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lobstershack
Australia
250 Posts |
 Posted - 03/13/2006 : 16:34:10
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Some very frightening happened last night, a very personal incident, which I would like to share. I met this guy--I'll just call him M--through a friend which I met online. We hung out a few times surrounded by friends, and went on our first date, the zoo, on Saturday. M invited me over to watch television last night.
I arrived at 7:30 with a bottle of red wine in tow. His housemate was sitting on the couch finishing up a movie; I joined her. Shortly thereafter, M came in to the room and handed my a glass of the wine. To my knowledge, a typical bottle of wine yields five or so glasses. It was divided among the three of us, so figure I had about a glass and a half of wine at my disposal.
Roughly twenty minutes later, M offers me a bowl packed with a bit of residual marijuana shake, just enough drug to allow for two hits each. This was a mistake. Smoking marijuana has the tendency to make me very anxious and paranoid, bringing to the fore many of the uncomfortable feelings I have buried deep inside of me. I should not have smoked the marijuana, because in a few minutes I was incredibly high--disproportionately so to the amount of drug consumed.
I scolded myself for doing this, as that anxious and paranoid feeling took over. I figured I would just keep quiet and ride it out. In the past, when I would get this sort of feeling, it would dissolve in about an hour or so. During this time I was very anxious, and a lot of the fears that I have buried regarding my sexuality--something I'm currently working on in therapy--surfaced. Thoughts that I am not “normal,” a notion that I suspect is at the root of a lot of my TMS pain.
My plan was to wait until I felt sober enough to drive and call it a night, walking away with the knowledge that I should not smoke marijuana again. All of a sudden I became very confused and disoriented. Now, I have experimented with drugs in the past and am pretty familiar with the uncomfortable sensations they can induce; but this was different. I became incredibly frightened, and kept asking where I was and what we were watching and what overall was going on. It's hard to describe, but the closest feeling I can compare it to was a complete loss of control. I felt drugged. I have never ever experienced a sensation like this before in my life and it terrified me. As I sat there on the couch, I began slurring my speech, it became hard for me to form sentences, and then the following thought flashed through my head: "Oh my god, I feel so vulnerable and defenseless right now that M and his roommate could ask me to do anything and I would not be able to fight back."
The state was similar to the feeling one experiences after receiving general anesthesia, just before they pass out.
I began lapsing in and out of consciousness.
Suddenly, I briefly came to my senses and realized that I do not know either of these people at all. They were just friends of a friend I met online.
M asked if I wanted a xanax to help calm me down, I declined.
I was so scared and so certain that they were going to kill me that I put on my jeans--I was in pjs at the time--and ran out the door and down the block. (In slippers mind you.) Once at the street corner I called the police. It was all I could think to do at the time. I continued to feel drugged and confused and utterly disoriented. I couldn't ever form complete sentences.
Luckily the police were very nice and did not arrest me. I explained to them the situation as best I could and they asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital, I declined. Eventually, they told me to call someone and have them pick me up at the nearest mall. I road in the police car to said destination and waited on a bench.
M called me asking where I was. I told him that the marijuana had triggered a "flaskback" and that I was in a state of panic. I told him that my friends were coming to meet me and that I would return to his house as soon as I calmed down.
Eventually M and his housemate showed up. Both of them asked me multiple times to come back to their house. I wouldn't budge. The situation just did not seem at all right.
My friends came and rescued me. They drove me--and my car--back to their house.
I was in shock. Still confused, disoriented, unable to articulate clearly at all. My feet were freezing from running around in slippers all evening. After soaking my feet in hot water, I became very cold.
Finally, when I had calmed down a bit, I called my parents and told them I was crashing at a friend's house. I called in sick to work.
I awoke this morning feeling very fuzzy-headed. For the greater part of the day I felt nervous and shaky and out of it.
I confided in a few friends, went out to lunch, and called my therapist. When my therapist called back, I explained my situation. She pretty much just listened. In fact, I was hoping she would offer more advice and suggestions, but perhaps I'm not able to look at the situation objectively yet.
I began replaying the incident over and over in my mind, wondering if this was an actual panic attack or I was in fact drugged. The reason I leaned toward the later was because I have, never, let me repeat, never, felt the way I felt that evening. It was scary to feel so completely out of control and so vulnerable.
M texted me this morning asking if I was ok, to which I replied yes, that I just had a "freak out" and would be in touch.
My therapist and friends all thought that something could very well have been slipped into my drink or that the marijuana was laced with something or both.
Again, I tend to agree, but I cannot help but wonder if this whole episode was anxiety induced and that I am so f'ed up inside that I can't even handle an evening with another guy. But, I could not deny what my gut was telling me, that something was not right.
There are portions of the evening that I don't even remember.
I'm very confused and scared right now. I don't know what to do. My symptoms are having a field day. I have a lump in my throat. I feel crazy. I feel like I failed somehow.
How may I turn this situation into something I can use as part of my TMS work? I was doing quite well ignoring the symptoms. Even experiencing days or parts of days where one or more would disappear, to return only when I stopped and thought about them. (Has anyone else experienced this?)
Seth |
Edited by - lobstershack on 03/13/2006 17:07:15 |
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Kristin
98 Posts |
Posted - 03/13/2006 : 20:45:10
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That sounds familiar to me. One of the first times I had an experience like that I could only guess it was marijuana laced with pcp. Other people's experiences have confirmed my suspicions. That is not usual, as I think you would know.
It was a terrifying experience when I was in High School. |
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yowire
USA
70 Posts |
Posted - 03/13/2006 : 20:49:09
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Seth,
I wonder if the alcohol and the marijuana interacted with the prescription meds that you are taking. Regardless, I think you are putting yourself at risk doing drugs on a date or at any time. Whatever happened to just going to dinner and a movie?
Certainly, you must take the time needed to get to know someone very well before any risky behavior. You need to trust this person so you can ask very personal questions about their sexual history. You need to know if that person has been tested for HIV and other STD's and when they were tested. YOU MUST ASK THESE QUESTIONS WITHOUT EXCEPTIONS. This goes for all of us who are dating, gay or straight.
It is possible that your unconscious mind caused this reaction. It may have taken the opportunity that presented itself since you had already some expectation of anxiety with the marijuana, but this is speculation.
As far as the TMS work, just go back to what you were doing. Ignoring the symptoms and doing the work.
Yowire
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Edited by - yowire on 03/13/2006 20:53:20 |
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Kristin
98 Posts |
Posted - 03/13/2006 : 21:00:20
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I also want to say, Do not let this set you back. From experience, my personal sensitivity to drugs and experiences let me know that I may react more extremely than others. (Maybe you are similar?) Oh boy, that was years ago for me! Learning to recognize this kept me out of most trouble in years to follow.
Keep doing your work. It sounds like you have made good progress lately. Any experience like this can be instructive if you don't let it get you down. Don't let it break down the walls of your self esteem! Use it to make yourself stronger and better informed about yourself and your relationship to people and the world. |
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atg
USA
50 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2006 : 00:03:28
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Seth,
That sounds very scary. I have to tell you, there is something that you wrote that jumped out at me. As incredible as your experience was, I found the most powerful part of your post to be the sentence, "I feel like I failed somehow." I think that most people in that situation would feel scared, alone, possibly even embarrassed. But feeling like you failed does not seem to be an obvious response. That might be an interesting thing to look at. What is it about the situation that made you feel like you failed? What were your feelings associated with your sense of failing? Looking at these underlying feelings might help you in your TMS work.
Good luck,
Alan |
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h2oskier25
USA
395 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2006 : 10:36:44
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Seth,
How scary. I'm sorry you went through that. I personally feel it wasn't TMS related. I mean, on some level, we have to trust our gut. You're right, they were almost strangers. Who slurs their speech after a glass and a half of wine and a partial hit.
I'm glad you're OK. I find it so typical that you had no TMS related pain during the experience, but plenty afterwards. That's when your brain has had a chance to get you out of danger, and can now react to a trauma.
Beth |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2006 : 11:25:56
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You will never know for sure if your reaction was purely anxiety or if you ingested a drug.
Our mind is very powerful and it is absolutely possible that what you experienced was a severe panic attack. If you have a propensity towards paranoia, marijuana will certainly help push you over the cliff. |
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AriG00
USA
16 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2006 : 12:14:56
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Hi I just read your post, It sounds very much like me that the combination of wine and mariquana created a chemical stress in your body, and then you became frightened, and had a sever panic attack, this is completely harmless and normal, the thing you need to make sure, reread mind-body prescription, panic attacks are conditioned, do not allow yourself to believe anything else so that you don't condition yourself to experience panic attacks again. This is just my guess, but it appears that you were just extremeley anxious, when I get anxious and panic, I tend to get a like "unsteady" off balance and disoriented, it can be terryfying for someone who hasn't had it, in fact the first few times I experience it was awful, and they reoccured for a few weeks because I "expected" them to.
Now with my understanding of Sarno and anxiety and panic attacks in general, which Sarno's says are an equivalent to TMS, they are at the very very worse temporary and I talk my way out of them, plus adding panic and anxiety makes thing a million times more dramatic then it is, so don't worry about it, you can get a full check up at your Dr. if you want to ease your mind, and after that just keep up with Sarno and figure it out, no big deal, I would say good luck, but you don't need it, just work at it, best wishes.
G |
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AriG00
USA
16 Posts |
Posted - 03/14/2006 : 12:17:40
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In response to myself, I need to edit what I type before I post it!!
"Now with my understanding of Sarno and anxiety and panic attacks in general, which Sarno's says are an equivalent to TMS, they are very subtle and I talk my way out of them"
quote:
Originally posted by AriG00
Hi I just read your post, It sounds very much like me that the combination of wine and mariquana created a chemical stress in your body, and then you became frightened, and had a sever panic attack, this is completely harmless and normal, the thing you need to make sure, reread mind-body prescription, panic attacks are conditioned, do not allow yourself to believe anything else so that you don't condition yourself to experience panic attacks again. This is just my guess, but it appears that you were just extremeley anxious, when I get anxious and panic, I tend to get a like "unsteady" off balance and disoriented, it can be terryfying for someone who hasn't had it, in fact the first few times I experience it was awful, and they reoccured for a few weeks because I "expected" them to.
Now with my understanding of Sarno and anxiety and panic attacks in general, which Sarno's says are an equivalent to TMS, they are at the very very worse temporary and I talk my way out of them, plus adding panic and anxiety makes thing a million times more dramatic then it is, so don't worry about it, you can get a full check up at your Dr. if you want to ease your mind, and after that just keep up with Sarno and figure it out, no big deal, I would say good luck, but you don't need it, just work at it, best wishes.
G
G |
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lobstershack
Australia
250 Posts |
Posted - 03/15/2006 : 19:09:33
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Thank you all so much for your kind thoughts and feelings. What happened was very scary, but in the end, everything worked out to my advantage, and for this I am very thankful.
Now that some time has elapsed since the incident and I have had some time to reflect on it, I would have to agree with Dave, that I really will never know if this was a drug--ingested willfully or inadvertently--or a severe panic attack, or perhaps a combination of the two. The individual mentioned in my post has contacted me a few times. I think I'm going to listen to my gut and cut him off. We did not have a whole lot in common, and this incident was too eerie for me to just plainly forget.
I do have a TMS related question though. The first few years after my TMS started I wished more than anything to get well. But recently, especially since learning about and being diagnosed with the disorder, I feel I'm not as excited as I should be at the prospect of finally figuring out what was going on all these years, and finally getting well. In fact, there are moments when a voice--perhaps my unconscious in a ploy to continue the dance--whispers, "Seth you don't want to get better." This scares me. Why on earth would I think this! Is this the gremlin at work? Is it just the part of me that is afraid of confronting and dealing with my emotions? Has anyone else every experienced similar thoughts?
Seth |
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moose1
162 Posts |
Posted - 03/16/2006 : 10:36:50
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Seth,
As a former, long-time professional pot smoker I can tell you that having a panic attack after smoking dope does not mean it's laced with anything. It means you simply need to not smoke it ever again. I began having panics everytime I smoked about 15 years ago. The only solution was to steer clear of it, especially these days when dope is so powerful. Also, if you drink too much, the hangover the next day can have the same effect. Trust me, I know of what I speak in this department.
Best,
Moose |
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pault
USA
169 Posts |
Posted - 03/18/2006 : 05:00:03
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| Quite simple :Don't take drugs,Don't associate with people who do!It is bad enough to take drugs from people trained to prescribe them and who are trained to sell you the correct,very exacting formulas.Taking a substance from some person who purchased it off the street somewhere is Russian Roulette!I hope you learned from this! Wish you well. |
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 03/18/2006 : 05:24:41
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I had a panic attack after smoking dope that wasn't laced with anything. As Dave says, it just pushed my anxiety-laden mind over the edge. Luckily I was in a very safe environment with a friend who took care of me until I felt better.
Just see this as a lesson that dope's not for you. Keep focused on the TMS work and move on from here. We all make mistakes - you're only human! |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 03/18/2006 : 06:03:20
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Seth,
Most of us derive some benefits from being unwell..It affords a kind of special status, a release from certain of life's responsibilities etc.
I believe Freud had a term for it..."secondary gain."
At any rate, it's a very powerful thing and no doubt keeps many of us from ever getting well..
I congratulate you on this very perceptive insight. Getting well involves a kind of loss when you think of it..
To whom much is given (health), much is expected. |
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lobstershack
Australia
250 Posts |
Posted - 03/18/2006 : 10:57:05
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I spoke about these same fears in therapy yesterday. She said it was akin to a sort of "regressive pull," the part of me that wants to keep me here swathed in the safe arms of sickness. I was told that when it arose, to not fear it, but rather see it as what it truly is. And in all honesty, lately it's that voice that has been holding me back. I've been believing it and taking it as truth, thinking why the hell do I not want to be well!
Also, yesterday we got to what my therapist, and I to some extent, believe is the crux of my TMS symptoms: the fear of truly being myself and expressing myself and accepting myself. Although the causes of the rage are myriad, I do feel this is at least partially at the heart of the matter. Should I force myself to focus on this every time I begin focusing somatically?
Seth |
Edited by - lobstershack on 03/18/2006 10:58:03 |
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Scared and Confused
