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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
 Posted - 12/18/2006 : 16:30:55
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The Perfection Trap
By Brian Creamer (e-mail: feedback-questions@successfullyspeaking.ca)
“Risk is Growth.” We’ve made that the motto of this club. And we chose that motto because that is what this club is about — risking and growing. The plain fact is, you cannot grow if you are not willing to risk. No pain. No gain.
And yet many of us are afraid to risk. Why?
A recent book by Roger & McWilliams entitled Do It! Let’s Get Off Our Butts gave the following answer. “A primary reason people don’t do new things is because they want to be able to do them perfectly — first time out. It’s completely irrational, impractical, not workable — and yet, it’s how most people run their lives.”
I find that a shocking statement. Especially because it happens to be true.
It’s not hard to figure out where such an unrealistic mindset comes from. From an early age, we are taught that we, and everything we do, must be perfect. Jane Fonda tells us how to have the perfect body. Martha Stewart tells us how to have the perfect home, serve perfect food and host perfect dinner parties. Dr. Phil tells us how we can have the perfect relationship and be perfect parents. Perfect, perfect, perfect. The list is endless.
It’s as if there’s this whole damnable perfection industry out there whose sole lot in life is to make us feel fat, ugly, stupid or inadequate.
I don’t know about you, but I fell into that whole perfection trap early on. As a kid, I decided that if I couldn’t do something — and do it well, first time out — I would simply refuse to do it at all. I reasoned at the time that this was the best way to avoid ridicule and embarrassment and failure.
Like sports. My brothers skated and played hockey. They were older, bigger and stronger and, quite literally, could skate circles around me. So I simply bowed out and hung up my skates.
That’s the sad thing about the perfection trap. If you fall into it, you lose. You lose out on life. You lose out on fun. You lose out on new experiences. You lose out on meeting new people and developing new friends. And, most importantly, you lose out on the opportunity to actualize your potential as a person.
I recently read a book by an author whose name escapes me, but it was called What Happy People Know. And you know one of the things happy people know? They know that they cannot allow themselves to be immobilized by fear. Fear of failure. Fear of ridicule. Fear of being less than perfect.
I said it earlier. You cannot grow if you are not willing to risk. And you cannot risk if you are wedded to the notion of perfection.
It took a while but, over time, that realization slowly percolated down to my consciousness. I remember one day actually realizing — like a light going off in my head — that it was OK to be less than perfect. Imagine.
And as I thought it through, I realized that not only was it OK to be less than perfect, but that I had a perfect right to be less than perfect. And from that day forward, I began to claim and assert that right. I began to consciously and deliberately do things knowing full well in advance that I would never be able to do them perfectly. And you know what? I can honestly
say that it has made a huge difference in my life.
I remember taking up snowboarding about five years ago. It looked like a lot of fun, even though I had never been on a snowboard in my life. I grew up on the Prairies! But I made a conscious decision that I would try it — that I would not deny myself this experience just because I wouldn’t be able to do it perfectly.
So I chose to enroll in snowboarding lessons. I remember telling myself, “OK. This is going to be humiliating.” But then I thought, “So what... bring it on.” Though you can imagine how I felt when my instructor showed up and she was all of 16.
But you know what? Within a lesson or two, I was crab walking down the hill. And then there is the moment of sheer bliss about four lessons in when you begin to link your turns. (Remember, part of the rush of snowboarding is that — unlike skiing — half the time you are going down the hill backwards. It is a total blast!) I defy anyone to not feel cool barrelling down a hill on a snowboard.
I’ve also reclaimed the right to ice skate and, today, regularly roller-blade. Last summer, I took up sailing and remember the thrill of getting my temporary certificate of sailing competency. (Though I think it should have been called a certificate of temporary sailing competency.)
I’m learning Spanish and guitar (though I don’t think you’re ready to hear me play quite yet). I’ve written and published a book. I’ve even tried my hand at hip-hop dancing.
All of these are new experiences I have grown tremendously
from. And all are experiences I never would have had if I had stayed mired in the mud of perfection.
Fellow Toastmasters, I am here today to say that perfection is a trap. And the perfection trap is a killer. It may temporarily shield you from humiliation and embarrassment, but it keeps you stuck and prevents you from growing. I wonder how many of us are stuck in that trap right here in Toastmasters — waiting until just the perfect time to deliver that perfect speech. Sitting there, waiting for all the perfect little pieces to fall perfectly into place.
All I can say is, be prepared to wait forever because the perfect time will never come. It will never come because there is no perfect time. There is only a succession of nows — like a constant river of opportunity flowing right before us. And the only issue is, at what point will you jump in and claim the personal growth that is your right and yours for the taking?
I believe it is our job — as your fellow club members — to make it as easy for you to jump into that river as soon as possible. And not just to stick your big toe in. But to jump in with both feet. And you know how we do that? By acknowledging and affirming your perfect right to be less than perfect. By creating an environment in which you feel safe to risk and explore yourself.
At the end of the day, it is much more important that you get up here and speak than it is to give a perfect speech. Why? Because public speaking is learned experientially. You learn it by doing it. And I don’t care how many books you read! (Though I can recommend a good one.)
And, don’t forget, when you speak, others learn from your example.
I shared with you a definition of the word ‘‘encourage’’ a couple of weeks ago, which I really liked. It means, quite simply, to “give courage” to. When you are up here risking yourself in all of your glorious imperfection, you “give courage to” everyone else in this room to do exactly the same. You empower them. You inspire them. They see in you the possibility of themselves. And that, as they used to say in the 60s, is “where it’s at.”
I’ve said it before, but if you are not up here speaking, you are not getting one tenth of one percent of the value you could be getting from this club… and you are robbing everyone here of the courage of your example.
So if it’s been a while since you’ve spoken — or perhaps you’ve never given a speech at all — ask yourself why. Are you mired in the mud of perfection? If so, scrape off your boots.
Maybe some of you feel you need more time or you’re not ready. To that I say, you are where you are and your learning will begin whenever you decide to jump in.
Maybe some of you feel a speech is too involved or takes too much time or work. To that I say, you can make your speech as light-hearted or as heavy-duty as you like. Ponder the existence of God and tell us how many angels can dance on the head of a pin if you like. Or just tell us why you like your iPOD or share with us your recipe for a kick-ass BBQ sauce. Some of you may even feel you have nothing important to say. To that I emphatically say, baloney! You have just as much to say as anybody in this room. You just don’t know it yet!
Fellow Toastmasters, I’d like to close simply by sharing my belief with you that the willingness to embrace imperfection — to give oneself permission to be less than perfect — is ultimately a powerful and radical act of self-love.
It tells people that we are committed to our personal growth and that we claim the right to that growth. It tells people that we will not be deterred by whatever limitations they happen to impose on themselves — or try to project onto us. It tells people that we are grounded as people and value and trust ourselves enough to be willing to take risks. (And what a wonderful example to set for others.)
I have a simple motto that I try to apply in my own life. And it is this: “Good enough is good enough.”
I would venture to suggest that 99.9% of the time that holds true. Sure there are those rare occasions when you want everything to be perfect — maybe your wedding day. Or you’re competing in Toastmaster International’s Speech Contest in California where you hope to be crowned World Champion of Public Speaking.
But most of the time, and in most things, good enough is good enough. And that is certainly true in this Toastmasters club. So if you are caught in the perfect trap, I want to encourage you to rethink your strategy. Make it your business to get up and speak. I guarantee that you, and the club, will be immeasurably richer for it.
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Brian Creamer is a frequent speaker and experienced speaking coach. He is a Distinguished Toastmaster (DTM) - Toastmaster International's highest level of recognition - and has served as President of several Toastmaster clubs.
He is also a Chapter member of the Canadian Association of Professional Speakers (CAPS).
He lives in Ottawa, Ontario - Canada |
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Alpha
Germany
43 Posts |
Posted - 12/19/2006 : 16:25:30
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Hey shawnsmith, thank you for sharing this wonderful speech.
I am also such an perfectionist but i admit, that calling yourself a perfectionist, is in reality just fear. Fear to just do it and always trying to prepare yourself as good as possible.
I really like the article and agree 100%.
I ve found a nice quotation to this topic in my collection, which i wanne share with you:
Do not wait; the time will never be just right. – Napoleon Hill
As you think, so shall you become. - Bruce Lee |
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shawnsmith
Czech Republic
2048 Posts |
Posted - 12/20/2006 : 12:27:12
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| Combine your perfectionism with your low self-esteem and you always come to the belief that you are not good any ANYTHING! Talk about enraging! |
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"The Perfection Trap" by Brian Creamer
