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n/a
374 Posts |
 Posted - 06/18/2005 : 03:09:43
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Something that is so painful; that it only recently that I have been able to face it is this - for my two children's formative years I wasn't able to be a good parent. Like my mother I was self-centred.
I was a bizarre mixture of my father's strength and my mother's weakness. My first marriage broke down because I wanted to leave. Looking back I didn't take my children's needs into consideration at that time.
I see it as my job now to break the cycle of toxic parenting. My children are grown now and I have explored these things with them, especially my daughter.
I have had deeply supressed guilt because of my weaknesses as a parent. That's the thing about good psychotherapy - it allows you to strip away all the layers and get right to the core of what is behind all the physical and emotional pain.
I really know myself now (that sounds so new-agey, but I think it is clear what I mean). My TMS was caused by a mixture of anger and guilt. I don't mean only the guilt I felt because I wasn't a good enough daughter, but the guilt I feel because I was not a very good parent myself.
But the thing is - it hasn't been too late. Hopefully, I have helped my daughter and son avoid the pitfalls I made. The good thing is - they want to spend time with me - we have good, open, honest relationships.
One other thing - my daughter has a little girl of three and we are so determined that she will never feel inadequate. My son-in-law worries that we are turning her into a little princess - that's our latest project - working out how to get the right balance; givng her self-worth and self-knowledge without spoiling her.
It must appear that I spend all my time exploring TMS and psychological issues. In fact, I don't. My life has never been better or fuller. However, I make time to keep on-track with the self-exploraton; nothing has helped me become a 'whole person' as much as working to cure my TMS.
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Edited by - n/a on 06/18/2005 03:16:38 |
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 06/18/2005 : 04:24:29
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| Anne, what an amazing post! I think you should give yourself huge props for your commitment to yourself and your children. If you've managed to create a genuinely open relationship with your adult children that is (in my opinion) something to be extremely proud of. It's very rare. |
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alinnyc
USA
20 Posts |
Posted - 06/18/2005 : 06:52:18
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Hilary I read your post and I thought "oh my god there I am". I was also a special child. I was the child my mother confided all her secrets to. My first recollection of this was at the age of ten. Because my mother had highly emotionally abusive parents herself and had a loveless marriage she decided to make up for it (for herself) by investing everything in me (her oldest child). She lived her life through my life. She shared all her secrets about her abusive parents, her screwed up marriage, her rage at my father and all of his shortcomings, her lack of respect for herself, her obsesssion about what other people thought of her (and thought of me as her representative), her obsession about her weight and looks(and my weight and looks as her representative),our family's financial difficulties because of my father financial meanderings. It never stopped. The worst of it was that she involved me in her affairs with other men. She asked me to make them feel accepted and valued.
She wasn't even aware of my terror at the prospect of our family falling apart. She also poisoned my relationship with my father. She educated me completely about my father's every shortcoming and flaw and all the ways he had failed her in her marriage. Now my father is no picnic mind you, but I learned to carry around this enormous anger toward him from a very young age. I remember as a child feeling like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I remember feeling like I was the one who had to hold the world together for my mother or she would fall into deep depression (there were days when she couldn't get out from under the covers.) My brothers didn't share the same burden. Just me, the special child, all in the name of love.
There were many consequences to this. I became an obsessive doer. I became highly achievement oriented. I became depressed, developed an eating disorder and ultimately at the age of 52 severe back pain.
I also found Sarno and am working at getting better. What is amazing is that up until this whole back pain/anger phase, I thought my mother walked on water. I am beginning to realize what a destructive force she has been in my life. My significant other has helped me to understand this.
I told my mother about Sarno and her first reaction was to put the concept down/make fun of it. I guess she found it highly threatening. I persisted. I wrote her a very direct letter about how I felt. She sort of said she was sorry but didn't really think about how to change her relationship with me going forward. I wrote the letter for me and with some hope that she could be in my life in a constructive way. At the suggestion of my therapist, I have taken control of the schedule for seeing her. My mom is (as my significant other says) a "miler". Give her an inch and she will take a mile. Her appetite for my attention is endless. She calls me almost everyday and somedays up to 3 times a day.
At very first meeting under the new regime suggested by my therapist, she started with all the old secret bearings. She implied (to my shock) that my father had set her up sexually with his business associates. She told me she had never told anyone this before. I was horrified and shocked and felt myself sucked right back into that black hole. Interestingly, the very next day, I found this post. (I guess someone is looking out for me). I decided to confront my mother. I called her and told her I would not stand for that kind of behavior. That she was not allowed to put me in the position of being her secret bearer/therapist. She had done that all her life and I was not going to take it anymore. I told her that I couldn't believe she had gotten that letter from me and learned nothing. How could she repeat that behavior all over again, what was she thinking. She got furious and flew into one of her famous spin cycles. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. By the way, during the course of all of this she told me that she had exagerated the whole thing and that she never had any sexual relations with these me. At the end she told me to work it out with my therapist (like it was all my fault) and hung up. I know I was completely justified in all of this. I was so angry but I also have not gotten over the guilt stuff. I will be talking about this with the therapist. Parent's suck. What it makes me realize is how ****ing selfish my mother is and how little she really cares about me. It hurts alot. Any advice on how to overcome the guilt? |
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 06/19/2005 : 04:22:47
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alinnyc, reading your post made me furious for you! I think your steps forward in setting boundaries with your mother are great. What is particularly interesting is the way you thought your mother walked on water: I felt exactly the same way and it took me - I kid you not - a good two years in therapy to really start to crack that veneer. I clung desperately to the myth that my parents were perfect, and I was some sort of emotional freak. Luckily my therapist hung in there with me and helped me to see the truth about my upbringing: that I had not received adequate love for whom I was, and why I felt so depressed and alone. It was an enormous shock to discover that, one I think I'm still processing.
I have only my own experience to go on, but I think your guilt will fade as you keep working through the anger. It may take some time, but remember that the guilt is a bull**** part of an elaborate defense mechanism you have built up over many years. It will not vanish overnight but you are making great strides. I can honestly say that I no longer feel guilt about feeling rage towards my parents; although I do continue to feel depressed from time to time, which I absolutely believe is a manifestation of the anger and something I will have to keep working on. I believe that when you are feeling guilty you are also feeling enraged (think of the pressure on that child of feeling that it cannot feel something, that it's wrong to feel something - I mean, guilt IS deeply enraging!).
It takes great courage to start to see your parents as they actually were and topple them from that pedestal. I know how difficult this process is and how never-ending it sometimes seems. |
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alinnyc
USA
20 Posts |
Posted - 06/19/2005 : 06:05:47
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| Hilary, thanks for reply. I know you feel like you are still going through this, but you are a very wise woman. I hope I make as much progress as you. Let me say that differently, I am committed to getting past this and find your insight incredibly helpful. Well done. By the way Hilary, my significant other says I may have "jacked your thread". It is just that I was so shocked to read this post. It was so right on. Having confronted my mother she is now she has now stopped calling me (instead of her 3 times a day habit). I am fighting the guilt temptation to call her. It is hard and my back has been a little touchy throughout this. By the way, when did you find Sarno in your journey and how did all that work for you? |
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robby
16 Posts |
Posted - 06/19/2005 : 08:25:39
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I've just finished reading this entire topic for thr first time and it has really affected me. Hilary, your quote from Alice Miller's book was wonderful! I'm hesitant to begin reading other books, for I'm concerned about getting too much information and it screwing me up even more. I've read Sarno and Sopher over and over, you know, sticking with the program and being methodical with my treatment approach.
To look back at my upbringing and parents, who both have passed away, is very difficult.
Not that I haven't imaged the good and bad times of my childhood, but to examine the failings of my parents and to be critical of them after their deaths upsets me. However, I feel it may be an important subject to address.
I'm a little envious of your ability to express your anger. It seems for me that I'm either stoic or grievious, and my ability to get pissed off and let my inner rage out is being muted by my own inhibitions.
Thank all of you for your insights!
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Hilary
United Kingdom
191 Posts |
Posted - 06/19/2005 : 12:18:26
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al (or ali?), please "jack" the thread all you want: I have found it incredibly helpful and healing to read the stories of others here and I hope you will keep writing. Believe me I am very much still going through this and I really appreciate hearing others' stories.
(By the way, I lived in NYC for 10 years and absolutely adored the city. Please say hello to it from me!)
To answer your question about when I found Sarno, my potted history is as follows: diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder when I was 23; had constant continual dizziness and this weird itching feeling for the next 10 years; in therapy for most of that time which helped enormously with the depression and anxiety but didn't really resolve the dizziness; back pain and sciatica episode when I moved back to the UK last September; discovered Sarno over Christmas. Used his technique on my back which healed completely in about 8 weeks; discovered this website; realized that I could use the same technique on the dizziness, currently making good progress there.
It's a jigsaw puzzle, but all in all, I'd say that therapy has been invaluable in helping me to really understand and dig into my background; medication helped deal with the depression and anxiety; but Sarno has pulled everything together and given me a completely new understanding of how my past has led to the physical issues of my present. He's opened the door to me being able to visualize and connect with myself as a child and REALLY understand the crap I went through as a kid that landed me in this state.
I have to be honest and say that these days I get very angry thinking about my therapist, and why she didn't point this out to me sooner (another source of rage); but Sarno's techniques are very specific and if you haven't read him (which I assume my shrink hadn't) you can only get a general sense of the connection of the emotional and physical bodies. Therapy helped me to understand that my anger and pain were causing, in some unspecified way, my physical symptoms - but that didn't give me the tools to end the symptoms. Sarno did, but I wouldn't have found him if I hadn't been for my back problem last year (which is why I always say, thank god for my back problem!)
I'm interested to see that your mother has now stopped calling you altogether. She is really twisting the knife, in my opinion. I'm not surprised you're getting back twinges. Holding the line seems like a very good idea, and I'm glad you have a supportive S.O. to help you through this - and believe me I know how tough this is. After I set a boundary with her last week about not being her therapist any more, my mother has had the worst back pain of her life, developed clinical depression, is now on anti-depressants and just fell down in the shower giving her a black eye. This has all happened IN A WEEK, for god's sake. I've called her twice and have been sitting on my hands so that I won't call her more! I spoke to her today and heard, "I've got this that and the other AND a black eye, but please don't worry about me, I'm just lucky to have survived this long." I cannot tell you the range of emotions I'm going through - she is elderly, in pain and suffering and my heart absolutely goes out to her but I do feel absolutely justified in feeling VERY angry at her too. This kind of sh** is just as subtly manipulative as all the other kinds of sh**.
robby, don't forget that you don't need to remember the source of the rage to "cure" TMS - you just have to be aware that it is there and how the process works. However, for myself I know that I have to go deeper than that and that experiencing some of that anger is important. Believe me I have as hard a time expressing anger directly as anyone else here but I do think it's important at least to acknowledge the rage is there and that you have a right to feel it - especially towards your parents. I have found that provided I stick to the books recommended by other TMS-ers and make sure I keep Sarno at the centre of my reading, I understand more and more about how this whole thing works. I think books like "Facing the Fire" (the author actually addresses how to work with rage if your parents are dead), "The Drama of the Gifted Child" and "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw will all complement the TMS work you are doing and help you to understand yourself on a deeper level.
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Edited by - Hilary on 06/19/2005 12:42:16 |
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alinnyc
USA
20 Posts |
Posted - 06/19/2005 : 14:40:21
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Hilary
Just a quick note. Since I told my mom I was starting down the Sarno path she has had heart palpatitions (called me on the phone to tell me this). In a panic I went to see her and found her walking around the garden then she asked me to go to a flower shop with her, before going to the doctor. She was fine. I was pissed and never told her so. She has fallen twice and has gone in for brain MRI's.
My mom is stronger than she gives herself (or I give her) credit for.
She just will resort to any means to keep me from leaving her. However she doesn't want me except on her terms and the old terms are not going to work. When you add the health issues my mom profess on top of the mix it does add to the guilt cocktail. Just thought you might appreciate that in my case my mom has used health issues to try to tie me to her. best, amy |
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Logan
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 06/20/2005 : 14:26:50
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| I really recommend The Emotional Incest book by Dr. Love that I mentioned earlier on this thread. I know the title is off-putting but it is a very useful book for anyone who was a "gifted" or "favorite" child and who is now trying to work through the emotional fall-out those roles seem to come with. Reading your post, I felt so bad for the child that you were, what your mother did to you as a child was wrong. Keep up the good work and don't let her blackmail you with the health problems... |
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alinnyc
USA
20 Posts |
Posted - 06/20/2005 : 16:46:33
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| Logan I just ordered both the Alice Miller Book "the Drama of the Gifted Child that Hilary recommended and Dr. Love's book "Emotional Incest". Both are right on the money. Thank you both. Should lead to some interesting posts down the road. best, amy |
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robbokop
United Kingdom
75 Posts |
Posted - 06/22/2005 : 05:47:50
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Hi Hilary,
I bought the book and have finished it - it hit me like a THUNDERBOLT! This book describes my life, why I'm like I am. Since reading it I'm already starting to perceive things I never previously have. Now I have started to work these things out on an intellectual level, I'm desperate to start feeling them too. To work through past events and crack open the secret codes. What a book! My problem in therapy before was that I couldn't get past the intellectualization of past events and justifying other people's actions(which I've done all my life) and thus totally missing my own raw feelings, which are often buried deep down, sort of safely tucked away you might say. Any attempt to feel anger at my parents was accompanied by huge guilt - I had always thought my childhood was idyllic. I am starting to sense that this wasn't actually the case(still feeling guilt writing that).
I am going to try and start therapy again through the NHS, I don't know how else I can afford it.
Thank you Hilary for your recommendation - It has already helped me enormously.
Rob |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 06/22/2005 : 09:23:15
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Hey all,
This thread has been so incredibly helpful to me. I have been seeing one of Sarno's psychologists and we have pinpointed my TMS pain coming from deep anger towards my mum. The most important thing in our family has always been to worry and care for her. My father left her when I was 11 (she told us he was a horrible man and father and didn't care about us) - we learnt to hate him and please her. I am the middle child and a strong character and I took on the role of caring for everyone. I was sent away to boarding school and felt very insecure and worried about the family.
I have just gone through a very tough episode with my mother which I felt might be therapeutic to mention here.
I recently got engaged - I live in the states and my family is british, living in England. My mother came out to see me and my sister who also lives here. I grew up learning that the most important thing in my family was to marry into the right "upper class" and to be very successful in careers and looks. Something I never bought into and thought was a terrible way to think - probably part of the reason I moved to the states. Well - my fiancee grew up in the Bronx up until the age of 9 and apparently my family is horrified. This is something out of the 19th century - but this really exists in England. My mother and I were returning from buying my wedding dress - a very exciting and emotional event, and she suddenly started telling me how everyone in England is horrified that I am marrying someone from the Bronx. I don't even think they know where the Bronx is! My mother had met my fiance's mother the night before - she said that she was very taken back that his mother had such a strong accent and has to adjust to know how to deal with this. She said that her twin sister - my Aunt is telling everyone about this. I asked her why she was telling me this gossip and she said it was for my own good so that I would be prepared. I started to get upset and little angry and immediately she told me to stop raising my voice. I sat down in my house and started to cry and she ran over to me and said I must stop as I am too sensitive. I just gave up and hugged her and told her I loved her - according to the psychologist - this is what i have always done - repressed my own hurt and worried about her. I am the parent and she is the small child.
During the weekend, my mother told me that my fiance was "homely" looking and how people would always look at us with surprise as we are such an odd couple. She said it was good that I could get past that and love him. I actually think he is very cute. She said that he has a "common" irish face.
I feel so much anger and rage towards her that I actually hate her right now - she ruins everything. Everyone in the family thinks she is an angel. The pschologist explained to me that she probably has a personality narcissistic disorder - the family has to please her otherwise it is just too unpleasant. She cannot allow anyone to have different feelings to her - it frightens her and makes her angry. When I told her that I thought the class system was a load of crap - she was furious at me.
I feel like I am dealing with such bigotry that it is insane. I know I have to laugh at it and just ignore it but it is so hard when it is your own family. They have set such high standard for me - I was given a good brain and good looks and my family feels that i should be marrying royalty, good looks and wealth. It makes me sick
Sorry this was such a rant but my back pain has returned with a nasty vengeance. It is hard to breathe at night time as it stabs all night -nothing during the day. I stopped seeing the psychologist for a few weeks because of work and I think I might go back to seeing her every week again to get through this |
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Dave
USA
1864 Posts |
Posted - 06/22/2005 : 10:21:17
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Suz, that's a pretty awful situation. My parents are nothing like that, yet they too refused to accept my decision to marry outside our religion. It was actually the first time in my life I took a stand against them. I actually went months without speaking to them, which was very difficult.
They begrudgingly accepted the situation only once I was engaged and they realized they could not stop it. All along they felt strongly that if they held their ground and protested, that I would cave in, putting their happiness above my own.
Now they act as if none of it ever happened. We have a cordial if not superficial relationship and never speak of their unconscionable actions during that time. Yet this whole situation made me realize that I never had a close emotional relationship with my parents to begin with. If I did, they would never have treated me in such a hurtful fashion, and they would have supported my decisions as an independent adult. But what was more important to them was what other people would think.
I have come to accept that they are who they are and that's just the way it is. They don't know any better. To everyone (including myself) we always seemed to be a close, loving family. But now I realize that the love is there, but the closeness is not. My personality is shaped by the psychological defenses I was forced to build growing up in a family that did not share (or even display) much emotion.
Your family dynamic is clearly different, but I bring this up because it seems that you still let your mother get under your skin despite your newfound realizations about her emotional dysfunction.
What if, instead of "giving up" and hugging her, you told her "No, mom, I will not lower my voice, and I will not take your bigotry. You either accept our relationship or leave right now. I don't want to hear any more of your crap." I'm not suggesting you do that ... but imagine it. How would that feel? |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 06/22/2005 : 11:51:58
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Suz,
I second Dave's advice. I read your story and I cannot believe how awful of your mother to treat you that way. What if you did as Dave suggests? I bet it would feel great to say what you truly want to say.
Of course, I'm very good at saying these things but probably not as good at doing them myself. I too have a dysfunctional family, with my mother at the top of the dysfunctional family tree. She is a very self-centered person and has been labeled "narcissistic personality" by my husband's uncle (a shrink) and my husband (who has a psychology degree). When I decided to marry outside my religion (I was raised Methodist and then later Presbyterian, and my husband Jewish) AND convert, my mother went crazy. I can remember when I first met my future husband and how I was head over heels in love with him. My mother, in her typical fashion, tried to ruin everything. I remember her telling me "If you marry him, you will go to hell. I will not see you in Heaven. You really need to think about that." She treated him as if he had horns growing out of his head. She did everything possible to get me to stop dating him. Then, we moved from Michigan out to California, where I converted and we got married. My mother(Dad has no mind of his own - he is the puppet and she pulls all the strings) said "We are giving you $1,000 for your wedding. You abandoned your religion and you abandoned Michigan." That was my punishment. My sister married a Christian man - her wedding was very lavish and beautiful. She is the favorite to this day.
I haven't talked to my mom since they were here for my daughter's June 11th bat mitzvah. I have called now four different times, and every time my father tells me my mother can't talk because she's not feeling well. I don't buy it. I've had the stomach flu for almost a week and I feel horrible, yet I still talk to people on the telephone. For some reason, even though I know she is incapable of acting like a normal, caring human being, I always seem to have hope that she will change. While she was here, I barely saw her. The day they arrived here (they were only here Thursday through Monday morning) they said they were too tired to get together with anyone. We saw them Friday when we went to shoot pictures at our temple, then we went out to dinner, and then to the Shabbat service. Saturday of course was the bat mitzvah. My daughter was flawless, not making even one mistake. It was amazing. The weird thing about this is that when our oldest daughter had her bat mitzvah two and a half years ago, my mother never stopped talking about it. She kept saying to our daughter "I am so impressed that you learned a different language. I just can't get over it. It was amazing." My mother barely said a word to our younger daughter, who was equally amazing. That evening, during the video montage, she was looking around bored to tears, not even paying any attention. Grown men were crying, yet my mother is such a cold fish she could not have cared less. Then, on Sunday, they came over and we were all going to go to the pool, my in-laws included. My mother says "We're going to go shopping at T.J. Maxx (the only store she shops in)." They could not have cared less about spending time with anyone; they just wanted to leave and go shopping. My in-laws (who are very family oriented and would do anything to be with their kids and grandchildren) were appalled. Later, my parents came back to eat but then said they were going to leave to go watch the Pistons basketball game. They make sure everyone knows what's important to them, and it's not us.
I know all these things about my mother and still, why can't I realize she is never going to change? Why can't I do, as Dave suggested, and tell her what I think? I've done it before, and they have stopped talking to me (once for over a year). I'm not supposed to have opinions or thoughts that differ from theirs. I want to call them up and say "What the hell is wrong with you????" but I don't. I suppose if I want to talk to them I have to pick up the phone yet a fifth time and call. Or, I can just go live my life and not worry about them anymore.
I wish you well, Suz, in your future marriage. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Good luck to you.
Laura
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miehnesor
USA
430 Posts |
Posted - 06/22/2005 : 13:23:26
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quote:
Originally posted by Laura
I know all these things about my mother and still, why can't I realize she is never going to change? Why can't I do, as Dave suggested, and tell her what I think? I've done it before, and they have stopped talking to me (once for over a year). Laura
Laura- What has helped me understand my own behavior is to think about the metaphor of the inner child. It seems to me that you may have answered your own question. You can't say what you really feel to your mom because the little girl inside of you is afraid of what might happen if you do. Perhaps she will abandon you (as before when you did tell her and she stop talking to you for over a year.) Now to an adult that is no big deal. We are not dependent on them as adults. To the child inside of you that is a whole different story.
My own experience has made me realize just how much influence the feelings of my inner child have over my life. By changing my aliance from my parents to my own inner child has given me the conviction to accept my true feelings and push aside the guilt that was previously in charge. Nothing is more important than your own inner feelings. Hope that helps. |
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Stryder
686 Posts |
Posted - 06/22/2005 : 14:01:26
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quote:
Originally posted by Laura
I too have a dysfunctional family, with my mother at the top of the dysfunctional family tree.
At least your mother is tops at something ;-) -Stryder |
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Suz
559 Posts |
Posted - 06/22/2005 : 14:57:00
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Thank you to all of you for your kind words. I should have spoken up more than I did and am now not sure how to handle it. My Aunt (the one who is gossiping) apparently is intending to throw a party for us in England. My mother keeps talking about it. She told me not to tell Jerome about what they are all saying. Now - why on earth would I go to a party with these people???? I have not touched on this but I am definitely going to say no. It will be a nightmare when I do.
Two years ago, I went home for Christmas - I had not seen my cousins or Aunt and Uncle in ages. My mother suddenly pulls out a photo of my fiance (boyfriend at the time) and hands it around the table saying this is my current boyfriend. She did not make it clear that it was a serious relationship. The photo wasn't that flattering of him - he looked sort of heavy (although I think really cute) and my Uncle proceeded to rip him apart - saying "oh no - why on earth are you with someone who looks like this - he looks like he is from the east end of london (lower class reference again) I was so mortified, I burst into tears and left the table - I didn't have time to stay calm. When my Uncle found out it was serious, he was horrified. My mother knew what she was doing. It ruined Christmas day for everyone and was a real shame. My mother told me that obviously the way he looks must bother me otherwise I wouldn't have reacted so strongly.
Honestly, this woman is not right in the head.
I have dealt with this stuff my whole life. My family made me do the debutante season in England (you have to go to all these parties with the "correct"people and be presented to the queen) - I hated it as I thought it was ridiculous. My mother said that I hated it because I was not as tall or as good looking as some of the other girls and therefore did not shine. I just remembered this today. I cannot believe that this is the mother I was dealt with. It is no surprise that I have struggled with self esteem isues. I will say that I feel I have tremendous strength as I often fought back and did my own thing. |
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Laura
USA
655 Posts |
Posted - 06/22/2005 : 15:47:16
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Thanks, Miehnesor. Reading your post made me feel better. You make a good point. I'm sure that is why I'm afraid to share my true feelings -- fear of rocking the boat and then being ignored for who knows how long again. I'm just going to go about my business, make the most of my day, and enjoy my summer with my two kids (who are growing up really fast right before my eyes!) I can sit around and dwell on my mother and her neuroses, or go out and enjoy my life with the people who matter to me the most. When my mother is ready to pick up the phone and call me she will.
Laura
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robbokop
United Kingdom
75 Posts |
Posted - 06/23/2005 : 04:22:14
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'My mother said that I hated it because I was not as tall or as good looking as some of the other girls and therefore did not shine'
Crikey Suz - What a horrible thing for a mother to say!
I've been recalling some of things my Dad has said to me recently which I didn't even realise were upsetting at the time. For example, 'Imagine you were Michael Owen's Dad, you'd be so proud' - what, so I'm a **** son am I because I don't play football for England. I wonder how he would have liked this in reverse. Also, when I showed him a photo of my girlfriend he said 'is that a good photo of her?' - F**K OFF! I think she's beautiful but obviously she doesn't live up to his standards. After he met her he told me him and my sister had really liked my ex-girlfriend(who left me) and that they'd have to get used to my new one. Thanks a lot. These are just two tiny exampes of a lifetime of put-downs and having to live up to expectations. When I met people as a child he would say things like 'make sure you come across as intelligent and interesting' and I was often forced to perform on the piano for people when I didn't want to - but I did it to make them happy!
Until 2 days ago, I thought my early childhood was perfect...and I certainly don't remember standing up for myself or getting angry with my parents about things like this. I just took it on the chin and carried on going like a good little boy.
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Hilary
United Kingdom
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Posted - 06/24/2005 : 06:26:05
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quote:
Originally posted by robbokop
I've been recalling some of things my Dad has said to me recently which I didn't even realise were upsetting at the time. For example, 'Imagine you were Michael Owen's Dad, you'd be so proud' - what, so I'm a **** son am I because I don't play football for England. I wonder how he would have liked this in reverse. Also, when I showed him a photo of my girlfriend he said 'is that a good photo of her?' - F**K OFF! I think she's beautiful but obviously she doesn't live up to his standards. After he met her he told me him and my sister had really liked my ex-girlfriend(who left me) and that they'd have to get used to my new one. Thanks a lot. These are just two tiny exampes of a lifetime of put-downs and having to live up to expectations. When I met people as a child he would say things like 'make sure you come across as intelligent and interesting' and I was often forced to perform on the piano for people when I didn't want to - but I did it to make them happy!
Rob, I'm really glad you got the Alice Miller book and that you're benefitting from reading it so much. I had exactly the same reaction and it opened my eyes to a whole world of mistreatment I'd been completely unaware even existed. I found the book hard to read in places because I was so shocked by the cruelty parents inflict on their kids. Your father's comments are typical of those kind of horrible underhand put-downs that are so, so damaging to children. I got quite steamed up reading what he'd said to you, to be honest, probably because I'm so used to this kind of stuff. It is NOT okay to do this to children of ANY age!!
I know it's difficult but I think the fact you're getting angry is absolutely excellent. You wil probably be able to spot things to get angry at your parents for with ever-increasing ease now. I certainly do. Good for us!
Hilary
PS I once thought about starting a support group for people who'd been forced to practise and perform on the piano when they were younger! I didn't know why I resented it SO much then, but I certainly do now.
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Edited by - Hilary on 06/24/2005 06:28:24 |
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In the name of love
