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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
 Posted - 06/23/2005 : 13:28:22
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I'm not sure if it's just me but I'm noticing lately that in just about every post I read people are talking about the "root" of their TMS being linked to their mothers. Is this an epidemic in society? I have serious issues with my mother, and previously when I posted on dizziness I realized that nearly everyone else on that thread did as well. Is it just that we have all been suppressed throughout our childhoods and have never been able to air our feelings to our own mothers, and thus the hidden anger and rage? I know I have so much anger directed at my own mother, which is always made worse by spending time with her. As I posted previously, she was here a couple of weeks ago and since she has returned home she has not returned any of my phone calls. Since she always gets her feathers ruffled very easily, I keep wondering what I could have said or done this time to piss her off. I wish I didn't care so much. Maybe that's where the rage comes in. I don't know.
Any thoughts?
Laura
Laura
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molomaf
119 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2005 : 14:30:09
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Both my parents were not the best but yes, my mother is the one that did the most damage to me. I knew as a child that something was wrong but there's not much you can do when you have no power as a child. She was incredibly critical about my weight, clothes, hair, friends-you name it. She had(has) such low self-esteem that everything(including children) had to be perfect. Guess what? I wasn't perfect enough for her. I have terrible body image problems and low self-esteem which is definitely why I have skin issues. A lot of anger there.
Michele |
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n/a
374 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2005 : 14:33:14
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I think it's such a difficult thing to deal with because the mother-child bond is all too often idealised in our societies. Any mother who does not put her child, first or last is seen as some kind of monster and as we age, any adult child who doesn't return that love is seen as unnatural and selfish.
Just think of all the fuss over mother's day - a commercial bonanza, I know, but it hits the spot. The ad men are on safe ground - we all have to love our mothers and appreciate all they have done for us, right?
I remember discussing my relationship with my psychotherapist and telling her about how I felt so guilty resenting her demands on me because she is not a bad person - was never openly cruel.
She said that if the parent is not there emotionally for a child in early childhood, it can, and often does cause emotional problems for the child later in life - with their relationships, self-esteem and in most areas of their lives. As we know, TMS is one manifestation of inner-rage that probably goes way back to that time
I try to look at it as a long line going back to goodness knows when - my mother couldn't be a mother in the emotional sense to her children because her mother, my grandmother probably was the same with her (actually she was a pretty mean woman); her father was an alcoholic - back and back it goes.
But it is my goal - thus far and no further! My daughter and I have had lots of discussions about this and I really think that we have broken through. My son listens, but doesn't say much - I think he's taking it all in though.
My little three year old grandaughter is in danger of believing she is the crown princess of the whole world, because it is difficult to get it right, Finding a balance between making sure that she grows up emotionally secure with good self-esteem and spoiling her rotten is difficult.
Are your photos up yet, Laura? I'd love to have a look at them.
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2005 : 14:39:33
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Anne,
What you said about Mothers Day made me think of something. I always agonize during both Mothers Day AND Fathers Day. I read the cards and it takes me so long to find the right one, mainly because I don't FEEL the sentiments contained in those cards. I always have to try and find one that is sort of like "Enjoy your day - Happy Mothers/Fathers Day"... rather than "You were always there for me when I was a child... You've done so much for this family..." If I don't feel it, I can't send it. It makes it a challenge for me every time!
No, the photos aren't up yet. They should have been up already so I'm guessing any day, just keep checking. I cannot wait to see them myself.
Laura
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2005 : 18:19:44
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quote:
Originally posted by AnneG
But it is my goal - thus far and no further! My daughter and I have had lots of discussions about this and I really think that we have broken through. My son listens, but doesn't say much - I think he's taking it all in though.
Anne- Kudos to you for breaking the chain and not passing it on to the next generation. My wife and I are trying to do that with our son and it is not easy. I know that before I got in touch with my own stuff that I was not their for my wife and son the way I should have been. Instead I took my cue's and modeling of how to be a father and husband from my parents.
It takes a special kind of person to break the cycle as you are doing. |
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pault
USA
169 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2005 : 04:27:55
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| Laura , sounds like you will never please Her.You have to ask why you have the need to do so,as it will generate a lot os stress.Swimming up stream all your life wiil not get you there,just t.m.s.Just please Laura, Paul. |
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Jackie
27 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2005 : 08:31:16
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Laura,
I had an ok relationship with my mother...I think it got better when I assumed the role of an adult in the relationship. It is really hard to be treated like a child when you are 40. I think that if you have children of your own you can see how easy it is to make mistakes.I like Maya Angelou's quote..."I did the best I could at the time...when I knew better, I did better." I think that TMS is caused not only by the mistakes of our parents but by our refusal to accept what happened...our anger wants to change the past. Your mother's actions suggest that she is unwilling to let you grow up...she keeps treating you like an errant child...to keep you in your place.During your postings I was wondering why you were so stressed about your daughter's Bat Mitzvah. You seemed so well planned. I guess you were worrying about what fault your mother would find. Don't let her behavior sap all of the joy out of your life. Accept the fact that she won't change and treat her like you would any other person. You don't really need her approval. After your wonderful success at your daughter's Bat Mitzvah...you felt more powerful...more confident...you were pleased with your ability to speak before a crowd. So now she has to beat you back into submission...not returning your calls is the perfect way. Don't keep calling...this may sound cruel but an aging parent will need you more than you need her. I think our rage comes as much from the fact that we can't change them as it does from their behavior. Set yourself free and be glad she doesn't live next door!!!!
I am also looking foward to seeing your pictures!
Good Chi to you
Jackie
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Bonnie
Canada
33 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2005 : 10:34:22
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Hi Laura, I've been in therapy for a while now and I've worked through a lot of the past stuff with my mother but there's a lot that is still there. However as I've done the work I've realized I'm very angry at my father as well for never standing up for me or protecting me from her, he was just a shadow on the wall so to speak, until he got angry about something and threw a fit bringing him front and center for a bit, but he always deferred to her.
I would love to believe that he cared about me, that at least someone in that family cared about me, loved me, but I know that's not true and I have to accept that fact and make my own support system now. It's hard, I spent years writing poetry and it always amazed me how much my unconcious spoke through the poems, I'd read them over after I'd written them and wonder "where the hell did that come from."
But it helped, it was my way of journaling and the rhyme and music of the words helped to create some structure in my world when it felt like it was falling apart.
I write novels now, and that too is a way to get a lot out, it's kind of a god thing, I can kill the bad guys off if I want to, very therapeutic.
Mothers are the ones that spend the most time with us, they are there twenty four seven and they hold our lives in their hands when we are small and can't fight back, it's sheer survival, what we've learned to do, and it can take a lot to realize that we don't need to use those coping techniques, anymore. She can't starve us or kill us now and most of us have ways of getting the love and appreciation from other sources. So when it comes right down to it, this fear of mother in all her aspects is rather bizarre at this stage of the game.
It will be a breath of fresh air to be able to just walk away or simply ignore whatever temper tantrum is going on and say, "it's not my problem anymore, you deal with it."
And yet at the bottom of it all there is still that little girl who desperately wants to be loved and taken care of and she's the one who cries when she's hurt. I still have a long way to go to get her to trust that I can take care of her and fill the role that my mother never did.
Bonnie |
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2005 : 11:08:59
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quote:
Originally posted by Bonnie
And yet at the bottom of it all there is still that little girl who desperately wants to be loved and taken care of and she's the one who cries when she's hurt. I still have a long way to go to get her to trust that I can take care of her and fill the role that my mother never did.
Bonnie
When you can feel the feelings of hurt and anger and helplessness that the little girl had and still has then you can find the healing. It seems like those feelings must be felt to be resolved otherwise they continue to project a powerful force on you the adult. This way of looking within and paying attention to those feelings is one of the best ways of actually feeling what you need to feel to heal. In this way we all have the answers to our TMS pain. Its there to be discovered by the feeling of the child within us. |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 06/24/2005 : 15:31:25
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Thanks for all of your responses. This morning at 9:00 the phone rang and it was my mother. Now, every time I called there my Dad said "She's too sick to talk. She's been throwing up." My mother says to me this morning "Oh, did I wake you up?" I said "Yes, I've been sick all week with a stomach virus, where I feel like I'm going to throw up." Then, she goes off and running for ten minutes (mind you, I'm not even fully awake yet - my eyes are blurred from being awakened from a dream) about what she's had. I said "Yeah, and I hear you've been throwing up a lot." She said "I don't know where you got that idea. I never threw up. I just feel like throwing up." The woman is kooky. Three hours later, she said "Oh, I have to go I have another phonecall. I'll call you later." Whatever. Believe me, I know I need to stop worrying so much what she thinks and what she does. I had pretty much stopped calling and figured when she was ready she would call me. Sure enough she did. It's like a game with her, playing hard to get or something. Very odd.
Jackie, you're right. I do feel confident after the bat mitzvah and I'm not going to let her bring me back down. I'm still to this day receiving phone calls from friends and family telling me how beautiful the day was, what an amazing job my daughter did, how they were so moved by my speech, and how they noticed the "attention to details" at the party. My daughter worked so hard and I worked so hard, and it all was absolutely beautiful.
By the way, the photographer says the pictures should be up either today or Monday.
Laura
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Is there anyone who DOESN'T have mother issues?
