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vlada
Canada
10 Posts |
 Posted - 10/28/2005 : 14:05:49
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Hey,
I am going into my third week of journaling and "the work". It was easy to get rid of conditioned sitting pain and the pain in general started to dissipate. To be honest I got scared. I had this thought process in my head "it is not possible that the pain is not there". I could not stop doing this. I am journalling about the events in my life, reviewing my list of pressures and reading psychology and treatment chapters of HBP and MBP.
Two days ago I had a somewhat stressful event - I realized that I signed a 12 month contract with an ISP that I found out was the worst possible one I could choose. This event made me aware of something that I learned to do automatically. I rationalized that this is not a stressful event and how it is not a problem at all. And this time I caught myself doing this and got me thinking....
Shouldn't I also journal about daily events, somehow observe myself and try to speculate about unconscious mind and repressed feelings that occur daily? ISP incident is very obvious and I am sure that such or more subtle events occur daily. Looking at this ISP event I probably felt like the biggest idiot on the block, having all those kids pointing their finger at me saying "moron, moron, tralalala". Low-self esteem? So these last two days I had pain return full force and tonight as I was journalling and thinking about these events I got massive hives all over my lower abdomen. Interesting, don't you think?
Regards,
Vladimir |
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HilaryN
United Kingdom
879 Posts |
Posted - 10/28/2005 : 16:17:13
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Vladimir, you have all my sympathy. It's a shame that we think making a mistake is a bad thing - probably from our school education or other kids teasing us or from parents. But in fact making mistakes (in a safe environment) is a good way to learn.
So, you didn't have time to research the ISP thing beforehand - who has time to spend ages researching these things? Sometimes the only way to find out is to go and do it! It reminds me of once when I wanted to get my hair braided - I didn't know where to go, and paid lots of money in a hair salon. Of course, when my colleagues at work saw it they wanted to know how much I'd paid, and there were many expressions of shock and how I could have got it done much cheaper. But I had to do it to find that out! (Some time later a friend of mine had it done "cheaply" - but the extensions fell out within a week, whereas mine lasted 3 months. I think I got what I paid for. Even my colleagues admitted it was well done.)
You said low self-esteem - perhaps the perfectionist tendency at work as well?
Hilary N |
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vlada
Canada
10 Posts |
Posted - 10/29/2005 : 00:16:33
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Hey,
I think I finally got it. It is the events like these that ruin our self-image and that is what creates tension. Rationalizing that we apply is just part of concious repression. It does not matter that we apply it we still feel that we failed to be our self-image.
I am a terrible, terrible goodist. But what is it that creates tension - the events where I failed to help. I'll give you a good example. I wanted to setup a fund to help my young cousin back in the old country go through school and get proper education. However, in this case I rationalized that I can not help everyone and that "I am so overwhelmingly busy with my life that such things are impossible. I have massive student loans of my own to pay anyway."
It does not matter. I failed to help and probably created tons of anxiety and anger not being aware of it at all (of course). I have so many events like this one along each personality profile Sarno identified to be prone to TMS.
I was journaling the wrong events.
Regards,
Vladimir |
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TMS is fighting back?
