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ladyblue
United Kingdom
50 Posts |
 Posted - 11/27/2005 : 18:18:28
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A week ago today my Nan passed away. I sat holding her hand and watching, helpless and frightened. There laid the most dignified woman I'd ever met in my life, stripped of that dignity. She'd suffered a heart attack, had renal failure and bronchitis, just the week before we'd all been at home happily celebrating her 86th birthday. She wept as she lay there, she knew.
The following day I got into my car with the intention of visiting my Mum to see how she was doing and my back went into violent spasm, I sat there unable to move for an hour after which all I could do was shuffle back in-doors.
I don't recall a greater anger than I felt that day and I totally acknowleged it, I wasn't about to pretend and "it" wasn't about to go away. Since then it's been about how it was when I first came joined this site. I'm having little sleep and unpredictable days and all I really want to do is feel the loss of my Nan.
I'm angry because I don't want to be thinking about my back and yet the fear governs me again. I refuse not to deal with my loss emotionally. I've now had three losses in three years, my partner, my father and now my Nan. I want to feel and experience my reactions rather than be distracted by pain, I think on some level it realises this and therefore is even more persitent in it's attempt to engage my thoughts and I want to be so strong and stand up to it, but I'm tired.
On Wednesday I have to drive myself and my children to her funeral and already I feel anxious both physically and mentally.
A couple of weeks ago I was happily decorating my daughters bedroom, climbing up and down a ladder without a care, down on my hands and knees painting the boards without so much as a twinge.
I feel as though TMS has taken an eraser and rubbed out everything I'd worked so hard to achieve. It feels incredibly cruel.
I refuse to deny my emotions right now, that's what I would have done in the past. I do feel deeply sad, frightened, angry, depressed, tired and more, lots more.
So it looks as though a battle commences, it's the last thing I need.
If anyone has any advice I'd be incredibly grateful.
Jane. |
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jilly_girl
USA
108 Posts |
Posted - 11/27/2005 : 19:00:42
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Hi Jane, i'm so sorry for your losses. Its so hard. My mom is dying. Her mind is gone and she has become paranoid, thinking i am the enemy, out to get her. When i am at her house i dont notice my pain much. I am focused on her, even though its horribly unpleasant as my once loving mom rants and raves at me. But i dont hurt much, I am so distracted. You are right, you cant deny the emotions. Its terribly painful. I wish i had more answers, i am trying to learn......
Jill |
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n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2005 : 02:16:25
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Hi Jane
So sorry to hear of your loss. While you were with your Nan you were focussing on her. You are also concerned about your children and your mother. Your TMS has grabbed the chance while you were off guard, so to speak.
For many of us, me included, recovery from TMS means that we have to become very self-centred for a while, vigilance about our own needs pays dividends - the caring for others part of you has kicked in at the moment and taken your eye off the ball.
You have been through so much recently - your progress has not been rubbed out - not at all. It's a relapse, an understandable one, that's all. You can't force the grief that you know you need to feel to come to the surface until it is ready to come, but it will come. When that happens you'll notice that you have indeed made great progress.
It's not just TMS sufferers who experience a repression of grief - that repression allows people to get through a time when they need to be strong. Where we differ from non-TMS sufferers is that we have great difficulty feeling the grief at all - leading to all the physical pain and misery that we know only too well. But that was then for you; this is now, and the relief will come.
Jill, I really feel for you - I went through the same thing with my late father. It's heartbreaking to lose someone in this way.
Take care of yourselves, both of you.
All best wishes
Anne |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 11/28/2005 : 18:09:55
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Jill - I feel terrible for you - so painful and traumatic to lose 3 dear people.
This is what I would suggest as I don't want you to have any more pain and I think it is very very important you let yourself grieve.
First of all - it is ok. to have emotions. I find that saying that several times to myself allows me to start letting go.
This is how I get through to my emotions - something that has been hard for me to do as I have been taught to take care of everyone else and not think of myself - just pretend everything is ok.
I rent a very very sad movie - when I find myself being moved by a scene and I start to cry, I immediately switch my attention to my own life. It has been an amazing outlet for me - it has almost been the only way I can access my own sad feelings. I know this sounds wierd but it really really works. I then sit and cry and really think about all that is hard in my life. It sounds terribly self indulgent but it has been a necessary part of my recovery from TMS.
Now I write in my note book and the feelings come much more quickly. I also had 4 months of therapy with one of Sarno's psychologists and she helped me to start feeling things.
Give this a go if you can find a quiet time to be alone.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Suz |
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 11/29/2005 : 15:49:28
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Jane,
I'd like to offer my condolences.
quote:
I feel as though TMS has taken an eraser and rubbed out everything I'd worked so hard to achieve
It may seems like that, but I'm sure that's not the case. You're just at the next stage of progress. Progress never goes in a straight line - it's always up and down.
Hilary N |
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ladyblue
United Kingdom
50 Posts |
Posted - 12/03/2005 : 16:28:48
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Hi,
I just wanted to convey my deepest thanks to you all for your support, understanding and encouragement.
My Nans funeral was on Wednesday. It was, as to be expected, deeply saddening. It was also special, a celebration of a beautiful woman. A poem that I had written about her was read out in the church and to be able to make that personal tribute was so comforting to me.
I'm not doing so well physically, but I'm taking your advice and not pushing things, I'm being gentle on myself rather than angry.
A few weeks ago I reached a point that I had virtually eliminated the pain, I shall not allow that knoweledge to be erased. To know that it is possible for me to achieve that will spur me on.
My thanks again...
Jane. |
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Bereavement, emotional and physical.
