at least I can get *something* done and not feel
like a waste of space.
Ugh. Even typing this is making me upset and bringing tears and anger
up. I seem to have my mind convinced that I can't afford to be
emotionally unstable, but it's quite alright to be physically
disabled. WTF!? I am not even able to stand straight lately because of
my back pain. It's so LAME!
How do you guys deal with this? The anger that comes up as you're
trying to accept the diagnosis and follow the instructions of
journaling, etc?
I feel scared of my emotions and I know that's not helping things. I
sometimes think that if I had the time where I could really allow
myself the space to get super angry that maybe I would be able to get
better, but since I don't have that luxury financially, I seem to be
opting for the symptom that allows me to still be productive
sometimes.
I feel like I'm talking in circles now. Can someone see something that
might be useful to share with me?
Thank you. |
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mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2008 : 12:13:22
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Let the feelings out. Feel the feelings. Get as angry as you need to. I have screamed out I've been so enraged as I've done journaling. I have also cried a lot. I have been coached that when the anger is there, talk out why I am angry, keep talking, I feel angry that . . . is there more. . . stay with it a bit, and move to next feeling.
There is nothing wrong with getting it out. I know, as women we are trained to repress and showing anger is just plain wrong.
I found that as I was writing, more and more came up and I was able to release a lot of feelings. Sometimes even heaved a heavy sigh of relief I had moved past a feeling. The feeling does pass.
OK, so if you're out somewhere, say at work, and something really ticks you off you can't go screaming (can you? I can't) BUT I have taken out paper and WRITTEN what I was angry about. Then I shredded the paper. If that wasn't enough, I'd chill and face it when I got in the car or at home. But I expressed it. OUT LOUD or on paper.
I don't think I'd do this in front of anyone; most of it was done while I was alone. I loved releasing all that pent-up stuff--whether related to an old issue, or current injustice or whatever. It's amazing to have the feeling of release when you "got it out." For me it was therapeutic.
It is natural to feel fear of our emotions. What's in there? Where will this lead? Natural feelings. There are times when a memory is triggered and I remember something I want to write about, say, a letter to an old boyfriend (which I would not mail), I feel this "need" to do the letter, and yet I keep doing other things instead of sitting down to do it. Read, turn on the TV, clean. Distract myself actually! Then I say ENOUGH! IT IS TIME TO DO THIS and get it done. Always glad I did.
-L |
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AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2008 : 12:43:38
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Thanks, L. I was hoping that you'd chime in with all your experience
with journaling.
I think what I'm realizing is that this same thing I'm doing now
(not wanting to deal with the emotions because they keep me from
being able to get stuff done) is the same thing I've done all my
life. I've always opted for productivity over emotional outbursts.
And that's what I'm still doing.
So if journaling makes me angry, then it probably would do me some
good to be with that and let myself feel angry instead of avoiding
the journaling altogether.
I had a little fit earlier today after I wrote that post. I was
typing some of my frustrations out and then I just started sobbing
and I banged my hands on the arms of the chair I was sitting in.
It didn't hurt me, but I was angry and having a little temper
tantrum.
That story in the book about the mom who threw cold water in the
kid's face when he was crying really had an impact on me. I never
had temper tantrums when I was little. Didn't have water thrown
in my face either, but I learned pretty quickly not to let anything
out besides good behavior.
So I see why I'm so reluctant to let any of it out now. If my
back were feeling better I'd go to the gym and use a punching bag.
Kickboxing or something.
Thanks for your support, L. I'm going to stick with the journaling
and just let myself feel what I feel. I have to trust that it will
be better in the long run than dealing with this pain in my back
that cripples me.
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mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2008 : 14:09:56
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Amy, how did you FEEL after your temper tantrum? A little better?
You remined me of my own growing up--having to be the "good little girl". $%^&*( Believe me that was a long topic in journaling!
I hear you about putting off journaling and the productivity issue because when I was growing up we NEVER had idle time--time off. I remember sitting on the couch doing nothing (taking a rest?) and my mother asking me what I could be doing. THAT HAS INFURIATED ME! How dare you (not her personally--it's how we were brainwashed--though I did write her a feelings letter about this--after she died in 1999) never let us rest! Sit and do nothing! Why I mention this is I occasionally still hear in my head "Lori, what else could you be doing?" when I sit down to write or read. Long time to get rid of that! I choose to take care of my health and happiness and writing to get things "off me" is one of my important activities. I give myself permission to sit down and write! YES!!! I also give myself permission to get as angry as I need to about stuff and yell, write, and even, [shriek] occasional cursewords!
Damn, that felt good. Empowering.
Best wishes Amy!!-L |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 03/28/2008 : 14:44:38
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Set yourself up with something soft to hit (maybe even something you don't mind destroying -- if need be, buy a few cheap pillows at KMart or something) and go at it. You can't hurt yourself hitting a pillow and it won't matter if you hurt the pillow(s).
It also is possible, sometimes, to just let the anger energy come out without doing anything. You might feel like you want to hit things but you don't necessarily have to. The energy will flow through you for a while and then pass.
I advise trying the first thing first and the second thing second, as it takes some practice to be comfortable with the energy bouncing around inside you, and it's good to take the action too. It shows you that you have other options than repression or taking the anger out on someone. You can also run, dance, yell, stomp, etc. In quieter times you can draw or write (journaling). You can even write very large, maybe push the paper hard, if that's what you feel like.
There are many more options to vent anger than we are usually taught as kids. (If we are taught ANY at all.) I know what you mean about substituting getting things done for feeling and not letting anything out but nice things. These are prime creators of TMS and are very unjust to the full-blown emotional little creatures that kids are.
It's okay to do things gradually if you want, switching between expressing and repressing emotions. I still repress stuff because it's not always practical to let it out right there, and because I do it by accident -- it is such a habit that I often don't even know I have repressed something until it is triggered later.
But if your options are an emotional or physical basket case, go with emotional as much as you can stand. Eventually you can work through it and it will ease off, because you're addressing the true source of the problem.
--
It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2008 : 10:26:19
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quote:
Originally posted by mizlorinj
Amy, how did you FEEL after your temper tantrum? A little better?
You remined me of my own growing up--having to be the "good little girl". $%^&*( Believe me that was a long topic in journaling!
I hear you about putting off journaling and the productivity issue because when I was growing up we NEVER had idle time--time off. I remember sitting on the couch doing nothing (taking a rest?) and my mother asking me what I could be doing. THAT HAS INFURIATED ME! How dare you (not her personally--it's how we were brainwashed--though I did write her a feelings letter about this--after she died in 1999) never let us rest! Sit and do nothing! Why I mention this is I occasionally still hear in my head "Lori, what else could you be doing?" when I sit down to write or read. Long time to get rid of that! I choose to take care of my health and happiness and writing to get things "off me" is one of my important activities. I give myself permission to sit down and write! YES!!! I also give myself permission to get as angry as I need to about stuff and yell, write, and even, [shriek] occasional cursewords!
Damn, that felt good. Empowering.
Best wishes Amy!!-L
Hi Lori - After that little fit I had in the chair yesterday I did
feel better emotionally. Like it had moved through me and was gone.
It didn't do anything to impact the back pain. I felt lighter in
terms of emotions though.
That's encouraging that you've found the ability to give yourself
permission to do the lounging and writing and journaling that you
weren't given permission to do when you were younger.
I started an essay this morning on "being a good little girl".
Reading what you wrote reminded me that in The Divided Mind, I think,
he talks about essay writing on the points that could be upsetting
us - and the longer the better.
So we'll see where that goes today. I'm still in shock that I'm in
so much pain after having close to 8 months of no pain after first
reading Healing Back Pain. It's discouraging and I'm trying to
remind myself that the discouragement is part of the disorder - the
mind trying to keep me focused on the physical. And the doubt that
I can't outsmart my mind or overcome this. Grrr...
Time to get back to my writing after I finish looking at posts
here and responding. Thanks again, Lori.
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2008 : 10:43:59
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Go out and buy Stan Lee's book Facing the Fire. I can't emphasize enough how valuable this was in helping me get free of TMS. Sarno got me about 80% better but I couldn't have traveled the rest of my journey without Lee's book. He writes very eloquently about anger and also details exercises that will help you channel this rage that you feel. It's not enough to journal or to feel it, you've got to get it out of your body.
Best wishes! |
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AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2008 : 11:06:57
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quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
Set yourself up with something soft to hit (maybe even something you don't mind destroying -- if need be, buy a few cheap pillows at KMart or something) and go at it. You can't hurt yourself hitting a pillow and it won't matter if you hurt the pillow(s).
It also is possible, sometimes, to just let the anger energy come out without doing anything. You might feel like you want to hit things but you don't necessarily have to. The energy will flow through you for a while and then pass.
I advise trying the first thing first and the second thing second, as it takes some practice to be comfortable with the energy bouncing around inside you, and it's good to take the action too. It shows you that you have other options than repression or taking the anger out on someone. You can also run, dance, yell, stomp, etc. In quieter times you can draw or write (journaling). You can even write very large, maybe push the paper hard, if that's what you feel like.
There are many more options to vent anger than we are usually taught as kids. (If we are taught ANY at all.) I know what you mean about substituting getting things done for feeling and not letting anything out but nice things. These are prime creators of TMS and are very unjust to the full-blown emotional little creatures that kids are.
It's okay to do things gradually if you want, switching between expressing and repressing emotions. I still repress stuff because it's not always practical to let it out right there, and because I do it by accident -- it is such a habit that I often don't even know I have repressed something until it is triggered later.
But if your options are an emotional or physical basket case, go with emotional as much as you can stand. Eventually you can work through it and it will ease off, because you're addressing the true source of the problem.
--
It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment.
Thanks, Armchair, for those ideas. It's true, I don't remember
being taught any options for dealing with my anger. I just knew
not to do it. And that if I did, other people got upset with me.
I have had some opportunities to try to hit the bed when I'm
crying and upset, but so far I've been too embarrassed to
actually hit it and have a physical temper tantrum. That seems
to be a hurdle I need to get over if I'm going to try that
approach. Even though I'm feeling like hitting something, I'm
too ashamed to actually do it.
I was reading another post today here on the forum and started
thinking that I might be getting obsessive about my TMS stuff
and trying to do it right and focus on the right things and do
my reading and I'm feeling bad if I'm doing something other than
reading the book and doing my journaling and reminders. I'm
beating myself up for watching a show on TV or wanting to do
something else other than focus on my healing because my back
is actively in pain now and I'm being more and more disabled
by it.
So if I want to get better, I have to focus on the diagnosis
and accepting it. But I'm getting obsessed with it and thinking
that I'm doing it wrong (because I'm not seeing improvements)
and that just upsets me more and sends me into avoidance where
I don't want to do any of the reading or thinking about TMS.
I just want to run to a deep muscle massage guy and have him
work on my back and make the leg pain stop.
But I'm not going to do that because I'm afraid of reinforcing
the idea that it's physical. I feel totally wrapped up in mental
loops about this. Maybe it's all part of the mind's attempt to
keep me away from the issues.
The first time I read HBP it was so clear to me. I was cured over-
night. Now I'm so confused I don't even know which way is up.
Everything is spiraling in my mind and I feel really confused.
I wanted to say thank you though, for taking the time to post
you ideas to me. I am grateful to receive them. |
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AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2008 : 11:08:14
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quote:
Originally posted by Logan
Go out and buy Stan Lee's book Facing the Fire. I can't emphasize enough how valuable this was in helping me get free of TMS. Sarno got me about 80% better but I couldn't have traveled the rest of my journey without Lee's book. He writes very eloquently about anger and also details exercises that will help you channel this rage that you feel. It's not enough to journal or to feel it, you've got to get it out of your body.
Best wishes!
Thanks Logan. I went to Amazon and all I found were books by the comic book guy Stan Lee. Do you know where to get the book that you're talking about? Please send a link if you do so that I can look into it. Thank you. |
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Littlebird
USA
391 Posts |
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AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2008 : 13:38:50
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Thank you Little Bird. I'm glad to be able to look into it
now. I think I'm going to take a trip to Borders today to
look at this book and a few others.
Note to everyone in this thread:
I've calmed down a bit since writing some of my other posts
this morning and have been listening to the audio book
version of The Divided Mind on my iPod and laying in bed.
I'm feeling more receptive to the diagnosis and materials
now. I was really defensive and feeling closed off to all
of this earlier. I was also stuck in a loop of feeling
confused and overwhelmed with this whole process and now
I'm seeing it as more simple. Just lay in bed and rest and
listen to the book. Doesn't get more simple than that for
right now.
I really appreciate that you guys are here - to listen/read
my thoughts, answer my questions, offer perspectives, and
share your experiences too. It helps me feel less alone in
all of this. Thank you. I hope I can be of support to you
when you're in need of it also. |
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mala
Hong Kong
774 Posts |
Posted - 03/29/2008 : 18:53:05
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quote:
I was also stuck in a loop of feeling
confused and overwhelmed with this whole process and now
I'm seeing it as more simple. Just lay in bed and rest and
listen to the book. Doesn't get more simple than that for
right now.
Hi Amy, I think there is a lot to be said about the simplicity of it all.
Have you noticed that many many people who read Sarno for the first time become pain free by the time they have finished the book? I think it has to do with the fact that the conscious mind is so relieved, so able to accept what Sarno has written at first instance without questioning that this happens. It is able to do so coz it has suddenly become enpowered with this new knowledge about TMS.
Then the unconscious mind starts playing its little tricks and doubt creeps in. If there is reinjury this doubt is reinforced. Remember the unconscious mind will seize at any opportunity to keep you distracted. Keep reading/listening to the books, watch the videos. Empower yourself.
Maybe keeping it simple is the key for you.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
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rob
3 Posts |
Posted - 03/30/2008 : 05:28:30
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That book is by John Lee. Stan Lee is the guy who invented Marvel Comics.
quote:
Originally posted by Logan
Go out and buy Stan Lee's book Facing the Fire. I can't emphasize enough how valuable this was in helping me get free of TMS. Sarno got me about 80% better but I couldn't have traveled the rest of my journey without Lee's book. He writes very eloquently about anger and also details exercises that will help you channel this rage that you feel. It's not enough to journal or to feel it, you've got to get it out of your body.
Best wishes!
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AmyAJJ
98 Posts |
Posted - 03/30/2008 : 11:08:27
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Mala - Thank you. Keeping it simple does seem to be what I need right
now. Otherwise my mind gets tangled and it's a lost cause.
I had that experience you wrote about where it was the first time I
read Sarno's book and then I was free of pain the following day.
It has been about 8 months since then and I have been very discouraged
about the recurrence of the pain over the last couple of weeks. Like
you said, the doubt is creeping in.
I don't actually think that I injured my back, but I keep wanting to
use my will power or something to make the pain go away. Then I get
bummed out that my control over my mind isn't strong enough to make
the pain go away. So I get more discouraged.
That's the type of spiraling I need to avoid though, so I'm going to
end here and get back to my reading/listening. I'll keep it simple
and try to keep my mind open. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 03/30/2008 : 12:53:41
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Hi Amy,
You're right that you could be getting too focused on it. I believe Sarno & Schechter both recommend that you spend about 30-60 minutes per day on TMS. Otherwise, try to live your life and have some fun if you can. :)
--
It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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drziggles
USA
292 Posts |
Posted - 03/31/2008 : 10:35:58
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| I have two words for you: heavy metal. This has been my primary form of anger release for about 20 years! I strongly recommend the new Meshuggah album--very effective... |
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mk6283
USA
272 Posts |
Posted - 04/01/2008 : 13:57:42
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Anger + Heavy Metal = TINNITUS
Best,
MK |
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2008 : 18:48:17
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Sorry about the confusion there! I'm sure reading comics might make you laugh a bit and feel better that way. : )
But "Facing the Fire" by John Lee, well, that will help you get over the feeling of being ridiculous when hitting the bed or whatever inanimate object you choose. I still feel "nutty" when I whale on my couch but it HELPS. I can feel it immediately afterward, the hot rush of blood flowing through my body, especially those TMS prone areas like my shoulders. I can breathe better too.
It's worth it to feel a bit weird for a moment until you get into getting your anger out. Lee really does help you get to the point where you can overcome your inhibitions by telling you his journey w/ anger. I loved this book. |
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Getting Angrier & I have questions.
