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lastlostmonkey
35 Posts |
 Posted - 12/30/2005 : 15:19:34
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Hi all,
Since starting to think about possible buried emotions and anger I have been having a series of realisations about my emotions related to particular family members. I have remembered things from years ago which, when I consider them, were very traumatic and yet I have pushed them to the back of my mind. My family is not one which happily discusses emotions and at the time I feel it was made clear to me that I shouldn't try to talk about them (I am sure this was unintentional on their part, of course). As a result I am uncovering a lot of anger towards family members because of this unresolved stuff and I feel that when I see them I find it increasingly hard to talk to them.
My instinct is to resolve and that means confrontation but rationally I think that that would be upsetting for the people concerned and a self-centred move on my part (and also perhaps not very helpful). So I really don't want to do that. What methods do people use to try to dispel or put away their anger safely (rather than burying it again!) when they have uncovered it so that it doesn't start to affect their relationships with those concerned?
Thanks, and a Happy New Year!
thelostmonkey |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 12/30/2005 : 15:38:13
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Hi lastlostmonkey,
Welcome to the club as I am trying to work out the same issue.
At this point I'm still just mad at some family members, and I feel the anger, and I'm angry inside. I've re-learned just to live with the anger. I'm ok with that for now. I don't show it outwardly, but its there in my conscious self. So at the moment its not repressed.
The good news is that I don't have any more LBP, just minor TMS symptoms.
The bad news is that I'm really not talking to or trying to resolve any issues with my family, in fact for some family members I dont even call them on the phone anymore or have any desire to try to "right" things.
I'm just "opting out" and keeping my anger in my conscious self. No upcoming plans to try to "fix" this.
If you figure out a solution for yourself I'd be interested to hear how it worked out for you.
Take care, -Stryder |
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robby
16 Posts |
Posted - 12/30/2005 : 16:38:08
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This is such an emotional challenge , something I have been dealing with for a few years now. One truth I have learned is every brother , sister , father , and mother have deep unresolved issues with each other and to uncover these can be incredibly difficult. Most times it is not worth doing so , unless you are prepared to make a complete break with the family members , and then have no regrets . From a combination of fear and love I decided not to confront , although , as you , I found it hard to talk to them . What I did do is keep my nice guy act while distancing myself from them and let time work it's magic.
The anger recedes and you realize that many of the things they did or said were not so evil , and , at least in my case , the same traits that make me susceptible to tms also leave me open for pain. Once the emotional charge is gone , it's fun when you need to get together to act differently , that is , to play a different role then you normally would . This has helped me adapt , and as I leave them I feel better of myself. This may sound strange , but it can be fun !
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ralphyde
USA
307 Posts |
Posted - 12/30/2005 : 17:49:47
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The book, Facing the Fire: Experiencing and Expressing Anger Appropriately, by John Lee, is a good book about expressing anger. He doesn't think you should express it directly to the family members but in ways that let you express it for yourself in private, like beating a pillow with your fist or a tennis raquet, or screaming it out when you're alone in your car. That is, you need to get it out, but it's not appropriate to blast someone else with it. Once you get it out you could talk about it constructively with that person, and apology and forgiveness might follow.
Hope this helps.
Ralph |
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gevorgyan
115 Posts |
Posted - 01/01/2006 : 06:39:20
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So I was searching for the possible use of subconscious to treat the emotions repressed in unconscious. Just to avoid the situation that I am blaming all people around of my TMS. I found the website: process-healing, where author explain crucial role of subconscious in healing process.
Subconscious is stupid but powerful, it can learn but will do nothing without any order or simply thought from conscious. But according to the doctor it has power to amend or change our memories inside without flooding them. And that is what I am working on.
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n/a
560 Posts |
Posted - 01/01/2006 : 08:08:18
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| From Sarno's perspective there is nothing you have to do with your anger if you are looking for a recovery from TMS. In fact, the anger will always be there regardless of what you do, it's not going to go away. The main thing is to acknowledge that the anger is there in the first place. This is no always easy because the anger that is the source of the problem is buried deep in our unconscious. Read the pshycology and treatment sections of Sarno's books as he has a lot to say about this.... |
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gevorgyan
115 Posts |
Posted - 01/01/2006 : 12:16:02
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Ok Peter,
but the cure would be when we reach the hidden emotions, because only the hidden are harmful for us. When we realise them would be end of our pain. So in other words, as long as we are suffer we still have not realised the hidden emotions in spite that we are working hard on it. This mean that we can go this way for months and years because we can have emotions strongly protected from being revealed by unconscious. We can be frustrated doing like this.
But there is also different way. Sarno emphasizes that he has not psychological background and there is still a lot to investigate. When his method fails he sends patients to therapist.
I want to check if changing the memories and emotions also those unconscious can I also recover. That is already proved that people can change their emotional memories. This idea is included in “Instant Healing” but very shortly. If subconscious is our powerful ally we should us it.
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n/a
560 Posts |
Posted - 01/01/2006 : 14:45:10
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gevorgyan,
There is little evidence in your responce that you have read and understood Sarno's point of view on this topic. I am sorry to be so harsh sounding but please read Dr. Sarno's books before quoting him. |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 01/01/2006 : 20:58:16
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Hey Lostmonkey.
I am a recovered pain patient via Sarno's books.I went through a similar dilemma as I recovered.In Mindbody prescription,Sarno amended his previous stance that only repressed and unconscious rage causes the pain,and attributed it to a combination of unconscious,subconscious and conscious stressors.
My first inclination in my recovery was to 'confront' all the things in my life that I discovered in a fashion much like your own(wife,siblings,parents) however,I'm not sure all of it was necessary.Some surely was,however with the pain gone I was left with a large reservoir of conscious rage,and I was on the verge of hurting the next person who crossed me,physically.
That is when I went to get help via psychotherapy.I sort of did it backwards...I got rid of the pain,than went and found new tools to express the anger.
e-mail me and I'll gladly share some of the strategies my therapist gave me.
100% painfree and grateful
-bb65Pigman aka Marc |
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jilly_girl
USA
108 Posts |
Posted - 01/01/2006 : 21:45:35
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come on Peter! gevorgyan is asking some good honest questions. dont just say "you obviously havent read the book". how is that at all helpful to someone who is hurting?? practice kindness!
Jill |
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gevorgyan
115 Posts |
Posted - 01/02/2006 : 01:46:34
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Thank you Jill,
In every topic Peter is repeating me the same: “read Sarno’s book you will understand”.
But Sarno wrote the book for people who want to understand. For such people one book is not enough to understand all so complicated processes in our mind. One we learn that our own brain is serving us long-lasting pain for ridiculous reasons. This is very astonishing news and our conscious and unconscious are probably so complicated that would be good to study lots of books on it to understand and to recover. I am asking questions those of us who has any experiences in this area. Peter suggests me all the time that I should become fanatic of Sarno.
If Peter one day write that it really help him, I would do like this, why no.
Kisses Jill, thanks for support!!!
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Scottydog
United Kingdom
330 Posts |
Posted - 01/02/2006 : 01:51:51
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Giving much thought to the reasons my family might behave the way they do has helped me to feel less angry.
For example - my father was a selfish, bad-tempered alcoholic which has left a legacy for all his children.
But did he wake up one morning and say "I'm going to make life s**t for everyone around me for the rest of my life". Or did he suffer low self esteem problems, have no confidence or ability to cope with life for whatever reasons. He died 2 years ago but I wouldn't have discussed any of it even if he were here.
He had a miserable unfulfilled life - mine is a million times better despite his influence - so the frustration and anger I am left with is tempered by pity for him.
So I think that understanding the behaviour of others helps with the anger you feel. |
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normalback
USA
2 Posts |
Posted - 01/02/2006 : 19:01:13
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| I second Jill's sentiment re Peter and gevorgyan's exchange. I just finished Healing Back Pain last week and am half-way through MindBody Prescription, and it sounds to me like gevorgyan understands Sarno pretty well. Sarno says repeatedly in both of his texts that his own background in psychology is limited. He says that some will experience relief just from reading his books, but many will need more. I personally have experienced some relief from reading the books, but feel like I have a long way to go and share many of gevorgyan's questions. I have 12 years of "unlearning" to do with respect to where my pain is coming from, and feel like that can only naturally carry with it a whole lifetime's worth of unlearning regarding how I think about and experience emotions. |
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normalback
USA
2 Posts |
Posted - 01/02/2006 : 19:07:13
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gevorgyan, can you tell me more about the website you found process-healing? And "Instant Healing" that you mentioned- is that a book? part of the same website?
Thanks |
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gevorgyan
115 Posts |
Posted - 01/03/2006 : 01:53:32
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Ok, I will repeat and I am glad that you are interested in: "Instant Healing" is the book by Serge Kahili King. I disagree with the Peter that author only shows how to manage the pain and not get rid of it. Untrue. We all here know Sarno theory and appreciate his very deep and broadly explanations of processes which generate our pain. Probably we will not find something like that somewhere else.
“Instant Healing” explains what is happen in our mind during i.e. accidents and so one. It also links pain with the anger, but here healing is by forgiveness not by acknowledging with the rage or anger.
So one must choose.
This book is additional context about relations between mind and body. And how powerful our mind is.
The website process-healing is something else. As I mentioned before I have read “Power of subconscious” by Muphy. Sarno said that he doesn’t deal with subconscious. But on the website You will find description of investigations on using subconscious in healing (by changing) emotional memories. Subconscious speaks universal language and has access to each part of our mind, so it can be our soldier who will deal with revealing and facing with terrifying emotions in unconscious.
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lastlostmonkey
35 Posts |
Posted - 01/03/2006 : 06:12:23
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Hi,
Thanks for all the help, it's very useful. In terms of 'dealing with' anger, I realise that, as Peter says, Sarno emphasises that it is the acknowledgement that counts. But I feel that having acknowledged it I do need a way to defuse it, although more will no doubt arise in future. I think also, that once you start to realise that actually you have these reserves of anger because you are insecure etc. that although it may make no difference in terms of combatting the pain, you want to try to change the way you react to things because you simply don't like that person. Of course this might just lead to more anger, but I think there is something about sitting and working out that I'm raging inside but I have nowhere to channel it and no way to work on things that I have understood about myself that makes me feel too passive about my reaction to the process.
Baseball, I have emailed you, thanks.
lastlostmonkey |
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What to do with the anger
