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art
1903 Posts |
 Posted - 04/02/2007 : 12:45:25
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I haven't slept an entire night through in 20 years....I might fall asleep as early as 9 or 10 o'clock while reading, then wake up at 11 and be so not sleepy that I'll get up and watch tv or get on the computer or something,..From there it's catch as catch can...Sleep an hour or two, be awake for an hour or two....Some mornings I'll give up as early as 5 a.m., other times I'll fall asleep at 4 or so and sleep right through till 7....
Assuming all these details haven't put the most insomniac of readers to sleep, I just give them to lend support to the idea that there's no one "right" way to sleep in my experience...Some nights I might get 7 hours or so, some nights 5....But whatever it is, I generally feel I've had enough shut-eye...
The main thing is not to worry about it...I'm not surprised that Suz had that reaction to the book...My experience with books that are supposed to help you sleep, or deal better with anxiety or whatever, is they generally make me worse by drawing my attention to the problem even more... |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 04/02/2007 : 15:16:47
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You hit the nail on the head, Art. I became completely obssessed. My ex boyfriend actually gave my insomnia as one of the reasons he dumped me - that along with having an emotional relationship with my mum and taking my job too seriously. As I became more and more worried about insomnia in the relationship, it got worse. I now know that the insomnia was a distraction from trying to be perfect in the relationship. I think I instinctively knew that we were not a great match. We were so compatible from a personality perspective but I paid for everything (did this with ex fiance)and this guy did not have his career in place - just finishing law school.
Hmm - don't know why I am talking about relationship - my point is that the insomnia started when I started dating him. I was obssessed with being a good and perfect girlfriend. Our pasts were very different - I have been married and have been through alot and I think this guy had only had one or maybe 2 girlfriends before me. He was very religious (which quite frankly means nothing if you treat the person poorly) and I was so impressed by this. My faith is important to me. I constantly felt that I had to prove myself and make up for my "checkered" past. I realize now that thsi was absurd and must come from low self-esteem. i intend to explore this with the therapist. Also, the insomnia got worse after he left me because the rejection was so awfully painful. The way he did it was rough. He asked me for 5 weeks so he could explore the priesthood. Then he called me on an agreed date and told me I had all these problems. (insomnia, too serious job) I realize that the priest thing was a cover. I could not believe it. I had spent the last 5 weeks praying and hoping that he would choose me over the priesthood. The guy was just too scared to break up with me.
Phew!! I am sure that is quite boring info for people. Not sure why I vented really |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 04/02/2007 : 15:35:41
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Suz,
Your venting didn't bore me at all! I am the Queen Ventress on here...:) I feel for you on many levels..I went through something similiar with an ex who I looked up to for spiritual inspiration..Without getting too personal, the bottom line is that the way in which he ended things was just awful..via email! He was from Canada and we were talking about marriage..He went back home telling me all was well, then chickened out and didn't have the guts to tell me face to face or even on the phone! He was not a spiritual man who walked the talk..I do my best to walk the talk in my path with God/Jesus..I try to think WWJD as often as I can, but, of course, i fall way short..Interestingly Dr. Scott Brady says that alot of his CHristian patients have a particularly hard time with TMS because they are goodists to the extreme..I am not saying that goodism doesn't run rampant in people of different belief systems..(don't want to upset anyone)..of course it does..I am just telling you I understand...
There is nothing worse then thinking everything is going to be okay and then WHAM! I feel for you..But I think it is a good thing you found out now b4 getting in deeper..Anyone who listed your insomnia as even one reason to leave you is surely not worth it! It's not like you want to have insomnia, for goodness sakes!
And his issue about your attachment to you mum is even worse! He should be happy about that! How I wish my parents were still around for me to be attached or emotionally close to! The whole thing about knowing deep down you weren't matched is a tough one too..I have been there..We just know deep down but are too attached to make a change...I hope you are sleeping better and better all the time!
Hugs and God bless you,
Karen |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 04/02/2007 : 15:54:19
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Thank you, Karen.
The shock was awful as he was very very affectionate with me right up until it happened - texting me how much he loved me. It was completely insane.
I think the worst thing to get over is the feeling of rejection and that I am not good enough and no one will want me. I think all this might be buried deep down inside of me - although I am not conscious of it. Something to do with my parent's divorce - I am sure the therapist will go to town with that.
I need to delete all his emails - he emailed me 4 or 5 times a day and I cannot seem to get the courage to do it - over an 8 month period, I have so many.
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 04/02/2007 : 17:09:01
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Suz,
Not boring in the least...My heart goes out to you...You deserve so much better than a free-loading, cowardly drunk. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, but strip it all away and that's what you've got...
Big, big point coming...Do not under any circumstances blame yourself...You're a good woman with much love to give, and you deserve all the happiness in the world..
As to the insomnia, classic vicious cycle...The more pressure you put on yourself to sleep, the less sleep you're going to get...The less sleep, the more pressure and anxiety...In two shakes of a lamb's tail voila, a full fledged case of insomnia...
EDit: Just to add...I've had lot of experience with these vicious cycles...They can be quite tough...but beatable...What works for me is disengagement..A few years ago I started to have a terrible time falling asleep when something that I perceived as important was coming up the next day...A job interview, a social engagement of some kind...It got so by the afternoon of the night before, I'd already be dreading bed time...I finally just gave up...Just threw the worry and anxiety right out the window by accepting the worst, which was that I very well might not get any sleep..Once I accepted this (and even without a wink of sleep we can get by just fine for one day), the problem began to go away..
For me, reading books on the subject, trying out this technique and that technique only increases the pressure and anxiety...
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Edited by - art on 04/02/2007 17:31:58 |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 04/02/2007 : 22:11:18
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Suz,
You sound soo much like me! I couldn't delete my ex's pages and pages of emails for over a year! I am sooo nostaligic and hate losses and fully letting go..I understand how you feel totally..And my ex was loving up til the end as well..My parents went through a terrible divorce when I was a teenager..I think it is part of the reason I haven't been married yet..I was engaged twice and broke it off once..I could have been married more then twice but blamed it on my career..(I was on the road singing, etc..not conducive to marriage and family)..I was devastated when my parents divorced and it was the same year my first love and best friend, Dennis passed away suddenly..A real double whammy..I have had alot of those in my life as my parents passed away 5 months apart from one another, 17 years ago, even though they were both married to other people..These past events in our lives do play a big role in our feelings now..I went to therapy on and off several times and sometimes it feels like these issues are a bottomless pit..how do we know when we really have healed them??
Hugs,
Karen |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2007 : 08:27:36
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(Found this on beliefnet.com) Hope it helps anyone who has sleep difficulties..:))
Natural Tips for Better Sleep
by Mary Calvagna
First you try opening the window, and toss and turn for a while. Then you get up and shut it. Maybe the pillow isn't fluffy enough, so you fluff it. You can't stop thinking about work and all the things you have to get done tomorrow. You fluff the pillow again. You roll onto your back, and then onto your stomach, and then return to your back. Fluff the pillow one more time. Lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, you realize that, once again, you are not going to get any sleep tonight.
Why Do We Need Sleep?
During sleep, the body repairs and revitalizes itself . In addition, sleep is important for proper functioning of the immune system and the nervous system.
Lack of sleep can result in:
Increased stress
Impaired memory
Shortened temper
Lower motivation
Slower reflexes
More mistakes
Increased risk of illness
But a good night of sleep can be elusive. A survey conducted by the National Sleep Foundation found that 60% of adults have problems falling asleep at least a few nights a week.
Ten Tips for Better Sleep
Before reaching for an over-the-counter sleep aid, try these natural tips from the Better Sleep Council to help you get a good night's sleep.
Keep regular hours
Try to go to bed at the same time each night and wake up at the same time each morning, even on weekends.
Develop a sleep ritual
Whether it is to take a hot bath, have a cup of herbal tea, or read a book, doing the same things each night just before bed cues your body to settle down for the night.
Exercise regularly
This can help to relieve tension. But be careful not to exercise too close to bedtime or you may have a hard time falling asleep.
Cut down on stimulants
Consuming stimulants, such as caffeine, in the evening interferes with falling asleep and prevents deep sleep. Instead, have a cup of herbal tea, which is noncaffeinated, before bed.
Don't smoke
Smokers tend to take longer to fall asleep, awaken more often, and experience disrupted, fragmented sleep.
Drink alcohol in moderation
You may fall asleep faster, but drinking alcohol shortly before bedtime interrupts and fragments sleep, leading to poor quality sleep.
Unwind early in the evening
Deal with worries and distractions several hours before going to bed. Make a list of things you need to do tomorrow, so you won't think about them all night. Try relaxation exercises, like slow rhythmic breathing, once in bed.
Sleep on a comfortable, supportive mattress and foundation
It's difficult to get deep, restful sleep on a bed that's too small, too soft, or too hard.
Create a restful sleep environment
A dark, quiet room is more conducive to sleep. Sudden, loud noises or bright lights can disrupt sleep. A room that is too hot or too cold can disturb sleep as well. The ideal bedroom temperature is between 60 and 65 degrees Fahrenheit.
Make sleep a priority
Say "yes" to sleep even when you're tempted to stay up late. You'll feel healthier, refreshed, and ready to take on the day.
In addition, restrict the number of activities you do in bed. Your bed should not become a place for watching TV, eating food, or doing work. It should be a place to sleep and perhaps, if you’re not alone, one other activity.
RESOURCES:
Better Sleep Council
http://www.bettersleep.org
National Sleep Foundation
http://www.sleepfoundation.org
God bless,
Karen
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2007 : 08:42:21
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Thanks guys.
I did it - deleted all emails. Yeah!!! Now it is time for a new start. You are right, Art, - the guy was a complete coward and I deserve alot better - everyone does. I was torturing myself reading over all the affectionate emails he was sending me right up until the end. I heard on the grapevine that friends saw him in church a few weeks ago (goes to a different one than me - thank God)and he apparently looks absolutely awful - really depressed. Little demon in me thought - good - you deserve it. You treated me like crap.
Time to move on.
I am still slightly obsessing over the insomnia - thanks Art for your really really good advice. I think reading the Divided Mind is helping a great deal as well. I intend to read a little each night. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2007 : 10:22:19
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| Good for you, Suz!! It feels great, doesn't it?...liberating! Isn't it amazing how we think, when we are in love and it doesn't work out, that we will never find someone we love again..But we always do..Life goes on..:) |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2007 : 11:06:46
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| I really hope so, Karen. I don't want to be alone. I hope I meet someone new - no one who drinks too much, does not have a job and wants to move in with their mum and dad because they need their laundry done and want to be cooked for!! |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2007 : 12:22:31
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You will, Suz! I agree with Art, you are a lovely woman and deserve all the happiness in the world..I have made the mistake of staying in a relationship with someone who wasn't right for me and once it was with someone who drank too much..Now if I find out they have a drinking issue I run for the hills..We just have to be careful with the choices we make, extra careful when we are the sensitive type who gets emotionally involved quickly..You will heal from this and find love again! Keep thinking positively!
hugs,
Karen |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2007 : 12:35:44
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quote:
Originally posted by Singer_Artist
You will, Suz! I agree with Art, you are a lovely woman and deserve all the happiness in the world..I have made the mistake of staying in a relationship with someone who wasn't right for me and once it was with someone who drank too much..Now if I find out they have a drinking issue I run for the hills..We just have to be careful with the choices we make, extra careful when we are the sensitive type who gets emotionally involved quickly..You will heal from this and find love again! Keep thinking positively!
hugs,
Karen
All part of learning about life...it can be so difficult at times, seeing beyond the things we sometimes desperately want and need...Love and objectivity are seemingly mutually exclusive, which is why we so often end up with the wrong person..
Still and all, I'm a big believer in the voice within...I'm guessing that now that Suz looks back on things, there were alarms that went unheeded...God knows I've missed more than a few in my lifetime, probably set my share of them off as well...
In fact, scratch "probably"...Just ask my ex-wife who married me despite my drinking so much..
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Edited by - art on 04/03/2007 12:36:59 |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2007 : 14:41:20
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I completely agree with that voice within, Art. I had alot of niggling doubts when it came to how young his friends were and that they all drink really really heavily. I have nothing against drinking but at 36 years old, it was hard to go out with my boyfriend (who is 30)and watch him and his friends do shots constantly. He loved to go out with his 21 year old sister. He would look over at me and basically ask permission to do a shot. it was ridiculous like I was his mother. Then he would drive home drunk but text me when he got there so i knew he was alright.
Also, I often paid for dinner or food we cooked. He was finishing law school so I kept justifying it to myself. He only took me out for dinner once in the whole year (I don't need anywhere fancy or anything)and then he spent $100 on wine for New Year's eve.
This is my fault for not realizing that these things showed real immaturity. I guess I wanted to get married so I tried to ignore everything. |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2007 : 14:45:43
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Karen,
That is such a good point - I am so sensitive that I do fall quite heavily - well, actually, this is the first time I have really fallen in love with someone. I was so overwhelmed by the feelings that I could not extricate myself when these doubts would creep into my head. |
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Littlebird
USA
391 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2007 : 16:27:51
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Hi Suz,
Just want to share a little of what I've learned (mostly the hard way) about love. Attraction and love are really biological processes, chemical reactions in our brains and bodies, which is why they can be so overwhelming at times, even when we have doubts about someone. It sounds like you will be much better off in the long run, once you get over the pain. There is someone more suitable out there, and you will find each other.
Our first experiences with love are with our parents, particularly Mom, and that early love is really kind of a selfish thing--we love this person because they take care of us and it makes us feel good. To some extent this continues to be part of what we feel in any romantic relationship, but for it to be a good relationship we need to also develop the more mature, self-sacrificing love that the parent feels for the child. Some potential partners seem to never quite get to that mature level of truly caring about the other person's needs enough for the relationship to be mutually satisfying.
But to really have a soul-mate kind of experience, even that mature love is not really enough. Once the biological processes of early love calm down and the mix of hormones changes, to be really satisfied in a relationship requires a good amount of compatibility on the emotional/mental levels. When people have the feeling of "settling" for a good enough relationship, it usually means that they have good compatibility on the everyday, practical matters, so they function together as life partners reasonably well, but if we don't get the mental/emotional compatibility we tend to always feel like something important is missing. Sometimes you see couples who have what seems like a very mismatched relationship because their everyday lives don't run smoothly, but they are so well connected with each other on the mental/emotional levels that it doesn't matter too much that they don't sync on the practical issues.
We must have a good sense of empathy for each other to be really close mentally/emotionally. If we can't relate to how the other person feels and thinks or they can't relate to how we feel and think, there is always going to be a big empty spot inside of us. It's the reason some people feel very lonely even when they're married. And that's one of the worst experiences in life.
There's a book I like that explains how to evaluate what you need on the mental and emotional levels, so that you know what to look for in a potential mate. It's called "Will Our Love Last?" by Sam R. Hamburg. He does a good job of explaining the different areas of compatibility that we need to connect on to be really satisfied with the relationship. Two other books that are very helpful in figuring out what you personally need in a relationship are John Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," and Susan Heitler's "The Power of Two."
There's some interesting information about the biological processes and some of the things that trigger that first attraction in the books "Social Intelligence," by Daniel Goleman and "Why We Love," by Helen Fisher. Being aware of how these biological processes are triggered by certain situations helps us to understand why we can feel so drawn to someone whom we know in our gut isn't really a good match for us. It also helps us have confidence that this process can occur many times over the course of our lives, so we don't need to feel like it's a now-or-never deal when we do realize that someone we're attracted to isn't all that compatible.
Look for someone who really understands your thoughts and feelings, and you'll have a much better relationship experience that will be satisfying for the rest of your life. I know it will happen for you!
Corey |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2007 : 16:37:01
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quote:
This is my fault for not realizing that these things showed real immaturity. I guess I wanted to get married so I tried to ignore everything.
I think "fault" is too harsh a word. It's easy to see things with the benefit of hindsight...We're all human...People of conscience and high ethical standards generally have the default assumption that other people are operating on the same moral plane. Good people are just not generally speaking, very suspicious..
Life often has a way of curing that all too painfully...
You've lived and you've learned...He did you a huge favor. You're still young Suz...Younger even than you think you are...Good things happen when you least expect them... |
Edited by - art on 04/03/2007 18:39:28 |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2007 : 17:54:59
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Oh Suz, you dodged a bullet there with that guy. I especially sympathize with the whole "Being really sweet right up until the dumping, and dumping like a coward" thing. Sorry you had to go through that. Congrats on deleting the emails and moving forward.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 04/04/2007 : 07:58:35
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We were so compatible from a personality perspective but I paid for everything
About compatibility...
I've read all those relationship books mentioned, but I read one called "Is He Mr. Right" which, despite a rather annoying title, is a very intelligent book. The author (can't remember name but Amazon will know) says it's NOT compatibility, it's CHEMISTRY, and THERE ARE FIVE KINDS. She cites numerous examples of relationships that are "compatible" (both birdwatching demorats, for example), but don't have the 5 chemistries and don't work, whereas if you have the 5, you don't need big compatibility...
Not just sexual chemistry but 4 other kinds too. She says if you don't have all 5, your relationship won't work. If I could remember what they are I would tell you, but when I read it, I felt it was true.
I was also broken up with suddenly and violently by my ex hub after 7 years during which I thought I was with my ultimate soulmate. I'm 3 years into recovery from this life disintegrator, and I can confirm! It's a stressor!! I've found that the death has been followed by resurrection and I feel more or less ready to be with someone again. I've been intending to heal all the way before I try to get a relationship to heal me, this time.
Good luck.
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 04/04/2007 : 08:11:08
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Corey,
What a great and interesting read on relationships. It is strange because I really felt John and I connected on that level. I opened up alot to him about my family and difficulties in my life. Unfortunately, he threw that back at me as a reason to break up with me. I felt quite horrified and betrayed. I also realize that he never really revealed much to me about himself. I think I had quite a false image of him and as the months went on things were revealed. I have learnt to be true to myself and not to try and be someone else in a relationship. I hated going out to all the bars with his young friends and thought we spent way too much time with his parents. I kept quiet because I wanted it to work so much. I also was worried about looking and dressing young enough for him. At the end of the 8 months, I started to stop pretending that I was ok with everything.
One of my closest guy friends said to me "Suzanna, to thine ownself to true". What a lesson I have learned!
Sorry that this has come off topic from the insomnia. I guess it has revealed some of my insecurities and perfectionist tendancies.
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 04/04/2007 : 11:06:18
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quote:
was also broken up with suddenly and violently by my ex hub after 7 years during which I thought I was with my ultimate soulmate. I'm 3 years into recovery from this life disintegrator, and I can confirm! It's a stressor!! I've found that the death has been followed by resurrection and I feel more or less ready to be with someone again. I've been intending to heal all the way before I try to get a relationship to heal me, this time.
I might be getting ready to put my foot in it yet again, but it has been my life experience that women are not as good as men at judging character...I'm one of those guys who's had lots of women friends, and it distresses me sometimes how gullible these very intelligent capable women can be...Time and time again I've had to stand by and watch a friend waste herself on a guy who I just knew was a jerk....How is it that it's often so obvious to me, and not to my female friend?
Here's an example from politics, which is always dangerous I acknowledge, but I'm already stepping way out on the tightrope high above the bigtop...No sense chickening out now and asking for a net..
Every guy I knew, even the liberals, understood that Bill Clinton was, for lack of a better word, a "cad"...We also knew eventually he'd prove it somehow...But my women friends, forget it...They simply couldn't see past the smarm..Even when the Monica story broke, they were still making excuses for the guy...
Interested in hearing opinions on this, especially from some of the women on the list, assuming they're still speaking to me. |
Edited by - art on 04/04/2007 11:08:25 |
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Still Insomnia/sleep problems
