| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
ndb
209 Posts |
 Posted - 03/13/2007 : 22:52:35
|
I'm trying to journal here a bit because I want to express how angry I am these days.
I am feeling very despondent about some knee pain I've started having again, triggered perhaps in taekwondo class.
What is going on in my life?
1. I am starting to write up my phd thesis. I have very low self confidence about this because I don't feel that my work has been top-rate. I keep feeling that it isn't enough for a *real* thesis. My advisor is allright with things as they are, but I feel that perhaps he doesn't have very high hopes from me anymore. My perception is that in my first few years I didn't have any good problems to work on, and now I am stuck with a made-up problem that nobody cares about, to write about as part of my thesis (thankfully, there is one other part which is good work). I feel a lot of pressure about this particular piece of work, because I am not really convinced about it. How could it be that even after 6 years of (bloody hard) work, this is what I have to deal with. I feel like my subject is just too hard for me, and I often wish very hard and cry that that if I had been born smarter, it would not be such an effort to work in the subject which I enjoy otherwise.
All my papers are with other authors. I wonder if I am really capable of producing research on my own.
2. I am looking for an academic position. At the moment its only for a postdoc and not faculty, but god knows, even that's difficult enough.
I'm 27 and went for my phd right after my bachelors, so I haven't ever really had a job. I am really anxious about not being a student anymore. I *really* am dreading the responsibilities of the real world.
I was called to one interview at a good place but I didn't get the position. I know other really smart people who were offered the position. I feel such self-loathing for myself that I am not as good as them. I was really nervous about this interview because I felt that I'd only even gotten the opportunity to interview because my advisor spoke to the people there about me. And this thought was constantly at the back of my mind while interviewing...they don;t really want me, they're all just putting up with me. I was really uncomfortable, and screwed up at least a couple of my meetings. I was so paralyzed with these thoughts that I didn't read up on my old work, and so got stuck when asked some detail about it. I felt like such a failure and loser.
I'm interviewing again in a few weeks and just don't feel like going through the disgust of thinking how to explain the substandard parts of my work to people again.
3. Taekwondo is very stressful for me. I want to keep doing it, and I like going to class but it takes so much time. And doing maths requires that you be thinking about problems practically all the time. So 3 nights of the week I can't get any work done. The class time is very inconvenient. I'm used to having dinner at 9 and class is 8-9.30. So I can't eat anything after 6, and i think this causes me a lot of tension, that I have to come back and eat dinner at 10.
I am not sure that I am flexible enough to do all the kicks etc. I think its these thoughts which make my knee hurt, but I wish I could be sure.
4. My sister is causing my parents a lot of worry. She barely made it through college with passing grades. She left home without telling my parents where she was going to live, one day. Imagine the anxiety that caused them (b*tch). She seems to be involved with someone who is equally aimless. Only now is she realizing that my parents were right about him, and he was just manipulating her. She ruined many of her prospects partly because so much of her attention was focussed on this person. My parents in turn call me to dump their anxiety onto me. I haven't visited my home country in 2 years because all this sh*t keeps happening all the time and my parents fight constantly and I can't even have a civilized conversation with my father any longer. Years and years of misunderstandings and silences just keep building up. My mother often treats my father in a very shabby way. The atmosphere at home is so suffocating, I can't bear to be there for more than a week at a time.
My sister insisted on getting a job instead of improving her grades and worked at a minimum wage job for half a year. Then she took it into her head to do an mba. Since she has terrible grades, she's trying for all sorts of shady places. I am having to call up these places and talk to morons to find out if they are legitimate. What a waste of my time. When one opportunity fell through recently after I realized her contact was a bit bogus, she became upset and has vanished without a trace again. She doesn't answer anyone's calls and my family doesn't know her address. I learnt yesterday that they are all trying to determine her whereabouts again. She did the same thing 2 years ago (when my back pain started  !). Its like a nightmare that never ends. I never know what new piece of bad news I'll hear from home next.
I hate her for making me feel guilty about having a peaceful and fun life while she has to go through all kinds of sh*t. |
Edited by - ndb on 03/13/2007 23:02:01 |
|
|
ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2007 : 06:02:40
|
| I woke up this morning and realized that one reason I feel so bad about missing tkd due to injury is that I will gain weight if I don't do a lot of exercise. Maybe I am dreading middle age. |
 |
|
|
mizlorinj
USA
490 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2007 : 08:07:18
|
[font=Century Gothic Dreading "middle age". Something I had not thought about much till I was in agony with butt/back pain around 40th birthday (few months ago)AND had just read in MBP the list of "stressful events". Aging is listed. Hmm. Back pain started around 40, anything to this? Journaled on it and ended up writing page upon page upon page. Yes, it made me angry I was aging! I didn't realize it till it was in print in front of me. Even if I we are not consciously aware of it, aging DOES enrage our unconscious (Dr. Sarno's words). So it must be acknowledged.
Other topics you mentioned--do you feel the need to be the rescuer of your sister? (calling these places that maybe SHE should be investigating?). It is difficult not to want to help those to whom we are close, but I have seen personally how I needed to separate and make them realize they are responsible for their own lives. It made me feel better to unmerge (de-merge?). Laurel Mellin has great books on rescuing and how to stop it for your own health (and sanity). She also talks about building your own security and having reasonable expectations of ourselves--not living up to other's expectations, but our own. It's liberating.
Maybe try writing about why you feel you are not worthy or good enough (jobs, thesis)? I found if I write one or two sentences, it seems to flow pretty much after that (as with the aging Journal for me) and I'm amazed sometimes where writing has taken me. To events or expectations of others that were in my head but I had forgotten about.
Best wishes!
-Lori
PS I think your accomplishments are pretty cool![font=Century Gothic] |
|
|
|
shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2007 : 08:45:19
|
If your taekwondo classes stress you out why continue with them? For heaven's sake, do something you enjoy in life.
Also, it seems your whole life and destiny revolves around how well you do in school. How did you come to this point in life?
You might want to examine why you want your sister to live in a certain way.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
Edited by - shawnsmith on 03/14/2007 08:48:12 |
|
|
|
armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2007 : 11:26:54
|
Hey ndb, so much of what you write sounds familiar to me, especially the academic stuff. I never wanted to do a PhD for various reasons, but I felt similarly about my master's thesis in some regards. I didn't think it was very good work. My advisors said otherwise as well. You're hard on yourself in the same way that I am.
When someone like you who has beaten TMS once has persistent issues again, I think journaling's great, but you probably need to not only vent about the situations but come to terms with them, and change some of what you're doing. I would generally agree with shawn and mizlorinj's suggestions for the other situations but I wanted to add my own experience about academia and job searching.
The job search is a toughie. Have you gone to see your university's career services? You don't need them to help you figure out what job to do, but they can help you with your approach and your skills. It's important to have solid interview skills and good preparation. Plus, that's a concrete step you can take that will make you feel better about the process. It's also important to believe at least a little that someone would be lucky to get you (just as you'll be lucky to get them -- it's ideally mutual advantage!). It sounds to me like they would, if that helps at all. If you come in with the attitude that you are not good enough, that attitude will come through. Again, a career person can help here because they can help you identify all your positive skills, attributes, and achievements so you can discuss them in an interview. Before I went interviewing I did a review of my college, grad school, and notable high school experiences and thought about what skills and qualities in me they developed; it really helped. In the end, you'll be rejected a lot, and that's hard to take. Getting rejected from being a bookstore clerk was one of my low points. How am I unqualified to be a bookstore clerk, for Pete's sake? It can help to think about it as that this would not have been a perfect fit for you...grieve and move on, don't beat yourself up.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
|
|
|
ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2007 : 17:31:49
|
Thanks a lot for the pertinent points you all brought up. It gave me more fodder for journaling and instead of rationalizing, I'm just going to put out what I *feel* about these things.
Lori,
I don't feel the need to be the rescuer of my sister. I'd like best if she put herself in a position to take care of herself. She hasn't, and honestly, I don't want to be bothered with rescuing her. Though she is 21, her mentality is that of a 15 year old. It didn't even occur to her to make the phone calls, and my parents asked me to do it and I could not refuse them.
It is definitely a struggle for me to walk away from helping if I'm asked, and its within my power. I feel that after all my parents have done for me, they shouldn't be stuck with the burden of my sister alone.
It also depends on the situation. In this case, she was about to get onto a plane and come to the US because some person she had contacted over the internet promised her an interview for a teaching job. I must admit, I felt the need to check this out thoroughly. Though I understand the idea of distancing yourself (though unfortunately, my parents will never see it that way), the possible consequences in this case weren't acceptable, e.g. what if this person exploited her in some way while she was alone in a new country!
Were you actually able to become comfortable with the idea of distancing yourself from helping? I feel that unless my family also sees it that way, I will destroy my relationship with them. And I genuinely like my mother and don't want to leave her to her own problems. How do you reconcile with not taking care of them though your parents do everything for you as a kid?
Thanks for your kind words, I hope someday I'll feel good about my own self and accomplishments :)
-----
shawnsmith:
- I continue with taekwondo because I do like it. I like the hard work that one has to put into it. I like that it increases my willpower for physical activity. I like that I learn controlled techniques for how to fight, how to kick, how to punch and so on. It makes me feel that I become a better, physically and mentally after it.
I know I have thoughts that i am not flexible enough. But then I see other people as old as I am also pursuing it, so I think, why can't I?
- Doing well in school -- I think I came to this point because I had some aptitude for academic things, and for my subject as well. I was not especially encouraged as a child to pursue any other interests like sports or music, and I excelled in my academics, so it felt quite natural for me to get into academics. As an adult, I find academic life very congenial (at least as a student, I did).
I've never before been so unsure of myself academically, until I was in the middle of my Phd. I think it was the realization that I wasn't one of the most talented people in the field, by far. In school and in college, that was true with almost no effort, and you get used to it, so maybe that is why it hurts now.
I am very scared at the thought of not being able to continue what I think I am best at.
- Sister. I want my sister to live in any way she likes so that she is self-sufficient. I do not want to be periodically called on to get her out of whatever situation she's gotten herself into. Given her personality, I don't think she will be shy about asking for help, though at the same time, she resents me for it. So for her own sake, and my peace of mind, I want her to live in a way that she is capable of dealing with her own problems.
I don't think I can deal with it by just refusing to help. How should I come to terms with this?
---------
ACL:
Thanks a lot for taking the time to write!
It feels good to know that people have the same types of insecurities. But what eats at me also is that there are people with less insecurities either because they deal with it better or just are more talented than I am.
No, I haven't seen career services of any kind. Mostly I get feedback from my advisors and peers who are in the same field. The thing is that our field is relatively small, so there are really only a small number of places to apply to if you're interested in staying in academia in the field. What I'm trying to say is that the way to jobhunt for us is pretty standard, and everybody does it (in a particular way). So I'm not sure that an outside person, say from career services would give me helpful feedback on, for example my job talk (this is a one hour technical lecture where you present your work). I don't have any trouble with giving talks or explaining myself, its mostly as you say, the lack of confidence showing through that I need to do something about. Our interviews are only technical, so we don't really discuss stuff like what are your strengths etc.
Yes, rejection is hard to take. For me its also the worry of, will I get a position *somewhere* so I can continue research. I am scared because I have seen also a few reasonably talented, (but not superstar ) graduates relegated to teaching universities, so that gradually they stopped having time to spend on research. And soon enough, once you are out of the loop, no-one asks about you twice and it becomes more and more difficult to get back into research. I can only imagine how frustrated they are because I personally know that their priority was research, not teaching.
|
Edited by - ndb on 03/14/2007 20:03:41 |
|
|
|
ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2007 : 20:02:34
|
ACL,
I forgot to say, your point about coming to terms with things and changing what we do for TMS 'maintainence' is very true. Can you give an example of something you came to terms with which previously bothered you?
At the moment, I tend to think (probably wrongly) that this is sort of a cop-out or compromise with something that you can't change. I always worry, oh, if I 'come to terms' then I'll stop trying for what I want, and then I'll never know how things would have turned out had I tried. This is in part the reason why I tend to push myself at things, even though its very scary.
ndb |
|
|
|
armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2007 : 20:10:28
|
quote:
In school and in college, that was true with almost no effort, and you get used to it, so maybe that is why it hurts now.
But what eats at me also is that there are people with less insecurities either because they deal with it better or just are more talented than I am.
My dad used to tell a story about playing tennis with his brother. I'll spare you the story, but the moral is that there will always be some better people and some worse people, except for one person on each end for whom that's not true. But most of us are in the middle. (And even Roger Federer loses matches sometimes.) The other moral is that because it's always the case, it's kind of irrelevant. You're here to be you, not to be someone better or someone else. (This is a case where I have a lot of trouble walking the walk of believing this, but I like to keep saying it to myself and others hoping that that will remind us all to be more kind to ourselves.)
I saw a lot of people in college (this was undergrad) implode because it suddenly required work, and they were not the best anymore, nor was it easy for them. It is not uncommon. But you have not yet imploded, so you're doing well in that regard. :-) I have to say I most admire people with a passion for a subject who work hard at it and take the ideas seriously. You can only go so far on talent, eventually hard work comes for everyone.
My dad also says that his PhD thesis was really not very good. Yet he has gone on to have a successful career, and his research has improved over time. Right now you are mostly potential, and I think that can be a helpful way to look at it. This is not a peak, you'll go up from here.
It seems like you feel very trapped because you don't have that many options and you really want one of them because anything else will mean failure to you, going down. That's an inner-child enrager if I've ever heard one...hopefully this will stimulate some helpful journaling for you.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
|
|
|
ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2007 : 20:18:43
|
quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
My dad also says that his PhD thesis was really not very good. Yet he has gone on to have a successful career, and his research has improved over time. Right now you are mostly potential, and I think that can be a helpful way to look at it. This is not a peak, you'll go up from here.
Thanks for saying that, you really touched upon something right. Because I do feel this way in some part of my mind, and I need to give this thought more attention rather than repeatedly obsessing over the negatives, which who knows, may only be in my mind.
|
|
|
|
tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 03/15/2007 : 09:49:55
|
Good job NDB!
That's doing your TMS work. You are facing your problems head-on--instead of developing a psychosomatic symptom to hide behind, conveniently allowing you to ignore them.
Somethings you wil be able to do something about them and change or at least attempt to. Other issues you may have to accept as out of your abilities to do something about.
Facing the issues will help your self-esteem at the end of the day and you will sleep better, knowing you tried. A TMS symptom will just keep you awake at night in pain.
Continue with the exercise, it will give you the mindbody strength to do what you have to do. In yoga, the poses are not an end in themselves. Their puropose is to prepare the mindbody for the rigors of meditation.
Regards,
tt |
|
|
|
ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 03/15/2007 : 16:31:31
|
TT, thanks for the encouragement.
Its certainly clear to me that my mind is spooked about the changes going on in my life. While a student, I could comfortably forget that there are decisions about how to live one's life which have to made. Either, as you say, one does something differently or one comes to terms with it. And both are a big change from just pushing it to the back of your mind and trying to ignore it. But we have to persevere!
Also a good point about this process itself being good for self-esteem. The mind isn't frightened about confronting these things without reason and I do feel good that I am trying.
ndb |
|
|
|
ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 03/15/2007 : 21:09:54
|
I just had a small epiphany.
I am so angry that I spent my entire youth (from 17 to 27) doing nothing but studying. On the one hand I love what I do and am glad of how I pursued it and put effort into it. But now I feel that I hardly noticed and some of my most energetic years (when other people are having fun, traveling and trying out different things and ways to live) are *gone*. So I think that is why its especially galling to realize I am not necessarily one of the best, even in my chosen field.
Also, the reason I complain of 'not being the best' etc., I realized is not so much about envy or comparing to others, though that is there, but more the following:
Its the difference between having appreciation for the beauty of a mathematical proof, and the experience of creating the same proof. The anger and sadness in me come from the thoughts that I won't have the experience of creating something as great as the things which I know are possible, the things which I can appreciate. And maybe the way to deal with this is not to feel forever angry, sad and impotent, but rather to strive towards it if I value it so much, and remain hopeful. |
Edited by - ndb on 03/15/2007 21:32:34 |
|
|
|
armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 03/15/2007 : 21:58:42
|
ndb, I feel similarly about my excessive focus on academics from about 14-25.
I guess I am trying to remedy it now by developing other parts of myself. Maybe it would help if you make plans to do that in the present or future?
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
|
|
|
shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 03/16/2007 : 12:07:26
|
The lure of academic success is like politicians, it makes a lot of promises that it never intends on keeping.
*************
Sarno-ize it!
************* |
|
|
|
ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 03/17/2007 : 07:51:00
|
quote:
Originally posted by armchairlinguist
ndb, I feel similarly about my excessive focus on academics from about 14-25.
I guess I am trying to remedy it now by developing other parts of myself. Maybe it would help if you make plans to do that in the present or future?
--
Wherever you go, there you are.
Yup, that's partly why I'm trying hard to stay with taekwondo. I've realized there won't ever be a time when I won't feel too busy, so I'll never end up doing anything unless I stretch the time I have to fit things in. |
|
|
|
ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 03/17/2007 : 07:52:17
|
quote:
Originally posted by shawnsmith
The lure of academic success is like politicians, it makes a lot of promises that it never intends on keeping.
I haven't heard that view often. Are you speaking from experience?
ndb |
|
|
|
armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 03/17/2007 : 09:16:53
|
Yes, it's too easy to excuse ourselves from many of life's important activities by saying we're too busy. I try to remember when I say that that what I really mean is that I'm choosing to spend my time on whatever it is, rather than on the things I am "too busy" for. Because ultimately we do have the choice, and knowing that gives us the power to make better ones.
--
Wherever you go, there you are. |
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
Trying to deal with knee pain by journalling
