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vrampen78
USA
30 Posts |
 Posted - 12/19/2006 : 13:51:28
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There's something bothering me...and I'm not just saying it so that my subconscious "hears me" thinking psychological. I feel anxious and kind of 'down', my eye is twitching (since yesterday, but only at work), and my back is tight etc. etc. (point is I've got symptoms going on). I did journaling yesterday...about work. I've been feeling like there's all this pressure on me (I recently got a promotion) to be perfect and I just finished a project that practically killed me and I don't feel like I did a good enough job on it...I'm really close to the partner that reviews my work and I would freak out if he ripped me to shreds because of my work (which he never has). So, anyway I wrote about all of this yesterday in my journaling about how I'm afraid I'm not good enough and my work isn't perfect and that, out of nowhere, brought out tears in my because I remembered being made fun of when I was a kid in school and how I wasn't good enough and I had to bend over backwards to fit in. That hurt...I wasn't ready for that and I cried and cried.
So today I walked into my bosses office and he's reviewing that project...I'm tense, but there's gotta be something else that's bothering me. How do u guys get stuff out when you feel like there's something right there, but you can't put your finger on it? Or is it trial and error...just journal and journal and it'll come out as I go? I get really upset during my commute at night because of the moron's that are driving like idiots and not doing things right...all they do is create the congestion (if you live in SoCal and you've done the 405 or the 101 you know what I'm talking about...these are the freeways I mostly drive). But I'm yelling and I'm pissed while I'm driving what am I repressing if I'm getting it all out? In fact, it's like I'm two different people while driving I'm a real brat and aggressive (not driving dangerously in any way) and the out of the car Veronica is really nice, always smiling, and polite.
Anyway, I'd appreciate any advice. Thank you.
-Veronica |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 12/19/2006 : 14:06:05
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Hmmmm
Promotion in job
Don't feel like you did a good enough job
Freak out if work partner ripped you to shreds because of your work
Afraid you are not good enough and your work isn't perfect
Moron's that are driving like idiots
Can't think of anything that would be bothering you here.
If there is a movement in your symptoms or an increase in intensity it is actually a good sign that you are making progress. You are in the process of indentifying some of the major stressors in your life as well as personality traits which cause you to react to them in your own unique way (ie goodist, perfectionist, low self esteem, feeling like a fake etc). You are on a journey of self awareness and your brain does not like that so it fights back. You are in a battle with your brain and you can tell you are close to winning because your brain is fighting back. We have all been there Veronica so I think I can personally sense what you are feeling.
Keep in mind that there is a little child inside that resents life's pressures no matter how small they seem to be.
Keep journaling and see the symptoms for what they are- a nasty trick by your brain to keep you distracted- and that you are close to winning.
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 12/19/2006 : 14:07:10
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Sounds like you made a big breakthrough emotionally...congrats! Maybe you are having some symptoms now to prevent any more "breakthroughs" -- if it seemed scary and overwhelming.
As far as road rage, I believe road rage is false rage. It is projection of a dangerious real feeling (rage) on something personally irrelevant and "allowed" (stupid driving). I don't think being REALLY angry about driving helps us (though to the extent we are genuinely annoyed with it, repressing that doesn't help either). I have experienced cases where I got totally worked up about a road incident and could not calm down -- until I tried redirecting my rage to a person I thought I might be unconsciously angry with. Then even though I wasn't able to hold the rage for very long, it promptly simmered down and I didn't keep feeling like I wanted to go and kick a tree because I just could not deal with my anger for one second longer, which was what I felt before I tried redirecting.
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 12/19/2006 : 20:19:04
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I think this road rage vs Ms. Nice off the road is interesting. It is like there are two people living in the same body.
With the road rage you essentially remain anonymous without any fear of your latest victim ever finding out who you are. In addition, it seems to be "socially acceptable" by today's standards.
On the other hand you have to be Ms. Nice to those you work and live with everyday in order to survive and not drive everyone away. You are nice because you have to be nice in order to survive. You are not allowed to openly express your true inner feelings, and that's enraging. You are forced- as a matter of survival - to repress your true emotions. The unconscious you is sitting behind the wheel of a car all of the time and is as mad as hell but cannot do anything about it.
As a TMS type personality you want things to go exactly your way and become enraged on the inside when they don't. Work situations, traffic, etc. are beyond your control and you resent being placed in such a situation. Your narcisstic self is on the verge of explosion all of the time but all the world sees is a sunny smile and a pleasant disposition.
You have also set up standards for yourself that are impossible to achieve and this fits into your perfectionism as well as your low self esteem. When you fail to reach those impossible goals it confirms in your mind that you will never be good enough and so the vicious circle continues and generates copious amounts of internal rage. In addition, you crave validation from others but when they give it you don't believe them. When they don't give it this validates that you are no good.
How do I know all this stuff from a person I have never met? Because I am writing about myself also. |
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vrampen78
USA
30 Posts |
Posted - 12/19/2006 : 23:30:22
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OMG! You totally 'get' it. That is me...right on the dot. It's like you got inside my head and found out how I live everyday. Don't get me wrong it's not like I want to bite off everybody's head every minute of the day...I am nice I just don't like being the nice girl all the time...it's annoying...and nobody ever remembers the nice girl. So, yes I do have low self-esteem and rage. Does the journaling and the journey of self-awareness help with this? What has your experience been? Am I supposed to change myself?
-Veronica |
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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
Posted - 12/20/2006 : 02:27:49
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Oooh Shawnsmith and Armchair, you're gooood, especially this quote
"You are on a journey of self awareness and your brain does not like that so it fights back."
Yeah, I got today that my brain may be getting a bit panicked because I have really been making stupendous progress after 30 years' illness. So it set up this whole dental extravaganza I am going through to give me something to really distract me.
he he, got yer, brain! Yer busted. F***ck orf.
xxx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 12/20/2006 : 05:35:45
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Veronica,
Fortunately, as far as recovery from TMS is concerned, you do not have to change anything about yourself. The key is to become self-aware and establish the link between this inner tension and your outward symptoms. Always keep in mind that the symptoms are there to do one thing and one thing only- to distract you from what it taking place on the inside.
If you want to know my story then just lookat your own beacuse essentially all the stories send up being the same with variations in the details. |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 12/20/2006 : 21:27:27
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shawnsmith said: "If you want to know my story then just look at your own because essentially all the stories end up being the same with variations in the details."
I like that line, shawnsmith, alone it could replace about one half of the posts in the forum. -Stryder |
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johnnyg
USA
138 Posts |
Posted - 12/21/2006 : 07:42:01
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There was a time a while ago (2 or 3 years ago) when I had so much pent up rage my face twitched also. Incidentally, I also had road rage, but as others have pointed out, this is no different than blowing up in the checkout line when someone ahead of you writes a check. It is misplaced anger and there needs to be a safe outlet for it. The issue about being a different person in a car is separate from road rage--it seems as American as apple pie to become a "superman" or woman in your car. I don't mean that it is right to become an idiot because you're behind the wheel of a big atv or a hot corvette, but the insulation from the outside world provided by the vehicle gives us a sense of power sometimes. Makes us feel were invincible or even better than everyone else, which is dangerous to ourselves and others.
It sounds to me like your TMS therapy has brought up many angers and worries that you were previously distracted from. It may be time for some rage release techniques.
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 12/21/2006 : 11:54:15
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| Dr. Sarno, in TDM, writes about experiencing road rage himself; part of the human condition like TMS. |
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Ok, I need help...
