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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
 Posted - 03/03/2006 : 07:51:17
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This was mentioned before and I think it reaaly needs to be focused on, as opposed to the pain. Sarno said in the Mindbody Prescription that feelings of inaquecy usually create the perfectionst, goodist, and people pleasing personalitites of people with TMS.
I just recently lost my sales job, due to not reaching quatoa. My company just gave me 2 options, be fired or take a job in our parts department. Well, I was very angry at first, but decided I better take the job in parts because I need money and would like to keep my insurance in case something were to happen to me. I woke up this morning after my work called me and told me not to come into work today. I woke up feeling like a loser. I'm thinking I used to wear a suit and tie, what are people going to think about me.
Was I was in my sales job, it was hard for me make phone calls, cold calls,etc., because I felt that I was doing something wrong, that I was not good enough, and it dterred me from working. Before my sales job, I worked in the warehouse, and I was felt people looked down on me, like I was no good.
I truly believe this a big part of my TMS, I have never really believed that I am or was any good, although ome people think highly of me. Thought I would share and see if there is true with anyone else.
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2006 : 08:04:48
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This is quite common Scoops. But you can train yourself to both place less emphasis on what others think and feel better about yourself.
I'd suggest a good therapist. Sounds like you could really benefit.
It's hard to lose a job. Believe me, I've been there. But it's not the end of the world, not by a long shot. |
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n/a
560 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2006 : 08:10:39
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Thanks for sharing, and sorry to hear of your job loss. Your value as a human being, however, is not linked to your job or material success, but by the mere fact you are a unique creation and there never has been nor ever will be anyone exactly like you despite the fact billions and billions of people have lived on this earth. Right now, there are 6,501,145,198 of people living on this earth and millions more are being born daily, and yet you will continue to remain unique. No one can take this away from you. Take a look at this animated map of human population growth through history: http://desip.igc.org/mapanim.html
Regarding your statement: "I have never really believed that I am or was any good," let me ask you four questions:
1. Is it true that you were never any good and what standard of "good" are you applying to yourself?
2. Is it really really true that you were NEVER any good at anything your entire like despite the fact you stated that people look up to you as a person?
3. How do you react when you think the thought that you were never any good? Is there even one peacful reason why you should keep this thought about yourself?
4. Who would you be today without this thought that were never any good? |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2006 : 12:47:02
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| Thanks art, I did see one my sister recommended, and gave her a copy of the Mindbody Prescription, she said believed in that and could help me. In about the 5th or 6th week I sw her, she said that sometimes I just had to learn to ACCEPT the pain(physical) and that was counter productive to what I want to accomplish. So, I never went back. In Ohio, anything regarding Sarno, it's very hard to find help for. |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2006 : 13:07:47
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1. Is it true that you were never any good and what standard of "good" are you applying to yourself?
With this sales job, in my manager's eyes I have failed. They told me I was not ready to do it, although I have been doing it for the last 2.5 years. Another thing that comes to mind is my dad was very critical of things that I did. For instance, he wouldn't let me cut the grass, because he said I would bump the mower into the fence. I guess in everything I do, I wonder am I doing it right. Am I doing it good enough, I just don't have too much confidence in myself.
2. Is it really really true that you were NEVER any good at anything your entire like despite the fact you stated that people look up to you as a person?
People respect me because I am honest to them. Because I am a nice and caring individual and I try to help others. They think I'm intelligent. But I guess I am trying to measure my success by my accomplishments. This is how I see me, I'm 29, do not know what I really want to do as far as a career. I make $24,000/year, which is not enough for me to live off of. I haven't got my degree yet.
Growing up, I was a good athlete, got MVP awards in baseball, basketball, all my friends thought I was really good. Thn in school, I get good grades, I was always like teachers pet, felt the need to please them,etc. But as I think back, I never remeber my parents saying job well done, I love you. The only time we hugged or anything was after a death in the family or a holiday. If I were to say that to them or hug them, it makes me feel uncomfortable and wierd.
3. How do you react when you think the thought that you were never any good? Is there even one peacful reason why you should keep this thought about yourself?
If I feel strong about it, I will get depresed, I'll saythings like why try, etc.
4. Who would you be today without this thought that were never any good?
I probably would be a math teacher. That is what I thought I wanted to do after high school, but my mon would say things like you won't make any money, blah blah. Truth is , I could have had my Master's by now and I would be making double what I do now. I really thought i wanted to do sales. I actually wouldn't mind majoring in Psychology because tha field fascinates and I like to larn more about myself. |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2006 : 14:27:50
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Some thoughts on what you wrote.
"in my manager's eyes I have failed" - and who is this guy - God, fount of all knowledge, someone you admire and aspire to be like - not if I remember your previous posts - It's your thoughts that are giving weight to this guy's views - and anyone else's views if you allow it.
You didn't even like the job you were in so were unlikely to make a great success of it.
"my dad was very critical of things that I did. For instance, he wouldn't let me cut the grass" - you are a sensitive person - another might have been really glad to be let off grass cutting. Parents are pretty mixed up themselves. They may have caused your low self esteem but you can move on from there.
"Because I am a nice and caring individual and I try to help others "
I used to think I was a goodist, trying to help others but I was actually doing the things I thought I needed to do to be THOUGHT a nice caring individual by others. I was so obsessed with myself and what others thought of me. This was a real eye opener for me and may not be the same in your case. Now when I'm with other people I concentrate on them, what they are saying, their facial expressions etc not on what their opinion of me might be. A great relief.
"They think I'm intelligent" - deep down we know if we are intelligent or not - school grades etc tell us but you are rating their opinion of you not yours. YOU know you are intelligent - go out and use it.
"teachers pet, felt the need to please them" yes, more low self esteem stuff. But you were great at sport - only you can do that - no one else can make you a good athlete.
"The only time we hugged or anything was after a death in the family or a holiday" the same as many families, mine included. In fact I'm not demonstrative with my own adult kids unfortunately - they'd probably think I'd had a bad medical test result or something if I suddenly started cuddling them.
"I probably would be a math teacher" - I think this could turn out to be a major turning point in your life. "I actually wouldn't mind majoring in Psychology because tha field fascinates ". You are really looking to the future you just need to focus on where you are going, not the past. At 29 you have your whole life ahead of you - best of luck.
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Curiosity18
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2006 : 19:39:47
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2scoops,
this sounds like a really difficult time for you. Poor self-esteem is definitely one of my core issues, and whenever I suffer a loss such as yours I must really work hard to keep that TMS gremlin in check. You mentioned that you live in Ohio. There is a psychoanalytic Institute in Cincinnati. After I first saw Sarno years ago, I began therapy there. My therapist was very open and understanding of TMS (once I showed her my copy of HBP), and was very helpful in my progress. If you're not in the Cincinnati area, you might still contact them for referrals to analytically trained therapists in other parts of the state. I know it's hard to believe, but this loss could actually be a wonderful opportunity for something better |
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electraglideman
USA
162 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2006 : 21:19:50
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2scoops,
I can relate to your parent thing. I had parents who were not supportive. I was constantly trying to please them and never got a compliment from them, never. No affection what so ever. I can remember my mother telling one of her friends that she wished she had never had any kids. I remember her friend looking at me with a sad look on her face.
You can try to explain what it was like to grow up in that kind of enviroment and they just don't understand. |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2006 : 08:03:38
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Sorry, didn't mean to make light of having cruel parents in my post. Obviously a huge hurdle to have to come to terms with.
Anne |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2006 : 10:01:49
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| Thanks for the posts all. I will check into the Institute of Cinci, and see if they can help me find someone in Dayton. Anxiety has always been a big issue for me. My mother was always that way, her mother was that way,etc. All good advice, and I do have an appointment to speak with a career counselor at my college to help sort through some of this. |
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 03/04/2006 : 10:44:48
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Don't be too fooled by the hereditary stuff about illness. Remember you mind latches onto what seems most believable to distract you from your repressed anger.
My mother, grandmother, sister and i have insomnia - I thought we had some hereditary hormone abnormality or something. Then, after reading Sarno, I thought we all developed similar complaints as a distraction from stress, a sort of family trait.
Now I think that our mind latches onto what seems most feasible as a health problem to distract us. I actually take much more after my father than my mother so the second case didn't make sense.
Hereditary back problems, heart disease etc, that we hear about so often, possibly aren't.
Anne |
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Tunza
New Zealand
198 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2006 : 03:24:37
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Hi 2scoops,
Thank you for posting about the emotionally painful time you are going through. I really feel for you as heaps of the stuff you said about yourself also applies to me.
In my job I don't have a lot of contact with clients but when I have to make phone calls or even difficult emails I get so anxious that I put them off. I often long for a job where I would always be "behind the scenes" but I know from past experience that I would get bored.
Anyway, the replies to your post have helped me too so thanks again for posting.
Peter - were those 4 questions from Byron Katie's "The Work"?
Tunza |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2006 : 08:06:44
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quote:
Originally posted by 2scoops
I truly believe this a big part of my TMS, I have never really believed that I am or was any good, although ome people think highly of me. Thought I would share and see if there is true with anyone else.
You are in a vicious cycle.
Low self-esteem leads to an attitude where you don't bother to work hard because you feel you won't do a good job. So you don't work hard, and that just makes you feel worse about yourself. In effect you are fulfilling the prophecy you have envisioned about yourself.
Yet still you need to portray yourself in a good light so that other people think highly of you. This leads to a serious conflict between how you view yourself and the view you feel you must project to others. This makes you feel like a farce, a phony, not worthy of the high opinions of others.
You should be in therapy to learn where these feelings come from and how you can get out from under them. |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2006 : 10:22:40
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Thanks Dave for your input. I really didn't percieve how bad this was for me, that took some time for me to realize, I guess I just thought it was sort of normal. I started my new position today and it requires me to put stock back on the shelves as I monitor the inventories. I am hurting but doing my best to ignore it. I see my old sales manager and his son, from sales and I feel the rage, the anger and the hurt of what they did to me. I do have another job interview tomorrow, I really need to get out of here.
Dave, I believe those feeling I have come from my mother. I believe I just learned her feeling of inaduecy, just like she learned it. She was always negative, that's why I never really shared anything with her. My dad's father was pretty mean to his children, verbally abusive. He was pretty picky about stuff that I did. Except sports, I always seemed to excel in sports and learned pretty quickly, he would always brag on me in that department. I guess I need to find a different therapist the one before didn;t help me. |
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Feelings Of Inadequacy
