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lobstershack
Australia
250 Posts |
 Posted - 08/21/2005 : 17:49:28
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Hi everyone,
I haven't posted in quite a while, and today I had sort of a "mini meltdown" so to speak and I would truly appreciate some input and support. By the way, I'm a lot calmer now, but still a bit worked up so I apologize if I unload quite a bit of junk.
Basically, I've been doing really well ever since finding out about Sarno last October, I was even doing well beforehand (attributed to the wonderful therapist that was finally recommended to me) but I was still perplexed at where the chronic headache in my temples that I have had everyday for the past 6 years and other transient, mostly TMJ-like symptoms, where coming from. I was still very much focused and obsessing about my body and even though I accepted the fact that I had OCD, but somehow even with this information, I was not ready to accept that all of this was emotional.
And looking back, that was the kicker, that I was perfectly content running around chasing doctors getting diagnosed with things that I thought I had, getting various treatments, researching illnesses and syndromes to no end, but erupting at the mention of anything being emotionally rooted.
Everyone around me knew that that was at the root of my "sickness," but I wasn't ready to face that fact; it was a very scary thought indeed.
I should mention that before starting with my current therapist, I was in very bad shape. Suicidal, anorexic, closeted, confused, in pain.
I eventually saw a psychiatrist and ended up on a combination of Lexapro and Wellbutrin, which lifted the dark cloud so to speak, so I could begin the work necessary to heal.
Well the past year has seen so many major events transpire before my eyes: I came out last summer, a huge deal and a huge contributor to my TMS I'm sure; graduating college this past May; starting a new job; getting ready to move out of my house for the first time; coming to terms with my sexuality. It's a lot. For anyone.
Over the course of my life, as I'm sure many can relate to on this board, I've kept all my emotions bottled up. Never reaching out for help, no matter how minor the issue, not wanting to admit that I am not a perfect human being and never will be. So even though over the past year I've been doing great, there were many times when I wasn't doing so hot, where I should have reached out to my parents, friends, and therapist especially, but didn't because I was ashamed. TMS or no TMS.
I graduated college feeling great, and everything just began moving so fast, before I knew it, I had a wonderful job, and thought that I might try stopping my medication. So of course I wanted off of it ASAP, not having the patience to go as slowly as I should have, but totally disregarding how my body was feeling.
I discontinued the Lexapro entirely, and am still on Wellbutrin 150mg/day.
What I did notice upon stopping was how EXHAUSTED the Lexapro was making me. I also felt a lot less "numb." Even when I was on the medication I never spoke up and said, hey maybe we should tinker with this or try something new because I'm getting these side effects. I was of the mind frame, OK I know I have TMS, none of this matters in the long run anyway, I don't want to deal with it.
In fact, I've emailed Dr. Sopher and he has said that he has had many patients recover from TMS with the help of medication.
And when I decided to go off of it this summer, I realized and was told that it's OK if I have to go back one and I should in no way feel defeated.
So that sort of brings us up to speed. I have been feeling "off" lately, and today the issues hit the fan so to speak. I have so much on my mind that I want to articulate, sorry if I sound a bit harried.
First and foremost, I realized that I having totally been avoiding many of the emotional issues at the root of many of my problems. My inability to feel or convey emotion, becoming comfortable with who I am as a person.
Add to that all of the changes that have been going on in my life, and the fact that I may have stopped my meds a bit too hastily, and you have the perfect breeding ground for a little freak out.
What bothers me the most are my symptoms. On the one hand, I realize I can read and read and read all I want about TMS, and understand it to the nth degree at an intellectual level, but until I begin facing what needs to be faced on an emotional level, it will never leave.
I became a little obsessed with Sarno, and self-help books for that matter, reading and reading, trying to squeeze in all the theories and advice into one, and freaking out when my issues weren't resolving pronto.
So I called my therapist today and told him a bit of what is going one. How I really want to address my symptoms (not by discussing their physical manifestations, but rather the emotional causes); how I might want to go back on meds, etc.
Now he is familiar with Sarno, and I've given him a lot of his literature and such. But part of me really wants to tell him that this is something I want to tackle head on, that I've really been skirting around during our sessions, so as to avoid addressing those scary issues.
So now I'm thinking, maybe since I started working, I could put aside $100 every week so that in a few months, if I still feel it was necessary, I could see Sarno.
I'm just scared that my therapist and I maybe aren't on the same page in terms of addressing these issues, and I just want to make sure we are.
But then I freak out even more because I'm trying to solve all of my issues in order to eradicate all of my symptoms, when we all know that all of your issues do not have to be solved in order for them to leave, that would take forever.
So I have all of this floating around in my head, plus more, and today it finally reached a head. Which is good, because I sought out the counsel of a friend, and let my parents know what was going on, although I'm going to discuss it with them further, it's just that my sister just got back from Europe and now is not a great time.
I never ever reach out like this, so this is very healthy I feel; but I just don't know how to begin to sort this out.
Part of my wants this chronic headache and these symptoms to stop ruining my young life. Part of me knows that they won't go away until I actually forget about them and start living life. Start coming into my own. But I'm afraid that if my therapist is not on the EXACT same page as Sarno, I'll never get better.
I'm very perplexed. I know we don't have to expect to solve all of our issues in order for our symptoms to go away, but what about in my case, where issues such as becoming comfortable with my sexuality, going out there and dating, moving out of the house, I mean should I wait till the symptoms go away and focus on getting rid of them before I tackle these (long) standing issues? But then wouldn't that undermine TMS theory in the sense that I'm trying to solve issues and expecting the pain to go away? What if I face them and the pain is still there! I'm so lost.
And I've been reading way too many self-help books, did I mention that? LOL.
ARRGGHH.
Sorry guys and gals, this is getting excessive.
I'll just say that I know I must have patience. I know I'm going to be fine, I've come so far. I just want to make sure I'm on the right track so to speak.
Should I call my psychiatrist? And if I do, will I never ever get rid of TMS? I don't want to be so drugged this time, with such noticeable side effects. Just something to give me a little boost. But then the voice in my head is like, Seth what if these medications give you the same symptoms that you have now (headache for instance) and since you have them already you won't know if they're causing them and then if they are they won't go away when they should with the TMS work.
I know I'm coming off nuts, I just haven't vented any of this before.
I need to stop being ashamed of having TMS and chronic pain. I'm scared to talk about it, even to myself.
I have a ton more to say, but let's just leave it at that for now. Any help is invaluable.
One last thing I forgot to note. My good friend's father is trained in NLS (neurolinguistic programming). She was telling me some of the techniques, such as talking to a symptom and telling it you know that it's there for a reason. Reprogramming yourself. Is this not what TMS work is about? Do you think it would be counterintuitive to give it a try?
Seth |
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lobstershack
Australia
250 Posts |
Posted - 08/21/2005 : 18:19:36
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Ok, I've calmed down a bit. Let me clarify somethings. I'm terrified that if my therapist isn't keyed into Sarno verbatim, that I will never get better. That what needs to happen is "short-term" get-at-the-heart-of-the-TMS-matter a la what Donald Dubin and other Sarano therapists do. Then begin to go over all of these issues once the pain is gone. But then I wonder if I just need to confront these issues. And in the same breathe, I think that this is the incorrect approach because if everyone had to go through and confront and solve all of their issues, their TMS would never go away.
And secondly, I'm seeing my psychiatrist this Saturday (a previously made appointment). I don't know how to approach this. Because I don't really want to mention any pain or symptoms, because he will dub it Somatization, which actually he did do a few years ago prior to me starting therapy and later finding out about TMS. How do I tell him what is going on?
Seth
Seth |
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leegold
USA
66 Posts |
Posted - 08/21/2005 : 19:20:48
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wow. i can id w/ some of the stuff- i was suicidal at one point in my life (enough to spend 28 days in the hospital). except for the tms, my life has worked fairly well and been enjoyable for the last 18 years since. what struck me the most was how much you mentioned fear. dr sarno says that fear (he's usually referring to the fear of returning to activity) is a BETTER avoidance technique than the pain is.
i can think back to times of incredible fear in my life and it is hard to handle. also, coming off these types of meds fast can really mess you up.
i think any good therapist is better than freaking out alone, so if i were you i wouldnt worry a therapist will keep you from getting over tms like going to doctors will.
as to how to tell the therapist? just like you told us.
all the best
Lee
A tranquil heart is life to the body, but passion is rottenness to the bones |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2005 : 08:36:52
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quote:
Originally posted by Seth
That what needs to happen is "short-term" get-at-the-heart-of-the-TMS-matter a la what Donald Dubin and other Sarano therapists do. Then begin to go over all of these issues once the pain is gone. But then I wonder if I just need to confront these issues.
Of course you need to confront the issues! It is avoidance that is the root of TMS symptoms.
Where did you learn that therapists only go over the issues once the pain is gone? This is completely false, and actually doesn't make a lot of sense.
quote:
And secondly, I'm seeing my psychiatrist this Saturday (a previously made appointment). I don't know how to approach this. Because I don't really want to mention any pain or symptoms, because he will dub it Somatization, which actually he did do a few years ago prior to me starting therapy and later finding out about TMS. How do I tell him what is going on?
There's no problem to stay on the Wellbutrin if it calms you down and helps you to confront your issues. Dr. Sarno may disagree, but I don't see much difference between antianxiety/antidepressant meds and painkillers, as long as you accept that you are only alleviating the symptoms, and you still have to do the TMS work.
It seems to me you are trying way too hard at this. It also seems as if you are still avoiding issues rather than facing them. Avoidance breeds TMS.
Don't try so hard to figure out the "right" or "best" way. This kind of obsessive thinking is just another symptom. Try to live in the moment and experience what you are feeling -- allow yourself to feel whatever it is. You're still bottling it up. |
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lobstershack
Australia
250 Posts |
Posted - 08/22/2005 : 18:23:30
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Dave, Lee, you're both so on point. I am truly grateful that I have this board as an outlet, thank you so much for taking the time to respond.
Now that I have calmed down, I have some thoughts and questions. First, I must say that I feel better emotionally, lighter even. I think this comes from not holding everything in for once and using the board and talking to my friends and my family.
My freak-out yesterday was much needed believe it or not. My life just started moving so fast and I was scrambling like a madman to consume each and every piece of TMS and self-help knowledge that I needed something like this to tell me to slow down. Sit down. And really focus on the important issues.
I understand the TMS theory so well intellectually since first learning about it last October. And over the past year I have come to learn slowly on an emotional level as well. But I'm still very much afraid and very much avoiding the issues necessary in order for me to recover. That is why I believe I had a breakdown yesterday. My body was like, "hey Seth, listen to me, and you’re getting way out hand."
I have OCD--yes, TMS I know--but for all intents and purposes OCD. I started developing symptoms around elementary school, more so in middle school, and just like many of the individuals who post here, I have a tendency to become, plain and simple, obsessed. I now see that I was obsessed with TMS, with getting better, with doing everything exactly as it should be done, with reading all of the self-help books I could get my hands on; all the while trying to cram all of this information into my head and use it all at once. And if I had a difficult time with it, I immediately took it as a defeat.
Any issues that would come up, while I would acknowledge them, I would rarely talk about them, even on this board, for fear of not being perfect, of failing. But this is going to change, because things are not going to change unless I face all that is bubbling inside of me. Easier said than done, I know.
So I've decided to keep my appointment with the psychiatrist on Saturday. I'm going to tell him that I no longer want on the Wellbutrin, since it's not altogether effective anymore. I'm going to tell him what has been going on, sans the TMS stuff, and suggest that we try something mild, just enough to give me that boast that I need. I now know that with medication it's not about tinkering and finding that magic combination which will eradicate all symptoms. Initially, I thought this was the case--back when I saw the psychiatrist for the first time a few years back. I also still didn't know what was causing my symptoms and thought that this magic combination would take them away.
My fear with the medication is that one, you cannot get better from TMS while taking them, and two, that by some act of spirit I will develop side-effects that are exactly like the symptoms I have now, so that even when the TMS symptoms will have gone I will still have the same headache, the same symptoms, and I'll be running around in circles forever.
I know, this what TMS wants, to have me running around forever trying to figure out what is wrong. Although this is not the correct approach, it feels so right. Eerily so. And this is where I wonder if I should see Sarno or another TMS doc. I don't want to get caught up in the "doctor cycle" that I know so well. I know what I have; my therapist knows what I have, as do my parents. Seeing a TMS doctor, while it might provide the necessary reassurance, ultimately the answer lies within me. This is the scary part. I think what I'm going to do is start saving slowly--$50 a week or so--that way if after a few months I still feel I need to see someone I can.
Psychiatrist Saturday. Check. I'm going to have a long talk next session with my therapist about my symptoms, TMS, Sarno's treatment protocol (I'll photocopy chapter 9 from MBP), and let him know that he should perhaps be more forthright with me. That I have a tendency to want to *****foot around the issues that should be addressed. That I have all of this emotion that I need help letting out. Just to make sure we're on the same page.
I'm still confused though. I've actually asked myself questions about my symptoms and TMS. And my mind keeps telling me that the key to the symptoms leaving is so simple, it's right in front of me. And I think this is where I'm having problems. IT IS SO SIMPLE. Deceivingly so. And I have such a ridiculous tendency to overanalyze, intellectualize, and read to hell and high water, that I'm not really doing what I'm supposed to do. I don't want to have to keep reading self-help books, and worrying about not reading the posts on this board, or not meditating enough. Life is becoming less enjoyable because of this. It's taking over.
It's fascinating how my mind can take even the things that are meant to help me and throw them back in my face.
I'm still puzzled though. So if the answer to TMS does not lie in solving all of the issues, which as we know can take a lifetime, if that, than what should I be doing in therapy. I've been spending so much time and energy racing to figure out and dissect all of my issues, all of my complexes, trying to get myself to wail out all of the emotion, in hopes of the TMS just going *poof*. And beating the crap out of myself when these issues don’t go away. Not the correct approach I assume.
I need to let go, to give up control.
Perhaps I should just take a break and chill out and realize that it's not a race, that no amount of reading or meditating will get me to being symptom free any faster. That it must come from within.
Oh, and my final fear for the evening--as if you haven't had enough already--has to do with time. I KNOW, I KNOW. Timetables are rubish and we must not create them and disregard them when we do, but I must at least vent my fear. It's just that here I am, 23, with a chronic headache and various other symptoms which I've had since 17. It took up until last October for me to finally accept thaat there might be an emotion cause for what was going on--even though people kept telling me.
I've come a long way, don't get me wrong, it's just that it's been almost 10 months since discovering Sarno, and I get the feeling--although I'm probably making it all up in my head--that even though people are supporting me (you guys and gals, my therapist, parents, etc.) what they're really thinking if it's taken this long and I'm not better yet, I'm never going to be. Don't get me wrong, I've made tremendious strides, and my symptoms are milder too, but symptoms are symptoms and pain is pain, and enough is enough! I somehow think that it's going to take years and years at this rate to get better. Or is it just a matter of getting the correct thinking into place and then things will begin to unfold.
I get very upset when I look at other kids my age and stop to realize when I am going through. I know, it could be worse, and yes it's great that I'm learning these life lessons so young, but still...I'm finally ready to move on.
But part of me is still very afraid of the headache and the other symptoms. Would it be permissable to talk to the areas where there is pain so as to help realize and figure out the reasons for it being there. And also to let my body know that I know what is going on, and I respect what it's doing.
When all is said and done, I feel confident that I will prevail. I'm young and strong, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm glad I flipped out yesterday. I guess they're right when they say everything happens for a reason.
Seth |
Edited by - lobstershack on 08/22/2005 19:02:44 |
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leegold
USA
66 Posts |
Posted - 08/23/2005 : 00:12:39
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"But part of me is still very afraid of the headache and the other symptoms. Would it be permissable to talk to the areas where there is pain so as to help realize and figure out the reasons for it being there. And also to let my body know that I know what is going on"
sarno absolutely advocates speaking to your brain about the fact that you know whats going on and "the jig is up"
"coming to terms with my sexuality."
im guessing that this is THE issue, right here. sexuality is a large part of wo we are. probably been causing huge stress, fear, rage at having to fight the norm and be comfortable with yourself, etc. a lot of people start ot get depressive symptoms after college (i did). i think you finally get to the point where you can catch a breath after having reached a major goal (graduation) after years of school.
NLP is great- i think anything that helps while avoiding going after the physical is a good thing.
Lee
A tranquil heart is life to the body, but passion is rottenness to the bones |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 08/23/2005 : 08:27:28
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quote:
Originally posted by Seth
My freak-out yesterday was much needed believe it or not.
Of course, you're like a boiling pot of water with a tight lid. You need to let out the steam. I suggest you do it every day. Find a quiet room and scream, cry, punch a pillow, and try your best to feel the stuff that's going on inside you. Once you really get going you'll be surprised what bubbles to the surface.
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...I was scrambling like a madman to consume each and every piece of TMS...
This is obsessive behavior and it is a TMS symptom, just like the pain.
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But I'm still very much afraid and very much avoiding the issues necessary in order for me to recover.
Yep. Avoidance is the enemy.
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And if I had a difficult time with it, I immediately took it as a defeat.
Learn not to treat your life as a series of battles. You cannot control everything. Accept that.
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My fear with the medication is that one, you cannot get better from TMS while taking them, and two, that by some act of spirit I will develop side-effects that are exactly like the symptoms I have now...
Again that's obsessive thinking. The drugs treat the symptoms. The cause is still there and you can still get better. Wean yourself off the Wellbutrin if you like, but you may actually benefit from a sedative like Xanax so you can calm down and do the work necessary to recover.
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Seeing a TMS doctor, while it might provide the necessary reassurance, ultimately the answer lies within me.
Frankly I don't think you need to see a TMS doctor. You are smart and perceptive and you know exactly what is going on. You just cannot control the obsessive thoughts. You need to try your best to treat the obsessive thoughts as TMS, learn to stop them in their tracks. When you find your mind scrambling just yell at yourself to STOP. Clear your mind of all thoughts. Take deep breaths. Learn how to meditate. Take up yoga. At this point, the obsessive thoughts are more important to treat than the pain, because they are consuming you.
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When all is said and done, I feel confident that I will prevail.
Know that this is true, and just do the work. Don't put any timetable on your recovery. You have to change your life. It's not easy and progress will be slow. Just accept your symptoms and stop trying to fight them. You can't win the battle by fighting the symptoms; you need to make the symptoms less relevant. |
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samthefish
23 Posts |
Posted - 08/23/2005 : 13:01:46
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I agree with Dave that obsessing about TMS itself can be a TMS symptom. We're all impatient, but this isn't the sort of thing that you will get rid of 10 times faster if you spend 10 times as much time thinking about it. For me I try to schedule at most 1 hour a day (often only 15-30 min) to sit quietly and think about stuff that's bugging me. I think of it as similar to working out muscles to get stronger - you do a one hour "workout" session, then wait a day to relax and let the benefit sink in. You're really changing the way that you think, and it can be done - many people on this board are proof.
I think Dr. Sarno hints at this when he suggests reading the daily reminders but says something like "be careful not to make it a ritual". Someone doing it as a ritual is using it to achieve a placebo effect, perhaps starting to obsess with it, not really thinking about what the words mean but seeing them as a "magical incantation" of sorts. Dr. Sarno wants us to really think about what the words mean and incorporate them.
I don't want to try to diagnose the meaning of your "freak out" or "meltdown" sessions, but if you asked me my opinion over a beer I would say that these are just another defense mechanism to distract you from your emotional issues, and that actually they're probably a good sign that you're making progress: Your mind is finding it's unsucessful using TMS pain to distract you from your emotional problems and is now trying the "freak out" route. Don't be fooled, talk to your mind and let it know what's up and you see through the charade. Look at the underlying emotional problems head on, you'll be OK. You're much stronger than you think. I've flipped out before and was much, much stronger for the experience.
Your TMS gremlin is the one trying to scare you into thinking that having the wrong therapist, etc. will somehow prevent you from getting better. Look at the gremlin square in the eyes, tell him he's an idiot and to get lost. Having a sense of humor if you can helps too - the TMS gremlin can't stand being laughed at.
Best of Luck!
SamTheFish
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yowire
USA
70 Posts |
Posted - 08/23/2005 : 19:06:57
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Wow Seth, You've really gotten some terrific responses from people. I tried really hard to find something to add but I think I'll just try to reinforce what's already been said.
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Dave wrote:
You need to try your best to treat the obsessive thoughts as TMS....
Dave is 100% correct as usual. Listen to him.
Leegold also had some great insights.
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samthefish wrote:
"the TMS gremlin can't stand being laughed at".
This is so true. One of my own symptoms used to be that my jaw would become dislocated upon yawning or sometimes even eating. After waiting out these very painful episodes until I could pop my jaw back into place, I would suddenly find myself laughing like heck. For some reason, the thought of me sitting there in pain waiting for my jaw to pop back in, struck me as very funny. This was way before I ever heard of Dr. Sarno but I think I was on to something because after I read MindBody Prescription, the first symptom to dramatically improve was my jaw problem (TMJ). I think this was because I never really took it seriously and would laugh at it.
quote:
Seth wrote:
"Well the past year has seen so many major events transpire before my eyes: I came out last summer, a huge deal and a huge contributor to my TMS I'm sure; graduating college this past May; starting a new job"
Coming out takes tremendous courage. Finishing college and getting a new job all while your dealing with disturbing symptoms shows you have great character. I have no doubt that you will eventually defeat TMS. It really shouldn't even be close. You are giving your symptoms way too much power.
Yowire |
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lobstershack
Australia
250 Posts |
Posted - 08/24/2005 : 19:08:43
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I'm sitting here teary eyed. I'm just so happy that everyone took the time and wrote such wonderful, helpful, and thoughtful responses!
I have been doing a lot of thinking since Sunday. I'm finally ready to get on with my life and leave these symptoms behind. This is very scary as you all can imagine, because the symptoms in essence become part of who we are--even though we all know they really truly aren't.
Now, I've had similar "AH HAH!" moments before, mainly when I was running around like a madman diagnosing myself with various illnesses and syndromes. As soon as I came upon something new that could be the answer, or a novel treatment protocol I would get a similar feeling to the one I'm experiencing now. Instead of riding this wave of optimism and avoiding and denying the issues that must be faced--only to wonder why things aren't changing--I'm ready to face them head on.
Here's another kicker: part of me is excited to see the Psychiatrist and get new meds. The way the game has been played in the past, is that I get excited over anything other than the emotional, this time the psychotropics, and think that getting on a new one will be the answer and my symptoms will go away. I know this is not the case, but I feel so ashamed for getting excited at this prospect even though it's happened so many times before, all with the same result, my symptoms remain.
I'm just continually amazed that it took over 5 years for me to even begin to accept that my symptoms were emotionally rooted, and almost a year to realize that the approach I've been taking, while not wrong--it did lead me to where I am now--is ultimately not what will help me.
I actually picked up a fantasy novel and began reading it, for fun! This feels so strange, reading something just to shoot the breeze and enjoy myself, instead of cramming TMS and self-help techniques into my brain. I must get over the fact that this is perfectly fine, healthy even, and that recovery--like many of you have mentioned already--will not come quicker doing what I have done in the past.
It's just that I'm still confused--and I realize that I am overanalyzing--as to why people, e.g., Dr. Schechter, say that we do not have to solve all of our issues in order to recover from TMS. Because by beginning to tackle the issues, facing them head on, TMS begins to go away. But it's not because certain issues are being solve--they don't have to be--it's because we are changing our focus entirely? This prospect is scary indeed, because I cannot help but enter into it thinking that the pain will last forever because every issue must be solved.
Then, for instance, I begin to think of a particular issue, coming out to my co-workers for example, and while it does bother me a bit, I start to convince myself that if I don't come to some resolution IMMEDIATELY the pain will never go away. Same with my father, yes I do have a great deal of issues with him, but there's something on my mind that I want to speak about, and I will when the time is right--probably this weekend--but my mind starts to chatter: you must talk to him now and let it out now or else the pain is never going to go away. What is this? Thinking along these lines exhausts me, because I am only human, there are only so many hours in the day, I do need to enjoy myself, life isn't meant to spent wallowing in my emotional issues all day, like has been the case.
I mentioned I'm going to use this board more often, and I think that is key. There have been many times where I've said, oh I'll post this or journal it, but never ever did. And I need to force myself to let it out if anything is ever going to change.
I know we're not supposed to talk about symptoms, but just for today...While the chronic headache in my temples was my first symptom to appear and is my most distressing, I do have others, such as occasional twitching, mild knee discomfort, a burning in my chest (this started a week or two prior to starting my new job), and some other transient ones. I've realized that I can literally focus on ANY part of my body and create sensation, to the point where my whole body is either hurting or stimulated or something I can't really articulate right now. It's just upsetting to have all of this junk at 23, and sometimes it makes me feel like I've lost my mind (I know I haven't, not yet at least  ).
Samthefish (love the name by the way) mentioned spending an hour max per day doing the necessary emotional work. Do you know what I was doing as of late? I would need at least 15min to meditate (and this had to be done perfectly [if such a thing exists (it doesn't)] or else I would feel like I made no progress, at least 20min of TMS reading, then time spent thinking about emotional issues, even though I would be superficially glazing over them all day. This is WAY too much. It literally consumed my entire day, and I didn't realize this until Sunday!
Do you think it's ok if I don't read Sarno or this board everyday?
And when I do try and think of things that are bothering me I tend to get stuck on one thought, one particular "scene" from my past, and can't seem to get past it, to get any deeper. Any suggestions for overcoming this?
Also, I did mention the coming out at work thing and since it is on my mind I would like your advice. My parents and others I've spoken to say it's not at all necessary to come out formally to my co-workers. Sexuality is private, your private life is private, work is work. Now I did tell one girl at work, and I am aware that people talk, and I am also aware that people are not stupid (the "gaydar" does exist lol), so I'm sure people know even though I haven't formally told them. Must I? My office is very young, and from what I gather pretty liberal, although I could be wrong. It's just that the people in my department are always talking about relationships and the like and I get uncomfortable. There is part of me that wants to scream it out to everyone thinking that everything will be better if I do (not that anything is wrong, externally that is). But perhaps I need to become comfortable with myself--which is a HUGE issue for me right now--before I begin telling people at work. That's not to say that I will not tell people if it happens to come up, I just won't volunteer it.
It's so incredibly weird to explore my emotions, this is all so foreign. I must tred slowly.
Oh wait, another thought: I'm terified of crying. This is due I think to a fear of losing control, a fear of exposing weaknesses, a fear that somehow I failed. In my mind I've created this idea that in order for my pain to leave I'm going to have to wail my brains out and wallow for weeks on end. While it is true that I probably will cry down the line, does this have to be the case? I must say I think about it a lot. It scares me. Sometimes I believe that I have to schedule wailing sessions, but does such a thing exist? You cannot plan these things. Me oh my, so many thoughts swirling about in Seth's head!
So that's it for now. You guys are making this road so much easier to travel. Thanks again!
Seth |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 08/24/2005 : 19:11:59
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Seth,
You are so funny. You should be a writer. I always enjoy reading the things you write.
I'm glad you are doing better. Keep up the good work. Reading the novel - just for fun - what a concept!!! I should try that. Every book I have is a self-help book. Enough already!
Take care, Seth.
Laura
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2005 : 13:09:39
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quote:
Originally posted by Seth
Oh wait, another thought: I'm terified of crying. This is due I think to a fear of losing control, a fear of exposing weaknesses, a fear that somehow I failed. In my mind I've created this idea that in order for my pain to leave I'm going to have to wail my brains out and wallow for weeks on end. While it is true that I probably will cry down the line, does this have to be the case? I must say I think about it a lot. It scares me. Sometimes I believe that I have to schedule wailing sessions, but does such a thing exist? You cannot plan these things. Me oh my, so many thoughts swirling about in Seth's head!
Seth- TMS started very early in your life and the pattern of repression of emotion was laid down with lots of walls of reinforcement. You need to let go of the notion that this is going away any time soon and just force yourself to live your life with the symptoms as best you can. I know this is hard because i'm in the same boat that you are in.
You are intellectualizing your emotional pain big time. When you see yourself doing it slow down and try and feel, as Dave was saying, instead of thinking. TMS is not thinking its the lack of feeling.
You may want to consider looking into some of the inner child stuff as its clear that the problems go way back for you. I've found it helpful to connect with feelings. Over time you may want to try doing some visualizations where you go back in time and find yourself as a child. Find the child and talk to him. Tell him you know how much he has gone through. Tell him that you love him. Tell him that you are going to visit him often and try to learn as much as you can about his hurt and pain. Tell him that you accept him - all of him exactly as he is.
Ok the last paragraph may have helped me more than you but this is helping me feel so what the hell. |
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lobstershack
Australia
250 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2005 : 19:07:14
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I'm taking a response hiatus today, but I would still like to extend warm loving feelings of thanks!
Speak to everyone tomorrow!
Actually I did have one thing to say: miehnesor, I value your opinion very much, your advice is very on point, but, while I do understand that I must live my life and the symptoms will take care of themselves, isn't thinking that they're not going to go away any time soon in essence self defeating? Yes, I do understand that we cannot expect them to leave tomorrow, or possibly even next week, and no, we should avoid tracking progress, but that statement left me a bit fluttered mentally. Let me know what you think.
Posting everyday is so fun! (And cathartic!) |
Edited by - lobstershack on 08/25/2005 19:10:29 |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 08/25/2005 : 19:41:53
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quote:
Originally posted by Seth
Actually I did have one thing to say: miehnesor, I value your opinion very much, your advice is very on point, but, while I do understand that I must live my life and the symptoms will take care of themselves, isn't thinking that they're not going to go away any time soon in essence self defeating? Yes, I do understand that we cannot expect them to leave tomorrow, or possibly even next week, and no, we should avoid tracking progress, but that statement left me a bit fluttered mentally. Let me know what you think.
Seth- I'm sorry I said that because I don't know when your symptoms are going to be gone just as I don't know when mine will be gone. All we can do is do the TMS work and try to carry on and not let it run our lives and occupy our thoughts too much. This is easy to say and hard to do when you are in TMS pain and I know how tough it can be. I'm sorry if I ramble on with the inner child stuff too much. I'm sure the group must be pretty tired of my broken record on that one. It's just that feeling is the only thing that has had any affect on my own TMS symptoms and when you can experience the repressed feelings it can really give you religion that there is really something buried inside that is causing the physical pain.
Seth- you are making progress and have a lot of courage to go at it the way that you have. Keep on truckin! |
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yowire
USA
70 Posts |
Posted - 08/26/2005 : 18:20:05
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Seth wrote:
quote:
It's just that I'm still confused--and I realize that I am overanalyzing--as to why people, e.g., Dr. Schechter, say that we do not have to solve all of our issues in order to recover from TMS. Because by beginning to tackle the issues, facing them head on, TMS begins to go away. But it's not because certain issues are being solve--they don't have to be--it's because we are changing our focus entirely? This prospect is scary indeed, because I cannot help but enter into it thinking that the pain will last forever because every issue must be solved.
Every issue does not have to be solved. There are several theories as to why this is so. In a recent interview, Dr. Sarno postulated that the reason his program may work is because the unconscious mind eventually loses its fear of the rage. This is not an exact quote but it was along these lines. Dr. Nancy Selfridge has a book called "Freedom from Fibromyalgia" in which she tries to explain the neurochemistry as to why Dr. Sarno's method works even though the emotional issues need not be solved or even found. Her explanations are based on the work of Candace Pert and have to do with the interruption of the neuropeptide chemistry of pain that happens with Dr.Sarno's method.
I don't know if any of this is true and I don't think it matters. I believe if you just keep at it you will see results in time.
quote:
Seth wrote:
Do you think it's ok if I don't read Sarno or this board everyday?
Yes. Its OK. You don't have to make this a chore.
quote:
Seth wrote:
Now I did tell one girl at work, and I am aware that people talk, and I am also aware that people are not stupid (the "gaydar" does exist lol), so I'm sure people know even though I haven't formally told them. Must I?
This is up to you, of course, but it is none of your co-workers business. You are not obligated to tell them.
quote:
Seth wrote:
In my mind I've created this idea that in order for my pain to leave I'm going to have to wail my brains out and wallow for weeks on end. While it is true that I probably will cry down the line, does this have to be the case?
No. I don't think you need to cry excessively. I have had great improvement of many symptoms and I only cried a few times doing the work.
Yowire |
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lobstershack
Australia
250 Posts |
Posted - 08/27/2005 : 22:58:47
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Ok,
So I saw the psychiatrist today and told him basically what I have told you guys and gals and we agreed to taper of the 150mg of Wellbutrin that I am on and start fresh with a new medication: Cymbalta. I'm going to start out taking the lowest dose, 20mg, and take it from there. Now here is where my neuroses kick in--when don't they?
Cymbalta is the newest antidepressant on the market and is in the same class of medication as Effexor. It has been approved for not only depression, but chronic pain as well. Yikes!
Now for some reason I'm terrified of taking it. I'm not exactly sure why. What if I take it and by some primordial act of fate all of my symptoms and pain disappear? HA! I mean, I'm also certain this is not going to happen, but I'm afraid that if it does in fact have a positive effect on my pain/symptoms that I will not be able to address their root cause and I will be stuck with the TMS mama forever.
My father put it nicely: he said, Seth, why don't you think of it this way, tell yourself that if it helps with the pain, that is fine, but this is not why you're taking it, for you're addressing the root cause, the emotions.
Can you begin to understand why I'm thinking this way? I was so proud of myself for gathering up the courage to actually admit that I'm not perfect and that it's ok to reach out for help, and that I might need to try something new chemically, but, as is the case with me and anything medically related, no matter what, things seem to always get out of control inside my head.
Can anyone provide any insight for this lost lamb? 
Also, I know I'm not supposed to discuss symptoms, I understand that, but I wanted to get this off my chest, literally. About a week or two prior to starting my new job I developed this mild burning pain on my left side underneath my breast/rib cage area. Then it went away, for the most part. Now, as of Wednesday--note my breakdown on Sunday--it has returned. This scares me. Right before my eyes I can see the power that TMS has on me. My desire to focus and obsess on this new symptom is incredible.
Now, I am due for a yearly physical, and will bring it up to the doctor if it is not gone by then, but I cannot help but wrongfully muse: what if it's my heart? Or the beginning stages of some type of cancer? I'm only 23!
And when I do go for my checkup, I was going to ask them to run a Lyme Disease test just for sh-ts and giggles. I KNOW I don't have LD. In fact, before I knew TMS was the problem, I subjected myself to over 6 months of IV antibiotics, and countless others of oral medications. But, just to get one last test would get the thought out of my head once and for all--I think.
Seth |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2005 : 10:30:54
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Does your psychiatrist know that you have such high anxiety? Did you explain to him your "out of control" thoughts inside your head?
If so I find it interesting that he would give you an anti-depressant and not an anti-anxiety medication. I assume you trust your doctor, but you should know that doctors often have incentives to perscribe the "latest and greatest" meds.
The mild burning pain could be heartburn, a TMS symptom. Or it could be nothing. It is unlikely that it is serious or has anything to do with your heart. But if you're concerned, you should see a cardiologist.
Unfortunately you'll keep developing new symptoms and keep seeing other doctors to rule out the terrible things that you think they might be. You're still unable, for whatever reason, to really accept TMS, including treating the anxiety itself as TMS. Maybe the new medication will help you to calm down, but if it doesn't, perhaps you should see a different psychiatrist.
The anxiety is a smokescreen and prevents your recovery. You might benefit from special relaxation techniques, though personally I have not used any. If I find my mind racing, I tell myself "SHHHH!!!!" and then pull an imaginary curtian over those thoughts. I don't allow them to continue. I focus on breathing, or force myself to think of something completely different, preferably something calm and soothing.
You can stop the anxiety, but it takes focus and hard work. |
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Lmvine
27 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2005 : 12:21:28
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Good advice from Dave. Anti-depressants made my anxiety worse.
Short term advice: get out and do some aerobic exercise walk, hike, run bike, swim, etc. Do something fun & strenous. Volunteering is another good remedy though not quite as short term. Both help my anxiety.
You didn't get into this fix in a day so don't expect "one minute wonders".
Dan |
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lobstershack
Australia
250 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2005 : 13:27:20
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Dave & Dan,
Thanks for your thoughts. I did explain to my psychiatrist my anxiety, etc. I told him that ideally I would like something that covers not only depression, but anxiety as well. Apparently, this medication covers a number of different fields. I agree with everything you've said, all of your suggestions. Currently, there is a ton on my mind and I'm trying to work through it all, slowly, piece by piece. I'm supremely happy that all of this has transpired this past week and am even happier that all of you have been here to support me.
I'm going to relax at Barnes and Nobel now. I'll speak to you tonight.
Seth |
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Curiosity18
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2005 : 16:33:19
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Seth,
I know a handful of people who have really been helped by Cymbalta. It does seem to work on |
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Curiosity18
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 08/28/2005 : 16:42:11
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Seth,
Sorry, computer error! Anyway as I was saying, the Cymbalta does seem to work on both the anxiety as well as the Depression. It also helps with the obsessive, ruminating thoughts. I really like the advice that your father gave you. While the medication may, or may not impact your pain level, that is not your intent. In fact I would think that it would help you to be able to better focus on, and work through the TMS emotional issues. Go easy on yourself!
Curiosity18 |
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What a day...
