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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
 Posted - 05/28/2007 : 09:39:48
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I woke up this morning in agony in my lower right back..I am trying to push through the pain and talk to my brain about how it is TMS..I had this happen a week or so ago for 24-48 hours..(I must admit, I did ice, advil and stretching and it went away..)
Last night we ate at a restaurant that had soft cushy booths..I was reluctant knowing that when I am overweight my pelvis is not positioned normally and i am at risk..Then I said to myself..but Dr. S. says we can sit in any chair we want to and lift things, etc..without hurting our backs..
It didn't hurt at the time but this AM I awoke w/ the level 10 stabbing intermittent pain in my lower right back..It feels like my pelvis is out or pushing on a nerve..soooo frustrating!
The past 2 days I had heated discussions w/ my roomie/surrogate brother about how 3 years ago I could have moved back home to NJ/NY permanently..but he begged me not to..He is very dependent on me emotionally and asked me to go for a few months instead of moving all the way..At the time, I wanted to move and could afford to..Now, 3 yrs later I REALLY REALLY want to get the heck out of this damn desert and go home to the Atlantic Ocean! The trouble is..I cannot afford it now..So, although it was ultimately my decision to stay here I have resentments and probably RAGE toward him for thinking of HIMSELF instead of how much happier i would be on the East coast!
I know it is my own choice and i am a big girl (or try to be..lol)..BUT..I am PISSED that he was crying like a baby about me moving and I felt so sorry for him that I stayed..Then I had several REAL injuries to my neck and knee in the past 3 years and TMS kicked in when they should have healed FULL FORCE..The TMS no doubt was repressing the RAGE toward my roomie/bro who I actually love dearly..But I am soooooo ANGRY and the entire time we just walked the dogs I was doing a MENTAL JOURNAL in my head..Asking my brain WHY this back crap again?? What is this REALLY about?? Rather then write it down I spent the whole 15 minute walk fighting the stabbing pain in my back and contemplating what was on my mind..Has anyone ever done their journaling this way??
I do have ALOT of rage toward him and toward MYSELF for allowing another person to have such an affect on me and influence my decision about something so important! Now who knows when the heck I will be able to move..And I am more trapped because I have 2 doggies i love dearly and that depend on me, especially since KC has been ill..
It is much harder to move clear across the country w/ 2 dogs and 40 some paintings then it would have been 3 years ago..
Today, Memorial day I am doing NOTHING! Not just because my back is freaking out but because my roomie goes to his families (and his sister is very dark/negative and spends the day gossiping about others..) so I don't enjoy going..Everyone else is either working (that's Vegas for you)..or going to CA. to see family..This is typical of my life here..LONELY to the core..I have a million friends but the huge MAJORITY are thousands of miles away and I cannot stand it any longer..
THanx for listening,
Karen |
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/28/2007 : 10:21:03
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That is a good question, Tom..I wouldn't ask him to do that because we are not a couple..he is not my husband and he has his family and job here..He also owns this house and likes Vegas..His fear in moving back there w/ me is that I would end up getting involved in a relationship there and move out on him anyway..
Thanx for the thought..it was a good one..Wish it could work..
Hugs,
K |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 05/28/2007 : 10:45:36
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Yes, mental journaling is "thinking psychological". Exactly the right thing to do. That event with your bro does sound very enraging -- probably something fruitful to explore. Often it is the people we love and have a hard time saying no to that we get angry with unconsciously.
Hope you're feeling better soon. You're exactly right, we can sit in whatever we want, it's your mind acting up, not your back. :-)
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/28/2007 : 12:11:30
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Thanx ACL,
I do feel guilty for telling my bro about this rage but I thought it would help lessen my pain and, so far, it seems like it did..I don't want to put a guilt trip on him, but it really was wrong of him to do that 3 years ago..it was very selfish on his part and he realizes that now..Unfortunately for me there is no miraculous answer to my dilemma..I have to either make it big in one of my careers or hit the lotto! By the time I make whatever cash i do selling my art, teaching voice PT and the other job I have..another 3 years could go by..It feels so never-ending..Based on my Christian spiritual beliefs and what I know works from the movie
'The Secret'..I also need to stop focusing on what I don't have and start focusing on what I want..(sometimes easier said then done..)
Appreciate the feedback..:)
~Karen |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/28/2007 : 14:57:16
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I realized this is probably not the best day to post because most people are probably out having BBQ's in the park, etc..I am just feeling so desperate right now..My roomie/bro is now feeling very guilty about asking (begging) me not to move when I was able, 3 years ago..And now I am feeling guilty for his feeling guilty! And the layers pile on!! On one level of course i realize that my choices are completely my responsibility and cannot blame others for them..
However...he knows how sensitive I am to others, even insects as I try my best to carry most of them out of the house rather then kill them..I hate to see suffering or cause suffering to any sentient being! I am the ultimate caretaker and have become a martyr of sorts w/ regard to this issue..
It is hot as hell outside (typical for Vegas) and I am spending Memorial day alone..and home..It sucks, in plain English! And..it is not ME..I am a social animal who loves group activities etc..I have gone to as many meetings, group activities, church events etc..as I can..But..Vegas is sooooo Transitory..everytime you make a friend, they move AWAY! THis has happened more times then I can count..The fact that i have been living here 13 years is a miracle in itself! All the accidents, injuries and of course TMS have kept me here far longer then I orginally planned..Now I have 2 dogs I love with all my heart and they are my responsibility as well..My roomie and I share the responsiblility of the dogs..My basset is more my dog and KC is both of ours..What a complicated mess..
For those who believe in prayer, please pray for this situation to somehow works out..For those who don't..any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated..My bday is coming on June 18th and so far, I have no idea what I am going to be doing..I was supposed to be in NY w/ my boyfriend..but as many know..I chose to break up w/ him when I discovered he has anger issues, among other things..I am sure some friends will take me to dinner, etc..maybe that should be enough..but being I am 'trapped' in Vegas..it doesn't feel like enough..What was supposed to happen was my friends back home in NJ were going to have a big party for me and we were going to the shore..I want to be proactive in fixing my life..but I feel so helpless right now..Without the funds, one is really stuck..
God bless,
Karen |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 05/29/2007 : 13:30:35
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| Well, we know that all things work out for the good, for those that love God. I believe when ya read Healing The Shame That Binds You, you will see why your roomate is the way he is, and will help ya uncover things about yourself. I think you have to make that connection, and uncover some of those repressed emotions. That should help your guilt, and also be aware of your roomie's guilt, so you could call him on it. I know Sarno says you don't have to change yourself, but there's something about learning truth that should give you more confidence in your diagnosis and standing up for yourself. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 05/29/2007 : 15:04:52
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Karen,
I'll just add that much of the time, it's not necessary to remove the source of your rage to recover from TMS...If you think of it, life itself is rage-ogenic...Every day our miserable,irrational ids are confronted with perhpas dozens of rage inducing frustrations, from traffic jams to crappy weather to demanding bosses and on and on...
That said, it seems to me that as an observer around here for the last couple of years, some of us have lives that make us so unhappy that there's no way to achieve any kind of sustained recovery without making certain extruciatingly painful, life altring decisions..Maybe you're in that boat Karen...
When you say you can't move back, is that really objectively true? Or is it that you could find a way to move if you could summon the courage, but that it owuld be extraordinarily difficult and painful in the short term..For example, and I'm just throwing this out there, if the problem is finances, would it be literally impossible for you to get some sort of job outside singing and painting that would enable you to save the money you need?
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 05/29/2007 : 16:20:21
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Hey Matt,
Sorry I haven't written..been going nuts taking care of KC and working this new PT job..One of these days I will drag my butt to the library and get that book! I am sorry i haven't read it yet, feeling guilty..lol..Hope you are doing good..
Yes, God does work all things together for good..I needed that reminder!
Hugs,
Karen
Hiya Art,
Makes sense what you are saying..I actually started a new PT job as a receptionist at a Pilates studio and I contacted my old boss at the music school that I teach voice at..There are minimal students because here in the Summer everyone runs for the hills and goes out of town! At the pay rate I am making as a receptionist (even when it's full-time) it will take me 5 years to save up the money..I make 5 times the amount teaching voice and 10 times the amount painting and singing..it's just not consistent..I am soooo far behind, financially, and have medical collection agents calling me all the time for what i owe..i cannot imagine getting the money together fast enough..My car has 2 oils leaks and needs a 1600 dollar repair for starters b4 i could even drive it across country..And I have 2 doggies I love and I am responsible for them..Much harder to move back home w/ 2 dogs..Something will give..
THat magazine I am going to be on the cover of and the major airline carrier will have it in their seatpockets will help expose my art alot..But that has been postponed til August or July..The owner of the magazine is very ill..long story..
Hugs,
Karen |
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mental journaling
