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positivevibes
204 Posts |
 Posted - 02/19/2008 : 02:17:23
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I am having a hard time dealing with all the emotions that are coming out from the TMS program.
I know that I have a lot of anger and resentment about lot of things in my life, both past and present. Usually I think about them "at times" and then bury them again, because I have "places to go and things to do" as they say.
But since starting the Sarno program, I have been letting myself feel all these things, mainly for fear of them turning inward again and making my back hurt again.
I have also been seeing a really nice psychotherapist and am talking about things I've never talked about with other people (even my husband). That has been really scary for me.
The result is: I'm starting to feel depressed. I've dealt with minor depression for years. I first got clinically depressed (a little more than mild, but not actually "major") post-partum, after my second child was born in 1996. I have been on and off a few SSRIs over the years. I haven't taken an SSRI in about 2 years. The main reasons I stop taking an SSRI are: it makes me gain weight, or it makes me feel too anxious, or both.
I will add that I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (hypothyroid) and my recent blood test revealed that my TSH was too high (for the first time in many years), so my Endocrinologist upped my dose of Synthroid. I am hoping that once my TSH level stabilizes again, it will help my mood. I'm due for another blood test next week, and am really curious to see what the TSH number will be. I've been feeling really anxious lately, so I fear it may have moved too far, and is now into the "hyper" range.
My therapist thinks I may have a condition called "dysthymia", which is a chronic mild depression. Truthfully, thinking about all these emotional issues isn't helping me very much right now. It's actually really really scary for me. Sometimes I just feel sorta "unteathered" because my usual coping mechanisms are being screwed with in an attempt to delve into my psyche. Emotionally, I feel extremely uncomfortable and truthfully it scares the sh*t out of me.
I'm sure others of you out there have experienced some of this. How did you deal with it? I really don't want to go back on any SSRIs for a number of reasons. Of course, I say that with a grain of salt....if my depression got worse, of course I would take them (for the benefit of my family if nothing else).
How do you deal with the emotional pandora's box that has been opened? My internal knee-jerk reaction is to close it again and just think about happier things instead, but I'm resisting it. Unfortuantely, this results in me thinking too many negative thoughts for too much of the the time.
Cognitive Behavior Therapy has been very successful for me in the past (i.e., changing my thought pattern). But does that mean that I'd once again be repressing my feelings?
I also want to add....my back has been feeling really good this month, in spite of all of this emotional turmoil. I played tennis and rode my bicycle for the first time in a year. I also rode my exercise bike at home and did the nordic trak I have at home for the first time in many months. I'm back at the gym regularly. Sometimes I feel a few muscular aches in my back but they go away quickly. I should be celebrating, but instead I feel depressed and lately have little patience and a a very low tolerance for daily annoyances!! I keep thinking "I just want to feel happy! What do I have to do to just feel happy?!" |
Edited by - positivevibes on 02/19/2008 02:33:58 |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2008 : 13:31:09
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quote:
my back has been feeling really good this month, in spite of all of this emotional turmoil. I played tennis and rode my bicycle for the first time in a year. I also rode my exercise bike at home and did the nordic trak I have at home for the first time in many months. I'm back at the gym regularly. Sometimes I feel a few muscular aches in my back but they go away quickly. I should be celebrating, but instead I feel depressed and lately have little patience and a a very low tolerance for daily annoyances!! I keep thinking "I just want to feel happy! What do I have to do to just feel happy?!"
I had a very similar problem. The pain went away, and depression came back. I also got diagnosed with dysthymia/dysthymic disorder. It's a clear sign of TMS-related emotions when the pain goes and the affective symptoms come. I don't think dysthymia means anything permanent is wrong; it seems to be a current-condition diagnosis. You are and have been depressed, but you won't be forever.
Unfortunately I think the only way out is through. Most of us TMSers have been repressing emotions for our whole lives. A lot of us end up needing to dig some of them up and process our way through them. It takes time, but as you start to understand the feelings more and feel more comfortable having them, you will feel better. I got through mine without any SSRIs, though they were suggested at one point. I didn't want to mask the symptoms. An important thing to remember is that depression is a TMS equivalent, and that it is also an absence of moving feelings. Depression is stagnant and gunky. As you are able to experience feelings with emotional energy coming, being experienced, and gradually going, the pool of unprocessed junk gets smaller and cleaner and you feel better. CBT won't really help you do this because it doesn't address the underlying junk, so I'd say you're better off sticking with what you're doing.
Don't feel like you're obliged to be happy just because the pain is diminishing/gone -- but do try to take joy from your renewed physical capability. Keep things going with your therapist, and maybe discuss your discomfort with him/her. They'll understand about being uncomfortable with the new emotions. I still feel that way sometimes, that the emotions are weird and excessive and uncomfortable. But they're part of being a fully alive person, and eventually you'll get the benefits of feeling alive and happy and not just being tired and wanting everything to go away.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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Banjoman
USA
6 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2008 : 18:33:38
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vibes
I have had several TMS type symptoms for years and have consulted many medical practioners from MD's to alternative medicine and have experienced some adverse reactions to the revelations associated with Dr Sarno's approach to probing my unconcious mind for the root causes, but the reductions in symptoms is far outweighing the adverse reactions. One thing I noted in your post that caught my eye, was the reference to Synthoid. I have used it some in the past. My current MD, who is an internist and very interested in preventative medicine, including supplements and hormone replacements, is very adversed to Synthroid due to its side effects and prescribes only natural thyroid hormone replacement. Just a small point of something you might want to look into. Keep up the good work.
Ben |
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positivevibes
204 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2008 : 18:42:46
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It's nice to hear encouragement from someone who really understands and has been through all this. Thank you! I have always been a very sensitive and emotional person, but I know that Sarno makes it clear that emotions on the surface are different from emotions in the unconscious.
Perhaps a good middle ground is to acknowledge these feelings, whatever they are, but not dwell on them too much. It's easy to feel like you're drowning in feelings, especially saddness. I find that thinking about things too much just makes me more confused.
But it's good to know that it's common that depression might return once the physical pain has subsided....I guess they're flip sides of the same problem.
What does a TMS therapist do that is different from a regular therapist? Is there a different methodology?
I do take joy in the fact that I can do all these physical things again without pain. But for some reason, it seems like a hollow victory -- for whatever reason, it isn't enough -- and that really confuses me. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 02/19/2008 : 21:18:51
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I find that thinking about things too much just makes me more confused.
Yep, I think this is true. Thinking about feelings ends up just making them seem complicated. Feeling the feelings is the core part. It doesn't matter if they don't make sense, or even if you're not sure of their source or don't entirely believe that the source is what it seems to be. Feel them, let the energy pass naturally, and continue on with your life.
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What does a TMS therapist do that is different from a regular therapist? Is there a different methodology?
I don't know. My therapist is just regular. I think people think it helps to have a therapist that is open to or familiar with TMS so that they can help with your worries about the physical symptoms. Some psychotherapists don't connect emotional pain and physical pain, or connect them in a very different way from Sarno, and those people could undermine a TMS recovery even while helping emotionally. I didn't have this issue because I was physically recovered when I started therapy.
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I do take joy in the fact that I can do all these physical things again without pain. But for some reason, it seems like a hollow victory -- for whatever reason, it isn't enough -- and that really confuses me.
It may not be enough. Your goal is to be happy, and it sounds like you have some stuff to get through before that can happen. The physical recovery may only be the first step, so it could seem shallow in that sense.
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It's not 100% belief that's required, but 100% commitment. |
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Opening a pandora's box of emotions
