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Wavy Soul
USA
779 Posts |
 Posted - 10/01/2006 : 06:12:51
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Since I got "sick" and became a major "sickie" in 1976 (Wow!), I have been consistently shamed by people around me for having a fake illness. I tried repeatedly to believe it was a fake illness, but didn't have the right formula/it wasn't the right time/i needed the experience - whatever. (I think it's important to know that I needed the experience I was having and I now need this experience of healing - this also helps with not thinking everyone else should realize they have TMS).
When I was a little girl and used to have strong feelings, my mother would get angry. She was never allowed to have any feelings, so why should I? So they "somatized" at a young age. She then started calling me a "hypochondriac." She was doing her psychology degree (rats in mazes) at the time. The vibe of her calling me this was incredibly shaming. As far as I was experiencing it, as a young girl, I was suffering terribly from physical symptoms. Being accused of faking it didn't help, because it didn't give any help to the underlying problem - not being allowed to have feelings!
I think that in this case, the symptoms were very much a call for attention, a la Alice Miller, as well as a distraction. Because I had absolutely no way of knowing that I was repressing feelings. I would feel very sad a lot of the time though, but probably couldn't really feel the anger.
Throughout my life this pattern reiterated itself, as patterns do. Many people have accused me or gossiped behind my back insinuating the I am faking it, just doing it to be a professional victim, etc. etc. It's been a real bummer, and has led me to stop telling the truth about being in pain, in order to "please" those people, which has undoubtedly made me even angrier.
In communicating with "sickie" friends about TMS since my revelation (I am SO much better and convinced I will completely recover!), I notice the same kind of defensiveness I had, because of having been not believed but not helped either.
Anyone else want to talk/rant about this? It seems to have become a SECONDARY source of anger leading to a feedback loop of TMS for me.
Look forward to your rants!
xx
Love is the answer, whatever the question |
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ndb
209 Posts |
Posted - 10/01/2006 : 08:58:55
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Yup! I've totally felt like you.
First a rave though:
I had support from my parents, in the sense that they were very worried about the stress I've always been under because of academics and my 'worrying' nature. They would totally have been open to the idea of TMS HAD they had some way of knowing! I didn't always like the stuff they tried to force on me though...they would tell me to take long walks, try homeopathy etc etc. And they sort of wrongly would tell me to NOT get angry/ stressed about stuff because they thought my symptoms became worse if I did...but thats not their fault...and I thought the same way. Actually, though, my mother used to tell me to set my academic goals lower if I had to, because that is what caused all my stress....so that really sucked, not having support from her on that! On the other hand....when I didn't get into the top university I was trying to get into, and went to another university, she didn't talk to me about my academics for the 4 years that I went to college there! At least my dad was better about that. But they never did anything to make me feel my various symptoms were imagined.
Besides my parents, one professor in my department always took an interest in how my health was. I think it was because he also had chronic pain.
Now the rant:
The lack of support I most felt was from my friends, colleagues and advisors. It was already such source of rage that one unexplainable symptom after anpother would appear just as the last one seemed to have stopped wreaking havoc in my life. I didn't find any of these people willing to talk in detail about things that were worrying me. I once described some bad dizziness to my advisor, and he sort of chuckled about it, not meanly, but just surprised at all my different symptoms....but I wish his reaction had been different. I had to ask for time off (my plan was to take the summer off and rest my arms...even this they had trouble comprehending....why couldn't they just let me do what I felt was most likely to get me better) and my advisor actually told me ("nicely") that I should consider something else to pursue if I didn't get better soon..... I felt like I'd been hit in the stomach.
My RSI had been going on for a couple of months and made typing difficult, so when another student, my advisor and I had to type up a paper, I had to tell them I wouldn't be able to type any of it, but I would help with every other aspect. Though they were gracious about it (I think I was expecting more though, like they would offer on their own, since they knew typing was difficult for me), I think they definitely thought it was weird....very shaming for me. I spent the hours before the paper deadline hunched over a cushion, trying to sit as best as I could without pain in my back helping the other student while he typed up the paper. So humiliating!
As for friends....they could never understand why I refused invitations out to dinner in spite of telling them MANY times that my back hurt if I sat too long. I always felt that I had to keep reminding them of my situation, instead of them being understanding and concerned on their own. I would often be met with a subtle silence while I was talking about my symptoms...maybe they were bored of hearing about them, or maybe they thought my continually changing unexplainable syptoms were at least partly imaginary.
Oh..and I don't even want to get into the subject of what my boyfriends sister thought of him having to help me out with stuff when I was sick. *rolling eyes*
They probably HAVE come to the conclusion that they were imaginary now, because I just suddenly resumed all my activities, but they don't know about TMS...I don't have enough motivation to explain it all, with the risk that most of them will not even believe it. This is definitely a source of frustration for me...not being even able to explain how I got TOTALLY better...other than to just say 'I learned to manage my stress'.
nice topic, i needed to get that out,
ndb
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Edited by - ndb on 10/01/2006 12:32:01 |
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Shame about "fake" illness secret rage-source?
