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ladyblue
United Kingdom
50 Posts |
 Posted - 09/23/2005 : 14:36:46
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Hi Anne,
Have just read your posting and admit to having a tear in my eyes. It's so weird to hear how you've been feeling being captured by someone else. The fear is indeed enormous and present in my every movement, infact it's there way before the movement takes place.
Your guess as to my position is spot on also. I'm the "agony aunt" in my circle of friends and the organiser and "sensible one" with-in the family. I remember many years ago seeing a Counsellor, he said Jane I want you to picture a balancing act in the circus, now see yourself, you're the one at the very bottom Jane, the others are all resting on your shoulders. I wish now Anne that I'd listened his words. You've also summed up my daily life at the moment, I can do only light housework and today I stood in my window looking at my car and it made me cry...I just wanted to get in it and go for a short drive, anywhere would have done...but I couldn't do it. It's not been one of my better days today, my ankles are very swollen and painful as I'm not able to lay down for any length of time. I'm averaging 4-5 hours sleep a night and today I've really felt it.
On a positive note my mind is finally made up as to what I shall do once I have conquered this. I'm going to open a shop!! It's something I've always wanted and so I'm going for it. It's going to be very magical and mystical, full of wizards, fairies and dreams.
I'm going to read a book I recently bought on e-bay now called Merlins book of Magic and Enlightenment..wonderful distraction.
You're a real inspiration Anne, so many thanks for taking the time to write. All the very best wishes to you...Jane |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 09/23/2005 : 15:18:03
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quote:
Originally posted by Baseball65
I went from cripple with a cane,corset and vicodin,to hitting 80mph fastballs in the batting cage in 3-4 weeks.I was back at work in 5.I had relapses which raised my doubts and fears again,but always returned to the 3 main ideas:
Repudiate the structural diagnosis
Return to activity
Recondition the brain
It didn't just give me my life back....it gave me a better one!!
Hi BB65,
Are you writing the book? When do we get to read it? Inquiring minds want to know.
-Stryder |
Edited by - Stryder on 09/23/2005 15:20:27 |
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redskater
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 09/23/2005 : 15:21:52
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it's amazing how you will find yourself relating to all the different stories in one way or another. I used to think I was the only one living with this kind of disabling pain. I too didn't really care if I lived anymore. My pain actually got a bit better when we were living in Aberdeen, Scotland, I think cause I would just get out and walk everywhere, I didn't focus on the pain as much. when we moved to a different country, i got so much worse, I thought it was cause I hated leaving Scotland! I was probably half right.
Jane, Anne is right, you need to start doing the things you were afraid to do in the past. It might be painful at first, but just remember that you aren't doing any harm physically to your body. Once I understood that, I started doing everything that I've been afraid to do, whether it hurts or not. When you do something you had been afraid to do before, it gives you back your power and you just have to keep doing it, conquer your fear! Don't let it conquer you!
cheers,
Gaye |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 09/23/2005 : 15:26:42
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Hi ladyblue,
We're all happy you are here with us. You've already gotten some great advice from the forum members. If you have not already done so I invite you to start going through the old posts archived here. It may take you a while, but you will get a chance to see some of the original people who started the TMS Help Forum. Some answers to your questions will be found there as well.
Take care, -Stryder |
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ladyblue
United Kingdom
50 Posts |
Posted - 09/23/2005 : 15:44:01
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Gaye thankyou, you're right of course, I know I have to conquer the fear and stop giving it fuel. I sat a while and gave it some thought before replying and I realised that when I think about the fear of the pain (I hope i can explain this, I'm struggling to find the words)...my initial thought is not one of the "damage" it may be doing to me physically but whether or not I can survive that level of pain again. I'm refering to the lower muscle spasm that hits without warning, when it happens I daren't move, it's as much as I can do to breath. I've actually stood there several times just praying that I could pass out so that the pain would stop.
I am working on some visualisation techniques at the moment. At the point I see it happening in my mind I instantly switch the image to one where I see myself quite happily jogging along the beach...lol...I've clocked up several miles today already!!
Thanks again Gaye...all the best. Jane |
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ladyblue
United Kingdom
50 Posts |
Posted - 09/23/2005 : 15:55:15
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Thankyou Stryder,
I am so pleased to have found you all, already I have recieved wonderful advice, support and encouragement.
I shall indeed do as you say and take a look back in the archives.
Best regards...Jane |
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almost there
109 Posts |
Posted - 09/23/2005 : 16:34:55
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Ladyblue-
You certainly have struck a cord with all the members of the Forum...you've even brought Baseball65 to the front....now if you hear from TennisTom....even I will be envious.....keep on keeping on....don't give in to desire to try and find a structural reason for your pain...hard as this is...it will only set you back and delay the day when you will be pain free like many of us! |
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redskater
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 09/24/2005 : 08:28:18
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I know that gripping pain from a spasm! And it's the fear that keeps you from wanting to move because you are afraid it will worsen. For myself, when I start to feel the spasm coming on, the first thing I do now is move! and I keep moving until I feel it start to subside. Since starting this process, my pain has moved around so much it's actually starting to be funny. Last night a spasm started in a place that hasn't bothered me in quite a while. Instead of panicing, and waiting for it to get worse, I moved trying to actually make it hurt more, suprise, it didn't! It was throbbing when I went to bed and it quit when I started to fall asleep and it just went away. Im beginning to think that the fear is just as important to work on as the journaling in the road to recovery.
Keep at it.
cheers,
Gaye |
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n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 09/24/2005 : 11:39:16
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A quote I like that sums up TMS for me, is, "If the pain wanders, don't waste your time with doctors."
It's from The Neurotic's Notebook by Mignon McLaughlin. That book had me laughing out loud - I fit the neurotic's profile to a 'T'.
It's good to hear that you enjoyed your stay in my city, Gaye. Quite a few Americans who came here to work in the oil industry have made it their home. There is an American school just down the road from where I live. It's called the International School of Aberdeen now, but most of the students are still American, I think. |
Edited by - n/a on 09/24/2005 11:42:14 |
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redskater
USA
81 Posts |
Posted - 09/24/2005 : 12:50:10
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Hi Anne, yes, I know the school. we are in the oil field bus. and the American womens group used to meet there. We had a home on the Dee River across from Sainsburys. We miss living there, except for the weather! Still have a lot of friends there. I'd love to go back and play golf now that my back is getting better. Thank goodness we discovered Sarno!
Cheers, |
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ladyblue
United Kingdom
50 Posts |
Posted - 09/24/2005 : 14:51:18
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Ahhhh Gaye, how right you are about the fear! A perfect example of this happened just this morning. I always sleep propped up on a lot of pillows but when I awoke this morning I'd not only slipped right down but I was slightly on my side as well.I'm unable to tell you if I was in pain or not because a wave of sheer panic took over causing all my muscles to go rigid anyway, my heart was racing and I broke into a sweat. Every inch I moved was filled with the dread that it may cause the spasms to start. Approx 20 minutes later and I'd reached my chair, the spasms hadn't started but boy I'd put myself through an agonising time. When I'd calmed down I actually began to laugh at myself!
I began reading a book today called " I need your love...Is that true?" by Byron Katie. In it she makes reference to an experience she had upon entering the desert. She saw in front of her a big Mojave rattlesnake. She was paralyzed by fear, she instantly thought she was about to die a slow and painful death and no-one was around to help her, her heart was racing....until...she focused...and realised, that what lye in front of her was actually a rope!!
I think there have been many snakes in my path Gaye.
What an interesting concept though, when you take the time to stop and think what type of person you are right now in your life....is it more likely to be a snake?...or a rope?
LOL...That was nothing short of a python in my bed this morning!
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2005 : 10:43:04
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Ladyblue,
My heart goes out to you! I had the chance to spend a couple of months in your lovely country this summer and so, irrationally, I feel that I sort of "know" you.
I also had the lightning bolt pain you describe, not continuously, but that is how my "episodes" would begin. I would be sleeping and I'd go to roll over and it would feel as if someone hit me with a tazer between my neck and my shoulder blade. I'd shoot out of bed and into consciousness and the world would be nothing but pain.
Eventually the lightning would subside into a constant dull ache that robbed me of my ability to concentrate or enjoy anything but let me amble around like a kind of zombie. I never knew when the lightning would come back either, so I lived in a state of dread, like you described. It sucked, to say the least!
I thought, and had MDs, chiros, massage therapists etc. tell me, that my pain was from whiplash. It went on for 4+ years, getting worse and worse. At one point, the thought of suicide was a comfort. I didn't plan on taking my life but I knew that if the pain got bad enough, that I could escape. Thinking back on those days now, it seems like they happened to someone else.
I read Dr. Sarno's books and got his tapes about three years ago. It took me a year of intensive journaling, some therapy, and a lot of "anger release excercises" to get pain free but I did it. So can you!
Keep reading the books, keep "digging," and I also recommend you get John Lee's book "Facing the Fire." It helped me get over the last little "hump" between being 90% pain free and 100% pain free.
Ladyblue, I am completely "normal" now; but for some reason, I thought I'd "nip into" the site and see what everyone was up to. I actually just sold "Facing the Fire" and my Sarno books and tapes to a used bookstore thinking that they might help someone else. I don't take any drugs, I don't have any special pillows, I don't do any stretching. I just live my normal pain free life and every so often, I am amazed to realize what a "miracle" it is. I have a hard time even imagining th e pain I used to feel. You will get there too, don;t give up! |
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2005 : 10:49:32
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I am also reading this book, what a coincidence! I think that most of my TMS came from the rage/fear I built up over needing people to love and accept me. I'm still working on these issues, but the pain is gone.
Don't worry about needing to fix all of your "stuff" in order to get pain free, you don't have to. Like KB says, you just gotta accept your stuff, that's all. It's pretty amazing, once you do. I recently accepted the fact that my mother's not capable of nurturing me or being curious about what I do; and although I bawled like a baby that night, the next day, and every day since, I have felt so free and light. It really don't need her and it really is okay. |
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ladyblue
United Kingdom
50 Posts |
Posted - 09/27/2005 : 12:59:45
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Hi Logan,
Thank you so much for writing. Weird isn't it that sometimes when you're so lost life has a great way of taking your hand and giving you guidance. This time last week when I returned home from the consultants, the thought really hit home that...I really don't want to wake up anymore, but that very night I found this forum. Today here I am reading something from you, that's so similar to me that I could almost have written it myself.
My dad died two years ago Logan and I'd spent most of my life just wanting him to say he loved me, or to stand up for me at least, sadly he couldn't. The same goes for my mum, I love her dearly, I've come to terms (I guess)with the fact the like my dad she's not tactile or emotionally expressive. It's easier to gain an understanding though when you're an adult, as a child you just want to be hugged, I missed it then and I miss it now.
I'll get the book you suggested thank-you. At the moment I'm literally craving information. I've started keeping a jounal..lol..that came as a bit of a shock actually! At the back I thought I'd set aside "a page" to list what makes me angry...But three pages later and I'm still adding to it!! So please share...how did you go about releasing your anger??
I won't give up Logan, just keep feeding the encouragement!
Take care, Jane
(BTW...a fantastic little book I read today addresses the fear issue(the fear thing is really big with me) it's called "Releasing Fear" by Liz Adamson, I bought it along with one of the most beautiful and exquisite cd's I've ever heard, it's by Bliss and its called Through these Eyes, there's a track on there called Road Of Gold that has the most beautiful lyrics...toward the end it goes..."So believe in your goodness and shine through your darkness, and face all your fears with a smile and a wave. All the tears that you have cried are now turning into diamonds. And every road that you tread is a road that's paved with gold") |
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h2oskier25
USA
395 Posts |
Posted - 09/28/2005 : 09:29:01
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LadyBlue
I have felt alone, too. I'm a Computer Programmer and have had real bad RSI (Oops, I mean TMS) and the panic of not having the use of your hands, and not being able to earn a living programming is overwhelming.
Fortunately, I found Nate McNamara's Web Site (www.conquerrsi.com) and started to live again.
I have to say, one of the scariest parts was what I was going to do with my life, a life I had given up because I was so scared of hurting my wrists. I literally laid around my flat for 7 years. I would ride my bike seven miles, roller blade for hours, but don't ask me to sign a check or lift anything.
I just started a new job, and the tension is making my TMS flare up again. Wrists killing me now. Shut up Brain!
BTW, I'm 44, and always knew I was too "healthy" to be sick. You are too. The body is strong and resilient!
Beth |
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 09/28/2005 : 09:59:02
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LB,
Like most recovered TMS'ers, I could probably write a book on how I got to this point. I'll summarize as best I can here.
September 1998 - rear ended by distracted driver, started getting what I thought were mild "whiplash" symptoms. Simultaneously graduated from college and got first "real" job, bought first house, my parents visited (I have/had HUGE parent "issues"), I was under a lot of pressure at work etc. etc. etc.
March 1999 - Jolted out of bed in middle of night with electric spasms, couldn't turn head at all, hurt to breath etc. (I realize now this happened right after I'd been very publicly chastised at work by a higher up that I admired).
1999 - 2001 - pain increased exponentially, electric spasms came and went but the dull throbbing ached in my neck and shoulders was constant and moved down to my hips as well. I saw doctors, anesthesiologists, acupuncturists, chiros, massage therapists, hypnotherapists...
Fall 2001 - someone on a chatboard recommended Sarno's books and briefly explained how they helped her. I thought she was crazy and kept going to chiros.
October 2002 - I started to get these shooting spasms down my arms that were like a nervous tic; they were relentless. I started, for some reason I can't remember, to wonder if that woman on the chatboard was right. I was also desperate and because I'd lost my job recently, I had plenty of time to read all of Sarno's books that I got at the library.
I recognized myself at once. I was hopeful and terrifed at the same time. What if I had TMS? What if didn't? I was afraid that my cure couldn't possibly be that "simple."
November - December 2002 - Despite my fears, I did a kind of TMS "boot camp." I know alot of people do things more gradually but I felt like I needed to go back to as much of a normal life as I could, as fast I could.
I stopped all chiro and massage treatments immediately. I wrote them both letters explaining how I'd read Sarno's books and that I was well and didn't need them anymore. I read and reread the books. I stopped stretching. I stopped being "careful" about how I moved. I threw out my ortho pillow. I started riding my bike again and going to the gym again.
I kept a journal, I'd also started "doing" a book called the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, so I followed her recommendations and excercises for journaling and I think this helped, alot.
I also started talking to my "brain," constantly. If I was alone, I'd talk out loud. I would tell it, "look, I know what you're doing..." and I would explain to it exactly how TMS worked, over and over again. Sometimes I would yell and swear at it, telling it that I wasn't putting up with this bull**** anymore! The shooting pain in my arms disappeared almost immediately.
I started seeing a psychologist who hadn't heard of Sarno but she was open to the idea. I opend up alot of old "family" wounds. I spent a lot of time walking and thinking about what was going on in my life and how I felt when the TMS started etc.
January 2003 - I went downhill skiing for the first time! I fell alot, and I was okay!
February to March 2003 - I was feeling about 65% better at this point but still had that throbbing ache and tension in my right shoulder though. I was anxious thinking I needed to see Sarno in person but couldn't really afford to go to NYC. I bought the video cassettes instead and started playing them constantly, I would do housework or read with them on in the background.
April 2003 - Bought and read Facing the Fire. Realized my psych was right when she said "anger is kinetic, you can't just think it out, you have to work it out." Felt like a complete idiot for beating up my couch but you know, that ache in my shoulders started to go away.
May 2003 - Bought a mini baseball bat and really started whaling on my couch with it. Sometimes when I started, I wouldn't feel angry but then "stuff" would come up. After a few minutes of beating and screaming, I'd feel amazing. I could feel the blood coursing through my body and into my shoulder, especially.
June 2003 - Feeling 95% better, which is to say "normal"!
July 2003 - Went to Disneyland and Legoland with my husband to celebrate being well. Walked by and laughed at all those signs saying not to ride this ride if you have back or neck problems. Rode the rides and felt GREAT!
August to December 2003 - Noticed that I was feeling very numb emotionally, despite being physically well. The anger releases didn't really help this.
One day watching a sad movie by myself, I started to cry about how alone I felt, how cut off from family and friends, how I'd lost so much in my life...and I let myself really cry for the first time since I was a child. I ended up "howling" for almost ten minutes, just sobbing as if someone close to me had died.
Went from 95% - 100%.
I let myself do this several times that fall, and ever since then, I don't even think about my neck and shoulders. I don't have any fear or dread. I'm really 100% "normal," which of course isn't "perfect," but that is the point!
I hope this helped you! And completely off topic, I miss Sainsbury's! I lived in Cambridge for 5 weeks and would walk there from my dorm room and come back completely loaded down with fresh raspberries, local cheeses, custard etc. You just can't get produce and cheeses like that here in the states, at least not in Phoenix. : (
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ladyblue
United Kingdom
50 Posts |
Posted - 09/29/2005 : 02:41:04
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Thanks Logan...yes it does indeed help. I'm fascinated/inspired by other peoples stories. This forum is such a link for me. I do feel..or should I say DID feel rather isolated. No-one known to me here is on this road and so prior to reading about TMS and finding this site...lol..I was beginning to question my sanity!
Yesterday after a slow start I had such a lovely day, I guess I just approached it with a different attitude, I went at it with trust. I told myself to trust that where-ever I was and whatever happened would be ok, I sort of trusted the universe to take care of me, and I felt so much more relaxed...I even drove my car! They're small steps Logan but finally feel as though they're going in the right direction...hooray!!!
I'm definately going to get that anger book, I really have no idea how to express anger so it's imperitive that I get to work on it.
Yesterday I tried to imagine where you are now, no fear or dread and I couldn't, it's been so long and yet knowing that after all you went through you can't recall how it feels is enough for me, I know I 'll get there too.
Thanks again Logan....lol..and Sainsburys send their love! |
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ladyblue
United Kingdom
50 Posts |
Posted - 09/29/2005 : 02:57:39
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Hi h2oskier25,
It sounds as though you've achieved so much in overcoming TMS, the frustration of not being able to do what you want to do is immeasurable isn't it. I guess that's what the diversion of pain is all about though in a way or at least eventually it leads to us stopping and having to deal with the underlying cause...not so easy. But you're so right, the body is resilient.
I wonder why you're having a reccurance of symptoms? This may or may not be of use Beth but one thing that has just flashed into my mind (lol..come to think of it lots of things come into my mind and I have to find a quick exit for the majority...anyway..)Many years ago whilst in town I suffered a panic attack outside of a particular bookshop and ever since when I pass it my mind does a split second flashback to when it happened, it doesn't particulaly bother me but just for a second I can feel that panic again. I suppose I'm just wondering if perhaps you're return to work is taking you back to TMS days on some psychological level?
Stay strong....Jane |
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Alone and blue in England
