| Author |
 Topic  |
|
|
jgluski
27 Posts |
 Posted - 06/14/2006 : 11:48:33
|
I had been going out with my fiancé for 7 years. She had a horrible breakdown a year and a half ago dealing with bulimia. I picked up my life from Boston to move to NYC and helped her through it. I was always worried it would happen again and was never too happy around NYC. Since I developed a lot of control over her, but she recovered, I still never trusted her judgment when it came to health issues which I projected into having a family.
My TMS generated right after I had an appendectomy, was under pressure at work, got into a fight with my fiancé about having kids… Horrible pain in groin and back. It lasted 6 weeks until I started seeing a shrink who helped me diagnosis it as TMS.
I started having nightmares, and eventually panic attacks when ever the wedding planning came along. I was put on klonopin. I didn’t sleep for a week and went manic. Cried to all my friends at my bachelor’s party that I wasn’t happy in NYC. My head kept telling me to run away from the wedding. I kept pushing through with the wedding planning. But the panic wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t take it anymore. So I cancelled the wedding. It was an immediate release of panic.
The fall out from cancelling the wedding has been WORSE! Now I am alone in my apartment for the first time in 7 years. Lost my dog, car and am begging my fiancé to get back together with me. Her family who once LOVED me hates me. There was a lot of money lost. We both still love each other but she’s afraid I’ll hurt her again. It’s going to be a really hard road either way.
The thing is I wanted to get married but my sub-conscious was afraid.
Meanwhile I haven’t had a normal nights sleep in 3+ months. I just started Zoloft last week. My life is a mess. I miss my woman bad and everyone thinks we are bad for each other but the freaking TMS caused all this.
Has anyone had similiar experiences with big life changes? |
Edited by - jgluski on 06/14/2006 12:33:10 |
|
|
Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2006 : 14:56:32
|
OH YES! I broke off my engagement a year ago - my TMS pain stopped immediately. I was terrified and had a tough time with the transition. You know what - if your insides/gut are telling you it isn't right - then guess what - it isn't. I struggled for about 6 months. My fiance did not want it at all but I had so so many doubts. AS the wedding got nearer, I wasn't sleeping and was a wreck.
Now - fast forward, one year - I have met the man of my dreams!!!! I have never felt like this in my life and I have absolutely no doubts that this is the man for me. I have never been so happy!
If you have doubts - you have them for a reason |
 |
|
|
drziggles
USA
292 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2006 : 15:56:42
|
I don't know you from Adam, but based on your post I would not ignore those initial feelings about the wedding. When you say that "you wanted to get married but your subconscious was afraid" you are saying a lot. Maybe that's still the case. After a breakup like that, it's common to miss all of the things that you mention, because it's a huge life change and we are all resistant to change. Sounds to me like you were right the first time and you are doubling back now because of the above.
You are also getting it backwards: the "freaking TMS" didn't cause this, this caused the freaking TMS, and for a reason! Listen to your friends--they can see things that you (except your unconscious) can't... |
|
|
|
tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2006 : 17:05:51
|
Adam,
You made the RIGHT CHOICE. If you are not 1000% head-over-heals sure now, it will only get WORSE--MUCH WORSE after you get married.
I see very few happily married couples. I've never made the plunge but have had several loooooong relationships. Being stuck in a bad relationship is the greatest TMS stressor for me and probably for most.
There is probably no worse feeling than being trapped in a relationship you feel you can't ever get out of.
If your friends are mad with you, then, they weren't really your friends--good ridance to them. No dog--no, problem--now your foot loose and fancy free to travel. Get a cat, they're a lot easier for a single guy to care for.
Loseing the car, that's tougher. What kind of car was it? Buy a Jeep and go wheelin' and you'll feel better. |
Edited by - tennis tom on 06/14/2006 21:05:35 |
|
|
|
art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2006 : 18:43:10
|
There's a very funny Seinfeld episode in which George can't stand the woman he's dating. Finally he musters the courage to break up with her. BUt then, all the things he hated in the relationship start to sound not so bad. Pretty soon he's pining desperately for this woman, and convinces himself that he can't live without her.
He begs her to take him back which eventually she does. The last scene shows him climbing the stairs to her apartment with a sick look on his face, knowing that he's made an incredibly stupid mistake...
IT's easy to mistake pain and grief over the end of a relationship
with love..IT sounds like at the very least you both have an awful lot to work through..
quote:
There is probably no worse feeling than being trapped in a relationship you feel you can't ever get out of.
Truer words were never spoken. Holy smokes.. |
Edited by - art on 06/14/2006 18:45:20 |
|
|
|
miche
Canada
283 Posts |
Posted - 06/14/2006 : 21:05:12
|
| Adam do not mistake the comfort of the familiar for love, some people stay in bad relationship because they fear the unknown more than they fear being unhappy, no way to live, YOU MAY BE LONELY NOW , but spending your life with the wrong person CAN and WILL be lonelier in the long run. Good luck to you and remember happiness sometimes comes when you least expect it, you will know with a certainty when you meet the right woman and will be happy that you are free to pursue her.Breakups are hard and painful, they cause a lot of internal conflicts, but sometimes they are necessary , look to the future, I for one believe that we are meant to play different roles with different people all through our lives, there are lessons to be learned, sometimes we are the teacher sometimes we are the student , but there is a reason that we meet the people who play a role in our lives, sometimes the only reason is for us to find out what it is that we need to be happy, maybe you do not know that yet ,but you may have found out what it is that you DO NOT WANT IN A PARTNER, and that is just as important |
|
|
|
Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 06/15/2006 : 08:26:55
|
You may want to go back and read some of the old threads on this board from Suz who went through exactly what you are going through, including fighting feelings of wanting to get back together.
One view of TMS is that your body is expressing feelings that your mind does not want to accept. |
|
|
|
jgluski
27 Posts |
Posted - 06/15/2006 : 11:26:27
|
Thanks for the feedback. The thing is I really do love her and am very attracted to her.
I think a lot of the doubts were based on the past history of our relationship and her having a lot of medical issues and me having to help her through. I took on a parental role which I no longer need to do.
Also my parents haven't been supportive since she had her breakdown and they have me look at all the negatives of the relationship. I think I interalized those things and made them bigger and scarier.
We are very compatible (7 years - 5 living togeather)and we never really fight and have so many similar interests.
She's doing great now. And SHE is really happy with her career and being in NYC. I was much happier in Boston but I do love her so much.
There is an intellectual gap... She's not interested in some things I like such as politics, science etc... but you can't have everything, right?
I am still in turmoil as we are going back in forth on weather or not to work in out with some SERIOUS couples thearpy. |
|
|
|
miche
Canada
283 Posts |
Posted - 06/15/2006 : 11:44:55
|
| Seing you really do love her, then therapy is a great idea, go for it, having the same interests would be nice but then again what is really important is the fact that you feel the same way about life's serious issues, the fact that she was sick should not be an issue, , love is about being there when the going gets rough, fair wheather people are a dime a dozen, wishing you the best. |
|
|
|
jgluski
27 Posts |
Posted - 06/15/2006 : 11:58:17
|
I just read Suz situtaion and it sounds a bit simliar. I had to take on a parental role for about three years of this relationship. She had a lot of medical issues and grwoing up that she had to take care of.
But she's really recoved from HER childhood issues and eating disorder. She's been great for a year and a half now. She had TWO horrible nights when I cancelled the wedding but has bounced back, and STILL might want to work it out.
I always wondered how I could do that all WITH kids. Plus having kids is going tobe difficult due to her medical history. There are MANY real issues here.
Part of me feels like it shouldn't be this hard BEFORE we get married and have kids. This is also the first girl I've ever been in love with.
ALSO when my TMS kicked in she stood by me and tried to help me through it the best she could. She stayed very strong.
I'm 28 years old and know I have my life ahead of me. It's so hard to sort it all out. |
Edited by - jgluski on 06/15/2006 12:00:59 |
|
|
|
jgluski
27 Posts |
Posted - 06/22/2006 : 10:32:33
|
ADVISE PLEASE!
I am curious if anyone has any thoughts here...
So we broke it off for a few weeks. My pain went away but my sleeplessness and panic attacks continued.
I realize now that I created a lot of fears about taking care of her in my head based on the past. She is fine now... and we both want to try and work it out because we really do love each other A LOT!
So she slept over my apt last night (no sex or anything) My TMS kicked in before she came over but as we started connecting again it subsided. But as I tried to fall asleep the pain kept coming back and then the panic... It kept me up pretty much all night (my body has adjusted to 3-4 hours sleep)
I am being totally honest with her and don't want to hurt her anymore. She wants to work it out SLOWLY. My body won't stop reacting. Right now the TMS is coming and going in my lower back. Not that bad.
I feel like I've conditioned myself to be afraid of this relationship! All I want to do is get married and move on with my life. She is really a wonderful girl. There are a few things that aren't 100% perfect... Like I wish I could talk about politics and science and stuff... but all the major elements of love, attraction, shared values, trust, happiness, security... they are there.
I am telling myself this pain is not real. But it goes away and comes back... |
|
|
| |
Topic |
|
|
|
Cancelled my Wedding!
