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mamaboulet
181 Posts |
 Posted - 09/13/2007 : 09:17:03
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I had an "incident" this morning when I was journaling about my father. I was making a list of various things, like his rigid, authoritarian need for total control, along with verbal cruelty and constant criticism. I kinda went nuts and started madly circling words like total control and then viciously scratching out all "dad" and then writing toxic toxic toxic all over the page,and then crumpling up the paper, and THEN setting it on fire and stomping it out, and THEN spraying it with bug spray before finally throwing it in the garbage in the garage.
umm...
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mamaboulet
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/13/2007 : 09:18:45
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| still getting myself calmed down from that big adrenaline spurt. |
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mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 09/13/2007 : 11:46:41
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Happy to hear you got out some feelings!! I know it helped me to really get into some of the things I was writing. Some just came to me as I was writing; I had no idea what would be coming out when I started. Explore the anger, fear, sadness you are feeling. . . BUT did he do the best he could at the time?
I have come to accept that my parents did the best they could for where they were at the time. Does not condone certain things, but I forgive them for their behavior and extreme rigidness. I felt relief! I have mentioned Candace Pert here several times, and reading her latest book was great--a lot about forgiveness and how important it is to our healing! That does not mean we forget as often times that is a protection.
How do you feel?
-L |
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mamaboulet
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/13/2007 : 11:56:22
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| I feel better. The forgiveness part concerning my father has been hanging me up for a few years and might take a while. I've figured out it's pretty hard to forgive until you've dealt with the anger. |
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mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 09/13/2007 : 12:03:18
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Happy to hear you feel better.
Yes, it takes as long as it takes. Processing feelings isn't quick!
Best wishes, Mama. 
-Lori |
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carbar
USA
227 Posts |
Posted - 09/14/2007 : 06:27:42
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whoa, mamab, that sounds like an incredible release! Thanks for sharing. I'd like to really dig into my emotions more while journaling. I'm looking to get back to a routine of writing.
How were you feeling after? Cleansed? Relief? |
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mamaboulet
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/14/2007 : 06:46:14
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quote:
Originally posted by carbar
whoa, mamab, that sounds like an incredible release! Thanks for sharing. I'd like to really dig into my emotions more while journaling. I'm looking to get back to a routine of writing.
How were you feeling after? Cleansed? Relief?
I definitely felt like I released some pressure. I have a tremendous amount of conscious anger at my father, but when I start looking more closely at my childhood memories of him (not to mention the stuff he did after I grew up), the anger just goes ballistic.
But there is something else going on too, because of my long term avoidance of him (15 years without speaking, my call, then reconnection, my call, then cut him off again, my call),I do start feeling guilty and sad about just giving up on him, but I'd rather have NO relationship at all with him and be able to forgive him, than to continue to try to get along with him, which just gets in the way of forgiveness. It would be nice to be able to forgive him before he dies, which could be any time (81, with major health problems). |
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mamaboulet
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/14/2007 : 07:02:31
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I also get just plain annoyed that he is still influencing my life in a negative way, just by being the boogeyman in my subconscious.
Which reminds me. Let me tell you about the nightmare I had for 30 years, for which I was given two interpretations.
The dream has variations, but the theme and progression remain the same. There is a "monster," which comes in the form of either a giant bear or a T-rex. In the early years it was mostly a bear (I read a scary bear book at about the time the nightmares started, gee, around age 12 when all my other stuff started), but was more often a T-rex later in my life.
The location varied, including a suburban house, an isolated farmhouse, an empty school building, a strange town with multiple streets and buildings...
The "helpless" characters varied slightly too, being either small puppies and kittens or an assortment of helpless people, like small children, my mom, etc.
It went like this: I would find myself at the particular location and would become aware of some "danger" at about the same time that I became aware of my "charges." (the helpless)
The dream would often occur at dusk, increasing the sense of impending scariness.
While I was trying to figure out what the danger was, I would be going around locking doors and windows and herding my helpless ones together for protection.
At some point I would become aware of the approaching scary and I would get a look at it, thus upping my adrenaline bigtime. Now the chase was on. The bear or t-rex would begin stalking us, and had the ability to get into buildings and could cover ground quickly due to its large size.
I would be constantly herding my helpless, trying to stay ahead of the monster, but being repeatedly flanked or cut off and having to reverse and run for it. Lots of hiding, skulking, running, with much panic. The panic was mine. The helpless were oblivious (clueless damn puppies). The dream would go on for what seemed like forever, with me making no headway in getting away. Eventually I would just wake up in a total panic, breathing heavy, often crying, sometimes out of bed at a dead run before I woke.
So...the two interpretations I was given. One, I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Two, the monster is a threatening male entity that I feel the need to run from when I really need to turn around and face it.
Opinions?
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mamaboulet
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/14/2007 : 08:53:20
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Now let me add something. The nightmares finally stopped after somebody told me the over-responsibility idea. For a long time I thought that was because the idea was true (which it is, but not necessarily anything to do with the main thrust of the dream). But more recently I'd begun to think that it was because that explanation suited my personality. My brain LIKED that explanation because it meant I no longer had to face what the dream was REALLY about. So, fairly recently I told my mom about the dream again (I had never told her in detail) and about the responsibility thing. Mom, having read Jung extensively for many years, was dubious of the responsibility idea and was the one who brought up the threatening male entity (my inner child feelings about my father?). That resonated. It didn't feel GOOD, it just felt like the right direction.
Add to that the consistent dusk timeframe of the dream and I'm inclined to think that it was about the "monster" in my subconscious. |
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la_kevin
USA
351 Posts |
Posted - 09/15/2007 : 20:03:38
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Mamaboulet. Since your father sounds very much like mine I'll just add my two cents.
You don't NEED to forgive him now. There is no pressure to forgive him and it doesn't make you a bad person if you don't. I agree that you have to deal with the obvious rage you have about him , bef0ore entertaining any thought of forgiveness. At least that is what I am finding in my own life.
You don't have to love him, you don't have to respect him, talk to him, be nice to him, forgive him, nothing. People will tell you that you should do all these things as if you have some responsibility as a daughter to ignore your base feelings and instincts. I disagree with that, these base feelings and rage are there for a reason. Those things have to be looked at and acknowledged before "moving on".
Move on when you're ready to. And BTW, having a father like that can be traumatic in itself. My father was like that(and more) so I can relate. You don't have some "goodist" duty to forgive him. This is your life, not his.
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mamaboulet
181 Posts |
Posted - 09/17/2007 : 09:17:39
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Thank you. I'm working on identifying and eliminating sources of self-pressure. And a common response from people if I vent about my father is that I should "get over it" and just forgive him. Well I'm not over it and won't be anytime soon.
Traumatic is a good word for the lifetime effect of that kind of father. I ENJOYED the 15 years I didn't talk to him. Not planning to talk to him again. I AM going to take on the monster he left roaming in my subconscious.
"blood is thicker than water" is a cultural construct, not a biological imperative. |
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about that journaling...
