| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Michele |
Posted - 09/11/2006 : 11:37:34
I went biking last Thursday night. I stopped to adjust my seat and when I started back up, my bike fell off the path and I caught myself with my left leg, jamming it into my hip. I have arthritis, but it doesn't have me and I'd been feeling "almost" pain free for several weeks. Then the pain came. Then I couldn't put weight on my leg. Then it started throbbing.
Friday morning I was so upset, the first thing I did was take an OTC painkiller, and called the doctor demanding a bone scan because I was CERTAIN I had broken something. About 2 years ago I had an MRI and xrays on my left side, but nothing since.
He probably did me a favor - he refused, unless I went in to see him so he could make sure it wasn't my LOW BACK. His nurse got an earful from me, then I hung up. Then I stewed for a while, cried uncontrollably for 5-10 minutes, then dried my eyes and decided to go on with my life.
Friday afternoon I attended my son's cross country meet, walking the grounds following him. Then to the high school football game, climbing the bleachers to the top.
Saturday I traveled to my other son's college football game, climbing again to the top of the bleachers several times.
Sunday I got up early and ran 14 miles in the pouring rain, through the puddles, and in a cold breeze.
Today, I'm a little stiff from the high mileage, but I'm fine. 
TAKE THAT TMS!! It ALMOST got me, but I won.
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| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| hsb |
Posted - 09/16/2006 : 07:43:59
Art, I agree with you about golf. I think waaaay too much and my head spins trying to do all the right things.
So I ran this morning. I felt the hamstring tightening up but I kept on going. It didn't stop me in my tracks. Afterwards it hurts. This week when I only ran once, the "after" pain was much better. Of course a PT would say I am not ready to run if it still hurts during and afterwards. Believe me those thoughts go through my head ALOT..
i was really hoping I wouldn't have to still deal with those thoughts, that the hammy would get miraculously better.
sooooooo i am going to try and run tomorrow.
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| art |
Posted - 09/15/2006 : 15:05:21
Hs, I'm a golfer and let me tell you that it's a very, very difficult game...Not only is it difficult from an athletic point of view, it's even more difficult from a mental/psychological point of view...easier said than done, but try to be patent with yourself, otherwise a round of golf can resemble one of Dante's circles of hell..
I would say that generally speaking, we TMS'er do not have ideal minds for golf...we're too full of anxiety, doubt, and perfectionism, traits that wreak havoc on the golf swing..I've always thought that the ideal golf mind was a little, I don't know, dull around the edges...it takes a certain almost plodding stolidity to shut out all that fear...it's an almost impossible task for intelligent, sensitive, tender types..
Having said all of that, it's truly a magnificent sport..I wish you all the best on your golfing journry...Seems like there are a lot of us who play...it would be fun if one day a bunch of us could get together and play...Maybe we could all meet in Las Vegas or someplace tacky and fun for a TMS convention... |
| Michele |
Posted - 09/15/2006 : 14:36:38
quote:
Originally posted by hsb
So I am going to go out and run tomorrow.
HSB
Not because you SHOULD, but because you love to run!! Have a super weekend! |
| hsb |
Posted - 09/15/2006 : 12:26:54
Thanks Michele for the vote of confidence. Yes Art pointed out to me that I felt the same way about the knee, the achilles, the calf, etc. I guess I treat each new pain as something that has the capability to last forever and ever and then I can't run, then I get depressed, then I hate my friends. That's the fear.
Yes I am a "should" person. I should be able to socialize but as MY therapist pointed out, I was never taught how. How could I expect to be good if I never learned? I have been taking golf lessons and I feel I should be alot better by now. I shouldn't have my running injuries last so long.
So I am going to go out and run tomorrow.
HSB |
| Michele |
Posted - 09/15/2006 : 11:49:04
I really don’t have much to say to people outside of running. I am funny and I am smart but because of the way I was brought up, I was never taught to socialize, how to make conversation, how to keep a conversation going. If you talk to me about running I can talk for hours but put me with someone I barely know, the conversation goes south. HSB is a runner and is sort of socially retarded. I know I am being harsh but that’s the truth.
hsb - I was thinking about you the other night. You mentioned that you were never taught to socialize and I got the feeling that this was causing you alot of anxiety. Is there a reason you HAVE to socialize? As TMS'ers we tend to "should" on ourselves alot. One thing my therapist told me early-on that has stuck with me, is that there's nothing to fix. I am perfect JUST THE WAY I AM. If that means you aren't good at socializing, then so be it. But are you beating yourself up because you "should" be better at it?
I have to agree with Art that you've gotten through the other "injuries" and you'll get through this one. Your focus is clearly still on being "injured", when it should be focused on the fact that you are perfect JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! :)
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| hsb |
Posted - 09/15/2006 : 09:49:31
Smart aleck --- just a joke. thanks for pointing that out she said shamefully.
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| art |
Posted - 09/15/2006 : 09:47:23
Just going over your recent posts, it seems that you're usually saying the same thing,,,,that this time it's going to be different, though you can't say why, and that it's not going to heal...
Here's what you wrote about achilles pain...
quote:
It's funny when I had the bout of calf pain, I didn't really make a big deal out of it and it went away quickly. For some reason, I am very scared with the achilles pain and I'm thinking I need treatment, PT. Achilles tendonitis is a rough injury for runners - it can debilitate them for months and months.
And your knee pain.... quote:
Hi again. I successfully dealt with achilles tendonitis and calf issues this summer. I have been able to run for about year now w/o having to take off much time for "injuries". Every time I tried to do something different with my running, I would get a new pain. when I rain 12 miles I developed calf issues. I ran 15 miles and I developed achilles tendonitis issues.
Those distances weren't out of line with what I've been doing.
Lo and behold on Wednesday I decided to try some speedwork. ....
Wednesday night I developed some knee pains. Thursday I ran but something is not right with my knee. As usual I am attaching the pain to this new event ---- the speedwork which was too much for me. hard speedwork = pain if you're not prepared.
So now I am berating myself big time -- I knew I shouldn't but I did it anyway. I am soooo angry with myself because I have been able to go through an entire year without having to stop running and this knee issue is very scary to me. I know if I tell my other running friends what I did their response will be - "how can you do such a long speework workout without even building up to it?" so i cannot tell anyone.
And I sort of agree. So now my knee hurts. Have't run since Thursday and I'm kinda scared to try. Sunda is a running day for me.
Has my luck run out? One whole year with great results - can knee pains be TMS?
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| hsb |
Posted - 09/15/2006 : 08:42:29
Yes Art, I have run through a bunch of stuff this year: mild ITB, achilles, calf and knee. For some reason, I feel the hamstring is different. Maybe it is because it hurts more than the others afterwards???? I guess the TMS (??) is much stronger -- that if I run through this one, it will get worse and never heal;. that hamstrings are notorious for healing slowly??????? I can't come up with a reason why I think this particular hamstring is worse than the others.
Art, i think you are making a point for me to run through this one!!!!LOL
I am pretty confused.
Thanks.
HSB
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| art |
Posted - 09/15/2006 : 08:14:56
quote:
One reason I think I am not like that is because I know from past events, that the pain won't go away in 6 weeks like most injuries.
I'm pretty sure evry TMS doc out there would tell you this is an indication you've got more going on (or less actually)than a conventional injury..
quote:
I NEVER ran through injuries. Until one day after about 3-4 months I would start through the pain.
Does this mean that you'd eventually get sick of waiting for something to heal, then go ahead and run anyway? And would things resolve at that point (if so)?
I forget the injuries you've had oin the last month...I know one was knee pain that you called excruciating at one point, and that seems to have gone away...I thikn you've had one or two others as well that have likewise gone away despite continued running...So isn't it fair to assume that many or perhaps even most of your past injuries...injuries that sidelined you for months at a time, would have gone away as well?
You're a healthy person with a strong body that enables you to run for many miles...There's just no reason that you should keep breaking down like you do...
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| hsb |
Posted - 09/15/2006 : 07:36:19
Art you wrote:
"If it doesn't then I'm wonderingif that might have some bearing on how you look at, and respond to, running pain/injuries going forward..."
I think I wrote previously about how I am very devastated when I get injured and have to take time off. This has been a good year for me with tons of niggles, but no real time off. In the past I would go from dr. to dr., treatment to treatment trying to find the cure to get faster. I would quit running but I would never get better like most people. I NEVER ran through injuries. Until one day after about 3-4 months I would start through the pain.
When I do have to stop running, I am very depressed because I can't do what other people do, I don't understand why it always happens to me and why I don't heal like everyone else.
I think if after 5 more days of no running or some running/walking and I don't see market improvement, I will begin running. I just to run in pain and to be in pain the rest of the day. Honestly, the hamstring has felt better after some rest but as soon as I run, it tightens up again.
Yes it is my outlook towards injuries that my therapist has been trying to steer me. I wrote once before that I wish that I could take an injury lightly and be nonchalant about it. One reason I think I am not like that is because I know from past events, that the pain won't go away in 6 weeks like most injuries.
I guess I need to work on not giving the injury so much importance. The thoughts and tape loops are omnipresent.
HSB
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| art |
Posted - 09/15/2006 : 07:25:57
quote:
[quote]Originally posted by hsb
Art-
I am not sure I understand what you mean when you wrote:
"for what its worth, we mostly change who we are by changing what we do."
I guess you don't think it is a good idea to back off running. I have absolutely no clue what to do. The hamstring definitely felt better with 2 days of rest, but this morning when I walked and ran, it tightened up again but we shall see in a bit how bad. I just wonder, every time I go back to run after a few days off, it is going to hurt?????
I'm sorry, I meant to say, or should have said, that we change how we feel by changing what we do..
And no, hs, I'm not arguing that you should continue running...That's your decision of course...I'm just suggesting that you try to look at your pattern over the years of constant injury and maybe ask yourself if you think that makes sense...
If it doesn't make sense, then I'm wondering if that might have some bearing on how you look at, and respond to, running pain/injuries going forward...
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| hsb |
Posted - 09/15/2006 : 07:00:15
Art-
I am not sure I understand what you mean when you wrote:
"for what its worth, we mostly change who we are by changing what we do."
I guess you don't think it is a good idea to back off running. I have absolutely no clue what to do. The hamstring definitely felt better with 2 days of rest, but this morning when I walked and ran, it tightened up again but we shall see in a bit how bad. I just wonder, every time I go back to run after a few days off, it is going to hurt?????
HSB
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| art |
Posted - 09/15/2006 : 06:48:10
Golf is actually pretty good x-training...I carry my own bag, walk at a brisk pace...It's definitely a work out.
As to taking time off, I wouldn't in a million years presume to know what's right for you. Just as a general life observation though, for what its worth, we mostly change who we are by changing what we do. |
| hsb |
Posted - 09/15/2006 : 06:03:30
Art -
You wrote:
"Given your history, I would just assume TMS...Just take that leap of faith...It's a way off that terrible merry-go-round you're on.."
I decided to take time off. I ran on Tuesday and afterwards hamstring hurt alot. I didn't run Wed, Thurs and it felt better. I got on the treadmill this morning and walked 3 min, ran 3 min. for 20 min. I can definitely feel the hamstring tightening up now.
Not sure if I can take that leap of faith yet Art. I ran through this for 2+ weeks. I will feel how the 9 min. of running and weeking feels in a few hours.
I hate going through this indecision.
Good thing though - I got my first birdie ever in golf!! took it up last summer.
Thanks Art.
HSB |
| art |
Posted - 09/14/2006 : 06:23:08
quote:
What I have been trying to do this time is try and take it day by day and be more npresent. So the hamstring hurts, it felt better after a few days. I am trying to tell myself it's not the end of the world. BUT, for me it almost is.
Well, how about looking back at all those times you've been hurt and unable to run...Did it really feel like the end of the world?
I used to get hurt just as much as you hs...My significant other used to call me "china doll"...Nice, eh? BUt she was right...If I so much as mowed the lawn, chances were I'd do something to myself...I have a chronic illness (improved now) and I just believed what I read, that people with my kind of illness were prone to over-use syndromes...
Strive for objectivity...It's just not at all likely that an otherwise healthy person would be injured so much...Neither does it make any sense that these would not heal in a reasonable amount of time...
Given your history, I would just assume TMS...Just take that leap of faith...It's a way off that terrible merry-go-round you're on..
Worst case scenario, by some quirk you actually do have an injury which will get worse and worse and you'll have to take some time off...but that's what you end up doing anyway...
It's a terrible thing to live in fear like that...All the running in the world isn't worth it. Even when you're not in pain, you're worried that you soon will be...
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| hsb |
Posted - 09/13/2006 : 18:27:00
Art-
Thanks. You know one of the feelings I get when I cannot run is that I resent all of my running friends. I resent them because they don't get hurt as often as I do; I resent them because they are doing something I want to do; and I resent them because when they get an injury it's 6 weeks max.
I get tormented when I get some sort of pain because I always have the fear it is going to be another 6 monther. Like currently I am saying to myself, here we go again, maybe it's not my hamstring, maybe it's sciatica and I need to get it treated. I swear the inner battle, the "chatter" as monte of runningpain.com says, just is exhausting. "What if, I should, maybe"
There is just so much "stuff". This is the tip of the iceberg.
What I have been trying to do this time is try and take it day by day and be more npresent. So the hamstring hurts, it felt better after a few days. I am trying to tell myself it's not the end of the world. BUT, for me it almost is.
Oh boy. this is tough stuff.
Thanks all.
Resentful HSB |
| art |
Posted - 09/13/2006 : 14:55:23
quote:
Who Am I? I am a runner, but that's what I DO. I am a paralegal, but that's what I DO. I am a good parent - that's what I DO. I am a kind and compassionate person - that's who I am.
Identity is a tricky thing. I agree that it's far better to identify oneself in terms of character than roles, but even there, since we're human beings, it's a slippery affair. I too am a kind and compassionate person, but I'm also at times jealous, angry, petty, and mean. I do my utmost to behave in a kind and compassionate manner, but now we're right back to things I do.
HS, I have a lot of compassion for you. I want you to know I respect and admire your honesty and willingness to lay it all out there...So for what it's worth, for my money at least, you can add courageous to your list of identifying characteristics....
I have the sense that you're a lot closer than you think...You're seeing the whole picture, you just need to connect the dots a litle better...It simply makes no sense that you would have so many injuries, and that they would not heal after months and months..The onnly alternative explanation that I can see anyway is TMS...Acceptance doesn't happen over night for most of us..Keep struggling with it and I've no doubt you'll get there.. |
| hsb |
Posted - 09/13/2006 : 13:57:22
Wow Michele
Pretty much sums up my life. I have belonged to a running club ever since I started running, about 20 years. I am not a super fast runner, not elite by any means. I was a good age grouper. But I define myself by being a runner. I do what most people cannot. As you said, it makes me special.
I have very few friends outside of my running. So I am kind of insulated. When I do stuff with my boyfriend’s friends (he does not run like me) – every question is to me is about my running or are you healthy (they know my reputation as always being injured? But I have thought a lot about this – I really don’t have much to say to people outside of running. I am funny and I am smart but because of the way I was brought up, I was never taught to socialize, how to make conversation, how to keep a conversation going. If you talk to me about running I can talk for hours but put me with someone I barely know, the conversation goes south. HSB is a runner and is sort of socially retarded. I know I am being harsh but that’s the truth.
Running is the most important part of my life. I don’t have children and I became totally selfish in my relationship with my boyfriend. Running comes first – no we can’t go out tonight, I have to get up early to run, ad nauseum. So when running is taken away from me – I just fall to pieces. And of course I am always injured.
That is one of the reasons why I gravitated to the TMS stuff. How could one person possibly be so injured? As you can tell I still cannot discern if my hamstring is really hurt or if it is TMS. And my head spins because I need to get back running ASAP.
There are other things involved – body image, etc. I wish I was the type of person who get pains or gets hurt and shrugs it off and says, it will get better when it gets better so I miss 5 weeks of running– I just fall to pieces.
It’s a struggle
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| Michele |
Posted - 09/13/2006 : 10:11:54
I was not a runner until 1997, but I always considered myself athletic. One of the best times of my life were in high school, being on the track team and doing very well in the high jump. It was one of those things I did very well, and no one else could. It made me feel special. Outside of track, I was destroying myself with booze and cigarettes, attempting to cover up the pain from years of molestation from an uncle. But of course, I didn't know that at the time.
For years I tried to be athletic, doing aerobics, walking, etc. but never found much I liked. In the fall of 1997 I had ballooned up to 210 lbs., again, trying to cover up the pain of my life (marriage, job, body image). At that time, I was given the Oprah and Bob Green book, "Make the Connection" and for some reason, it clicked. I started getting up early to exercise and did it every single day for a year and a half. I ended up losing about 50 lbs. and had started running because "If Oprah can do it, so can I!"
Like you, it makes me feel good, it makes me look good, and I'm doing something that alot of people can't/won't do. Then I started marathoning and a whole new attitude sprung forth. I was now, "Michele, the marathoner." People were impressed, my son would introduce me as "this is my mom, she runs marathons", and I felt *special*. I was becoming what I DO and not who I AM. To separate the two is difficult.
Who Am I? I am a runner, but that's what I DO. I am a paralegal, but that's what I DO. I am a good parent - that's what I DO. I am a kind and compassionate person - that's who I am.
Somehow, we need to break the shell of "I'm a runner and nothing else." Of course you are something else, but what is it? You've placed so much emphasis on what you do, but only scratched the surface of who you are. If you could never run again, wouldn't you still be who you are?
This is my problem too. I still have pain on my left side, representing my feminine side. My oldest son has left for college. My youngest son just got his license and will also be leaving for college soon. Suddenly, I'm not needed as a mother like I was. I was defining myself as a mother - what I do. I still enjoy that special feeling of "being a runner" and hearing people say, "Wow - I could never do that!" (They could, but won't.)
For me, I didn't feel special growing up. There was nothing special about my childhood, it was painful. No boyfriend ever made me feel special, but I suppose I was also projecting to people that I was NOT special, so don't treat me special. I always felt like I wasn't good enough. But running makes me feel special, and I'm good enough.
So I understand how powerful the connection can be. I hope some of this has helped? I just want us all to run again!! |
| hsb |
Posted - 09/13/2006 : 06:03:37
Good Morning-
Michele wrote: "What do you associate with running? What do you associate with NOT running? Those are questions I've had to ask myself, and questions my therapist has posed to me. What is the emotional connection we have with running, or not being able to run."
I feel that is the crux of my stuff. My therapist has gone through this with me as well. I have very low self-esteem and running gives me self-esteem, it makes me feel good, it makes me look good and I can do what most people cannot. I associate everything with my running -- I am HSB the runner and nothing else. IBut honestly I am HSB the runner who is ALWAYS hurt. I have nothing else to offer but my running. All of my friends are runners and when I cannot run, it is devastating to me.
It is very difficult for me to separate myself from running. And with all the times I have been not running with my tons of injuries, I have yet to reconcile it. My history has been run for 6 months, then get an injury, off for 6months because it wouldn't "heal". And of course I go from dr. to dr. looking for a cure. My head is spinning right now, run, not run, stretch a hamstring, don't stretch a hamstring. blah blah
But before I stop the running I go through what I am going through now, the indecision on whether or not to run.
So running is everything to me. Very distorted and my priorities are skewed. And as I have discussed in therapy --- "what is more important to you, running or my boyfriend". I hesitate ...................
My hamstring still is not great. I am going to layoff for a bit and when it feels better, go back with the run/walk thing.
Thanks all.
HSB |
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