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alinnyc
USA
20 Posts |
 Posted - 04/27/2006 : 08:45:42
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I have been working with tms for almost a year now. I have made significant progress. While I hate the pain, (at least I think I do) I have begun to explore lots of feelings I had no idea I was holding inside. One of the most powerful for me has been the fear of being alone. I have been having all kinds of relationship problems with my partner. We each seem to ignite one another. What holds me back from freely expressing my feelings is this tremendous fear of being alone and fear of retaliation. I am sure everyone experiences this to one degree or another. In my case one of the things that I believe makes these feelings so scarey relates to my feelings as a child when my parents would constantly argue. They ultimately divorced. In a recent argument with my partner, where all the threats came out, I found myself feeling absoluetely terrified. I began to feel I could not survive on my own. It was an extremely intense emotion. As I am writing this my wrist is hurting (it never did that before) and I am laughing to myself. I believe that as a child when my parents argued I must have felt this intense fear. Who would care for me. Who would protect me. What would come of me. I believe I felt my very existence was being threatened. I couldn't possibly share these feelings because I would make matters worse than they already would and I felt I had to be strong for my mother. I have tried to meditate on these feelings. I find that I can only do it for very short periods of time (I am up to 30 seconds). I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience and has any insights to share. Weirdly it has helped me to understand that this intense fear is not my fault. That it is a result of something that happened to me...something in the past that I survived. My strategy is to keep trying to make friends with the feeling and understand it better. Thoughts?
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tennis tom
USA
4749 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2006 : 09:40:45
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Hi Amy,
I have in the past year had to deal with the fear of being alone--not in the present, but the fear of what will become of me when I'm too old to care for myself. I had to face this fear in dealing with my father's recent decline in health. Witnessing his situation brought it home to me. I've lived alone all my adult life and prefer it.
Our society is geared to being independent and single--the problem arises when we are disabled or too aged to care for ourselves. That was my fear. Do to my father's situation, I had to learn about senior health issues real fast. My advice to anyone is to look into Long-Term Care Insurance before you need it. Once you need it it is too late to get it at a fair price. Nursing home care averages $69,0000 a year.
In the good old days, our "family" would have taken care of us in our old age. Today we can shuffle off to Independent Living communites, Assisted Care, or Nursing Homes, depending on our degree of infirmity and ability to pay.
From my father's experience I could see that his wife is the best care provider he will ever have. No attendant getting $15 an hour would provide the love and services that she does.
Witnessing his situation, forced me to grapple with my own future aging concerns. It's pretty fearful thinking about what will happpen when one can no longer take care of themselves.
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miche
Canada
283 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2006 : 11:49:21
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You are not alone, I have felt the same way since I left a 30 year mariage ten years ago, at the time I felt that I would die if I did not leave, it was a matter of survival yet the fibro kicked in that year, other factors were involved, my mother died a sudden death , my house burned down , I lost my job because I refused to sleep with the boss,I was in a car accident, I seemed to have no control over anything, this occured all within a year, I have been in constant pain since, reading Dr Sarno's books and doing the work I have come to realise that fear and insecurity play a great role , my parents never divorced but I never felt secure at home, my mom was very rigid , we were never hugged or made to feel important, acceptance was not a given , one has to have been nurtured as a child in order to have a sense of identity, my parents did the best they knew how and I do not hold a grudge, still their actions has shaped my personnality, like most tms sufferers I always put everyone's needs ahead of mine, my needs were buried so deep the I never realised I had any except to make everyone happy less they would not love me , ( too dreadful to contemplate)
I all can say is that there are no guaranties , having a partner does not guaranty that he will be there for you forever, he may pass on before you do , still you can surround yourself with good friends , stay in touch with family . I always feared that I would become a bag lady, this has not happened yet , I was convinced that with such a low income, on top of having fibro, no man would ever want me, my problems seemed impossible to solve , yet out of the blues, this incredible man came into my life, kind, loving and supportive, we are now engaged and I feel that I am finally , at 59 years old loved for whom I am and not for what I can do, I am not very religious but this came after I asked the universe for help and for strenght, maybe the answer is to let go and to believe that we are never given more than we can handle, to stop fearing what we cannot control , to make the most of the present,as some of our worst fears never materialise . Someone once told me to be careful as we attract what we fear the most. I have a lot of work to do yet, my fears are ingrained in me, yet I am open to the idea that I can heal myself , knowledge is power is it not, I hope you get something positive out of my ramblings, take care Miche |
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wrldtrv
666 Posts |
Posted - 04/27/2006 : 23:03:56
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I can relate to much of this. I'm almost 52, never been married, no kids--always been somewhat of a loner. Until the past few yrs I thought I got along pretty well on my own, thought I didn't need anybody else...well, getting older changes one's perspective. For the first time, I too wonder what will become of me when I am old. Fortunately, I am blessed with excellent health and look several yrs younger than my age so ideally I would be relatively healthy until the end. Of course, no guarantees.
It's not only fear of growing old, alone, that is the problem. Unlike only a few yrs ago, I seem to require greater doses of social interaction than before. This is probably a good thing. |
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fear of being alone
