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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
 Posted - 10/07/2005 : 16:03:56
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Perfectionism – The Dangerous Trap
Just when I have something figured out, along comes another how-to-article telling me how to be or do something better or even change my entire life. No matter where I turn, I am constantly reminded that I am not good enough in more ways than one. I am not smart enough, not rich enough, not slim enough, not efficient enough, not pretty enough, not powerful enough, not “with it” enough and probably “out of it” altogether.
That's me and it gets worse. In line with our education economy, yesterday's perfect diet is banned today and my car of the year was just recalled. My time-management is out of date and my writing achievements fade against the big authors. Yes, I am my own worst critic. Growing up with perfectionist parents didn't help either. It wasn't until their seventies, that my father could tolerate fingerprints on his freshly washed car and that my mother learned to enjoy a meal without matching table décor.
Perfectionism is driving us up the wall or around the bend and neither direction is desirable. No many reach for anti-depressants or cope on some other crutch. We live under constant pressure to be perfect and expect nothing less from others. Intensely glued to information that helps us conform to some perfect ideal, we learn less about ourselves. Detached from the core of who we are, we show up with fabricated selves to gain approval.
There is quite a difference between aiming for a successful life and trying to achieve perfection. Contrary to popular belief, perfection is not required to succeed in love and life. In fact, the perfectionism-trap has serious negative consequences:
·We feel our accomplishments are never good enough
·We value people based on their achievements
·We believe doing our best doesn't cut it
·We take mistakes personally and hesitate to try again
·We are vulnerable to rejection
·We do what we should, not what we want
·We set impossible to reach goals
·We are hard on others and ourselves
·We expect perfection of others
·We develop a obsession with perfectionism
·We feel we never measure up
·We fear failure in relationships and have difficulties being intimate
·We don't pursue a relationship out of fear it might not be perfect
·We become critical of our partners
To sum it up, we believe that unless we are perfect success and love will evade us. The biggest cost of perfectionism is our neglect of the humble core within and our failure to claim a life in alignment with our true self. Instead of focussing on our qualities and all that is right with us, we are busy fixing everything seemingly imperfect. Driven to live up to the perfect ideal we become pretentious, self-promoting, critical human beings. Because of our focus on achieving goals, we never enjoy the journey of getting there. As a result we lose the irreplaceable moments of relating to people and doing things.
Webster defines perfectionism as "a disposition, which regards anything short of perfect as unacceptable". The torment for perfectionists is that they never find anything perfect, simply because perfection does not exist. Instead they suffer from social and personal anxiety and strained relationships. To find peace, accept ourselves and nurture the best in us, we have to overcome perfectionism and:
·Use our mistakes as opportunities for growth
·Set goals in line with who we are and what we want
·Accept ourselves as human beings with flaws
·Give less than 100% and still experience success
·Enjoy the journey instead of focusing on the goal
·Recognize that anxiety arises when we set unrealistic goals
·Understand that we get more done and feel better about ourselves if we don't strive for perfection.
·Give up the irrational belief that relationships must be perfect
·Stop second guessing ourselves
·Be compassionate with ourselves and our partners
Thousands of people give less than 100% to a goal, but 100% to the journey and succeed. Everyday people don't give all they've got, but still get done what they need to. If we try to give 100 % to everything we do, we never get enough done. Perfectionists operate on the assumption that unless they can give 100 % to a task, they won't even start. As a result, they become occupied with trivial details and put off tasks until they can make a 100% effort. Perfectionists tend to be procrastinators with endless to-do lists and dreams put on hold until “some day.”
When it comes to relationships, perfectionists don't do that well either. Single perfectionists keep on dating without making a choice, thinking someone more perfect will be around the corner. When they are in a relationship, the fear that it might not be perfect, keeps their relationships from progressing. Even when they finally settle with a partner, second-guessing their choice and being critical of their partner ensures frustrating relationships. Compromise in love as well as in life is difficult for them. Perfectionists pay a high price for the misguided belief that choosing the right love partner will guarantee a perfect relationship.
The entire perfectionist-trap becomes a vicious cycle in life and love. The more we attempt to be perfect in every area, the more anxious we get. This anxiety is coupled with a feeling of always falling short or behind. Consequently we concentrate on what is wrong with us or what we didn't do. While doing our very best is admirable, more often than not, doing a good job is enough. The truth is that we are always half-cooked human beings in transition. Nobody will love us any more just because we are more perfect. We are being loved for the passion and spirit we bring to the table as genuine human beings.
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exRSied
United Kingdom
9 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2005 : 16:36:46
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Instead of focussing on our qualities and all that is right with us, we are busy fixing everything seemingly imperfect
Because of our focus on achieving goals, we never enjoy the journey of getting there.
Perfectionists operate on the assumption that unless they can give 100 % to a task, they won't even start. As a result, they become occupied with trivial details and put off tasks until they can make a 100% effort. Perfectionists tend to be procrastinators with endless to-do lists and dreams put on hold until “some day.”
This hits home.
Is this from an article? If it is, could you please provide the link for it? |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 10/08/2005 : 20:41:28
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Wow, 2scoops.
I too am intersted to know if these are your words or an article. In either case, this is awesome!
-Stryder |
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robbokop
United Kingdom
75 Posts |
Posted - 10/10/2005 : 03:15:38
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| Really great - thanks. |
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PeterW
Canada
102 Posts |
Posted - 10/10/2005 : 07:23:28
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I too am wondering where this excellent article came from. If it is yours 2Scoops, thank you!
These cultural and self imposed pressures are all so real, and destructive. I wish I could have absorbed this kind of information 20 years ago - could have saved myself an awful lot of unneccesary suffering, both emotional and physical. But it seems we never really change and adapt our ways until we're somehow forced to. |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 10/10/2005 : 09:05:51
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| Actually I found it by "accident" surfing the web. I was on another message board and someone posted a link to a marriage site and I just happened to see the word perfectionism highlighted. So I read the article and thought it hit home to me, I know others on here could relate. I like to post articles like these because they help look to the emotional as oppossed to the pain. |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 12:14:27
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2scoops,
This gives me chills. I am wondering if the relationship portion applies to me. My ex fiance always said to me - your expectations are way too high. You will always have issues with whomever you are with, because you are a perfectionist. Your article makes me very depressed (although I thought it was brilliant and very accurate). I second guess myself all the time because when I see Jerome, I am desperate to be with him. I don't understand what the answer is. Your article would support me going back to him
Suz |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 13:04:53
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quote:
Originally posted by Suz
2scoops,
This gives me chills. I am wondering if the relationship portion applies to me. My ex fiance always said to me - your expectations are way too high. You will always have issues with whomever you are with, because you are a perfectionist. Your article makes me very depressed (although I thought it was brilliant and very accurate). I second guess myself all the time because when I see Jerome, I am desperate to be with him. I don't understand what the answer is. Your article would support me going back to him
Suz
Suz, I saw myself on that article and I knew some others would see themselves. That article cannot in no way tell one if they should be with a certain person or not. If somethings in that artcile helped you become aware of things that may help relate to your symptoms, then it may help you to think psychologically, as oppossed to physically. I have decided to see a counselor and had my first appt. Monday. This is about me getting to the truth, the root.
I have read your posts in the past and you are,have went through some very similiar things as myself. I was engaged about 6 years ago. It was with someone I had grown uo in church with, I always had a big crush on her. We knew each other for 20+ years when we started a relationship. She was my pastor's daughter, plus me ex had a daughter when we started dating, who was 3 months old. We dated for six months, then I got engaged to her. If I would be totally honest with myself, I wasn't sure if I should marry her, but I did ask her to marry me. It seemed like the thing to do, I mean how could I dump my pastor's daughter, and abandon her daughter, which we were very close. What would the church think of me? I had a lot of internal issues going on, I kept them to myself. I wanted to please everyone. I kept trying to convince myself to marry her. But my heart knew otherwise. I was unhappy in the relationship, but I stayed in it for "everyone" else. A couple of months after the engagement, I ended it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.
But the thing was, I kepr going to the same church, for five years after. I lived with an enormous amount of guilt, enough to bring on TMS. Her daughter ran to me, called my name out loud after every church service. Everyone told me, that I should be her dad. So I that made me think maybe I should give the relationship another try. Months went by, and she finally dated someone else. Man did I ever get jealous. I had to watch those two in church, the guy play with her daughter, etc. More internal pain, anger, etc. I obsessed about it. Then that relationship ended, then the next one more jealousy, well you get the picture. There would be times I would not eat, sleep, etc. Over a relationship that I really didn't want.
I have finally left that church a little over a year ago. I needed to heal. It's time to work on me. To see what I really want in a relationship. I know I always get into a relationship and find something I do not like in the other person, and I obsess about it. Then I want to end the relationship. At other times I see people who I am attreacted to and I think I'm not good enough, she will never want me, I'm not muscular enough, my nore is too big, etc. So if I'm not ragging on someelse , I'm doing it to myself. This is my time to find out why. To work on myself. Sorry so long, but don't beat yourself up. That article cannot tell you, who you are suppossed to be with, there are more factors involved. Remeber, marriage is a lifetime commitment. This is your time to heal, not to feel guilty.
If you do go to a church, I recommend talking to a pastor. Be 100% honest with yourself, and someone who you trust that has nothing to gain.
Mat 7:2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
Mat 7:3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Mat 7:4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
Mat 7:5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.
Jam 5:16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 13:20:38
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Mat,
Thank you for your lovely answer back. Nobody wants me to go back to this guy. My family is adamantly against it as are our best friends. Even my girlfriends at work think I am mad. I just thought that I would experience a relief when I ended it but that has not happened. When I see him, I long to be with him. I miss him and feel like being close to him. When I am away from him, I don't seem to think about him a lot which is strange. It is just when I see him. I am going to make sure that I don't go to the same church service again as him.
But I have to see him once a week at my meeting - it is unbelievable painful. That night is tonight and I cann't face it. I really dread it as the day goes on. My feelings are confused all over again. It doesn't help that he looks great right now - has lost weight and dresses really nicely whenever I see him. Also, his business has had some recent success so he is in much better shape (from a superficial perspective). He is very religious like me and also helps other in our program - we have so much in common. Why on earth am I feeling such attraction to him when I see him - this is my dilemmma
The only thing keeping me from rushing back is a new friendship I have with someone through a friend from my church. He is a wonderful man that I went on one date with a year ago (when broken up from Jerome). We talk every other night for one to two hours at a time. We seem to get on very very well. I would have to give up this friendship if I went back to Jerome. I would miss talking to this guy. We have an amazing bond and I really like him. He lives about an hour and a half away so it is nice to have distance for now.
My concern is that I will always find something wrong with everyone and so I will remain alone and not have children. Noone will be perfect. My family said that they didn't see a real bond between us -as if it was forced. But am I so fussy that I will never be happy with anyone? |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 13:40:01
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"My concern is that I will always find something wrong with everyone and so I will remain alone and not have children. Noone will be perfect. My family said that they didn't see a real bond between us -as if it was forced. But am I so fussy that I will never be happy with anyone?"
Well you sound a lot like me. I know right now though I am cannot give what I need to to have a relationship. I need to focus on my relationship with God most importantly. I have always put every other thing first, I need to put things in correct order. There is no one in sight for me right now. I don't know anyone interested in me or anyone single that I'm interested in. Although I get lonely, I do have a lot of time to wrk on myself, which is what I need to do. But at the same time I would like to have someone I could tell anything to. |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 13:56:57
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| I agree with you - with putting God first. That is where I have been in the last few months. When you put it like that, I agree with you. I need to heal too and know that I will be fine in the end. After all, there is a reason that all of this has happened. It is so hard to be strong right now - I really just feel like crying. The responsibility I have to my program makes me a bit overwhelmed just because I hate seeing Jerome -the confusion is unbearable. |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 14:45:55
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quote:
Originally posted by Suz
It is so hard to be strong right now - I really just feel like crying.
I sometimes boil TMS down to this: being forced to do something you would really rather not do.
In a lot of cases, it really comes down to this simple fact. A job you don't like, a relationship causing stress, a child you need to take care of, a sick parent. . .
You feel the need to be strong on the outside, so the pressure builds on the inside instead.
You say "I really just feel like crying." Have you? Sometimes a good long cry can tear down the wall to the true feelings that are hiding underneath. |
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2scoops
USA
386 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2005 : 17:44:10
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| I agree with what Dave is saying, it is ok to cry. Be honest with yourself and it is really important to have someone you feel comfortable talking too. Confession can free your mind. |
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560 Posts |
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Perfectionism
