| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
lobstershack
Australia
250 Posts |
 Posted - 09/08/2006 : 12:52:08
|
I shared a journal entry in therapy today. It was a very intense entry, focusing mainly on my sexuality and my intense dislike and inability to accept who I am as a person. It's pretty strong stuff and my therapist almost looked like she was welling up as I was reading. She asked me to stop and really try and let the emotions into the room. I tried but couldn't. I felt little twinges here and there, but that's about it.
That's not to say that I've not felt any emotion about this subject, in fact, I've cried a handful of times about it, but part of my feels like I let her - and myself - down with my emotional impotence. I am aware that you can't force yourself to feel emotions, yet part of me thinks that she expects me to wail histerically in front of her, something I may or may not do in my time with her. The whole experience left me a little depressed. I feel like I somehow failed and that I'll never be able to emote fully in front of her.
Seth |
Edited by - lobstershack on 09/08/2006 12:53:21 |
|
|
n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 13:22:59
|
That feeling of dislike and unacceptance of oneself is a hard nut to crack, Sean. Probably it seemed the only way to feel until you began to tackle all the issues around TMS.
I say that because I wasn't really aware that feelings of unworthiness had been at the core of my being for most of my life when I started therapy.. I'm not sure when I relaxed and began to change - I just know that all the reading, thinking and therapy did work. Give it time.
It's interesting you say that you felt you let the therapist down. At first, until I relaxed into it, I was giving the therapist what I thought she wanted to hear. A couple of months in, though, thoughts and emotions I hadn't realised were in me started to break through. It's not emotional impotence - you may never break down in front of her. I never did and I still got better.
Do you truly feel that your therapist has expectations of you, or is it that you are so used to thinking that you need to please everyone all the time? That was my experience anyway.
|
 |
|
|
h2oskier25
USA
395 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 14:44:14
|
quote:
That feeling of dislike and unacceptance of oneself is a hard nut to crack, Sean.
See! It's not just me. Don't know why we want to confuse Sean and Seth, but it seems to be inevitable.
Seth. I suppose when we're young, as you are, it's a lot harder to accept who we are as people. I know I hated the way I looked, felt stupid, etc. In my TMS journey, one of the first things I noticed, is I still had all of this self hatred. I went through life forcing myself to be who I wanted to be. I think it was when I started a little Mirror therapy that I began to really like the person I am, and to change into the person I am, instead of the person I wanted to be. By mirror therapy, I basically treated the little girl inside as she SHOULD have been treated by my parents. You know, "I love you", "You're beautiful", etc.
Can I ask why you don't like who you are as a person?
Beth |
Edited by - h2oskier25 on 09/08/2006 14:45:05 |
|
|
|
Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 15:38:27
|
Seth,
Sounds like you put so much pressure on yourself - even the fact that you don't cry when you "should" makes you feel like a failure. I am made the same way too. You know - my psychologist (who I am thinking of going to again) told me that i am very good at intellectualizing things and not feeling - the key is to let myself feel. I really believe that it takes time. I got very very good at repressing because in my family, you are not allowed to express anything negative. My father walks away and my mother looks wounded and shocked - although she is allowed to scream herself. Everyone in the family protects her. Consequently, I was the "bad" child for speaking up. I learnt to keep quiet. Unfortunately, the anger comes out in other ways - because it has to come out.
Don't be hard on yourself - it is so hard for men to cry -harder than for women. It all takes time. You don't need to live up to any ideal
I think you're doing a fabulous job. |
|
|
|
lobstershack
Australia
250 Posts |
Posted - 09/09/2006 : 22:00:30
|
It's comforting to know that others have felt this way too.
Funny that you should call me Sean, Anne, it's not all that uncommon. Usually the stated reason is that "I look like a Sean," but since you can't see me, I'm going to tumble for you and guess that both names sound similar to one another. : ]
I should be more supportive of myself; it's difficult though, especially when you're wired a certain way. What's important is that I'm marshalling through all this muck, and while most of the time it isn't easy, I know it's essential and for the best.
Beth, a lot of my not liking the person I am stems from being gay. Even though I've known I was gay for quite some time, and even after I came out a few years ago, I didn't realize I harbored these feelings. In fact, it's only recently that this was uncovered. It's difficult, and upsetting. I desperately want to love myself, and accept myself for who I am, but part of me sees it as very, very wrong. With this comes intense feelings of lonliness, or being an outcast and an overall feeling of being lost. As I mentioned before, I've definately gotten quite emotional a handful of times thinking about these things. I've cryed over them and everything. But for some reason part of me keeps saying I must cry more and get hysterical in front of my therapist on a weekly basis in order to get better. WHY IS THIS? It's so frustrating and I know it's most likely not true. I mean, yes crying scares me, embarasses me, makes me feel weak and inferior, but on the other hand, I'm beginning to realize it's normal and natural.
I somehow think this line of thinking is my brain's way of trying to keep me stuck in a groove. It's all very perplexing... I wish I could get over this, all it's doing is adding pressure, by setting up certain expectations that oftentimes are not met, making me feel bluesy and low.
Seth |
|
|
|
n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 09/11/2006 : 01:47:57
|
Hi Seth
Apologies for calling you Sean. Just before posting I'd been chatting to my neighbour and her little boy called Sean - I guess that's why that happened.
Have you accessed any support from gay organisations? I'm sure they have experience in dealing with what you are going through. |
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
Vacant
