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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
 Posted - 12/04/2004 : 09:35:24
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Hi guys.
I was just doing my weekend check,and I thought I'd bring up something that was really pivotal in my 110% recovery.....OCD.
Whenever I was in fear or in doubt during my recovery,I would always relate well to the comparison to OCD that sarno makes at the end of one of the chapters of HBP.
That was a VERY important distinction he made.I was well aware of my OCD and all it's accompaniying Checking and re-checking,like a skipping record.....and that's EXACTLY what my plight was!
I was checking and re-checking "what if he's not right?" "what if I am NOT one of these (TMS) patients?" "What if I believe this but and than hurt myself some more?".....constantly making a mental "checklist" of symptoms,before and for a little while after my 110% recovery.
I say 110% because besides having ZERO symtoms(nada,zilch,never) I actually became more agggressive and cocky in athletic and physical activities....I paint for a living,and If a volunteer was needed at work for some kind of tough spot e.g. shimmying up a pole,hanging on with one arm and a paint brush in my teeth,I'd DO IT!
Ya' see...the more you CHALLENGE your old conditioning and beliefs,the more ridiculous they become.
That was a combination of TMS recovery philosophy,and OCD recovery Philosophy.....the distraction in the mindbody is to keep one from experiencing their emotions.To break the conditioning,you don't think it out...you challenge it to a fight in the parking lot after school.Problem is...the conditioning always chickens out and the truth prevails.
Also,I spent lots of trips to the cemetery to visit my Fathers grave.He passed away when I was 5,and I'm not sure I'll ever fully lose that grief,but the trips/discussions with his headstone were quite cathartic....I'd always cry and cry...and calm down and talk with him.
Crying is really important in the relief of pent up rage and anguish.Stuff builds up behind our veneer of "adulthood" and we never have a chance to be/act like children,when deep down inside every one of us,that's all we really are.
There isn't a lot of safe places for me to cry,but that was always one of them.
As the TMS went away,so did the OCD......after a good cry you're really quiet inside and everything assumes it's normal and correct proportion in the universe...I highly recommend it!!
I found out that all the image I had created about my own independence,toughness and determination is something I created to avoid pain....emotional and Physical.
anyways....read a lot of posts from people almost there,halfway there and constantly checking their experiences against others...
I've always wondered why God bothered to make a sorry son of a bitch like myself,and maybe it was to help others with TMS.If anybody needs someone to talk to,or correspond with in their recovery,I'd be more than willing to talk with them about it 24/7.
I got my own life back,and it's the least I could do.
Have a great weekend
Baseball65 aka Marc
Baseball65 |
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polly
127 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2004 : 09:51:47
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Marc,
Thank you so much. This is the best post I've ever seen.
I'm in a pretty bad place with pain right now and had to go back and start from the beginning. It's working. I'm getting stronger every day. One of the things that started this part of the journey was breaking down and crying my eyes out. I was afraid to do it before because I was holding on so tightly that I thought that if I started crying I would never stop. I did stop. Not right away, but soon enough and before I used all the tissues.
I will have questions for you and would like to pick your wonderful brain. Right now I just want to thank you for this post.
Oh, one question. Who's your favorite baseball team?
Polly |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2004 : 10:41:58
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Hi Polly.
My team is the Angels...and right there (until 2002) was enough pent up rage for SEVERAL surgeries(LOL!)
I also cried when they won in 02'....after all those frustrations....
I've moved to Nashville,TN. and they don't really do Baseball here.I'll have to shell out the $29.95 to get the Angels broadcast over the net through MLB.com.
I went back and started from the beginning a bunch of times in my early recovery phase.I would try and switch Hi-liter pen colors,and finally ran out(they only make about 5 or 6 colors)
I would turn all the statements into questions,and answer them in the margins.Re-reading set my brain on fire and my original copy of HBP looks like a childs coloring book,all dog-eared,yellowed and colorful.
Every time ,the symptoms would recede before I was done,and every time I had to face the same doubts and fears....not quite as strong as some of our friends,but real just the same.Also,seeing how clearly I had "thought" in the past in the margin notes ,reminded me that I was in a growing process,as I could see the things that used to haunt me turned humorous by the softener of time.
God Bless and keep digging...and crying.
Baseball65 aka Marc
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Carol
91 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2004 : 11:14:21
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Baseball 65, I just want to say Hi and thanks so much for your no-nonsense style of expressing yourself. I am finding myself looking for your posts, along with a few others, because they always have something in them which helps me. I am having a pain crisis, and your posts really do speak to me!
Carol |
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Michele
249 Posts |
Posted - 12/06/2004 : 10:21:34
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Thanks Marc, I needed that.
I haven't had a good cry for a while. I've been silently spilling tears for over a year, and when someone catches me (husband, kids) they get very worried and wonder how they can "fix" it. I know the rage is burning up inside me and I believe there is fear that it will come out.
As I was listening to Sarno this morning (HBP on CD) I caught something he said about not making TMS "go away" but acknowledging the unconscious. I'm a little confused about how to do that if it is unconscious and I'm not supposed to know it's there? So we really don't need to "do" anything, but simply BELIEVE it is repressed emotions, mainly rage.
Is that your belief? |
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moose1
162 Posts |
Posted - 12/06/2004 : 11:14:44
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Hey Baseball, what kind of TMS did you have? Was it low back pain like mine? My biggest problem is waking up in the morning with it. If you have insight into how to tackle that specific issue, I'd be most appreciative.
By the way, I'm a Red Sox fan. Sorry we had to sweep your team in the playoffs this year. 
Thanks for all your input.
Moose. |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 12/06/2004 : 13:20:57
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Hi Moose.
No worries...even Darin Erstad said(after the sweep).."Man...NOBODY's gonna' stop those guys...they'll win the world series for sure"...HEY we did better than the Cardinals AND the yankees..we only lost 3 in a row!!
As far as TMS manifestations,I've had virtually every one listed.
The one that brought me literally and figuratively "to my knees" was low back/sciatica....though I treated a mystery neck/shoulder deal for about 2 or 3 years prior to that(it went away when the back started).
I also had: frequent urination
mystery skin issues(my left calf itched til it bled with no discernable "condition")\
Gastro-intestinal(acid reflux)
OCD (my whole life)
panic attacks (still ocassionally get one...they're less scary,cuz I know what's going on,but it usually means it's time for more "head work")
Funny..I've struggled with drug addiction in the past,and when ever I was "strung" really bad...I never had a single TMS symptom...I guess there was enough drama going on to keep me distracted...in fact drug addiction is exactly like TMS...you wake up every morning thinking about it(how to keep your supply coming) and you go to bed worried about it(Man..when's this ever going to end)...that's plenty to occupy the subconscious.
Just a thought....you say you wake up with it..what do you dream about? I'm one of those barely inhibited sort of people,and will "open up" pretty easy....Maybe you're bodies choosing that time to distract you instead of having nightmares????
I get pretty dark and deadly in my journaling.....if someones pissing me off...co-worker,boss,neighbor with a barking dog....I fantasize about killing them.. ..literally...how good there skull will feel being crushed under my 33" C243 Louisville slugger.
Thinking and fantasizing are free,as long as we don't act on them.....Gestalt therapy is quite good as well.....I go somewhere I know I can't be heard,like driving alone in my car,and I pretend the person I have a beef with is there and I let them know how I REALLY feel..
I'll spare the forum the swearing and such,but it's a long stream of profanity that would put any gangsta' rapper to shame....I take pride in my lengthy tourette style/gestalt sessions....I feel clean as a newborn baby when I'm through.
but...that's just me...try it,and if it doesn't work...try something else...you will ultimatley win.....it's just the logical progression of the battle...you are the good guy and TMS is the bad guy.....the good guy ALWAYS wins!!
Baseball65 |
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A good old fashioned cry....and OCD
