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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
 Posted - 12/11/2006 : 10:50:29
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Thanks all for the feedback on my anger post. I'm glad to hear that resonates for others too.
I definitely agree about visualization being really helpful. One night I was frustrated when going to bed, and so I thought of visualizing going on a rampage in Wal-Mart (I am not a fan of big-box stores so it seemed like a good place to go nuts). It was so fun and satisfying! I mentally destroyed cereal boxes, knocked over lamps, smashed checkout computers...
Lita, maybe you can imagine going to the restaurant and telling everyone off, throwing your horrible food at the wall, and smashing all the plates as everyone looks on, stunned, and your sisters-in-law are totally sheepish and intimidated. I'm even enjoying imagining it already. :-)
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Wherever you go, there you are. |
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LitaM
Canada
54 Posts |
Posted - 12/11/2006 : 17:00:03
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Hi,
I survived. It actually turned out ok. She hasn't changed, I just tried to not focus on how much I disliked her. I find journalling very helpful. Thanks everyone. |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 12/11/2006 : 23:48:26
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Lita,
I'm responding to your first post, I havn't actually read what other people have posted as I'm at work and don't have the time. However I did suffer from the exact same thing. I would wake from 3-6am with back pain. Sometimes severe, and then it would ease durrng the day. Read my post about my success, you'll get loads from it. What I think is happening is that you (and me) actually accept Sarno's theory, and when you're awake your conscious mind is "in charge" and has more control over the pain syndrome. however when you go to sleep your subconscious is in charge and that's when things go bad. You have all that anger/negativity stored in your mind and your conscious aint around to apply your Sarno "knowledge" cause it's off in la-la land sleeping. So......short point......you gotta release that bad stuff trapped in your mind. Allow your anger (or whatever) to flow through your body. Right now your anger account is full, you have to drain it and you'll find your pain will go.
Darko |
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LitaM
Canada
54 Posts |
Posted - 12/12/2006 : 09:38:01
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| Thanks Darko, I'll look for your post now. |
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LitaM
Canada
54 Posts |
Posted - 12/12/2006 : 09:57:55
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Darko, I read your post. I read it earlier this week and found it interesting. I wasn't aware that your pain was only at night. Not many people have the same problem as us. It is so annoying.
It looks like you are doing cognitive therapy work when you analyze your anger, it seems pretty similar.
So do you lie in bed at night and think about everything in the day that pissed you off? Or do you go back to things in the past?
This morning I awakened with a bad spasm, I am pissed at the moment at kids at my sons school. One of them took his snowpants and haven't brought them back, most of them don't care. So I will most likely have to fork out another $40 since Christmas holidays are approaching and they will be off school for two weeks. He doesn't have an extra pair, so he won't be able to ski over the holidays if it snows. Also my daughter will be turning 8 and she is such a sweet, shy kid. We are having a party for her but only a few kids are showing up. So that's why I awakened with such a bad spasm. I really try to ignore the pain and sleep some more, it just isn't possible, who can sleep while in pain?
I'll give your methods a try, what have I got to loose. Thanks for your advice. |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 12/13/2006 : 17:31:26
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Lita,
quote:
So do you lie in bed at night and think about everything in the day that pissed you off? quote:
Yes and No. I don't think about them on a superficial level, I just allow myself to be pissed off. You will never be able to identify all the things that piss you off during the day. So I just allow the anger, and don't worry what it's about. Also, big word for you here, that you need to get comfortable with......PERSPECTIVE! All those things you mentioned sound painful, yes, but what will getting angry do about it???
Kids are kids, and they don't understand, so the only person you are hurting is yourself, plus the kids don't understand why you're mad. Maybe if you try and explain why they shouldn't do what they do it could be better for YOU. Read and re-read my post until you get every part of it. Don't be angry in your head, be angry in your body, cause that's where the pain is stored. The ONLY thing you can change in every situation is YOUR attitude!!!! Use your head to change the way the way you 'see' things so as not to get so mad. However if you do get mad, feel it in your body, be ok with it. It takes practice, but remember, release your anger and change your perspective on things. |
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LitaM
Canada
54 Posts |
Posted - 12/14/2006 : 08:58:25
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Thanks Darko for the advice. I'm not angry at my son, I am angry at the kids that won't check at home for his pants, the lack of care in our society. Kids don't care and most parents don't care.
In Sarno's books he says that you shouldn't worry about changing your personality. You are suggesting to change your reaction to events in your life. Example for myself, I get annoyed very easily and others do not. So in a way you are saying to change your reaction to situations when my personality isn't just easy going.
The rest of what you are saying I get. Let your body feel the anger, since one can never can figure out your unconcious anger.
Thanks again. |
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alexis
USA
596 Posts |
Posted - 12/14/2006 : 09:15:34
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| I agree that changing your personality is not recommended and unlikely to be easy (I wouldn't say impossible, but out of the reach of many people, and likely to cause problems for many others). But some aspects that one might call "personality" can and do change with changes in knowledge. As perspective grows, ones anger at others decreases--but is that only conscious anger that is affected, leaving the subconscious anger hidden perhaps cuasing more problems? Is it possible that perspective is in some ways responsible for suppressing anger because you are more likely to realize it is irrational? I'm by no means recommending we avoid perspective, but just wondering if it might have some negative side effects? Do those of us who have learned to understand others too well no longer feel we have the right to be angry? |
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Littlebird
USA
391 Posts |
Posted - 12/14/2006 : 11:04:33
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"As perspective grows, ones anger at others decreases--but is that only conscious anger that is affected, leaving the subconscious anger hidden perhaps cuasing more problems? Is it possible that perspective is in some ways responsible for suppressing anger because you are more likely to realize it is irrational? I'm by no means recommending we avoid perspective, but just wondering if it might have some negative side effects? Do those of us who have learned to understand others too well no longer feel we have the right to be angry?"
Alexis, all of these questions you've asked explain perfectly the reason I developed TMS. I felt it wasn't reasonable to be angry at the people I loved because I understood and empathized with the reasons behind their hurtful actions. My parents had horrible childhoods, my husband and step-children had some very difficult experiences in their pasts also. I knew it would take a lot of time for the kids and me to develop loving feelings for each other and I knew that in the meantime it was added pressure to my husband if I complained about the children's outrageous behavior too much. I knew my husband had no idea how to be a responsible father because he didn't have anyone setting a good example for him when he was a kid. I also knew I shouldn't hold everyone else to the same perfectionistic standards that I had for myself. Every time someone disappointed, annoyed, upset or hurt me, I understood why and felt that being really angry at them would make me a bad and selfish person.
But my unconscious mind was looking out only for me. It was very angry. It's not that I didn't have any conscious anger or didn't express any of it. But the really selfish part of "how dare you people do this stuff to me?" got suppressed and repressed. The anger I felt at myself for getting into this family relationship was also suppressed. I knew I wanted to keep this family together, to have my son grow up with his father and half-siblings, and I truly loved my husband, so I decided it was counter-productive to allow myself to feel the really intense anger. I thought it was best to just push the feelings away and move forward. Actually there is still a lot of stuff from my life before this relationship that is still pushed away--I can't feel much of anything about those things yet because for so long I convinced myself it was best to just numb out those memories and move on.
But I've found that I can acknowledge those feelings of intense anger in my journal without letting them interfere with my relationships and that's what is healing me. I can continue to feel empathy towards my family's imperfect behaviors and at the same time allow the feelings of indignation and self-protection to exist and be recognized. By not suppressing all the "irrational" feelings I'm actually better able to cope with the behaviors of others that bother me. I'm also finding it much easier to bring up things that bother me, because I don't feel like I might overreact as I've occasionally done in the past. It's not an all or nothing anger dump anymore.
So I think that perspective is a good thing, but it's important to realize that just because we understand a person's motives that doesn't mean we shouldn't feel anger--the key is in what we do with the anger. It wouldn't make for good relationships to express everything we feel inside, but we need to acknowledge to ourselves that we do have those feelings and we need to learn to be ok with having those feelings. |
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LitaM
Canada
54 Posts |
Posted - 12/14/2006 : 11:42:46
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You know everyone I am really trying to stay positive about getting rid of my TMS. I am so discouraged. I totally believe in my mind that my pain is suppressed anger. I talk with my brain, journal when I can, tried feeling angry. Nothing is working.
It depresses me when I read case examples in Dr. Sarno's book, everyones pain seems to just go away. Every morning 6am, back pain, there is no possible way to ignore, nobody could. I am aware of conditioned response. I don't expect back pain, it is just there every morning. What do I do?
I feel like I can't do anything right at the moment. I feel like just giving up and accepting that my back may always hurt every morning I awaken. I have had this for at least 5-6 years. I feel as though I am going nowhere.
Thanks for letting me whine. |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 12/14/2006 : 16:18:28
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Lita!
I have struggled with exactly the same situation for about 5 years, and I'm doing very well now for about 2 months now. YES accept that you back hurts, that is your reality right now. Read The Journey and learn how to drop into your pain, it was this technique that allowed me to feel my anger. Twist the towel and get really mad when you do it, DON'T expect to do it once and have the pain go away. You need to do it everyday more than once, then you need to stop generating so much anger. I find it amazing that people would rather live with chronic pain then change themselves. Sarno is an excellent guide, bless the man, cause without him we would be in trouble. BUT that doesn't mean what he says is right for everyone! Do I advocate change in your personality???? YOU BET YOUR ARSE I DO! The word 'change' comes back to your 'perspective'. You change everyday when you learn things. So why is what I'm suggesting here so crazy?! Why do you want to hold on to the fact that you're an uptight person? (maybe you don't) Do you feel that this is a positive personality feature to have? Focus on how you feel about certain things, how your attitude or perspective makes you feel, and how you can improve this. The more your focus on your head and emotions, more importantly how you feel, the less you focus on your back...get it? You are stuck in a cycle and change maybe the only thing that helps you. If you have a fire and you try and but a cap over it, that's suppression. If you pour water onto the base, that's putting it out.
Look, Lita I have gone from being suicidal, to almost pain free with the stuff I'm telling you. I don't really care who you listen to, and I won't get emotional about people who disagree with me. However what you're doing right now isn't working and by the sound of your last email you have no idea what to do. Do what I'm suggesting, I promise you won't get more pain from it, and if it doesn't work try something else. Relax and give it a go, different things work for different people.
Yes, I'm saying change your reaction to things in life, but don't suppress your reaction. If you get mad, great, get mad. Then later think about why it made you mad and how you can not let that affect you next time. (change perspective on the situation)
Yes there is a large amount of "I don't care about you" in society so get over it. You just need to concern yourself with how you conduct yourself.
TMS is about personal growth, it has done GREAT things for me. What will it do for you???
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Edited by - Darko on 12/14/2006 16:21:00 |
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alexis
USA
596 Posts |
Posted - 12/14/2006 : 17:01:39
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| Thanks LittleBird. I can't really relate to your story and am very encouraged to hear that you've found a balance. I do think this forcing myself to be not only logically but emotionally objective has in some ways contributed to my difficulties. |
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LitaM
Canada
54 Posts |
Posted - 12/15/2006 : 11:43:37
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Thanks Darko,
Who is the author of The Journey? I agree with you about changing our reactions to situations. Reacting in a more healthier way can only be of benefit. It will be difficult for sure, I can't say that conciously changing my reactions will be easy. I wish it could be. I really appreciate your help. |
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Darko
Australia
387 Posts |
Posted - 12/15/2006 : 19:15:38
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| Brandon Bays |
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LitaM
Canada
54 Posts |
Posted - 12/16/2006 : 06:57:48
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| Thanks. |
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Early Morning TMS Only
