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2scoops

USA
386 Posts

Posted - 03/15/2007 :  08:21:41  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Shame is a fear-based internal state accompanied by feelings of being unworthy and unlovable.

Shame conjures up brief, intense painful feelings of mortification due to being seen as inadequate. Shame feelings are a threat to the integrity of the self. It keeps us caught in fear of being found out by others. The perceived deficit is so humiliating that the person goes to great lengths to hide the flawed self.

Induced causes of shame by others include a betrayal by them in some way. Trust in often broken through parental disapproval and judgment. Harsh, critical parental behavior produces shame-prone, perfectionistic children who then pass the family bad habit down to their children. The energy of shame of others is contagious and can be passed from one individual to another. In this manner, family dysfunction is handed down from one generation to the other.

Parental withdrawal, rejection or favoritism of a sibling cause deep fears of abandonment and shame. The child feels that he must be really bad or his parents do not love him. Parents who have too high expectations of behavior, criticism and disapproval for failure create shame as the child cannot realistically live up to the high expectations. Parental humiliation and punishment for distress, crying or making a mistake creates the need in the child to try to hide his vulnerability. He worries incessantly about what others think, fears public failure and stops taking risks due to fear of social disapproval. He is becomes afraid of rejection and abandonment.

When parents point the "bony finger of blame" at a child and say "Shame on you. Shame. Shame. You are a __________. " the child learns to believe that he is unworthy. He may then act out inappropriately and become what the parent has labeled him. Doing what the parent has accused him up is the self-fulfilling prophesy.

The trauma of being bullied or physical and sexual abuse imprints major feelings of being devalued and unworthy in the victim. Shame can pass from the perpetrator to the victim. People who live in abusive relationships where they feel helpless learn the shame-rage cycle. Shame and rage are passed from one person to another through learning to act like the aggressor.

Some churches use shame to control their members by preaching rigid rules which are inconsistent with human nature. The more that "hell and damnation" are emphasized, the more guilt and shame the members will have.

Guilt is a feeling that we did something wrong. Guilt is usually tied to a specific behavior. Guilt says, "I did something bad. I must pay." Common causes of guilt are violation of society's' values around sexual and aggressive behavior, issues around bathroom functions care and being different and being looked down upon by others. We create guilt and shame in ourselves when we engage in morally-inappropriate behavior and get caught and there is public humiliation.

Guilt is about actions, shame is about the self. Shame says "I am bad. I am different." The shame core can build up after engaging in behaviors you know are wrong. Accumulated guilt by continuing to act in ways that you know are wrong can turn into shame.

Guilt and shame can build up with repeated incidents of humiliation and lead to internal global beliefs of "I am unworthy. I don't deserve good things. I am unlovable. " The feelings around these deep core beliefs are so bad that they must be avoided at all costs. Other more acceptable feelings such as sadness, anger or rage get substituted instead.

Shame is the shaper of symptoms. It creates a false self where you cannot be real. It can create nasty behaviors that you regret later. Repressed shame leads to substituting more acceptable emotions (to you) such as anger, rage, depression and anxiety to reduce the internal tension that is so hard to bear. Other defenses of shame include macho behavior, intellectualization and shutting down feelings. Controlling, blaming, criticizing or feeling superior to others are other common defenses to avoid feelings of shame. Engaging in excessive use of alcohol, substances and addictive behavior may be an indicator of shame. Drunken behavior may then cause more shame. Engaging in behaviors that society frowns upon creates more guilt and shame.

In the shame/rage cycle, there is an instant flooding of adrenalin and cortisol to prepare the person to fight back. You come under the control of fight or flight hormones and attack the other person going for their jugular vein. Your common sense goes out the window as you lose your personal sense of responsibility and then lose control.

Patterns of dysfunctional behavior in a person's life usually indicate a strong internal shame core. Lack of intimacy and connection to others indicates a lack of trust which was brought about by early feelings of helplessness and humiliation. Repressed shame and guilt cause a lack of trust of others and a deep breach or separation from others and the real self.

Rage is always about entitlement and feeling insecure inside. The person believes he has the right to vent and yell to get the other person to back off. He uses anger to intimidate others to get them to leave you alone. Bad behavior works to reduce the threat, but it damages relationships.

At some point in your, the old defenses of anger, rage and running away from pain no longer work. Shame comes up big time. Your life crashes and you hit an emotional bottom. An important relationship is threatened or ends which may prompt you to seek psychological help.


Shame is the Shaper of Symptoms but It is Also the Way Home
One purpose of the negative emotion is to help us look at those aspects of ourself that is not congruent with our deepest values and understanding of what it means to be human from a soul level. You can use your shameful feelings as a signal that something needs examining. The anxiety around the painful past must be entered into and moved through.

Understanding how shame works helps release it. Shame can be released through owning it, talking about it and processing the original painful experiences. Uncomfortable feeling can be accessed and worked through with the help of a skillful therapist. The shame reduction work must be experiential; it usually cannot be released on an intellectual level. Laughter about one's predicament sometimes helps shift shame energies.

You can learn to become a detective on your own emotions and behavior so you can break into the hormonal hijackings that spiral you into bad behavior. You can learn to detach and become an observer of your own internal state of shame choosing not to shut down the painful feelings but to stay present and learn from them. When you get upset, step back and watch how the ugly adrenalin-driven behavior takes away from being the person you really want to be. The shame-rage link was learned. The association between hormones and bad behavior can be unlearned.

You can learn to break into beliefs of being entitled to scream and yell to shut the others down. You can break the belief of "I get to hurt others by my ugly words because I feel an uncomfortable feeling." You can stop the attitude of "I earn the money here so I get to do what I want and violence is justified. You can learn better communication skills. You can stop focusing on blaming your partner and take responsibility for your part of the problem. You can try to see the issue through your partner's eyes. This is about finally becoming a grown up!

The cleaning out of the global beliefs of "I am bad. I am a bad person. I am not safe. I will be rejected because I am unworthy. I will be abandoned." takes time and exploration but it can be done with a therapist who understands the process of shame release and can stay present with unconditional love. The other side of shame is "I am worthy even though I make mistakes. I am a good person even if I get angry. I am lovable." The truth is that you are a beautiful person who was shamed as a child and you now need to claim yourself as being worthy of being loved.

Bring the integrity of who you are forward and work your early painful issues through to create a different understanding of the early painful experiences that caused shame. Turning the shame over to something greater than oneself can negate those global beliefs of unworthiness.

Feelings of guilt and shame can be worked out with a competent, compassionate therapist. When shame release work is combined in therapy with assertiveness training and learning to speak up and say no, to state boundaries and to share feelings, self esteem zooms upward.

No easy task, but there it is. By careful monitoring and studying your shame and rage and breaking into them you can become the master of your feelings. If this is the work that you came to do, then the higher part of who you are says, "Let's be about the work!"

For further information about shame, read The Drama Triangle, Scapegoating and all the articles on family violence and narcissism on the Angries Out web site at www.AngriesOut.com.

http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/family6.htm

2scoops

USA
386 Posts

Posted - 03/15/2007 :  08:31:01  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
http://www.hope4survivors.com/Shame.html

According to psychologist and psychoanalyst Erik Erikson (1902-1994), "a sense of shame is part of the second stage of psychosocial development. In the first stage a child needs to establish a sense of basic trust. This basic trust must be greater than his sense of mistrust. We can understand healthy shame best by understanding this trust stage of psychosocial development...Once basic trust has been established, the child is in a position to develop shame. The shame may be healthy or toxic." Erikson said that between the ages of 15 months and three years, "the psychosocial task for this stage of development is to strike a balance between autonomy and shame and doubt."



John Bradshaw explains at length the different processes for developing both healthy shame and toxic shame in his book. Here is a brief run down of both (please read his book for more detailed information):
Healthy Shame
Toxic Shame
- Shame as Embarrassment and Blushing

Mistakes are a part of human nature.

With blushing, we know we've made a mistake.

- Shame as Shyness

Shyness is a natural boundary that keeps us from

being harmed by a stranger.

- Shame as the Basic Need for Community

As humans, we have a basic need for community.

Our shame in this case acts as a healthy reminder

that sometimes we need help and that we have a

need to be involved in loving, caring relationships.

- Shame as the Source of Creativity and Leaning

One of the biggest road blocks to creativity is a

feeling of being right. When we think we are

absolutely right, we stop seeking further

information. Being certain stops curiosity. Curiosity

is at the heart of all learning. Our healthy shame

never allows us to think we know it all.

- Shame as the Source of Spirituality

Some would say that spirituality is our ultimate

human need. Healthy shame is essential for

grounding ourselves to this ultimate source of

reality. Healthy shame reminds us that we are

not God. It grounds us in humility.
- Neurotic Syndromes of Shame

Toxic shame is an all pervasive sense that I am flawed. It is a belief

that we are worthless and defective as a human being. It is more than

just a fleeting feeling of unworthiness, it is an internal sense of falling

short. If we experience toxic shame, it is difficult to recognize. As

Bradshaw says, "A shame based person will guard against exposing

his inner self to others, but more significantly, he will guard against

exposing himself to himself."

- Internalization of Shame

Internalization of shame involves at least 3 processes:

1) Identification with Shame-Based Models

The need to identify with someone, to belong is one of our most

basic human needs. Second only to self-preservation. This begins

with our primary caregivers and significant others. When children

have shame-based caregivers and significant others, they identify

with them. This is the first step in internalizing shame.

2) Abandonment: The Legacy of Broken Mutuality

Children find love, acceptance and identity in the mirroring eyes of

their parents or primary caregivers. Abandonment can include this

lack or loss of positive mirroring, not just physical abandonment.

Besides physical desertion and lack of mirroring, abandonment

includes any of the following:

- Neglect

- Abuse of any kind

- Enmeshment into the needs of the parents

3) Interconnection of Memory Imprints

Shaming experiences are recorded in a child's memory banks. As

Bradshaw explains, "Because the victim has no time or support to

grieve the pain of the broken mutuality, his emotions are

repressed and the grief is unresolved." Any future experience which

even vaguely resembles the original shame-based trauma can easily

TRIGGER the words, sights, sounds, smells or other

senses involved in the original trauma.

- Self-Alienation and Isolation

Alienation means that you experience parts of yourself that are alien

to you. For example, I was shamed for crying during my childhood

abuse. Therefore, feeling grief and crying became an alienated part

of myself. When ever I feel grief now, I often experience toxic shame.

This is why it is so important to lean how to heal the toxic shame

that binds us to our past trauma in order to adequately process

these unresolved emotions.

- Shame as the False Self

"Because the exposure of self to self lies at the heart of neurotic

shame, escape from the self is necessary." This is accomplished by

creating a false self.

- Shame as Co-Dependency

As discussed on the Nurturing Parent page, people who are co-

dependent try to get their inner child's needs met through another

adult and/or they focus all of their nurturing abilities on other adults

(usually a significant other) who are trying to get these needs met

through others. People who are co-dependent have no inner life.

They lack the ability to get their needs met from within themselves.

Therefore, happiness and feelings of self-validation are found outside

themselves.

- Shame as Borderline Personality

Many psychiatrists today see many types of mental illness as

rooted in neurotic shame. Borderline Personality involves self-image

disturbance, difficulty identifying and expressing one's own thoughts

and difficulty with self-assertion.

- Shame as the Core and Fuel of all Addiction

Toxic shame turns a person into a "human doing" rather than a human

being. A person's self-worth is measured by what they DO on the

outside instead of what is on the inside. Addiction is a self-fulfilling

shame based behavior. One seeks mood alteration and emotion

numbing with the addictive behavior. What follows is shame over one's

behavior and the resulting consequences; i.e. hangover, infidelity, etc.

This toxic shame fuels the addiction and starts the process all over

again.

- Shame as Guilt

Healthy guilt is at the core of our conscience. It helps us determine

right from wrong. Toxic guilt carries a sense of hopelessness, since

one believes they are flawed beyond repair.

- Character Disorder Syndromes of Shame

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The narcissist is continually motivated to find perfection in everything

she does. Beneath this external facade lies an emptiness. This

emptiness is caused by internalized shame.

Paranoid Personality

Bradshaw believes that "the paranoid defense is a posture developed

to cope with excessive shame." Any wrongdoings on the part of the

paranoid person are disowned and transferred to others as kind of a

self-fulfilling prophecy of the betrayal they knew was coming.

Offender/Criminal Behavior

The criminal offender "acts out" in much the same way as he was

originally victimized. This is often referred to as the CYCLE of

abuse. Unless we find help and healing for this victimization we are

bound to carry on in the victim role, seeking out others who we

instinctively know will abuse us or we will reenact it over and over

again. Parents who physically or sexually abuse their children were

typically abused similarly when they were young.

Grandiosity/Disabled Will

Grandiosity is a disorder of the will. It can appear in one of two

extremes: in being more than human or less than human. A person

with a disabled will can believe they are the best of the best or the

worst of the worst. Bradshaw explains it this way: "As emotions

get bound by shame, their energy is frozen, which blocks the full

interaction between the mind and the will." Without the thinking

mind, the will is blind and can cause severe problems, such as

trying to control everything or willing in absolute extremes (all or

nothing).

- Toxic Shame as Spiritual Bankruptcy

Spirituality is about BEING. Spirituality makes us human. Toxic

shame is de-humanizing. Toxic shame creates a life dominated by

DOING. Since it is based on a belief that what's inside is flawed,

it looks outward for self-worth and justification.





To learn more, please click here or above on the Hiding Places of Toxic Shame.


Sources of Toxic Shame



- The Family System

Dysfunctional Families

Toxic shame is an interpersonal problem. It originates primarily in significant relationships. Our most

significant relationships are those with our original families.

Shame-Based Families and Multi-Generational Illness

Toxic shame is most often multi-generational. Family secrets can go back many generations and

can be carried forward generation after generation. Since these secrets are kept hidden, they

never get worked out.

Shame-Based Marriage and Parental Models

These dysfunctional families are created when shame-based people find and marry each other.

Most often, these shame-based couples consist of co-dependent adults looking to the other

to parent the wounded child within them.



Dysfunctional Family Rules

1. Control - Control is the major defense mechanism for shame.

2. Perfectionism - Family members live according to an external image of perfection, which is

impossible to achieve and therefore, no one ever measures up.

3. Blame - Blame is another defense cover up for shame. When control breaks down, blame

takes over. Blame can be placed on oneself or others.

4. Denial of the Five Freedoms

These five freedoms represent a basic human power:

- The Power to Perceive;

- The Power to Think and interpret;

- The Power to Feel;

- The Power to Desire; to want and choose;

- The Power to Imagine

This rule denies the true self of each family member. It demands that you not perceive,

think, feel, desire or imagine the way you truly do, but the way the dysfunctional family rules

require you to...often a perfectionist ideal.

5. The No-Talk Rule - This rule denies the expression of the true self. It prohibits the full

expression of any feeling, need or want.

6. Don't Make Mistakes Rule - Mistakes reveal our flawed human self. Ackowledging mistakes

opens the family up to scrutiny. This rule requires that you cover up your own mistakes and if

someone else makes a mistake, you are required to shame them.

7. Unreliability - "Don't trust anyone and you'll never be disappointed." Parents in the

dysfunctional family did not get their developmental needs met as children and they won't be

there for their own children's needs. The cycle of distrust is perpetuated.



- Abandonment

Physical Desertion - This is the most commonly understood meaning of the word. This can mean an

outright physical separation resulting from a decision not to be involved in your child's life, i.e. giving

a child up for adoption or letting someone else raise your child. This can also include an undesired

absense, which can occur from incarceration, illness, death or service away from home in the military.

Emotional Abandonment - Children need mirroring from their primary caretakers to develop in a

healthy way. Healthy mirroring means that someone is there for the child and reflects an accurate

image of who they really are. Shame-based parents are co-dependent adult children who are still in

search of someone who is always there for them. The objects of their narcissistic gratification will often

be their own children. In this way, the child takes care of her parent's needs instead of the parents

taking care of the child's needs.

Abandonment Through Abuse - Abuse equals abandonment because when a child is abused,

there is no one there for them. Young children, because of their natural egocentricity, take

responsibility for their abuse. It is easier for a young child to believe they are to blame for the

abuse than to blame the parent(s) whom they rely on for survival.



1. Sexual Abuse - John Bradshaw believes that sexual abuse is the most shaming of all abuse.

- Physical Sexual Abuse - Hands on touching in a sexual way.

- Overt Sexual Abuse - Voyeurism or Exhibitionism - The criteria for whether or not it

constitutes abuse is whether or not the parent (or other adult) is sexually stimulated. This

has nothing to do with the child's naturally developing curiosity and sexual thoughts. This

is when a parent or other adult uses a child for his or her own sexual stimulation.

- Covert Sexual Abuse

a) Verbal - Inappropriate sexual talk initiated by an adult.

b) Boundary Violation - This involves children witnessing their parents or other adult

caretakers involved in sexual behavior. It is the adult's responsibility to set appropriate

sexual boundaries. Parents need to close and lock bedroom doors so that children

don't accidentally walk in and children need appropriate privacy as well. If parents or

other adults do not respect a child's privacy while they are undressing or using the

bathroom, this constitutes a boundary violation.

- Emotional Sexual Abuse - When a parent or other adult relative or caretaker bonds in an

inappropriate way with a child, it can constitute emotional sexual abuse. When a parent

uses a child to meet their emotional needs, it can easily become romanticized or

sexualized. A daughter can become "Daddy's Little Princess" or a son can become

"Mommy's Little Man." Children need parental guidance. They should not be treated

as emotional equals like a spouse.



2. Physical Abuse - Bradshaw believes that physical abuse is second only to sexual abuse in the

amount and severity of toxic shame it produces. Physical violence can take many forms, such

as: physical spankings and beatings; being forced to get your own weapon of punishment

(belts, wooden spoons, hair brushes, hangers, switches, etc.); punching; slapping; pulling;

pushing; choking; kicking; pinching; biting; shaking; tickling to a torturous degree; being tied up;

scratching; attempted drowning; burning with lit cigarettes, lighters, ovens, matches, etc.; being

sat on; having things thrown at you; having liquids wiped, poured or splattered on you; being

forced to breath toxic chemicals; having things forced inside your mouth/throat, like soap,

alcohol or other toxic liquids; having things forced inside your vagina or rectum, like carrots,

candles, knives, etc.; being threatened with violence or abandonment; being threatened to be

taken away by police or "men in white coats"; witnessing violence done to a parent or sibling.



3. Emotional Abuse - John Bradshaw believes that emotional abuse is universal. He does not

believe that a single person has been spared the shame of emotional abuse.

Anger - When anger is shamed, two things happen:

1. Anger is shame bound - Every time you get angry, you feel shame.

2. When anger is shamed, it gets repressed. As anger energy is repressed,

it builds and grows unconsciously and turns into rage.

Sorrow - When sorrow and sadness are shamed, it's energy builds into inconsolable

grief and can lead to suicidal feelings and attempts. In our culture, children are

either outwardly punished for crying as in "I'll give you something to cry about!" or

verbally ridiculed or bribed to stop crying.

Fear - Often children are shamed for being afraid in the same manner as they are shamed

for feeling sad. A denied and shamed feeling of fear can split off and grow into full-

fledged terror, phobia or paranoia.

Joy - Even the positive emotion of happiness and the expression of joy can be shamed. My

mother was famous for ridiculing my sister and me when we became excited or

rambunctious. Things that brought us joy were openly ridiculed as being "silly" or

"stupid." When visiting relatives or friends, Mother was only satisfied when her children

were unseen (often being banished to another room or outside) or at least unheard. We

were often required to sit silently with our hands in our laps for hours at a time. When we

occupied our time with a quiet activity like drawing or coloring, Mother often ridiculed

our creations as being "ugly" or "hideous." I was often told that I was "too loud" and

once even overheard a teacher friend of my mother's ask if there was "something

wrong" with me because I spoke "too loud" and had a "deep voice."



- Social Shame

The School System - "The school system promotes a shame-based measure of grading people's

intelligence," says Bradshaw.

Peer Group Shaming - Peer groups can be an excrutiating source of toxic shame. Appearance is

probably the most obvious cause for toxic shaming by your peers in school. If you don't wear the

popular clothes, hairstyle, etc. you can easily become the class scapegoat. Teenagers will commonly

project their own shame onto a class "reject." "The peer group becomes like a new parent. Only this

parent is much more rigid and has several sets of eyes to look you over."

The Religious System - Many religious systems teach the concept of "original sin," in which you're

believed to be "bad" from the moment you are born.

1. God as Punitive - Shame can be intensified by the belief that God knows all of your inner

most thoughts and will punish you for your sins.

2. Denial of Secondary Causality - Some religious doctrine sees the human will as totally inept.

Without God, man is capable of nothing that has value. This goes against traditional Judeo/

Christian doctrine in which man can only accept God/Christ through faith and that his will

determines his decision to accept the gift of faith. It is a conscious decision...without will there

is no faith and without faith there is no salvation.

3. Denial of Emotions - In general, most religions don't allow much expression of emotion.

4. Perfectionism - Religion is responsible for a great deal of shaming through perfectionism.

Most religions teach a kind of moral and behavioral righteousness. These standards dictate

how to dress, talk, pray and behave in almost every situation. Deviation from these standards is

judged as sinful. This perpetuates an "appearance" of righteous living. It is more important to

act loving and righteous than to be loving and righteous. My mother was an expert at acting in

loving and righteous ways to the outside world, but behaving much differently at home.

5. Religious Addiction - Mood alteration is a component in addictive/compulsive behavior.

Religious addiction is rooted in toxic shame. It can be exhiliratingly addictive for the members

of any religious sect to be told they are "good" and that everyone who doesn't believe in the

same things are "bad" and sinful. Healthy shame says that we will inevitably make mistakes

(the Bible says "ALL have sinned"), so righteousness becomes a kind of shameless behavior.

The Cultural System

1. The Success Myth - In this belief system, money and its symbols of success are a measure of

our self-worth.

2. Rigid Sex Roles - Rigid sex roles are still alive and well in our society. If you don't believe it,

take a look at any group of children playing in a day care center. Childrens' toys are still very

sexist. Parents will shame their little boys for wanting to play with dolls.

3. Perfection Myth (The Perfect "10") - Our culture is inundated with a perfectionistic view of

physical attractiveness. While this is slowly changing, most women and girls compare

themselves to ultra thin models with enhanced bustlines and most men and boys' looks are

compared to male "sex symbols" and professional athletes. Comparing ourselves to this

mythical, perfect "10" standard is a great source of sexual shame in our society.

4. Denial of Emotions - Our society does not encourage emotional honesty. When asked, "How

are you?" Most people instinctively respond with, "I'm fine." We repond this way even when it is

the farthest thing from the truth. The sad thing is, even when we have the courage to answer

with our true feelings, it more often than not becomes obvious to us that the asking party does

not really want to hear about it!

5. "Good Ol' Boy" and "Nice Gal" Myth - This is a kind of social conformity myth. "Don't make

waves." "Take one for the team." "Don't rock the boat." These all imply that we are expected

to do things we might not want to do and keep quiet about it! This pretending and acting are

forms of lying and a form of denying our true self. We are rewarded by society for being

something other than what we are. It teaches us to hide our toxic shame.




Definitions & Sources
Hiding Places of Toxic Shame
Solutions Part 1

Please click here to learn more about ways we hide our toxic shame.
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armchairlinguist

USA
1397 Posts

Posted - 03/15/2007 :  22:00:21  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
2scoops, thanks for posting this. Some of the stuff rang a bell with me and I'm planning to check out the source site further.

--
Wherever you go, there you are.
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shawnsmith

Czech Republic
2048 Posts

Posted - 03/16/2007 :  12:06:02  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I liked the first article, but the second article was a bit convoluted for my tastes. Please post more as you find them.

Thanks!



*************
Sarno-ize it!
*************
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armchairlinguist

USA
1397 Posts

Posted - 03/16/2007 :  15:28:24  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
quote:
Controlling, blaming, criticizing or feeling superior to others are other common defenses to avoid feelings of shame.


This part rang a big bell for me, as it's similar to a conclusion that I've come to about my own behavior, which is that I criticize others (in my head) because I need to feel that I am somehow at least a little bit okay because I am better than they are in the respect that I criticize them in.

Not pretty but true.

--
Wherever you go, there you are.
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2scoops

USA
386 Posts

Posted - 03/18/2007 :  10:03:37  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I think shame is big for me. If you want, checkout Healing The Shame That Binds You from John Bradshaw, they should have it at any library.
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armchairlinguist

USA
1397 Posts

Posted - 03/20/2007 :  11:29:42  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I found the book at my library. I think it will be helpful. It's a very insightful account of how shame develops, and what it means. I was particularly impressed by his notion that we are only carriers of shame that doesn't belong to us, that started farther back in our families. His ideas and exercises for working with the self, dreams, etc. seem like they really hit the mark.

I am disappointed by a few things, though. First, he focuses much more on severely dysfunctional kinds of shaming abuse and classical addiction patterns than on basic emotional shaming and perfectionism, though he does give these a decent treatment. He is also (and fortunately admits to being) biased in favor of 12-step programs and God. (It is a personal bias since he is a recovering alcoholic who was helped by AA, and a former seminarian.) Though he's flexible about the notion of God, I find it annoying and distracting that he talks about it constantly and emphasizes it, since I'm not a God person and can't identify with that aspect of it.

Anyhow, very worth checking out, so thanks again for posting about this. I think the book will also push me to start working with a therapist. He really recommends working in a group or with a therapist because part of healing shame is trusting others to be there for us. This is difficult for me, so I think that beginning to work with a therapist is thus the next step.

--
Wherever you go, there you are.
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carbar

USA
227 Posts

Posted - 03/20/2007 :  22:00:02  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Thanks 2scoops for the post and thanks ACL for the feedback on Bradshaw.

quote:
Repressed shame leads to substituting more acceptable emotions (to you) such as anger, rage, depression and anxiety to reduce the internal tension that is so hard to bear. Other defenses of shame include macho behavior, intellectualization and shutting down feelings. Controlling, blaming, criticizing or feeling superior to others are other common defenses to avoid feelings of shame. Engaging in excessive use of alcohol, substances and addictive behavior may be an indicator of shame.



Hmmm, this is like peeling back the onion skin of the anger and sadness to reveal something really foreign.

Regarding working with a therapist, I want to throw in the 2 cents I've tossed before and say, I think if you are Sarno-identified it is VERY important to have the analytical-focus therapist vs. another style where the therapist is GIVING you techniques. The analytical focus means insight is more self-guided, which I think a lot of folks on this board can allready identify with since there's a lot of independent research happening. :)

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armchairlinguist

USA
1397 Posts

Posted - 03/20/2007 :  22:06:36  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Today I contacted the Creative Growth Center, which is a center around here based on Bradshaw's methods, and asked them for a therapist suggestion nearer where I live. They responded this evening, so now I have someone to call.

I realized that I am quite afraid of starting up with a therapist. I'm afraid that he/she will not like or understand me. I think it's related to what Bradshaw calls the rupture of the primary relationships -- basically, when parental acceptance of you fails.

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Singer_Artist

USA
1516 Posts

Posted - 03/20/2007 :  23:17:54  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
ACL,
You have helped me so much here with your kind heart and wisdom..I don't think a therapist you see will have any trouble understanding you..You are a very special soul!
God bless and hugs,
Karen
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shawnsmith

Czech Republic
2048 Posts

Posted - 03/21/2007 :  09:14:08  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
The best therapist is yourself.
The worst therapist is yourself.
Just be aware that you lie to yourself.
That all your thoughts are lies.
Challenge them....detach yourself from them as they are all 100% bull-s--t.
I am this, I am that. Lies, blah blah blah.....damned lies!!!!!
When you do this you will see just what kind of con-job you brain has been playing on you with this pain.



*************
Sarno-ize it!
*************
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armchairlinguist

USA
1397 Posts

Posted - 03/21/2007 :  16:32:05  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Shawn, I'm not sure what you're talking about. I don't have physical pain anymore, haven't for almost a year.

Also, we are not our own therapists, we are ourselves. A therapist is an outside party aiding us in working with our perceptions.

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art

1903 Posts

Posted - 03/21/2007 :  22:04:43  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist

Shawn, I'm not sure what you're talking about. I don't have physical pain anymore, haven't for almost a year.

Also, we are not our own therapists, we are ourselves. A therapist is an outside party aiding us in working with our perceptions.

--
Wherever you go, there you are.



This seems a surprisingly concrete response...Certainly we are our own therapists in the long run...You might see a professional of some sort an hour or two a week, and even then it is up to us how we interpret/internalize/accept/reject anything that professional might tlel us...A professional cannot forgive us in any ultimate sense, or even love us....It's not his/her job. That's up to us.

As to pain, who among us feels no pain? Emotional pain is no less real, no less intense than the physical variety.
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miehnesor

USA
430 Posts

Posted - 03/22/2007 :  13:16:18  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist

Today I contacted the Creative Growth Center, which is a center around here based on Bradshaw's methods, and asked them for a therapist suggestion nearer where I live. They responded this evening, so now I have someone to call.

I realized that I am quite afraid of starting up with a therapist. I'm afraid that he/she will not like or understand me. I think it's related to what Bradshaw calls the rupture of the primary relationships -- basically, when parental acceptance of you fails.

--
Wherever you go, there you are.



ACL- I encourage you to take this step as I think that you should listen to that inner child and give her more support in dealing with difficult feelings. Also seems to me that finding a therapist who aligns with the Bradshaw approach is the way to go. You've read all the books and know what to look for in a therapist. Find someone who you feel safe with and trust your gut. You may want to interview several therapists and pick the one you feel the most comfortable with.

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armchairlinguist

USA
1397 Posts

Posted - 03/22/2007 :  14:25:13  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
quote:
Certainly we are our own therapists in the long run...You might see a professional of some sort an hour or two a week, and even then it is up to us how we interpret/internalize/accept/reject anything that professional might tlel us...A professional cannot forgive us in any ultimate sense, or even love us....It's not his/her job. That's up to us.


Which is exactly why we aren't our own therapists. It is OUR role not a therapist's role to forgive ourselves and love ourselves. As you say, they are facilitators, they tell us things that they believe will be helpful to US in our journeys.

We are absolutely the most essential participants in our emotional journeys and we can go (and I have gone) a long way on our own, in understanding ourselves and working with all parts of ourselves. But we are NOT therapists to ourselves. It is a relationship that you can only have with a person who is not yourself.

miehsnor, thanks. I don't know if there are many therapists around here who know Bradshaw in particular. I did talk to the one I was referred to yesterday, but she's quite busy right now and couldn't start right away. I might wait to start up with her, or I might ask if she knows anyone else who works in compatible ways, even if not from the specific material. I am kind of limited for where the person can be located due to my transportation situation, so I'm hoping I'm able to find a good person for me without needing to do a lot of travel. She seemed nice on the phone, anyhow. I appreciate your support.

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art

1903 Posts

Posted - 03/22/2007 :  18:23:57  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
quote:
We are absolutely the most essential participants in our emotional journeys and we can go (and I have gone) a long way on our own, in understanding ourselves and working with all parts of ourselves. But we are NOT therapists to ourselves. It is a relationship that you can only have with a person who is not yourself.


You can certainly make this argument if you want to, though as I said it strikes me as surprisingly concrete...You've construed the term "therapist" as narrowly as you possibly could...I wonder why.

Even at that, I couldn't disagree more. I've moved beyond an emotionally impoverished, critical upbringing essentially by learning to love and accept myself...I've seen a professional therapist or two along the way, and very rarely got any substantive help...Say what you will, I have in a very real sense been my own therapist for most of my adult life..Given where I started from, I don't mind telling you I think I've done a pretty good job...

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