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Kavita
USA
47 Posts |
 Posted - 10/22/2004 : 08:14:19
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Hello all,
Have any of you ever felt angry ALL the time? Journaling sometimes helps, but are they any techniques that you use to help you calm down at times when it is not feasible to journal (i.e. in a meeting, in transit)? And how do you deal with things that are beyond your control?
I am also trying to work on communicating my anger so it doesn't manifest itself in unhealthy ways. My husband asked me the other day why I was "being mean", and it was because I was angry with him, but didn't explain why. When I don't express this anger, it builds. I have always been afraid of confrontation, and perhaps that is because as a child I saw my parents fight in unhealty ways. Thus, I fear that my husband will in turn be angry with me for being angry with him. And many times, it really isn't fair for me to be angry with him. Unfortunately, I cannot help the way I feel.
Sarno says that we have to accept that we may be angry for reasons that seem irrational, and I am OK with that. I think that much of my anger is warranted, but is perpetuated due to failure to communicate (for example, habitual tardiness of the person with whom you carpool). Can someone offer any advice that can help me face my fear and be able to tell the person I loved most in the world that he is upsetting me by his actions, even though these actions are not done with any bad intentions?
Thanks for your time. |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 10/22/2004 : 16:18:47
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quote:
Originally posted by Kavita
...When I don't express this anger, it builds. I have always been afraid of confrontation, and perhaps that is because as a child I saw my parents fight in unhealty ways...
Hi Kavita,
I have the same problem with unexpressed anger that builds, and I internalize it. I too had parents that fought a lot when I was a kid and I think that has a lot to do with my TMS.
More recently, I, the "do-gooder" has started saying "no" to people, and its been a hard thing for me to learn how to do. When I say "no" I am angry, so I have to learn to say "no" better and be happy with saying "no" and do it in a manner that is neutral to other people.
I've also started expressing, voicing my anger, at certain times. I have to learn how to vent my internalized anger in a way that does not make my family think I'm an angry nasty person which is not the case. Its the TMS trying to get out.
Take care, -Stryder |
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Kavita
USA
47 Posts |
Posted - 10/25/2004 : 09:30:07
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Thanks Stryder.
That's what I am working on, too. Sometimes I'm afraid that if I express anger right away, that I will be too critical or unfairly judgmental. My tactic has always been to take some time to think about it, then approach the topic when calm. Unfortunately, I have found that doing so does not provide a feeling of resolve or release; I am still angry. If you have any tips on addressing a situation immediately, I would welcome then. For example what do you say when someone close to you does something to make you mad, without being too harsh? Often we look back and regret things said in anger. However, I find I regret not taking the opportunity in the moment to express my feelings.
It's good to know that others face the same difficulties as I do. |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 10/25/2004 : 09:51:05
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quote:
Originally posted by Kavita
... My tactic has always been to take some time to think about it, then approach the topic when calm. Unfortunately, I have found that doing so does not provide a feeling of resolve or release; I am still angry. ...
... However, I find I regret not taking the opportunity in the moment to express my feelings. ...
Yes, that had always been my approach too, hence the surpression of anger (waiting until later).
I'm still trying to work out how to get the proper "release" of my anger at the time it happens, so unfortunately I am in the same situation that I have not figured it out yet. This has been a real problem since I'm now 95% pain free from my TMS, but I'm not satisified with showing anger in front on my loved ones. I'm still trying to find the right balance and channel for my anger (away from people). -Stryder |
Edited by - Stryder on 10/25/2004 13:34:51 |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 10/25/2004 : 11:39:04
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I am dealing with my unexpressed anger at night time in my journaling. I often speak out loud and sometimes cry in frustration. I would never allow myself to do this in public. Certainly with my job, I could never say these things. I am quite vicious with my writing - not thinking about being appropriate. I say out loud and write whatever I like. I read it back and sit in it - really thinking about the issues and feeling them. In Mind Body Prescription, Sarno has a description of how to journal, contributed by one of his patients. He suggests dividing the problems into two columms - one is a list of things one cannot change and has to accept and the other is a list of things one can change.
I think it is also important to take some time each day to relax - slow down. Some people find meditation helpful - maybe after the journaling. Because I have a faith, I like to pray - that works to calm me down. I don't want to walk around angry all the time. I reserve it for the end of the day.
Recently, I was fuming about the situaton at work. I went out on a limb and decided to talk to my boss about it. I was very calm in the meeting and very frank. He had no idea I was upset. The problem has been resolved and I feel so much better. The good thing is that I waited to talk to him when I was calm - not when I was fuming with rage. If only I could do this all the time! Now I need to deal with a situation with my sister - this time I acted when angry - sent over an email in a rage and that has got me nowhere. I have found it always more effective to wait for the rage to subside (not repress it - feel it on my own or with my therapist) and then approach the person |
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Allan
USA
226 Posts |
Posted - 10/25/2004 : 17:20:52
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My experience may be helpful. First of all, let me say that I am no better than anyone else is when it comes to these experiences. I have had some success though.
I could not control my anger. I not only had anger; I had red hot hate. I was never successful in trying to control it.
Somehow, in desperation, I tried to eliminate anger and hate altogether rather than try to control it.
There seems to always be a trigger or something to any breakthrough. Mine was watching the series with Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers and the power of Myth.
Joe Campbell refers to the Hindu custom of bowing to each other when they meet. The idea is to recognize the divinity in each other.
I thought, if there is divinity in each of us, how can we then be angry with each other? The other reference was to a Buddhist monk who watched the Communists kill thousands of his fellow unarmed monks. Joe Campbell said that the monk never showed the slightest anger when the scene was recalled. Imagine watching you friends killed and not getting angry.
In a related story, a Buddhist monk was being tortured. His greatest fear was not the pain but that as the pain increased he would lose his love for the torturer.
My resolve was to change my life to lead it the way that our Divine Creator intended. I hope that I am not proselytizing here. It did not happen right away but took well over a year. Today, I can honestly say that I have no anger or hate in my heart. |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 10/25/2004 : 21:54:36
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Hi Allan,
Interesting. Yes, people should not hate other people. In my case the root cause of my anger is not with people themselves, but the situations. I get angry with the sceanrio not those people associated with the situation. Yes, if I show my anger, the people can get caught in the crossfire, but in truth they are innocent bystanders.
Being a do-gooder has its disadvanteges. Those of us with the TMS profile personality traits strive for perfection, trying to make everything work, trying to make all the pieces fit, trying to make everyone happy. Since this cannot happen in reality all the time, and the situation does not present itself to a clean solution, that's when the TMS mind gets going in circles, trying to make it work.
Any thoughts on the constructive channeling of anger being expressed? If its not expressed or dealt with it becomes surpressed or repressed.
-Stryder |
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tdk
15 Posts |
Posted - 10/26/2004 : 06:28:48
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Ahhh...anger...this is an interesting thread. Can we add resentment into that mix, as well??
I was just having this discussion last night with my baby brother (age 37), who, for the first time in his life is experiencing depression. In the process we spent a lot of time discussing our formative years, the ones that put all the pain and angst into our systems. That brings up lots of deep-seated anger, anger that we were never allowed to express at the time it was happening. As my therapist says, "The issues go to the tissues."
Anger is a valid emotion. Most people get angry for the right reasons (unless you are a psycho and just go off all the time). It's good to express it, but I think the key is expressing it appropriately so as to not become part of the problem. Spending time yelling to yourself or pounding the bed with a bat in the privacy of your own home is good to get out the intial rage. Once the rage has calmed down, constructive discussion with the other party, getting it off your chest in a more objective way, may help put the anger behind. Journaling, practicing your "talk" to yourself in a calm manner...they have all helped me.
Right now my father and sister are mad at my brother for a business issue. I finally convinced them to wait a few weeks before talking to him to give them perspective. They actually listened to me. The other day my sister said, "I'm no longer angry at him. I just want him to explain. I'm glad we're waiting approach him."
Sometimes Big Sister wins. TDK
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Kavita
USA
47 Posts |
Posted - 10/26/2004 : 07:29:55
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Thanks everyone. TDK-great slogan (the issues go to the tisses), I will repeat it as part of routine! Stryder- Thanks for sharing; we have much in common. Allan- that was a beautiful post. Suz- You motivate me to return to my journaling.
It helps to know that many people are working through the same issues as myself, and this reinforces my acceptance of the TMS diagnosis. Keep writing, all! |
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Cheryl Rose
USA
12 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2004 : 10:07:08
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I have recently become aware that I have a lot of deep unresolved rage. I have a twin brother who was treated like a King while I became a whipping boy for my narcissistic Mother. All through school my teachers would tell my Mother that I was underacheiving so that my brother would'nt feel bad, nothing was ever changed. While my twin brother went to college and had a good time I went to work because they couldn't afford to send us both.
The problem is this right now: I'm seeing for the first time that I have the same sort of relationship with my husband. I constantly take care of him and his problems and deny mine. He is narcissitic and blames everything that goes wrong on me. If I say I'm angry about something he says, "it's your fault, you should have said you wanted my help" I can't rely on him to to be hooked up into my reality at all, but I seem to spend all of my time concerned for him. I posted before about his heart problems and an ulcer, due to our awful house remodeling, but this really leaves no room for me or my overwhelming problem. It all makes me feel like his Mom and I can't be the artist that I am if I am always being a Mom. I can't see FORGETTING the rage and anger that I JUST RECENTLY found........am I wrong? |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2004 : 10:26:42
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Hi Kavita
Good topic.
When I first got well,I probably went a little overboard with expressing my repressed feelings towards my wife.It was extra frustrating,as my wife is a beautiful person and I knew that the angers were often times irrational,I just was soooo afraid of the symptoms that I let it all fly.
Obviously that was not conducive to a good marriage.We began to have problems.We went to counseling and it helped a lot.
We have the archetypical "beauty and the Beast" type of Marriage....everybody likes her,she's always kind,considerate,patient and sweet...with everybody but me.I felt trapped.The world couldn't imagine how an Ogre such as myself could possibly find a fault with Cinderella.
Therein lay the problem.Through MUCH work,we've had to hash out a lot of stuff...counseling,talking(not fighting),prayer,counseling some more.
I used to be Angry always for quite a while....it looked as if we might get divorced.However,as a couple we have come to the realization that it is only through individual and personal improvement,realization and growth ,that we can grow and have peace as a couple.Everybody has to do their own homework.
You are not alone in your frustration of: " to tell the person I loved most in the world that he is upsetting me by his actions, even though these actions are not done with any bad intentions? "
It's an interior remodeling..to be certain,I've feared many times that as I've approached a newer and deeper understanding that I might wake up to find myself no longer wanting to be married,However the opposite has happened.The deeper I've sought out the reasons for my anger,the irrational fears and frustrations,we've grown closer...always an ebb and flow,but always closer and a better Marriage.
As long as I stay open minded to the possibility of leaving her,I've been able to find A deeper truth,and it always makes me love her more.
Hope that helps.
You won't be angry always,but you might have periods of darkness and the ARE scary.
God bless
Baseball65
Baseball65 |
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Managing Anger
