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Paul
134 Posts |
 Posted - 01/27/2007 : 13:55:51
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I've posted here once before. I've had nearly 6+ years of rectal pain, rectal spasm, or "pelvic pain". Over the last few years, I've started to get really bad anxiety, panic, depression etc. I never had anxiety, panic or depression BEFORE this pain situation. It just sort of evolved in time.
2006 was a bad year for me...I got divorced because my wife felt "alone", etc. She had to deal with me over the years going all over the country trying to solve the pelvic pain problem. Also, I got more and more isolated from doing things with her because one, I didn't feel well and second, I was panicky. All my issues just took all my focus and I left her out and made her feel alone. :(
Second, I left my full-time job to work at home doing freelance work. I did this a month or two before my wife wanted to separate. Also, in the same year, my brother nearly died from his addictions, etc. and bipolarism.
So in a nutshell, I lost my wife, I lost my home, I switched jobs, I nearly lost a brother who is still having a hard time, and now I live all alone, work alone, and don't feel good enough to get out and socialize because of pain and fear, anxiety, etc.
I'm in a really bad rut. I wake up feeling very scared for some reason. Even driving or going out to eat with a friend causes me a ton of fear, etc. That general sense of "fear" and a gloomy, scary feeling hanging over me is the worst! Can anyone relate to that?
I'm not sure what to do. I've thought about moving back to my small home town where my parents still live. Not much there...but at least I would have the comfort of them being around. Right now I still live in the same town my wife and I have lived in and I feel like I'm just living in the past and feel "trapped"...I don't want to get out because I don't want to run into her out of pain (even though we do communicate via email every now and then and are friendly).
Life has never been so hard. There is NO doubt in my mind that the long pattern of chronic pain has had a dramatic effect on me emotionally over the years. Who wants to enjoy life when you don't feel well and it feels like you have a basketball on fire right up your ass! Sorry to be graphic...but that is what it feels like! That is due to trigger points and years of muscle spasm and tightness...nothing else has been found to be wrong.
I really, really don't want to take any meds. I've tried them briefly before for anxiety and pain...but I just never tolerate them well at all.
Thanks for listening...I just needed to vent. :( I just want to feel happy again and most of all, not have pain anymore. |
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dschid
USA
22 Posts |
Posted - 01/28/2007 : 09:57:14
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Edited by - dschid on 09/07/2009 16:02:42 |
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Paul
134 Posts |
Posted - 01/28/2007 : 18:10:40
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Thanks dschid, I appreciate your comments.
What I find SO frustrating is how having had this chronic pain for so many years it has robbed me of self-confidence, made me fearful to be social because of the fear of pain, and multiple other things it has done to me emotionally.
I know that pain feeds of fear and stress, and that pain stays present because of fear and stress. It is a horrible cycle.
Where I'm "stuck" is really believing this pain is TMS 100%.
Between the pain and the depression/anxiety/worry/lack of confidence and joy...I just feel like I've got such a huge weight on my shoulders that I just can't shed.
Any recommendations on how to break out of this life-sucking cycle?
I am seeing a therapist, but I think I'm going to start seeing him more often. If I could just shake this chronic pain, I think everything else emotionally would fall back into place. But maybe it is the other way around...I don't know.
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holly
USA
243 Posts |
Posted - 01/28/2007 : 18:51:25
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I really feel for you as I read your post. I see a therapest and it has made all the difference in the world! People seem to comment how calm I have become! Even the therapest see's a difference.
Paul life is too short to spend every minute so wrapped up in your pains. You need to break this cycle! You need more therapy. I am sure it would be worth it's weight in gold for you. Just get someone real good though!! Chill............ |
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dschid
USA
22 Posts |
Posted - 01/28/2007 : 22:30:45
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 01/29/2007 : 00:08:49
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Just want to say I feel for you.
And I used to think that "if I just didn't have this pain I wouldn't be so depressed."
Now I realize that it REALLY IS true that that was a displacement - a distraction. The real emotional pain was just yer basic childhood stuff, as in Sarno's list. I was angry at my father and I was angry at my mother and I was angry at my sister. How boring! Yet how many layers and how meaningful it all felt back then. Unfortunately it seems we sometimes need to go back and uncover this stuff to release the old feelings.
Maybe while you're looking for another therapist you could once again write the list Sarno suggests, of possible sources of rage in the various categories he suggests, and see what on that list has a red light blinking next to it - i.e. for example what unexplored stuff from your past holds within it a reservoir of old feelings that may have started all this. Then journal about it.
And look for a good therapist! A good therapist can get you to shift in a few sessions.
love and thoughts with you
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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Paul
134 Posts |
Posted - 01/29/2007 : 09:10:13
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Can someone please explain to me what makes a good therapist as far as TMS goes? Do they ask more questions and seek out hidden emotions?
I honestly think my main problems are personality ones...being shy, wanting to be liked, afraid of making a fool of myself, can be stubborn, over-analyzer and I worry and think a lot about "what if's". Basically, I live out of my mind way, way too much! I think that is why the book, "The Power of NOW" really resonated with me so much because he says that real happiness occurs when you don't live in the mind...but in this moment.
I hope someone can chime in on what makes a good therapist for TMS. |
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miche
Canada
283 Posts |
Posted - 01/29/2007 : 11:25:43
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Paul, I haven't been on this site for a long time, decided to have a peek today, hence your letter I can't ignore, so much of what you write echoes what happened to me, I lost my mom, husband ,house and job, all within a year,I was diagnosed with fibro, moved to the city away from family and friends , also this is the year when my youngest decided to go away to school.
I have come to the conclusion that the biggest factor for my anxiety at the time (and it was major anxiety, the kind you think will kill you if it doesn't abate) was my lost of identity.
My role as a motherhad changed, I was not a wife anymore, neither was I a daughter to my mom, the job was gone and I went from being a very active person to being too sore to even be able to function most of the time,I felt useless. I added to this stress by moving away to a strange part of the country where I was totally isolated from everyone.
You are going through a period of major loss, the stability in your life has been shaken, maybe going back to your roots and close to your family would bring you comfort and a sense of the familiar that is lacking in your life right now.
You state that the pain that you tried to solved put a distance between you and your wife, is it possible that the pain came from sensing at a subconscious level that there were trouble in the relationship before the pain started , something you tried to ignore at a conscious level.
I am not very helpful I know, however I wanted to tell you how I understand what you are going through and totally emphatise.
Don't give up, when you least expect it something good happens , I have experinced despair, it does not last forever, seek help and comfort any way you can and explore what emotions are contributing to your pain.
Take care, Miche |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 01/29/2007 : 11:50:04
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quote:
I honestly think my main problems are personality ones...being shy, wanting to be liked, afraid of making a fool of myself, can be stubborn, over-analyzer and I worry and think a lot about "what if's".
Paul, from reading your thread this really jumped out at me. Sarno says that our inner child can be very angered from self-criticism. If you are constantly criticizing yourself for being the way you are, it is possible that some of your rage is from this self-criticism.
Another related question is where did this self-criticism come from? Often it comes from the family or from the peer group we were in when we were young, and that means that there is also rage at those who helped to make us this way.
Maybe if you look into this a bit, it will help to give you some respite as you look for a therapist.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Paul
134 Posts |
Posted - 01/29/2007 : 12:40:00
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Miche and armchairlinguist,
Thank you BOTH for your great posts...both were really great to read and made my day! I just wanted to say thank you very much for your comments.
Miche, your comment about loss of identity is right on. I don't even know who I am anymore, what I want anymore or even feel like wanting anymore, etc. Just total confusion really. Then there is a part of me that wants to get on the "other side" of all this pain and sadness RIGHT NOW...so I try to think my way out of it...I struggle with it...I fight it...and it just wears me down even more. Time is my only real ally...and acceptance of what is.
armchairlinguist, I have no idea why I'm so self-critical. I can remember myself being this way all my life. I was the 5th child of the family (the youngest) and I never had any issues with my parents...they are and were the most loving people ever. If anything, I was spoiled and they did TOO MUCH for me. That is the only thing I can think of to pinpoint that may be why I have lower self-esteem. I'm just guessing on that though.
Lots to think about, but for now, thinking is just tiring me.
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Littlebird
USA
391 Posts |
Posted - 01/29/2007 : 13:35:27
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Hi Paul,
Thought I'd share something I read in The Divided Mind about the type of therapy expected to be most useful in TMS. I haven't been to a therapist since learning about TMS, so I'm not speaking from experience.
On page 296 of the book, in the chapter written by Dr. James Rochelle, the doctor mentions recommending that a patient have "insight physchotherapy" rather than "cognitive behavioral therapy." He explains that very strong emotions require deeper exploration than the superficial, cognitive approach. As I understand it, the aim of cognitive therapy is to identify thinking that is ineffective and replace it with thinking that allows the patient to function better, but it doesn't really explore the sources of the ineffective thoughts in depth. Apparently patients with TMS tend to make better progress through doing that in depth exploration of their feelings, even though they may never actually identify the exact things that are going on in their unconscious mind.
The goal, according to Dr. Douglas Hoffman, on page 328 of TDM, is to acknowledge that painful, unpleasant, often threatening emotions exist, not necessarily to change them. He also says that we have to come to terms with our genuine self, both the parts we like and the parts we don't like. So it would seem that working with a therapist who can help a person explore his own personality would probably be useful.
When I went through a divorce, in my mid-twenties, I had the same sense of losing my identity that you and Miche have mentioned. Like you, I knew that time would help my pain, but I was impatient--I used to wish I could just sleep through the next two years and wake up happy again. I had difficulty working and quit a number of jobs, but then I found one I enjoyed more and that helped me get on with my life and stop feeling so overwhelmed by emotional pain. That involved leaving the town where I'd lived with my former husband. It was the town where I'd grown up, so I left my family behind too, but they weren't really a source of emotional support for me anyway. It's hard to know just what choices will be best to help you heal, but what helped me was to not expect myself to make perfect decisions. I allowed myself to try things and if they didn't feel right then to bail out and try something else. I actually got over some of my perfectionism in the process. Perfectionism can be so paralyzing.
I wish you well in your journey to emotional and physical well-being.
Corey
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miche
Canada
283 Posts |
Posted - 01/29/2007 : 20:58:55
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Paul,there was a time when I could barely function from the anxiety that plagued me, the muscle spasms in my upper back and shoulder took my breath away, it is very scary to live alone when one is so anxious, a few times I sat in the parking lot of the hospital thinking that were I to have a heart attack at least I would be close to help, I realised after a while that I was forever holding my breath, as a way of bracing against the pain and the fear, eventually I hyperventilated and that alone sent me into a full blown panic attack.
I am anti meds also, I still do not take any pain medication, however I got a mild anxiety med to get me over the hump back then , it helped relax my muscles and got me some needed sleep, once I calmed down enough I was able to look for solutions, maybe you could get help from an anxiety support group, local hospital usually have them.
I encourage you to get some help for your anxiety, hard to find your way out of pain when you are consumed with this kind of emotional pain
Believe me it won't last forever, I also remember not wanting to die but wanting to go into a long sleep so I would not feel the anxiety anymore. Eventually things got better and I was able to make changes that would hepl me function better, I fell in love again, I MOVED AGAIN , I still suffer from fibro, I am more and more certain that my muscles are still holding fear and pain, it is almost as if they have a memory of their own and remember events that I have forgotten at a conscious level, hence the total body bracing when I get stressed out,or live something close to what happened before, difference is now that I am more aware and recognise it for what it is .
I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THE KIND OF PHYSICAL PAIN THAT YOU ARE IN ,I DON'T KNOW IF THIS WOULD FALL UNDER TMS, have you been told that it could be? If not maybe you still have not seen the right doctor and should pursue this avenue longer, insist on yet another specialist, whatever you do hang in there buddy, remember the old cliche, when one door closes you have to look for the window, or something to that effect, I am French and often have my proverbs backward among other things |
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wrldtrv
666 Posts |
Posted - 01/29/2007 : 23:43:28
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Paul,
I've definitely been where you are mentally (more than once) and so I think I can relate to what you are going through. I agree with all those who have suggested therapy as that has been helpful for me in the past. But one thing not mentioned, which I have found to be a great comfort, is mindfulness meditation. I find that during the times I force myself to sit down and do it; do it on a regular basis, I feel calmer, more grounded. The best thing about it is that it gives you a mental vacation from yourself, your problems, by transfering your attention from you to something else. You become the neutral observer; of your breath, random thoughts, bodily sensations, external sounds...
I have found that meditation, unless you are very disciplined, is best done in a group setting if you can find one in your area. I know meditation works, but foolishly, I often wait until I'm in a crisis situation to get back to it. Hope this helps. |
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carbar
USA
227 Posts |
Posted - 01/30/2007 : 07:07:59
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acl, the same quote jumped out at me.
quote:
Originally posted by Paul
I honestly think my main problems are personality ones...being shy, wanting to be liked, afraid of making a fool of myself, can be stubborn, over-analyzer and I worry and think a lot about "what if's". Basically, I live out of my mind way, way too much!
Paul, these are criticisms many folk have about themselves. It sounds like you are down on yourself for thinking a lot, but it's going to help you in accepting the TMS diagnosis and putting it into action. Stopping the cycle of pain is all about changing the way you think about the pain. You can do it! Keep reading the books.
Seeing a therapist has helped me a lot. At first I wasn't sure my therapist was really helping me. I was almost ready to give up, and then I told my therapist that I had these doubts, and it really improved the whole relationship. I was able to start determining WHAT I discussed and my therapist started keeping me focused on uncovering the emotions, rather than letting me talk in anxious circles.
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 01/31/2007 : 17:05:41
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Paul, I wanted to second the comments made by Armchair and Littlebird.
While you are looking for a therapist to help you with this I would also recommend you get to the business of journaling to try and focus yourself inward and possibly discover something about your hidden feelings. Start with the people that are closest to you which usually means your family. Start writing about all of the hurts you can think of and let yourself write about whatever comes to mind. Don't judge yourself or feel guilty about anything you write. See if you have any feelings come up and then relate the feeling to what you are writing about. Then ask yourself why you have that feeling. I like to call this process following the feelings. If nothing comes up then move on to something else. Over time you will start to have better definition of the characteristics of your own hurt.
If you start to feel anything like sadness or anger then just let yourself have the feeling and keep your thinking head out of it. Do some journaling every day and see what comes up for you. If you find a therapist you can also share with the therapist something you wrote and caused stirred feelings. This can be very powerful for healing.
I have personally benefited from inner child work so you can check that out if you want.
Lastly I would recommend that you have patience with this. You are on a process that takes as long as it takes. Just do the work and keep the faith that you will get better. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 01/31/2007 : 17:37:30
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Hi Paul, glad I was able to help. A lot of the traits you describe I also have (they are all pretty much classic TMS personality, I think!) so I can relate very much.
I want to note again that I think that our self-criticism can also come from times later in our lives, with friends or esp. the peer group. (I also found that feelings of loss generated when I was an adult or nearly had a much deeper and more primitive aspect than I realized.) While my family environment definitely set me up to be self-critical, it was also difficulty being accepted/popular with peers that helped to reinforce it. (I also told myself I did not want to be popular. This was true to some extent, but I really would have liked to be able to comfortable joining groups of people I enjoyed hanging out with, bonding with them and expressing myself to them, which I wasn't really very good at.) Shyness is a major obstacle and a lot of it seems to be genetic. Generally both family and peer group encourage a child not to be shy and at least for me, I came to see myself as having a big deficit in this area and criticizing myself for it a lot, which made it even worse!
Also, I didn't realize some of the nature of my home environment until I had examined it more fully, so it's always worth checking that out and seeing if the unconscious and the conscious have the same opinions about what happened. For me, re-examining some old family stories about my childhood, from the child's perspective to see if those emotions were validated (usually not), was really helpful. This might or might not be the right approach for you though.
I have had a lot of luck doing inner child work, like miehsnor and I think miche have. Mostly in being accepting of and soothing toward the feelings that I have in my child self. It has made a big difference in how comfortable and confident I am (major decreases in anxiety/worry/shyness) to give myself this message that I have feelings and I have flaws but I am still okay.
You're on the right track. And you're okay, too. We all are. You'll get there. 
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 00:23:54
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Paul,
I am so sorry to hear this, I feel for you..Fear is the most difficult emotion, I believe, next to loneliness..Have you tried prayer and meditation..? I need to take my own advice! I will keep you in prayer!
Be well,
Karen |
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Paul
134 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 10:45:45
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Here is the thing...my everyday life consists of the rectal pain/tightness which creates inner tension, anxiety, and of course anger at the pain. I get SO mad inside about it because of what it is doing to me, how it is sucking my life away from me, and creating so much fear and anxiety.
Why the fear? I don't know when it is going to hurt really bad so this creates avoidance of many things for me...hanging with friends, etc. This isn't a type of physical problem you want to share...it is downright embarrising.
I just don't understand why some people I see that are REALLY stressed and uptight in their life don't have any physical problems ala TMS. Yet, I do.
I guess it is just hard for me to mentally accept that I can outthink this nasty subconscious clenching that is going on deep in the rectal area.
I really wish Carolyn (I think that was here name) could still post around here...I know she had the same thing I did and beat it. I can understand though why she doesn't read here anymore...she is moving forward with life.
Just a tough time for me right now...I'm not trying to be whining about me, me, me here. Just frustrated, that is all. I've dealt with this since college way back in 1996. It even affected my college years when I should of had a ton of fun...but I was held down due to pain. Do I hold RAGE against that, you bet. I hold a TON of rage at my pain, no doubt about it. |
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miche
Canada
283 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 11:53:20
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Levator Ani Syndrome: A Real Pain in the Butt!
This article is brought to you by D. Herren .
PAUL , PLEASE READ THIS ARTICLE
Levator ani syndrome is one cause of chronic pelvic pain. The typical symptoms of levator ani syndrome include rectal butt spasms, rectum pain and tightness, and a sensation of fullness. It is sometimes associated with proctalgia fugax, which is defined as a short, sharp pain in the rectum. Levator ani syndrome, on the other hand, tends to be more constant pain. The pain is located in the pelvic floor muscles in the rectum, mainly the levator ani muscle.
The root cause is pelvic floor muscle tension or myalgia. In simple terms, it is muscle knots in the internal walls of the rectum. These "knots" are usually referred to as trigger points. When these tiny knots are active, they can cause great pain and a sensation of tightness and burning in the rectal area. This is typical of levator ani syndrome.
Common Levator Ani Syndrome Symptoms
Rectal Pain and Burning
Rectal tightness and muscle spasm
What is the treatment for Levator Ani Syndrome?
The common types of treatment for levator ani syndrome are usually muscle relaxants, hot baths, and proper diet and exercise. In most cases, there is an underlying element of chronic stress and anxiety which causes these muscles to tighten up and spasm. This pelvic floor muscle tension causes pain and burning. In order for most cases of levator ani syndrome to be resolved, trigger point therapy or internal massage on the levator ani/rectal muscles can bring great relief. The treatment itself can be very painful, but the overall relief from treatment can be felt almost immediately.
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miche
Canada
283 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 12:17:36
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| Paul, one more thing, you should not beat yourself up about the fact that you react to stress with this pain in the butt,at least you recognise the problem as a reaction to stress and rage and so have a better chance at resolving the problem, others whom you may think have it all together could be on their way to develop heart disease, auto immune diseases, maybe cancer without being aware that their emotions are working against them. You must also look at all the people who are coping with drugs and alcohol, overeating etc, all in all , the fact that you were able to cope with this pain for so many years tells me that you are quite resilient and demonstrates your strenght of character,you should give yourself a pat on the back instead of putting yourself down. |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 02/01/2007 : 12:30:53
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Rage at the pain and how it's affected your life is absolutely appropriate. And maybe getting mad at it will help you to stop fearing it (since anger and fear are kind of opposite sides of our basic reactions to things we don't like).
Ultimately you will get your life back. But you need to get out of the anxiety/preoccupation with pain spiral somehow. Do you regularly recall and recenter on the basic Sarno points that the pain is harmless and will eventually go away if you keep re-focusing on the psychological and thus undermining its strategy?
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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I need some help...I'm scared
