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robbokop
United Kingdom
75 Posts |
 Posted - 05/26/2006 : 11:09:53
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Hi all, haven’t posted for a while.
I am struggling with depression at the moment. I gave up my job at the beginning of the year and my plan was to study piano for a year and to start working professionally as a musician. In theory, everything is going to plan, I have done a lot of practice and my playing has really come on and I’m getting loads of work etc. Unfortunately, mentally it isn’t working out as I expected at all. It’s always been my dream and ambition to be a jazz pianist, but now I’m actually doing it full time I’m finding very little enjoyment in it. Everytime I sit down to play in a gig, the TMS symptoms start up in my arms and this horrible numb depression comes over me. I can’t feel the music at all. Someone approached me last week in a gig, and told me that a solo I’d played had really moved them. This made me feel even more empty inside, because I had experienced no emotion playing the solo even though I could hear that it was clearly an emotive thing I was playing. Over the past few weeks I’ve felt so negative towards music that I feel I want to take an axe to the piano and that I never want to hear music again – pretty violent and horrible thoughts! Back when I started playing I was always concerned with what other musicians thought of me etc, really put a lot of pressure on myself like a typical TMSer, perfectionist, really high expectations etc – I always had this thought that when I became really good at playing jazz that I’d feel happy in my life. Now it’s got to the stage where I am performing to a level which is good and which I can hear sounds great but isn’t bringing me any joy, in fact it has made me feel very low and I’m struggling to carry on (am doing virtually no playing now). As a child I was under a lot of pressure to do well at school, in sport and musically from my parents. I wonder with this pressure is still driving me to be perfect – the sad thing is my mum died and my Dad (who has changed a lot) keeps telling me not to put pressure on myself! I am seeing a psychotherapist and have been doing the Sarno work(which I believe in 100%) so hopefully that will help me but just felt like putting my thoughts down here on the forum. I’d appreciate any comments anyone might have, especially musicians out there.
I just want to feel enjoyment and get into the music otherwise what's the point? I'm not just going to do it for everyone else and feel empty myself!
Thanks, Robbokop |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 05/26/2006 : 11:22:14
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Rob- That pressure that your parents put on you to perform musically sounds like the source of your depression. I can imagine your inner child enraged at not being valued and loved for the just being yourself and not having to do anything to be loved. If i'm right you may be able to help yourself by working out that anger- John Lee style.
It sounds like you are very talented and should get a lot of enjoyment out of your music if only you can shake the childhood associations that come with it. |
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robbokop
United Kingdom
75 Posts |
Posted - 05/28/2006 : 04:03:10
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Hi Miehnesor, nice to hear from you.
I have the John Lee book and have tried some of the exercises. The one that seems to help me feel the anger is the twisting the towel one - I quickly feel really angry although I have not yet connected it with the emotional reason. I agree with your thoughts about the fact that the unconcious is enraged that it is not loved just for being itself - I'm sure this will get covered in my therapy sessions and that things will become clearer. Thanks for your kind words, I really want to be able to play music without the shackles of the huge pressures from my childhood.
It sounds from your posts like you are making steady progress.
Cheers,
Rob |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 05/30/2006 : 12:45:01
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Rob- Sounds like you know your direction and have a support structure in place to help you. If you can incorporate your expression of feelings in therapy that would shorten the process for you. It's far more frightening for the inner child to express the rage with a witness but also far more beneficial IMO. (you may be doing this already)
We're gaining on it! Keep up the good work. |
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 05/30/2006 : 20:57:05
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Hi Robbo,
I can certainly relate. I'm not a musician but I am a writer. I have been told by people who know better that I am talented. I've only written a handful of finished stories yet my work, objectively, is better than some who have written prolifically. I'm not bragging, it's actually anti-bragging because I have done so little compared to them.
I've been accepted into a graduate program in writing with a full fellowship, yet still I feel a sense of malaise and paralysis when I think about writing. I haven't been doing any writing in fact, since March when I got accepted into this school which begins class in August.
I know my being labeled as "gifted" in the 4th grade caused my parents' expectations and my own to escalate. Not so much my parents as my own. I think I should be able to write like I read, like a completely flawless narrative should just spool out of me - even though logically, I know that this is not the case, even great writers rewrite and work on pieces for years.
I don't know why it is so hard for me to write, I kick my own mental butt about it all the time. I have these great ideas that I start and then abandon. I get the sense that my inner child is throwing a tantrum because it feels pressured to perform but I have yet to find a consistenly effective way to cajole it into writing. Unless you count taking workshops where the pleasure of showing off to peers combined with the fear of missing a deadline spurs me on.
My parents never gave me any grief for bringing home any grade so long as they knew I had tried my best. However, I did get a lot of implied pressure to be the "good kid" in the family because my brother caused them so much trouble.
Were you an only child or do you think that sibling dynamics might play a role in your despondency? Are you, like me, maybe afraid to really shine because others in your family are simply "normal"?
I think sometimes, my sense of insecurity and my sadness over my mother's failed artistic ambition and also my concern over not looking like a show-off to my blue collar family plays a part in me not writing. I'm afraid to succeed and afraid of who I might hurt if I do.
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
I hope you find a way to enjoy music again. And if you come up with some good inner demon fighting tricks and get the creative tap turned on, let me know how you did it...
Did you read that book The Drama of the Gifted Child? I've seen it mentioned here but have not read it. Maybe it would help us both. |
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carbar
USA
227 Posts |
Posted - 06/02/2006 : 11:06:35
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Hi! This is my first post here, but TMS in the form of RSI in my hands has been part of my life for the last 7 years and counting. My symptoms started out from overuse as a young (high school) musician.
quote:
Originally posted by robbokop
Over the past few weeks I’ve felt so negative towards music that I feel I want to take an axe to the piano and that I never want to hear music again – pretty violent and horrible thoughts! Back when I started playing I was always concerned with what other musicians thought of me etc, really put a lot of pressure on myself like a typical TMSer, perfectionist, really high expectations etc – I always had this thought that when I became really good at playing jazz that I’d feel happy in my life.
Your message really moved me because lately I've been having a lot of violent images run through my mind about the things and people I care about. I just discovered TMS and Sarno this past November, so I've just been pain free the past 6 months or so.
When I first began recovering from the pain I felt amazing. My mood was higher than it had been since I was probably like 10 years old. Going to bed without feeling any pain let me sleep better than I had in years. I would wake up in the morning grinning like a maniac -- I was so thankful for a new day without pain. It felt like there was so much possibility, really each day was a gift.
And, now... I think the reality of the situation is setting in, and while I do not feel significant or lasting chronic pain from RSI anymore, I am so angry at myself for causing such life disrupting symptoms essentially by myself. And there is a great deal of numbness. I don't know what to do with myself. How can I trust myself to do the things I love when it was my unconscious mind that was hurting myself for so long? There is probably some element of shattering my image of perfection of myself at play as well...
Do you think you might feel a similar way? Playing music requires emotion, but if you are full of unresolved emotion regarding your own actions I think it could make it hard to access these emotions for another activity like performing or keeping up with friendships and pretty much all the things we need emotions for.
How do other folks handle blaming themselves and being angry for not realizing the cause of the symptoms sooner?
I agree with the pressure of being a musician and desiring your performances to be perfect inflicts damage. I always put this pressure on myself, and I was always jealous of other performers because I felt that I practiced obsessively but never played with the ease or style of the "goof-offs" who liked to brag about not practicing the last 2 weeks. Now that I look back on that attitude (I don't play seriously anymore), I can see that I wasn't really praticing for MYSELF, but because I was following the rules of my teachers or the conventional wisdom that I didn't dare to deviate from. Now that I think about it, if your practice isn't good enough for you, then why bother?
One thing that has helped me with music was studying singing with an amazing teacher who was all about the mind-body connection that makes singing really meaningful. As a woodwind player w/o any formal vocal training, this change in perspective really openned me up to experience music more authentically and do it for myself. At the same time, I am still afraid to sing in any groups because I didn't want the pressure of other folks on vocal music. I really wanted this to just be for myself. I am slowly changing my attitude about that, but I haven't been as active with singing lately. That's a whole other story.
Anyway. Thank you thank you for sharing your story here. I really can use some supportive folks in my life right now and I would like to be there for other folks, too.
best, cb |
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armchairlinguist
USA
1397 Posts |
Posted - 06/05/2006 : 15:00:19
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quote:
How do other folks handle blaming themselves and being angry for not realizing the cause of the symptoms sooner?
I feel this sometimes. Most recently when I discovered that someone had tried to tell me about Sarno when I first got injured. I tried to make out that it didn't upset me, but it did. I sometimes think about the three years that I wasted, missing so many opportunities, etc.
But I also think about: how could I have known? We are not given any information that can allow us to connect the dots until we are lucky enough to encounter Sarno at a time we are receptive to it, because of failure of anything we have been taught "should" work to work. A lot of times we as people just don't hear things unless we are in the right frame of mind. It helps us maintain coherence in a chaotic world, but unfortunately sometimes we miss stuff that way. But to think of it as just normal, that helps me. My dad recently told me that it took him a few weeks to process something that I said about my mom (they are separated so it was a bit emotionally loaded thing).
I also try to notice myself feeling that way and just acknowledge that it is the TMS perfectionist demon once again trying to rear its head, and that it is probably making my inner child mad. Like to stand back and say "Ah, look, it is my self-critical perfectionism here. Probably angering the inner child. I should not think like that. Ah, that is another self-critical thought. Probably..." On and on until it wears itself out. It helps me to approach it with that kind of attitude, like any other self-critical thinking, to observe it without repressing. I suspect I got this idea from the reading I have done on mindfulness meditation, where you do the same thing with pretty much all your thoughts: just touch it, label it thinking, and let it slip away as you return to your focus. |
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robbokop
United Kingdom
75 Posts |
Posted - 06/06/2006 : 03:31:32
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Hi everyone,
Thanks for all the responses. I've been on holiday for a week (in Mexico!) and am severely jet lagged so will go off to bed and then respond a little later when my brain is working again.
One thing I will quickly say is that on the flight over a little kid in front of me on the plane was suffering with ear pain from the air pressure. Guess what, I got it about ten minutes later and it lasted the whole first day of the holiday, totally deaf in one ear. Just had to keep doing the usual work and it finally went...good one TMS, bit obvious though!
Rob |
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robbokop
United Kingdom
75 Posts |
Posted - 06/08/2006 : 17:03:02
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Hi all,
Logan - I'm not sure whether I'm afraid to shine. I always look for people to approve of what I do, and am seeking compliments so that would suggest that I want to shine and to prove to the world that I'm worth something. It is an interesting point though, I will think about it! I know I sometimes feel embarrased when I can do something well and am quicker to pick things up than others (and very impatient with others when they're slow). In my band practices I can hear mistakes from the other band members which really irritate me but I rarely point them out as I don't want to appear better than them, I pretend not to notice. I have also wished sometimes that I could be 'normal' and not be talented at music. As a child I always felt conscious that I was brighter academically than my sister and I felt guilty because I knew it made her feel bad that people complimented me on my talents. My parents had very high expectations of me, even though I always got good grades I can remember my Mum crying at me after parents evenings at School and saying that I didn't work hard enough and that I had so much more potential and that they paid lots of money for my education. My Dad had very fixed plans for me, often told me how to talk to people and to make sure I came across as intelligent and interesting etc. I did read the Drama of the Gifted Child, a good book although it made me feel like I've lived my whole life with a false self, which was very depressing and scary! It covers the sorts of things I'm doing in therapy, and it's nicer to actually talk about with someone to guide you.
Carbar - I agree with you, if there is so much repressed emotion then how can the other stuff be felt. I said to my therapist that it's a bit like a virus protection on the computer, it stops the spam getting through but maybe it also blocks other things too. Am feeling a bit better this week since my hol, and straight away it is easy to be more giving with people and feel things more generally. I don't think you should blame yourself for your symptoms, you developed them for a reason, a system to defend yourself, because you have been hurt by others. We need to stop trying to be perfect!Why bother with music indeed if the sole reason is to be perfect, that's the crappiest reason ever.
Armchairlinguist - that 3 years is gone, think about the now. You have the knowledge now, as we all do, which millions of people don't have or can't accept. It's hard not to regret, I do it too, but I'm sure it adds to the rage somehow.
Well, I still haven't played piano since I got back from my holiday, plucking up the courage...
Robbokop |
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Feeling stuck
