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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
 Posted - 08/12/2006 : 00:01:47
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My life is about to change 360 degrees..It isn't just because I met this phenomenal man from NY, it is also because suddenly many opportunities have come up in my singing and my art career back East...Everything is drawing me back home to NY/NJ which is what I have been praying for for months...I am happy about it but also terrified on so many levels..I won't get into all of it or this will become a novel..One of the hardest things I am dealing with is an enormous internal conflict over leaving my roomie/best friend..We have been like a family for 9 years..He is like my true brother, the one I never had and I am his closest person emotionally in the world...He was crying his eyes out today over the thought of me leaving in a couple of months..THe guilt i am feeling is over the top..not to mention the rage and sadness..It's like my happiness equals his sorrow and pain..Too much pressure for one person to bare..I am not his wife, I am not his real sister and so he is placing impossible expectations on me as if i am responsible for his happiness..
What makes it doubly hard is that he has been an amazing friend to me all these years...We have had a wonderfully balanced give and take friendship...He is very shy and hates meeting new people..I am trying to get him onto some dating sites to find the family he really needs..He is resistant..I went through this with him 3 years ago when I wanted to move back..He begged me not to, got on some Lexapro and felt better...I didn't expect his reaction to be this bad AGAIN after 3 years..I love him dearly and it kills me to see him suffer..But..i also resent him for influencing me NOT to move back 3 years ago when I should have...By staying here I ended up dealing with several injuries, several acute bouts of TMS of which i am STILL climbing out of..He knows I have been miserable here and non functioning for months over the neck TMS and I was hoping I would get his blessings...
I am sad to leave him too, 9 yrs is a long time...So I am feeling sadness, FEAR, ANGER and GUILT with a big time capital G...I am still battling the neck and foot even on occasion..GOing to the gym and doing lower body and that is great...But the neck is very tight today and all these emotions are overwhelming me...I could even take his hand and comfort him when he fell apart..I sat there like a stone..I did talk to him with love but I am just feeling soooo drained by all of this...I said this wasn't going to be a novel and it is already too long...Just wanted to get some of your takes on this mess I find myself in...I don't want it to perpetuate the TMS and hold back my recovery..
Thanks and God bless,
Karen |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 08/12/2006 : 00:49:19
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| PS....the conflict inside is so intense...I feel for my roommate and it is natural for him to be saddened by my leaving soon...I love him like a brother but I feel SOOOOOOOO ANGRY at him as well! He has held me back b4, and yes...it is ultimately my responsibility ..i am a big girl..But the way he carries on and completely loses it makes me feel like he is sucking the very life force out of me..He is a fantastic person, overall but has MAJOR abandonment issues stemming in childhood...I am trying to get him to see a therapist again...I feel like a real sh*t for being cold and even angry toward him tonight after he returned from going for some drinks and then DRIVING! It is just so dangerous and irresponsible of him...I feel like he is going to torture me with his ups and downs about this til i finally move back..It's like a long drawn out ending..but i have no choice..I have to go back for some gigs during the holidays to raise the money to move...I have felt trapped here for 3 years and i am finally trying to do the right thing for ME! I am at a loss about what to do to make this easier on him and on me...It is just so hard...and I cannot afford added stress right now... |
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shari
USA
85 Posts |
Posted - 08/12/2006 : 08:14:29
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| Are you sure you're on the right forum (or am I on the wrong one)? |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 08/12/2006 : 14:46:45
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Shari,
My guess is with a sarcastic, passive-agressive comment like that, it is you who is on the wrong forum...Good luck, as even from your one sentence I can see you have alot of issues to work out... |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 08/12/2006 : 14:57:09
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If your main question is how to make it easier, the only sugggestion I have is to continue to be firm...
We're all responsible for our own lives and happiness...
You've got a black hole of neediness going on there that you simply must escape, or get sucked back in and die...
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 08/12/2006 : 20:15:03
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| Thanx Art...You are sooo right... |
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Nor
152 Posts |
Posted - 08/12/2006 : 20:47:01
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Karen,
You say that you are balanced and that you both give and take in the friendship. Yet a true friend would never "beg you not to leave" if you really wanted to. Sounds like you are being manipulated big time. You are not responsible for his happiness, only your own.
Nor |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 08/13/2006 : 07:47:14
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Thanx Nor,
You make perfect sense..I don't even think he is truly upset about me,,but instead upset about something I am triggering from his childhood...in other words...abandonment issues...You are right, it's not my responsibility no matter how great of a friend he has been to me.. |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 08/13/2006 : 09:33:34
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You can't really change your personality, so you need to accept that you will always be a goodist.
You can, however, recognize when those goodist tendencies are responsible for certain feelings, and accept that those feelings are not rational. Nevertheless try to feel them. Feel the guilt. Feel the anger. Allow yourself to be angry at him. Punch a pillow and make believe you are punching him in the gut because you are so pissed off that he is adding this unnecessary stress to your life.
Accept these feelings, experience them, explore their roots in your own personality and history. Then move on. Do not allow them to affect your decisions. First and foremost you need to take care of yourself.
Who knows, maybe this has been festering in your unconscious for months and is one of the main ingredients of the TMS symptoms.
Life takes us in different directions. If your roommate is a true friend he should be happy for you. Of course he will feel sad at the prospect of your leaving. But it's one thing to feel sad, and another entirely to try to guilt you into reversing your decision. That, in my opinion, is not something a true friend would do. Seems to me he has his own demons to confront, and is scared at the prospect of losing the crutch that you have become for him. |
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miche
Canada
283 Posts |
Posted - 08/13/2006 : 23:24:14
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| I have always been of the opinion that if you love someone you do not attempt to control them nor exploit them through guilt , manipulation and tears. I suspect that we all have abandonment issues but hopefully we also have pride and self respect, begging goes against these principles . I have a sneaky suspicion that your bro has feelings for you that go beyond frienship. Love is about giving, it is about caring for someone's well being and happiness, it should never be about one's own agenda. Hope this helps you put things in perspective, emotional chantage ( forget the English word) is obnoxsious ( probably wrong spelling) lol, still you know what I mean |
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h2oskier25
USA
395 Posts |
Posted - 08/14/2006 : 10:46:59
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Hi Karen,
I know how you feel, believe me.
You must remember that HE WILL SURVIVE and perhaps even thrive in your absense, as he will have to find somebody else to talk to and be with. I'm not saying it will be easy, but having you physically GONE will be good for him. No slow death and all.
He'll cry and be lonely for a few days, maybe weeks, and then he'll come out of it. He'll look around, and say to himself "what's next?" and then get on with it.
Even in the RARE case he does work himself into a tizzy needing hospitalization, it still doesn't mean you were expected to stay with him for the rest of your life to prevent it. Again, he will live through EVEN THAT, and move on.
He'll be a lot more open to therapy after you leave, then before.
You know this is your big chance to be happy. Any normal inconsiderate person would just focus on that and be exstatic. You are such a good nice caring person, its hard on you, but don't let it be. I know it's hard to get through this, but just wait as one who understands that moving back to NY is WHO YOU ARE and nothing can stop that. Roomie's lucky he'll still have a good friend he can call.
Get on with your plans to get into shape and move back.
P.S. You've got that good friend coming to your house in Late Oct, who also has (minor) abandonment issues, as she just lost a lot of time with HER good friend who's also moving to NY/NJ and doesn't have much time for her . . .
So what I'm saying is, the two of them will help each other get over their abandonment and move on. Everybody does.
Beth |
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Singer_Artist
USA
1516 Posts |
Posted - 08/14/2006 : 16:05:19
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Dave,
Your posts are incredibly helpful to me ALWAYS...WOW...thank you, I will be reading this several times, again and again...IT really helps!
Miche,
I think years ago perhaps there was more then a friendship feeling toward me for a time (in the very beginning) but thank the Lord we never acted upon it and swiftly shifted into friendship/surrogate brother sister mode...The thing is that he is a very unusually sensitive soul due to his childhood issues of abandonment, long story...It's not ever really about me, yes he'll miss me, but deep stuff is being kicked up from my move...Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me what you think!
Bethie,
Now your gonna make me cry! You are so sweet and our friendship means the world to me...I am feeling VERY guilty about not being available to talk as much...please forgive me, I know you have...You are just such a wonderful person and I cherish our friendship! Joey and I are so nuts about one another that the world has stopped temporarily...It's over the top, I admit it..PRobably because we are both artists/musicians...so intense...Your input is deeply appreciated...I am off to the gym and will try to call you later..
Big hugs,
Karen
PS...Excuse me for being so mooshy, lol...but I really am touched by what everyone wrote on here..I soooo wish we could all meet one day and talk about how we have ALL overcome TMS and life is now grand!!! |
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Huge Life Changes
