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ralphyde
USA
307 Posts |
 Posted - 12/30/2005 : 18:26:22
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I have put together a TMS summary designed to persuade my wife and her enablers to give the TMS diagnosis a chance by seeing a doctor qualified to diagnose TMS, which she has thus far refused to do.
She has had lower back pain with sciatica and butt pain for 4 1/2 years now. We discovered TMS in Feb 2004, but she immediately rejected the idea with extreme resistance, and this disagreement caused her to exile me. I have already sent her a copy, but I'd be interested in feedback or comments. I've read five books on TMS, plus others, but have been unable to get her to see a TMS doctor.
Here's the summary. I wanted it as short and to the point as possible:
Tension Myositis Syndrome Summary
1. 90% of all back, neck, and limb pain is emotionally caused TMS.
The longer the pain has gone on, the more likely it is emotional.
2. There is a profile of personality types who tend to get TMS.
These people are responsible, conscientious, hard-working, somewhat
perfectionistic, self-critical, and tend to put others' needs first.
They tend to have a reservoir of repressed anger from their childhood.
3. There's a 90% cure rate for those that can accept the TMS diagnosis.
4. TMS does not want to be discovered. It disguises itself as physical pain.
It's purpose is to distract you from unpleasant painful emotions.
And to keep such unresolved painful emotions repressed.
5. TMS does not go away by itself. It can last for twenty years or more.
It can distort your thoughts and feelings, keeping you in negativity.
6. It will continue, until it is accepted and exposed for what it is.
Therefore, acquiring insight into this disorder is very important.
It is a mindbody disorder that uses the autonomic nervous system.
It restricts the blood flow to the area causing pain through ischemia.
7. Physical therapies can bring blood to the area giving temporary relief.
But this relief is only temporary, and only postpones real healing.
Therefore, all physical therapies must be discontinued.
8. Belief that the pain is emotional is the crucial first step to healing.
Therefore, belief that the pain is physical must be repudiated.
9. TMS is deceptive, and it will feed on your doubts about this.
It will move around, to make you believe there's a new physical injury.
10. "One has to confront TMS, fight it, or the symptons will continue." p. 81.
11. Strong "fear of reinjury" is a symptom of TMS, to maintain its control.
There is really nothing to fear because TMS is physically benign.
"Losing one's fear and resuming normal physical activity is possibly the
most important part of the therapeutic process." p. 81.
12. TMS may fight back, causing more pain when you first confront it.
You must overcome the doubt that TMS tries to instill in you.
13. It will take some time to reprogram your unconscious mind.
So you must be patient, and steadfast in your resolve.
You must switch your focus from the physical to the emotional.
14. Set yourself short and long term goals for improvement.
You need to overcome the conditioning the pain has created.
Gradually resume all your normal and energetic physical activity.
Reward yourself when you achieve your goals, and keep a record.
Ralph
Comments or additions?
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Edited by - ralphyde on 03/08/2006 11:21:26 |
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ralphyde
USA
307 Posts |
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n/a
560 Posts |
Posted - 01/02/2006 : 20:27:42
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| I think this is a very good outline. Good work! |
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 01/03/2006 : 03:13:20
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Ralph,
I know you love your wife and hate seeing her in pain, but I really think you need to drop the subject now. She has to find her own way. The more you push it, the more she'll resist, so any mention of it from you will just be counterproductive. You have to stop altogether and accept the fact that she is in pain.
Perhaps she needs her pain. Perhaps she's just not ready to face those emotions which are causing it. Perhaps the time just isn't right.
Whatever the case, you need to stop pushing it and promise her you won't ever mention it again unless she asks (and stick to that promise, however hard that might be!)
She has the information now. She'll act on it when she's ready. That might be in 10 years' time, or perhaps when she hears it from another source.
I'd like to suggest also that you take a look at your own motives for wanting her to be well, and be completely honest with yourself. I know you don't like to see her in pain - but is it possible that you also want her to be perfect? I say this because I think we all have an image of the "perfect partner" and often try and make our partner conform to that image, rather than accepting them the way they are.
I think that if you love your wife and want to stay with her then you need to accept her THE WAY SHE IS - pain and all.
Be supportive of her efforts to find a way out - don't push your way on to her. Only in this way is there a chance that she might eventually come around to your way of thinking. I say "might" - you shouldn't count on it though. The important thing, as I say, is to accept her whether she does or not.
Forgive me if I'm way off the mark. I don't want to cause offence. It's just that I can see you love her very much and I don't want to see your relationship fall apart over this issue.
Best wishes,
Hilary N |
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n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 01/03/2006 : 07:46:46
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Hi Ralph
I agree 100%with Hilary, the old saying, 'You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink,' has a lot of truth in it.
For the best of motives - you love her and hate to see her suffer, especially when you have identified what is likely to be the problem and from your own experience and that of lots of us here, you know that it is likely she would benefit from your advice; but at this point she will not hear what you are saying. I know from your posts quite some time ago that you have been telling her about TMS over a period of months and if she hasn't listened by now, your only course is to let it drop.
I know if my husband had tried to get me to accept treatment that I didn't believe in, I would have just got more and more annoyed at him.
Maybe, if you remove the pressure she will come to the same conclusion as you have, but she is highly unlikely to, if she feels pressured.
The summary you compiled needn't go to waste though, it's worth keeping to copy into replies to new people just beginning their TMS beating journey.
Best wishes
Anne |
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ralphyde
USA
307 Posts |
Posted - 01/03/2006 : 11:51:38
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Dear Hilary and Anne,
While I can see that there is a great deal of truth in what you are saying, and I have gone as far as I can in the direction you recommend, hardly speaking wirh her at all over the past few months (her choice, she hangs up when I call), how can I watch while she pushes more toward surgery which could damage her permanently?
Since September she has spent over $14,000 on doctors, tests, lab work, radiology, surgery, anasthetics, chiropractors, and outpatient procedures. Fortunately, my good insurance has picked up most of this, but I get the benefit statements which show the charges. And I get the bills and continue to support her financially on my retirement income.
Ralph
How do I just stand by and watch (from a distance) while she follows this course? for almost two years now? It's like watching an alcoholic who doesn't want to stop drinking, except that she's in pain every day, and won't even see a doctor who could put her on the right track. She'll find plenty of doctors and chiropractors to operate on her and give her various physical treatments.
As someone who does love the person she was (as opposed the the angry untrusting person she has more and more become), how can I just stand by and watch her in pain in silence? My overwhelming urge is to find a way to save her from her pain. Now I'm trying to persuade the enablers who surround her that TMS is the likely problem, in hopes that one of them would help if only they knew. I can't just do nothing. I can't just watch her get worse in silence when a cure exists which is so obvious to me.
This is an athletic woman of 45, who used to love hang gliding more than anything else. We met on a mountaintop, and soared together for seven wonderful years. But almost two years ago, because of her pain, she decided she'd never be able to fly again and began to sell off her equipment. I tried to tell her she could be healed within weeks, and that she should hold onto it, but I couldn't persuade her, she went ahead and sold it. She has convinced herself that she'll never get better, and her "fear of reinjury" is very strong.
How can I just do nothing when I love her and think about her every day and every night?
Thanks very much for your thoughtful replies, and advice, which I am trying my best to follow.
Ralph |
Edited by - ralphyde on 02/02/2006 20:25:58 |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 01/03/2006 : 12:24:19
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Hi ralphyde,
Your heart is in the right place. You seem to have covered all the major points in your summary. Give it a try. If this finally gets your wife's attention then you did a much better job than me in getting family members to buy into the TMS diagnosis.
Its hard to get other people (and initially ourselves) to unlearn all the bad habits and misinformation.
I know, TMS makes perfect sense to those of us who have made the leap of faith.
Good luck, -Stryder |
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 01/09/2006 : 00:22:47
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Ralph,
That’s really hard. I think sometimes the person close to the one affected by something like this suffers more than the one affected, but in a different way.
But you haven’t done “nothing” – you’ve done everything you possibly can. Pushing any more at this stage would have the reverse effect of what you want.
Put yourself in your wife’s position. The closest analogy I can think of is when someone tries to convert you to their religion. You’re not interested in converting as you have your own beliefs. But they are convinced that their religion is the only right one and that your soul is in danger if you don’t convert, so they keep pestering you.
Now imagine your wife is the one who has converted and is trying to convert you… Bad enough when it’s an acquaintance, but when it’s your wife who keeps on at it every day then there’s no escape. Of course, she’s doing it because she loves you and believes it’s in your best interest – otherwise you’ll be condemned to eternal damnation. But in the process she's making your life a misery. Do you see the similarity?
I think it’s very important that you respect your wife’s way of doing things. If she opts for surgery you might want to draw her attention to a post here made by (I think) Stryder about questioning success rates. (Stryder or someone else – help? I’m on holiday and Internet access here is very slow so I can’t search for that post.) But do it in a gentle (neutral) way – just make her aware, don’t try and persuade her. Make it clear you respect her decision.
Hilary N |
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ralphyde
USA
307 Posts |
Posted - 01/09/2006 : 12:58:20
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Thanks, Hilary,
I do see your point of view, and the analogy you present. But the difference is that she's in pain every day, and has been for years, and has been desperately seeking a way out of that pain.
And all I'm asking of her is to see a doctor qualified to diagnose TMS, who could then steer her in the direction of real healing. Whereas surgery would probably just compound her pain. That's all I've been asking, as lovingly as I can. She's looking for a solution, after all, and this is the obvious one, since it accounts for 90% of all back pain.
But I can see that you are right, that my urging has pushed her away, and the enablers around her know nothing about TMS (one of them called it "that TMS baloney") so I'm trying now to educate them, even though that may also be a fruitless quest.
But thanks for your thoughts and concern,
Ralph |
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Michael D
10 Posts |
Posted - 01/09/2006 : 17:22:53
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Ralph,
I just want to say that my heart goes out to you. It is so sad when people you love have TMS and are caught up in the medical establishment. I have been sharing the book with people I love and they have been rejecting it as well. It seems that the old programming dies hard. |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2006 : 05:51:05
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quote:
do see your point of view, and the analogy you present. But the difference is that she's in pain every day, and has been for years, and has been desperately seeking a way out of that pain.
This would be enough to set off my own TMS. Talk about frustrating. If your wife were genuinely desperate (to get well) it seems to me she'd be willing to try most anything, by definition. Sorry to be so blunt, but I see that all the time. Some of us, sadly, feel the need to hold on to the pain.
I'm a minority of one here, but not only would I steer clear of all this loving acceptance stuff, I'd want to see if for what it is, at least in effect. Enabling.
I'd listen to my instincts, which would be to drag my wife kicking and screaming if necessary, by whatever means possible, fair or foul
quote:
Make it clear you respect her decision.
Why on earth should he do this when clearly he doesn't.
If a loved one were in a burning building and there was only one exit, would you let her go the wrong way out of "love" and "respect?"
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Edited by - art on 01/10/2006 06:24:11 |
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Star
USA
16 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2006 : 08:15:29
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I just want to bring up a point on #2 from the list above.
I discovered this last year that I have Adult ADD. It answered alot of questions about how I grew up and problems that I deal with that many people I know do not.
Some of the main personality descriptions for ADD fit the same list as #2. I am just curious if there's any research in checking to see how many people with Adult ADD have TMS versus not having TMS. Adults with ADD are many times classified as Hypochodriacs for all the problems that they experience.
I'm not saying that people who have TMS are ADD - but rather how many Adults with ADD have TMS?
Star |
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ralphyde
USA
307 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2006 : 14:34:14
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Thanks, Art,
I appreciate your comments. It has been incredibly frustrating, and has brought out my own TMS in the form of severe itching and rash, jaw pain, and insomnia, all of which I've been able to quell using Dr. Sarno's methods.
More and more I've seen how this disorder has taken over her thoughts and attitudes. It's almost like dealing with two different people. There's the part of her that I love and who still loves me, which I see less and less of, and the part of her that is the disorder, that is angry, negative, and wants to get rid of me, and stay in control. A woman friend of hers told me she'd never seen her "so negative."
I see this disorder more and more like alcoholism, or other self-destructive disorders where she's been taken over by an alien personality (perhaps a split-off partial personality from childhood) which doesn't have her best interests at heart, and in fact, want's to stay in control through pain and fear.
Early in her chronic pain, after seeing several doctors and chiropractors who didn't know what was causing her pain, she seemed to take an attitude of acceptance of her pain, accepting that she might always have this pain and would have to just live with it, selling her hang gliding gear, becoming semi-disabled, etc. Whereas I've been trying to encourage her toward an attitude of fighting it, as Dr. Sarno says, "One has to confront TMS, fight it, or the symptons will continue." p. 81.
But for some people, I've learned, the idea that something is "in your head" is insulting. When we first discovered TMS reading Monte Hueftle, she reacted angrily saying, "He's saying it's all in my head," and dismissed the whole idea. When I tried to help clarify that the pain is real, she got very angry and wouldn't even listen, an angry childish side of her I hadn't really seen before.
And now I see the people who dismiss TMS as "baloney" as her enablers, and my only hope is to educate them about TMS. And TMS has made me the bad guy, when everything I've done has been to help her heal and restore her happiness, despite two suits for separation, both of which she has withdrawn.
I guess I needed to vent a bit of my frustration. Thanks, all.
Ralph
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Edited by - ralphyde on 01/25/2006 19:13:26 |
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art
1903 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2006 : 18:55:26
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My heart goes out to you Ralph. I wish I had more in the way of specific advice. I do continue to feel strongly that your wife needs some sort of intervention, which now that I think of it is in line with your thinking in terms of alcoholism.
I'm not at all surpised with your description of your wife's all too easy "acceptance." In my view, her defensiveness is caused by the fact that she is all too aware, on some important level, that she needs her illness, or thinks she does. The idea of psychosomatic illness, poorly understood to mean "all in her head," just cuts too close to the bone.
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gevorgyan
115 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2006 : 03:32:47
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Ralphyde,
Please make an additional effort and read the book „Of two minds” by F. Schiffer. You can find there lots of answers and maybe you will be able to understand what is happen with your wife and help her. The author started from Freud but now is far away from feudist technic – in my opinion is much more advanced.
Monika
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ralphyde
USA
307 Posts |
Posted - 01/26/2006 : 17:54:17
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Thanks for the book recommendation, Monika. I read some reviews on Amazon.com, and ordered the book. It looks very good.
Ralph |
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vikki
95 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2006 : 13:28:29
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Hi Ralph,
I feel for you. I know how hard it was for my husband to watch me obsessed with my pain, going from doctor to doctor, and severely restricted in what I could do. I do agree that one must come to the TMS diagnosis on one's own. On the other hand, I think there are still some things you could encourage your wife to do that might help steer her in the right direction. I think the key is small steps -- convince her to try just a few things that are endorsed by "structural" doctors but still consistent with Sarno. Let her she what she's capable of. For example:
1. During my ordeal, I was sent to a pain clinic. Most of the practitioners there seem to accept the fact that stress, or concern about one's "injuries," can *amplify* pain (though they reject the idea that it can cause pain). The more I read, the more I realized how widely accepted this is even among tratitional doctors. Moreover, there is a lot of research in "pain management" that says chronic pain is caused not so much by structural abonormalities, but by a problem in the way the central nervous system processes pain -- i.e., it is caused by screwed up pain circuits in the brain. It seems to me that this can certainly be influenced by conscious thoughts and psychological factors. Could your wife be persuaded that, even if she believes her pain has a structural cause, she can *reduce* it by adopting an unconcerned attitude and doing the psychological work?
2. I recently read an article (from a traditional, non-Sarno medical perspective) arguing that the best cure for chronic back pain is hard exercise. It profiled many of the supposedly successful physical therapy programs that forced patients to do tough strength training exercise combined with cardio despite their pain. They found that this led to decreases in pain levels. Even if your wife doesn't accept the TMS diagnosis, could she accept the fact that increased physical activity can help her even if it hurts at first? This might help change her perceptions about her body (i.e., convince her there's nothing wrong physically) and what she's capable of. Personally, I think that's what these hardcore PT programs do -- they get people to *believe* their backs are not weak and don't need to be babied.
I know it's tough to watch someone you love live in constant pain. One thing about TMS, I think, is that many people have to be truly desperate before they'll try it. (Sarno says this himself in one of his books.)
Edited to add: taking small steps like this was key to my own acceptance of TMS. I decided if I couldn't swallow all of Sarno's theory at once, I could try to accept some *parts* of the treatment program (in particular, get active and stop focusing on it). As I saw results from that, I came to accept the entire thing.
Best wishes,
Vikki |
Edited by - vikki on 02/07/2006 14:41:59 |
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ralphyde
USA
307 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2006 : 11:52:05
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Dear Vikki,
Thanks so much for your very thoughtful post. In fact, I have printed it off as is and sent it to my wife, feeling that she might better accept the ideas in your own words as someone with whom she can identify, than in mine. Thanks again for your concern, and best wishes for your own healing.
Ralph |
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A TMS Summary
