| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
Logan
USA
203 Posts |
 Posted - 12/29/2006 : 23:02:15
|
Hi all!
Like many of you and the rest of the world I had a spot of family drama over the holidays. Won't go into massive details but the long and short of it is that my mother is bipolar and heavily medicated yet her symptoms are worsening.
She talks constantly and is something of a know-it-all while my father is so quiet as to seem catatonic at times. He's also an alcoholic who's recently relapsed after an inpatient rehab stint. That's not a problem for me per se. His drinking does not effect me. I live 7 hours away and when we speak on the phone it's friendly.
What is my problem is there was a blowout the day after turkey day when my mom got on my last nerve and my brother's in law by carping on my sister. It wasn't what she said but how she said it and we'd all been "stuffing" our irritation with her for two days at this point.
I lost my temper and told mom to stop picking on my sister. I didn't yell or insult her but my bro in law blew up and told her to "shut her f'ing mouth." It was ugly and I feel bad but at the same time I am so fed up with how my we're always tip toeing around my mom. My dad says we should "just let her go" but the rest of us aren't anesthetized by vodka, so it's easy for him to say that. :/
Since recovering from TMS - 3+ years pain free! - I've done well in recognizing when I feel angry. The hard part is trying to change how I deal with conflict and express that anger in a constructive way, especially with mom.
So I went to see a therapist at school - free bennie of working for a U, gotta love that - and she recommended I go to Al Anon.
I'm wondering if anyone here has had experience - good or bad - with Al Anon. The thing that makes me leery of AA is they seem almost cultish.
And I feel really angry just reading their website about blaming the disease and not the person. I feel angry at both my parents and for good reason. To me, and I could be ignorant, this "blame the disease" stuff seems like you're letting people off the hook, letting them get away with ****, which I already do too much of.
AA is also very geared towards detachment and forgiveness, which are not bad things in and of themselves. But if you are like me, a TMS'er, who suffered with fibro symptoms for four years because you were determined to be the "better person" and not let people "get to you," it seems dangerous to suppress or repress anger or grief.
Additionally, I'm agnostic and I know that the "higher power" element is loosely defined and supposedly not God with a capital G, but I wonder is that true?
Can I "work the steps" without undoing the year of work I did to recover from TMS and to get where I am today?
I'm leaning towards no but I'm curious. Maybe I could learn something and I don't want to reject it without knowing more.
Any thoughts or guidance anyone? |
|
|
Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 12/30/2006 : 01:24:32
|
I think you have an interesting point. I go to AlAnon sometimes. I love 12-step, and found it to be a place where I could really have my feelings just as they were without any disapproval or judgment, even though I didn't exactly fit a particular program.
I can understand the concern that a practice based on surrender might exacerbate a tendency to override one's feelings. Some people may do this in those programs, but as they say in the programs, it's "not our business" what they do. You can use the program as an adjunct to your TMS work. I do.
I remember a meeting in which the topic was "anger" and people shared in ways that I found quite clear and grounded. The shares are often about standing up for oneself and boundaries, but done in a way that doesn't lead to more abuse (and therefore more illness, later on, from guilt). It's all about personal integrity, and often when a person has done the steps, they feel so "clean inside" that they are more able to listen to what they are really feeling. Do you agree that a lot of why we repress the emotions is because we feel guilty even if we have really done nothing wrong?
AlAnon people tend to be TMS types, of course - goodists who are trying to fix the alcoholics in their lives - and many of them could perhaps use more help in fully owning their power and anger.
I think that you will actually find the raw emotion and realness quite helpful in getting into better touch with your emotions. I have found it so.
You can just take what you like and leave the rest.
Good luck with your experiments.
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
 |
|
|
HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 12/30/2006 : 09:00:14
|
Logan, I'm sorry to hear of your troubles.
I don't know much about Al Anon but Wavy's advice sounds good.
I've already recommended this book a couple of times to others and apologies for repeating myself, but I think "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall B. Rosenberg is a great book for learning to tune in to your needs and feelings and those of the people around us, and improving our communication as a result.
In our society we're not taught to express (or even acknowledge) our needs and feelings and a lot of misunderstandings result, because often what we say obscures what we are really needing and feeling.
I think learning to recognise then express our feelings is particularly relevant for people who have / had TMS.
More info here:
http://www.cnvc.org
Hilary N |
|
|
|
Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 12/30/2006 : 10:51:57
|
Thank you both for your input!
Hillary, I want to thank you for the web link. That is exactly what I've been looking for - a way to communicate with my parents that will lead me out of my patterns and out of the cycle of repression/suppression followed by a non-productive blow out.
Luckily for me, my school library has Dr. R's book and I was able to put a hold on it. I look forward to reading it.
I may or may not go to Al Anon - if I do I will let others here know if I found it to be helpful.
The therpist I saw recommended that I go with a personal friend of hers and thought that just being with others who are speaking honestly about their families might help. I'm sure many of us here on the site have felt or sometimes feel like everyone else's families are "normal" and "happy" while ours are not.
So just for that element alone, ALA might be beneficial.
Happy New Year! |
|
|
|
tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 12/30/2006 : 12:53:10
|
Hi Logan,
I'm wondering why the therapist at school couldn't help you more? Maybe all you would need would be a few sessions with her and that would be sufficient to resolve the situation with your mom. It sounds like she's passing the buck. But maybe she's the therapist for the entire campus and can't do one-on-one counseling and acts like a clearing house to refer to out-sources. Where's Lucy from Peanuts she used to have a therapy stand for 5 cents. |
|
|
|
Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 12/30/2006 : 18:30:33
|
Hi Tom,
If she hadn't been so generous about seeing me on short notice and offering to see me again quickly, you'd be right. ; )
At the time though I was in the midst of finals week - both my own and my students' - and so I told her I wanted to sort of shelf it and come back after the new year. |
|
|
|
vnwees
64 Posts |
Posted - 12/31/2006 : 09:17:16
|
Logan;
My experience is that Sarno and the 12 steps compliment one another. So much in life is subject to interpretaion. Take the wisdom and ideas you get from both. Focus on the similarities and what helps you. Ideas I used to think conflicted, I now see as making perfect sense. We change. Our view of things changes. I didn't blame my drinking on "the disease". I blamed everything on my mom! She was crazy. If it weren't for her, I'd be fine, happy, better, etc. The frustration and rage were intolerable. I didn't want to forgive her...why give her anything? She'd ruined me. But here I sit, 20 years in a 12 step program and with Sarno since 1998. Looking back I am so grateful to have had both. The big rage at my parents has been gone for several years. Yes, I still get scared, insecure and angry (and occasional pain/tms equivilant flare-ups). No, my life isn't perfect. But there is a peace inside of me now. There were many small changes over the years with a few Ah ha! moments as well. It's a slow but very rewarding process. You've accomplished so much with your 3 years of hard work. It is possible to be free from the past. Best of luck to you! Vicki |
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
Suspicious of Al Anon - Am I wrong?
