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Suz
559 Posts |
 Posted - 10/10/2005 : 12:51:20
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I do not understand this. After 3 months of no pain at all, my sciatica is back. How can this be? I am so frustrated. I have been through a terrible time with the breaking of my engagement, but why would it come back?
I have switched to my winter shoes - all rather high and pointy! I have been wearing sandals all summer. I am wondering if this is a conditioned response to shoes. Crazy as it sounds - it could be.
Of course, it is probably a combination of that and all that has gone on emotionally in my life. It started after I got over the flu - which came right after I ended my relationship for good with Jerome. It was very very traumatic. I cried for a couple of days, coping with the sadness of a failed relationship and coping with cancelling all my wedding plans etc. permanently.
If anyone has any insight - I would be happy. I guess I have to journall and read the books again and just go on about my life
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 10/10/2005 : 14:23:40
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I would venture to say that in the vast majority of people, symptoms return at some point.
You have to take a long-term view and treat the symptoms exactly the same each time they occur. By getting frustrated and preoccupied with the symptoms you are feeding right into TMS' hands.
Instead, when you are aware of the symptoms, try to be matter of fact. Say to yourself, "Hmm... this is odd, my back is hurting again. I wonder why? I must be repressing something. Let me try to figure it out."
In all likelihood something is going on in your life that you have unconsciously decided not to face. |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 10/10/2005 : 15:00:32
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| Suz- If i'm not mistaken you have also linked TMS to your job and the frustrations in that part of your life. Could this be a factor this time as well? (I'm assuming that there was not some recent encounter with your ex or your mom which is responsible for the flare up). |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 10/10/2005 : 16:28:57
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| I have been really struggling seeing my ex again. I see him once or twice or week which is really hard. I see him in a group. Every time I see him, I am drawn back to him. This is driving me crazy. I am torn between staying firm with my decision to leave him and wondering if I have made a mistake and should go back to him. This is so hard. I wonder if this conflict is causing the pain. On some days, I am fine and don't want to go back. On other days, I think about him a lot. I suppose this could be the conflict. |
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Kajsa
Denmark
144 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 00:53:11
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[quote]Originally posted by Suz
I do not understand this. After 3 months of no pain at all, my sciatica is back.
Just curious Suz.
When your sciatica is back - is your fatigue gone?
Kajsa |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 07:32:13
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Kajsa,
Interesting question - yes, I have no fatigue at all. I can't even remember when I was experiencing the fatige. Was it during the Summer months? I will have to go back and read my posts.
The pain has migrated from the sciatic area to an area on my back - very very sore. This TMS is ridiculous - actually not that smart really! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that it is moving around and is nothing structural. As soon as I wore my comfy shoes, it moved to my back area.
I have also had very vivid dreams - the psychologist I worked with for four months told me to try and remember my dreams as they are a window to buried issues in the unconscious.
I realize that I am not as fine as I thought I was with the breaking off of my engagement. It does not mean that I go back to him, but it does mean that I should let myself mourn a little. I was just going about my busy life without stopping to breathe and let myself be sad. Last night, I had a bit of a cry and the pain is substantially less today. I also dreamt that my sister died (horrible, horrible dream) - I was crying my eyes out in the dream. I think that the loss of my friendship wiht Jerome is sort of like a death and I need to let myself grieve.
In my upbringing, you just get on with everything, and you don't cry or dwell on the pain. This is something I was conditioned to do. I have no problem now having a good cry privately at home. I felt a tremendous release afterwards last night.
It is amazing that I am having to train myself to express emotions as I am so good at repressing. |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 09:44:35
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quote:
..and thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklie'd o'er with the pale cast of thought
-William Shakespeare
Hi Suz..
Why on EARTH do you go and see your ex a couple of times a week??
The beauty of a forum,is that we don't really know each other,so we can be perfectly frank.
Unless it is absolutely essential i.e. work,school I have never understood why people "break up" and than try to remain "friends" or even "aquaintances"...
You MUST have a true breaking up.If you for 'social' or even spiritual reasons(like church) are being placed in a situation where your constantly confronted with your ex,it's no wonder you have TMS symptoms.Even if it's 'your' church,find a new one.There is no way you can possibly be UNaware of his presence.It's like someone trying to kick heroin living with another junkie.Deep down inside you are afraid to absolutely break it off,Whether for fear of him finding someone else(which he will) so you can keep 'tabs' on him,or whatever,your motivation for attending these scenes couldn't possibly convince an outside observer(like me) that you really mean business.
The only reason you miss him is that the human condition is such that we don't remember PAIN.I have no back pain right now,and try as I may to remember the Agony of it,I can't really feel it.
On the other hand,I'm conditioned like a LAB RAT to be drawn towards drugs even though they nearly destroyed my life...I only remember the fun and good times..never the agony and frustration.
When I met my wife,she had been separated from her ex-husband for 15 months.She'd left the state they lived in and was on her way to a 'new' life.In casual conversation one day,she mentioned that she had run into him about a month before we met.They had...uhhh...RE-consumnated their marriage,just for old times sake.I never ever understood that,but I'm beginning to gain an understanding by reading your posts.....the absolute neccessity to be wanted on any terms seems to be part of the irony of the human condition.There seems to be a strong vein of Having your cake and eating it too.
I'd LOVE you to correct me on this???
-out
Baseball65 |
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Kajsa
Denmark
144 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 10:10:56
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[quote]Originally posted by Suz
Kajsa,
Interesting question - yes, I have no fatigue at all.
Suz
Not very long ago you really expressed your fear and concern about fatigue - several times actually (do not mind my spelling, please.)
Now it is gone and you need something else to be afraid of - (somethingelse to distract you).
It is not easy (I know) but it is important that you notice the connection.
All the best,
Kajsa
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 10:17:56
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Baseball,
I TOTALLY agree with you. I can't stand seeing him. One of the times is in Church - which often I avoid, as I go to a later service. This can definitely be 100% avoided.
The other is an absolute necessity. I do another program (I think you know what i am referring to) and I have people there depending on me -so cannot change it. I am so depressed by this. I am not getting over this relationship because of this. It is the only meeting of it's kind in the area and is having great success in helping people.
I am not going through any desire at all to see him.I absolutely hate it. I agree with you about the human brain conveniently thinking of only the good times and forgetting why I broke up in the first place.
I don't know what to do but will have to really think about this |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 10:56:35
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quote:
Originally posted by Suz
The other is an absolute necessity. I do another program (I think you know what i am referring to) and I have people there depending on me -so cannot change it.
Hi Suz,
Is it "an absolute necessity"?
Look, try this. Meet with the person at church whom which you gave your commitment to for this responsibility. Tell them you must step down for personal reasons (tell then the details if you want), and tell them they have to find a replacement for you. Give them a reasonable amount of time to find a replacement (maybe 2-3 weeks).
No sane person would think the less of you, so don't be afraid, you are not sherking your responsibilities in any way.
I agree with BB65, you have not made a clean break here and its likely going to continue to be a real problem in your recovery.
Take care, -Stryder |
Edited by - Stryder on 10/11/2005 10:57:35 |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 11:37:46
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Ok. I am going to be pretty frank now as I don't know how else to answer Stryder and Baseballs' thoughtful suggestion of cancelling responsibilty.
I am a sponsor in an addiction program - the responsiblity I have on Tuesday night from 8:15 to 9:15 cannot be missed. I have four people I counsel there. That particular meeting was started by myself, Jerome and our two best friends. It is very hard to find that kind of help for addicted people in our area. We have spent two years building it and are finally really reaching people. If I stop going, then the people who I am sponsoring will not be receiving my help and my example as to how important it is for them to show up each week. I work one on one with these people at other times during the week, but the meeting is the keystone of the program.
Part of the recovery in the program is to put others before yourself. If I don't show up, I am not setting a good example and sending the wrong message. These people I am sponsoring are very very sick - some of them are suicidal. To see them recover and get well is incredible. I have recently witnessed this with one of them.
So - this is a dilemma for me and I don't see a way out. I feel very angry that I have to do this but also know how important it is. I am sure my unconscious is furious |
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Kajsa
Denmark
144 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 12:18:41
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[
I am a sponsor in an addiction program
Why are you That?
Kajsa |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 12:24:10
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Kajsa,
I don't understand your question.
Suz |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 13:19:02
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Hi Suz,
Yes, of course. You will have to find your own replacement then, a new co-sponsor, and get them invloved for a transition period until the new sponsor can take over. This happens all the time in all kinds of critical professions when things must change. I never intended that you just walk out.
Another option is to split your program into 2 groups, that meet on different days at your church, and of course put your ex in the other group.
Another option is to spin off your program, and you take the people you sponsor to another church and run your share of the program from there.
But you have to take some steps to make it happen.
I was once a training officer for the fire service, I ran the program for training the rookies coming on to the fire department. The first, day, the very first question I asked them was, "What is your primary responsibility as a firefighter?". We would go around the room and write all the answers from everyone on a flip chart. Here are some replies:
- To save lives
- To put out fires (obvious choice :-)
- Help people
- Prevent fires
- To back up your partner (buddy)
- Protect property
- To serve the community
Nice answers but wrong.
Your first responsibility is to you own safety.
There is no point to running into a burning building to save someone and become a victim yourself. Then we have to put the rest of us at risk to come rescue YOU.
Things change all the time, no one is indispensable, me, you, BB65, Dave, austingary, and you have to believe that if some unforseen event occurred tomorrow and you could no longer sponsor the people in your program, they would go on as well.
I do empathize with your situation, and I don't want to appear as if I don't care or understand, because I do and have been involved with life and death situations. Just trying to get you to think outside the box.
Take care, -Stryder |
Edited by - Stryder on 10/11/2005 13:27:20 |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 13:31:37
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Stryder,
I definitely get your point. But it is not as simple as that. Of course, I am not the answer to people's problems but with this specific program, there are very few people who have recovered to help others.I was given the gift of recovery and must pass it on. I have people I am working with who have been in the program for 10 years longer than me and have only just found the answer in our meeting. For the first time, they are recovering. There are only two of us (women) in the meeting who are able to help people -everyone else is still sick. This is a little different to regular volunteer work.
The other point is that - in order for me to stay recovered and well, I have to pass this on to others. Nobody knows why that is the case - it just is. If I stop sponsoring, chances are (and I know many people who have experienced this) I will go back to addiction. So - this is for my own good in the long run. It is just such a disaster that Jerome is involved in this meeting. I really really don't see a way out. When I look at the big picture, I cannot give this night up. It really sucks (forgive bad language). The only thing I can think of is taking a hiatus for a month or so to give me a break. My sponsor who helped me recover will be furious and will tell me I am really selfish and must get over myself. I know she will say that to me because noone can really understand how hard this is unless they are in it. She simply doesn't get it. We are the only two women who are sponsoring everyone else. |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 14:51:43
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Suz- I doubt there is a single person on this forum that is surprised that you are having relapses given the current situation.
There is something about this sponser that you mentioned that bugs me. You need to take care of yourself first before you can truely help others and it's not right that she can't hear your plight and support you.
I think you need to somehow extract yourself from this mess. Is there any way Jerome can relocate?(that may not be doable but thought I would just throw that one out there) |
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redskater
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 15:14:16
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Suz, And you wonder why you are having symptoms again??? I can hear all the pressure you are putting on yourself over this. What about you and your health? Maybe you need to be thinking about yourself for a while instead of everyone else. What would happen if this group split up? It sounds like you are placing way too much responsiblity on your shoulders alone. Maybe you need to get with Jerome and work something out.
Gaye |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 10/12/2005 : 08:55:26
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I went to my meeting last night and it was ok. I spoke to my sponsor and told her my dilemma and how painful it is right now. I don't know why I thought she wouldn't be supportive. She was very kind and said - maybe you should take some time away. She agrees with me that it is hard as we have so many people we are helping and we are the only "recovered" there - however, I think she realizes how unhappy I am. She really doesn't want me to go back to Jerome and will support anything that will stop that from happening. ( I suspect that - she doesn't actually say that)
I am going to take a few weeks away - maybe 3. This should give me some really good time away from him. I am also going to make sure I avoid the same Church time on Sunday as him. It feels like such a relief. I obviously really need this time apart. |
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sciatic pain back - very very frustrated
