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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
 Posted - 07/03/2005 : 19:47:30
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Hi everyone.
Ever since I've recovered from TMS I've had an aversion to leaving really important emotional issues unresolved.I guess I'm reconditioned to fear holding anything in lest it create some sort of physical malady...there's lots of other things besides back pain...colds,flus,strange 'funks'...the list is probably endless.
This has caused a serious rift between my wife and I.She is of the "pretend it's ok and it'll go away" school of thought.She also is in pain a LOT of the time....she's given lip service to Sarno,but never done 'the work' to overcome her pain....too many scary things in her past,I guess.One in particular:She will NEVER confront a family member no matter how wrong they are,lest they abandon her.......though she's perfectly capable of confronting me.
To shorten up this post,I'll suffice it to say that the chasm has widened enough that we are now looking into a divorce.It was triggered by an episode that occured while her Family was visiting,but was obviously lying dormant waiting for the right triggers to set it in motion.
....I remember the 'joys' of being able to focus on a physical syndrome to take my mind off of my RAGE and frustration.I have no such blanket anymore.I don't miss the pain/illness but it does HURT a lot having to feel stuff.
peace
Baseball65 |
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altherunner
Canada
511 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2005 : 21:48:35
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| I can't imagine that I know what pain you are in, but I recently felt grief like never before. My mother is in the hospital, she is 82, and the nurse called me to come and say goodbye. I was overcome with grief. I think that being more open to feelings, and not trying to repress them, leaves us open to emotional pain. I wish you the best. |
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n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2005 : 02:56:58
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You are so right, Baseball65 - and I'm so sorry to hear that you and your wife feel that you need to consider divorce. Realising that physical pain was a diversion from the need to confront painful emotional situations, is of course, a healthier situation to be in, in the long run, but in those of us who have supressed these natural emotions - we're just not used to dealing with that.
I can relate to your wife's inability to confront her family - I still can't face up to my mother properly - and I have dealt really well with my physical pain. Is there no way that you can work through this with her, without making it necessary to deal head-on with her family?
My husband has asked me many times why it is that I can confront him with no trouble at all, but am so afraid to upset my mother. I think it's because if I do face up to her, I'll find it impossible to help and support her and what kind of person can abandon an eighty-two years old lady?
Very best wishes
Anne
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marytabby
USA
545 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2005 : 04:00:30
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Baseball,
I also would feel the way you do about getting to the bottom of emotional stuff, lest I have an attack of some type. It's more valuable to get things figured out and out front, difficult as it may be to face them off head on. I think it's a better path, no matter what. Better to deal with the emotions than let them fester into another "funk" as you put it. I get those funks as well and they're not worth any suppression of emotions. Sorry to hear about the direction things have taken. Ultimately though, it's like this: we're the only ones that can save our lives and do what is necessary to keep our lives sane and pain free. If others, including family and spouses do not/cannot deal properly with their stuff, then we're caught up in their crap, to the point where it BECOMES our crap and we're back at square one again. Sorry if this is confusing. I'm just trying to say sorry for your situation but glad you are feeling good physically. |
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2005 : 08:32:59
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Hi again.
Thanks for the support and outlooks. I appreciate it,as I feel really alone and hurt now,FEEL being the operative word.
ANNE... that is the very same situation that we have here.However,I have never implied that she need face them head on..just acknowledge that they are wrong(her Family)...the inverse implication is what I usually am blamed for :"If you loved me,you'd just 'suck it up'P
Her Brother and Sister were here,in my home,drinking themselves into oblivion all day long.I was angry,as they had My 12 year old in their 'care' and got so drunk they couldn't drive home from a bowling alley.Than,they left my 31 year old cousin who was on the verge of violence in my care,whilst they went out to dinner(and to drink some more)
At 9:50 PM they decided to go swimming in the building pool...I said they shouldn't,as the pool closes at 10 PM.They ignored me and went anyway...and were escorted out of the place by the complexes police officer.Than,at 10:30-11PM I told them it was time to go to bed(I had to be at work at 7AM)
They decided to move their party down into the building common grounds.I told them they absolutely could NOT do this,as it is against the rules,and furthermore MY WIFE HAS MADE ME COMPLAIN TO THE BUILDING MANAGEMENT ABOUT OTHERS DOING THE SAME THING(when SHE needed to sleep)
My wife didn't back me up....she appeased them and said she would go and 'watch' them....wrong.
Than(you'll LOVE this) the next morning I had to run home for something I forgot,and I found her sister in my room,at my desk where I had explicitly told her she was NOT allowed to be...My TMS journal,and other 'sensitive' personal stuff is right on my desktop!!!
So...after they left,I assumed that my wife might .....uhhhh...apologize??
Instead,she ridiculed me for being angry.She told me that I was the 'wrong' one and implied that I was the problem.We had a furious row in which she struck me,and than had the nerve to call MY mother and tell her that she was afraid of ME!!!(I've never touched her...ever...she's struck me countless times)
.....so(drama,drama,drama,drama)
Her Father molested her oldest sister,beat her mother and older brothers and I have been portrayed as THAT a-hole my whole life.ALL MALE ANGER IS FORBIDDEN in my household,because all MALES ARE HER FATHER!!!!
I have seen this for years,but I guess I've had me fill of being the Bad guy.I've tried every conceivable method and approach to guide her to deal with it,and I'm tired ,hurt and weary.
I have no more repression methods left,and I'm afraid of being too adult about it lest my TMS come back in full force.
Thanx for letting me ramble
in pieces.....
Baseball65 |
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polly
127 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2005 : 08:52:04
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Marc,
You need a lot of reassurance that this is not your problem (well, it is now) and that you didn't do anything wrong. The problem is that being right isn't going to resolve anything.
I'm married a loooong time. We've had battles you could sell tickets to. We've been near divorce more than once. My husbands family members are some of the most gruesome, invasive, manipulating monsters I've ever known. I have no family. I tried real hard with them. My husband is a powerful, successful businessman. I never understood how he could turn into such a worm when it came to his family. He sure stood up to me. And, that's what I think your wife is doing. All the power that they zap from her by anger gets reconstituted and turned on you.
It's not an easy dance. I sure wanted the music to stop more than once. Being attacked is no picnic, but you're just a substitute and you know that. She doesn't. She'll fight back even harder when you try to point it out. Sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to see. She saw abuse of the worst kind. I'm sure she's a world class denial expert. You try and crack that and she'll crack you.
You're too beautiful a man to have this in your life...but it is. All I can tell you is that I have no regrets sticking it out (with time outs for the bad behavior).
My prayers are with you. I know this is kind of off topic, but you've been there for everyone.
Polly |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2005 : 12:01:33
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Baseball,
What a horrible chain of events. It sounds like you have given your marriage your all and it still isn't enough, because marriage takes two. If I were in your shoes, I would certainly be feeling the same way.
I, too, have been going through some marital problems and can totally relate to your story. Like your wife, my husband always chooses to take his family's side over mine, which has been a thorn in my side as far back as I can remember. Of course, the signs of this were evident back 24 years ago when we were first dating but I was so lovestruck I didn't take the time to heed the warnings. It is difficult when you are in a marriage and it seems that the needs of your spouse's family members always come first. It is a great big f--- you, slap in the face! We have had countless fights that pertain to my husband's family and they are all still quite vivid in my mind. Just recently that ugliness came out during my daughter's bat mitzvah. My husband's sister is divorced. Her ex is a great guy and he is our daughter's uncle. We have no problems with him. He is kind to my children and when he sees them he behaves the way a loving uncle should. My sister-in-law included him in every family event for years, even after they divorced. Then, she met her new boyfriend (who is obnoxious and abrasive and whom nobody can stand) and the ex was no longer welcome anywhere. Well, the ex is still our friend and he is still her daughter's father, and he is still my daughter's uncle. So, we invited him to the bat mitzvah and she was pissed. We also allowed him to light a candle during the candlelighting ceremony. My husband, at one point, said to me "In all fairness to my sister, I don't think we should have him light a candle." Mind you, his own daughter adores her uncle and he comes to our house still and we all hang out but in order to appease his sister I was supposed to pull my this guys name off the list and find someone else to fit his spot at the last minute for the candlelighting. This is so typical of my husband. His sister is treated like a princess and I'm second. It has been a huge source of stress in our marriage.
Back when we were first dating, I had just been fired (wrongly!) from a job. I had to pay for my apartment and utilities and had no income. My husband mentioned that his sister was applying for a job as a hostess at a new restaurant that was opening. I went to the place and I applied and got hired as a cocktail waitress since that was the only job open (I had formerly been a waitress at an upscale restaurant). My husband, upon learning they were thinking of hiring me, said "Oh, great, going and stealing my sister's job before she even gets it." We had the most massive argument and nearly broke up.
Back about 8 years ago, when our youngest daughter was turning 5, we were having a birthday party for her at a place that does tea parties for little girl's birthdays. The cost was $25 per child and my daughter had her sister plus a bunch of girls from kindergarten so it was going to be a bit expensive for a birthday party. My niece (sister-in-law's daughter) was almost 3 years old. The rules of the place were that no one under the age of four was allowed, as there were breakable tea cups and tea pots and things all around the room. So, I decided that since my niece wouldn't be able to be a part of the party I'd make a separate "family" party for all the relatives, just for her. My interfering mother-in-law called and told my sister-in-law about the tea party, and then my sister-in-law called my husband at work and started giving him a hard time about how it was "unfair" that she wasn't invited to the tea party. My husband then starts screaming at me "Why don't you just be nice and invite her?" as if I had made up the rules at the tea party place. It was world war III. I remember talking to someone about it who said "It says right in the bible that a man shall leave his home and cleave unto his wife." In other words, she said, "You are his family now and he needs to start showing his loyalty to you." This has never happened. I cannot tell you the fights we have had because of his family.
You needed your wife to back you up and she didn't. I understand, because I have the same exact problem. It makes you feel second best, to say the least, as if your feelings count for absolutely NOTHING!!! I've been sick with a nasty stomach flu for two weeks. My sister-in-law's birthday is July 5th. My birthday was June 3. I didn't get so much as a phone call or anything from my husband's sister. I sent my sister-in-law out a really pretty card. She called yesterday to tell us that her boyfriend was having a barbeque last night and they wanted us to come (it's an hour away). Of course, my husband wanted me to get up off the couch and pull myself together in order to make her happy -- never mind that I've been nauseated for two weeks and had stomach cramps ALL night long, which left me with no sleep. The princess called so I was supposed to jump, and I didn't. I've finally gotten to the point where I don't do things if I don't want to.
We ended up staying home yesterday and having a fine day, but last night we got into a huge argument about our 13 year old daughter (he called her "useless" which is something my own father used to call me and it struck a nerve.) It got pretty ugly. I ended up locking myself in our room and falling asleep at 9:00 last night because I was so upset with my husband. I feel that a divorce is imminent it's only a matter of time. We just seem to argue more than we get along. I have suggested marriage counseling but he doesn't want to take part.
During the last weeks leading up to our daughter's bat mitzvah, and during the weeks following it, we arued so much about the cost of everything that it was difficult. The night of the bat mitzvah, I was so excited to hear my husband's reaction to how everything looked. He said nothing, nothing except "We spent way too much money." I had worked my butt off for six months and that's all he could say. He had gotten over to the clubhouse a few minutes before me and when I walked in, makeup done, hair done, wearing my evening gown, I was so needing him to say "Honey, you look pretty." He said nothing. He grabbed my arm and said "Hurry up, we need to get outside to shoot pictures." We didn't speak pretty much throughout the entire party. I talked to all my friends, I even danced with all my friends, but my husband and I barely spoke. In fact, there is not one photo of us even dancing together because we didn't!
Sorry for the rant. I guess what I'm trying to say, Marc, is that I understand your feelings and I feel for your pain. Marriage is the toughest thing in the world. You need to do what is best for you. You only have one life to live and this is it. Why spend it in misery? That is how I feel. We have talked about divorce and I know that if we cannot get it together we will be there right along with you. I don't know how we can fix this if half of the problem isn't willing to get help.
Good luck to you and know there are others thinking of you and wishing you well.
Laura
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Baseball65
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2005 : 14:03:09
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Hi Laura and Polly.
Thanks for the input....It actually helps knowing I'm not the only one.It's weird...I never thought in my younger days that I'd ever be comforted by being normal(having invented originimality and Iconoclasm and a lot of other malapropisms )
I really love my wife and that is why this is so painful.She's got a lot of really admirable qualities.She is kind,patient,loving and a wonderful spirit.Funny...what Laura said about 'knowing about it before you were married'....My best friend at the time told me that all me and my wife had to work out was her "ostrich syndrome" and we were otherwise the perfect couple.
Ostrich syndrome is ducking your head and pretending it's not there.I guess I genetically have always been confrontative and have had to work(carefully with TMS in mind) at NOT swatting at every fly.
My wife on the other hand will let ANYONE trample her,but if I stub her toe....LOOK OUT!!
My sister offended my wife severely right after we were married and I told my sister she could not EVER talk to my wife that way.My Mother and my wife got into it once and my mom called me and told me specifically to stand firm with my wife,even if it meant estrangement from her,my own mother(long since repaired)
My friend who checked me into and paid for my drug rehab when I was a homeless junkie happened to be smoking pot in my private rehearsal studio one day.I have no problem with pot smokers(I don't do the stuff myself...yecccchh)...My wife made me immediately go and tell him to stop!(imagine what a jerk I felt like)...same thing with a couple of other friends...always have stood up for her even when it's not what I believe.
That's all....I guess I feel no different than Polly or Laura.
Funny.....she called me this morning and told me she Loved me.I told her I loved her too.Immediately after hanging up the phone,I got a searing shot of sciatica down my right leg!!
I laughed it right away,but it was sort of obvious......the child in me wants to tell her to F-off and get out of my life,but the adult can see a glimmer of the wisdom in Polly's Longer view and sort of intuitively knows that IF I'm supposed to be Married than this is something I'm going to have to find a way to work through.
I'll have to have extra journaling and TMS awareness through the whole deal.
I do appreciate the support and insight.....this is one of the only places I can be perfectly candid with impunity.
Thanx
Baseball65 |
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polly
127 Posts |
Posted - 07/04/2005 : 18:03:06
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Marc,
One day when my husband is sleeping, I will tatoo TMS MAKER on his forehead. Somewhere hidden, for me only, will be tatooed "only if I let him".
I will tell you that no one in his family bothers me at all anymore and he's changed without me prodding. He actually emptied a dishwasher for the first time a few weeks ago. Of couse, he acted like he'd just broken the DaVinci Code and split the atom, so I'm letting him do it all the time now.
I'm sure your wife loves you. It's just become very safe for her to hate you. If she ever dealt with the rage she's carrying...well it seems like it would overwhelm her. She trusts you.
Hope you're okay,
Polly |
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TMS recovery not all ROSES.....emotional pain
