| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| jeffrey |
Posted - 01/04/2005 : 23:56:09
Hi all, my name is Jeff. I was recommended Dr.Sarno's book by a friend this morning and I promptly went and picked it up. I just finished reading it this evening. I couldn't put it down. This is so hard to believe the emotions I am dealing with right now. It is like such a solid light but I never realized how many emotional issues I may really have. This is crazy.
I have been given a really douzy of a problem that I think now is related to TMS. I have extreme acute pain in lower back both sides, midback, upperback, shoulder, down to the hand, waking up with hands asleep, numb feet, front thigh sciatica in left and right pain in the thighs. I have a strong pulling sensation across my back that just feels really weird. I have also been in the doctors office for bad undiagnosed stomach problems and I have strong hay fever. All kinds of good stuff and been off work now for a few weeks. Just couldn't deal with everything.
I have been to chiro, art, acupuncture, physio, traction, and I have an MRI scheduled for Sunday. Nothing is responding and it keeps changing everywhere on my back!!! I couldn't understand why my therapist was so perplexed when I told her what was happening!
I am so glad I have found this site. I will be regular for sure. Even before I read this book, I had always talked with my wife about stress and tension being a factor. It just felt that way. I can't describe it. Weird for sure.
The only problem I wanted to ask you guys about is dealing with a spouse. Our marriage has been very rocky for the last while and she has had a terrible time dealing with me in pain and not picturing our life together. She is quite negative sometimes and constantly reminding me of the problems with my back. It is definately one of these emotions that I have been struggling with for some time. I know I have repressed emotions with our relationship but I am afraid of what will happen.
Any help would be great.
Thank you for all your story. I have so much hope. Thanks!!!!
Jeff |
| 20 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| tennis tom |
Posted - 01/10/2005 : 21:16:45
Jeffrey, sorry to hear she's putting you through hell. I've been there and it's the worst I ever felt. That's what triggered my TMS. Unfortunately, I didn't know of Sarno then. It took me a few years to find his books. At least you have some ammunition to help you understand the source of your pain. I vowed if it ever happened to me again, I would get in my car and get as far away as fast as I could. My ex was using alcohol to fuel her toxic behavior. She's married now and we are now amicable. She occasionaly alludes to that psychotic period and admits to being able to remember very little of it. My advice would be to offer to get counseling, (my ex wouldn't), and if she won't go for it, leave and don't tell her where you are going. You sound like a nice and together guy. No one deserves to be treated the way she is treating you. Get yourself some help or do whatever you have to do to protect yourself until she regains her sanity. |
| mala |
Posted - 01/10/2005 : 18:37:27
Jefferey,
I have been reading your posts again. I am with a man who is supportive no matter what I do so it is hard for me to hear about the way your wife has been dealing with you and your problem. I don't know whether it is clear to you but it is very clear to me that you need to really sort out your marriage in order to sort out the pain . They are most definitely linked.
You say your wife thinks you are nuts to believe in Sarno. Fair enough. It is hard for many people to understand and believe in his theory but then you say she is into alternative medicine and that she doesn't have much faith in the traditional system. Well I would have thought that she would be much more receptive to the idea than most people would be then. You also say that she insisted on you having the MRI. You know Jeffrey, you say you did the MRI out of curiosity but I get the feeling you really did it to avoid further conflict with your wife. After all you mention in your posts that she is very dominating.
My question of the day however, is it possible to have a relationship between someone with TMS and someone who does not believe in it, still tied down to the thought that there is something wrong with my back? We compromised that I would deal with it on my own and she wouldn't say anything about it but I know this is going to reveal its ugly head again.
My question is what do you want? It is easy to blame the sad situation of your relationship on tms (which probably does contribute in a small way) but can't you see that there is much more than tms going on here. Laura is probably right that if you can't see what the real problem is then you need outside help. Ripping up books, inflicting bodily harm and threatening suicide sound serious.
In what way do you think you contribute to all that rage?
I'd like to ask you a few questions. You say you have been married for nearly a year and a half. Can you tell me when your pain started? Also you say that your wife is in the medical field but you never actually say what it is she does. Take care Jeffrey and I wish you all the best.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| Laura |
Posted - 01/10/2005 : 11:48:24
Jeffrey,
Oh, my gosh! I really feel badly for you and what you are going through. Your post made me want to cry.
Again, I'm not a psychotherapist but just wondering about a few things. Is your wife on any meds for depression or anything? I know all the latest hype about Paxil, etc. says that these medications can cause erratic behavior and even suicidal tendencies. Is she seeing a therapist? It sounds like she really has a lot of anger she needs to work out and she's taking it out on you. And you, the goodist and the perfectionist, are taking it all because you feel you have to.
I just went back in and re-read your post and saw that your wife threatened to kill you. I truly hope for both of your sake that you guys are getting some professional help here. This sounds really serious. And through it all, somehow your back is feeling better. That's what I am amazed by. No support, death threats, being treated like a punching bag, and your back is okay? Forget about the TMS right now. I'd be worried for my life.
I really hope you and your wife will get some outside professional help because this doesn't sound like your every day, run of the mill marital stress. My husband and I fight too, but this sounds way over the top. Please take care of yourself.
Laura
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| jeffrey |
Posted - 01/10/2005 : 06:53:11
Hello everybody,
Just been through hell and back with my wife. It was an insane weekend. On the verge of divorce, she took it out through physical abuse (she wailed away at my back), threats of killing me, and even I was talking her out of suicide. The tension was out of control. ALthough, my back pain is still way less than it was. It is still there in a controlled format. I am still sticking so strongly with my Dr.Sarno principles. I did go to the MRI yesterday, I had strong back pain as I was going there, but once it was done, the pain went away again. I think I was happy that it was over with. Trust me on this one, this is not going to distract my thinking. I felt totally in control of that situation. Things has subsided a bit, she is finally starting to understand what I am going through. Sometimes I don't know why, but I have optioned for reconciliation. There is going to be big changes but I am going to hang in there. Now that I am writing this, I sound like an abuse victim. I don't know, I just don't know.
My question of the day however, is it possible to have a relationship between someone with TMS and someone who does not believe in it, still tied down to the thought that there is something wrong with my back? We compromised that I would deal with it on my own and she wouldn't say anything about it but I know this is going to reveal its ugly head again.
Any help would be great.
Jeff |
| Stryder |
Posted - 01/07/2005 : 23:33:18
Hi Jeff,
Like yourself, the first time I read Sarno's book I was awestruck. It was like the words on the page were reading my mind.
Here's a post I saw here a while back, its short but says so much...
Posted - 10/15/2004 : 14:39:50
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
quote:
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Originally posted by floridaboy
TMS'ers think and live in the extreme...
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Wow, that one line really sums it up and puts my TMS at a new level of understanding for me. Its like you read my mind. Thanks, -Stryder
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| Laura |
Posted - 01/07/2005 : 11:12:19
Jeffrey,
I was very moved by your posts as well. I cannot imagine my husband ripping up my books. In fact, my husband is my biggest source of support and he continuously reminds me to think psychological not physical. Just recently we were taking a road trip because of my fear that flying will trigger more of my vertigo symptoms. My husband kept reminding me that Dr. Sarno would say to get on the darn plane and face things. I had a little harder time convincing him that his chest pain was TMS but eventually I did, and the pain is gone.
A husband and a wife are a team. They support one another. My husband has been going through horrendous job stress for about 10 to 12 years. I have been his number one source of support and I have to tell you, after awhile it was getting really old but I still hung in there. As a mother, I almost feel a protective sense of him in the same way I do our two daughters. I want the best for him and I listen when he needs a sounding board. I think that's what a wife is supposed to do.
Jeffrey, you sound like you have a lot to offer someone and maybe you should think about at least a temporary separation to see where things go from there. Normally, I would think counseling would help but this sounds like it's way beyond the scope of counseling. Sometimes when we separate ourselves from someone things begin to come into focus more clearly. I'm not a therapist but in my opinion it sounds like your wife is a HUGE part of your TMS.
And, did you ever stop to think that she doesn't want you to get well? Maybe she is angry that you are getting better. I have heard of this type of thing before -- one spouse improves and the other becomes angry at them. Who knows. Maybe a trained professional can help but I would be very cautious.
Anyway, welcome to the board and feel free to vent here any time. It's such a comfort to know there are other people out there who are going through the same issues and who understand you.
Good luck to you, Jeffrey.
Laura
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| Logan |
Posted - 01/07/2005 : 08:36:14
Jeffrey,
I was quite moved by your posts. I am very fortunate that my husband has always been very supportive of my healing; it was extremely helpful for me to have him as a sounding board for my thoughts on TMS, for the thinking-out-loud that I did in the beginning when I was trying to determine if TMS was indeed what I had and then trying to root out where my rage was. I am sad for you that your wife is not respecting your belief that TMS is the cause of your pain. I'm glad, however, to know that you've found the board and want to welcome you. It sounds like you've already made quite a lot of progress, congratulations on getting back in your skates!
Do you think that your wife might be open to couple's counseling? Do you think that, with professional help, you could work things out to where she would at least not interfere with your healing, even if she wouldn't necessarily agree with and support you in it? I would be cautious about choosing a therapist if she is; make sure to see someone who will respect, if not necessarily agree with, Sarno's mindbody theories and your own.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said the saddest part is that she may not really know you; I think that's what we all need and want is for someone to know us and love us as we really are. I think that healing from TMS is getting to know and love yourself as is.
As for the MRI, I guess I was fortunate in the fact that I have an "abnormally" normal skeleton; my MRI showed only one very slight anomaly which the physician said was "nothing." During my healing process, it was helpful for me to think of the MRI and how there was "nothing" wrong with me. A "normal" MRI result might also be the case for you if your TMS is presenting as what the medicos call "soft tissue damage," meaning "we don't know what the hell is going on." Then again, it could go the other way and you may have to work extra hard to repudiate a structural misdiagnosis of the "gray hairs of the spine." Let us know which way you decide to go, or if you need more help deciding...
Logan |
| jeffrey |
Posted - 01/07/2005 : 06:02:56
another update:
had a tough night sleep last night, so many thoughts.
however, my pain back is disappearing. so much relief! just incredible.
thank you all!!!! and thank you Dr.Sarno...
my journey continues....
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| jeffrey |
Posted - 01/06/2005 : 17:10:18
and by the way...it felt great to say that. |
| jeffrey |
Posted - 01/06/2005 : 17:05:43
The crazy thing is that she is in the medical field, but at the same time she can't stand our public health system and its abnormalities, as well she strongly believes in non-traditional therapy because she practices yoga and other natural health medicines. Things are still being revealed to me as we move through these days. I bought Sarno's The Mind Body Prescriptions this afternoon (she wasn't too happy about). I am also seriously considering what you guys are saying about the MRI.
However, I am really sorry to report, that I really think my marriage is coming apart as we speak. It is truly unfortunate, she is not going to understand what I am experiencing. I think deep down I have had strong tension built up over our relationship. I am completely normal on the outide (strong social skills, successful in work, good family) but I have always felt stress with us. She dominates most of me but i always just took it and never stood up for my emotions. This sounds like a pure recipe for TMS. Crazy. Just Crazy. I am still commmitted though because I know you guys understand the physical and mental pain that I have gone through and I don't want it to continue.
The saddest part is that my wife and i only got married 1.5 years ago and i think she will never have gotten to see the true me.  |
| tennis tom |
Posted - 01/06/2005 : 15:47:41
Jeff,
From here, I think your TMS and your relationship to your wife are the same thing. My TMS began with a very traumatic, long lasting relationship break-up. Do to my TMS history, I may not be objective, but I think relationships are the biggest cause of TMS. I think TMS is the most communicable social disease there is.
It sounds like you are making great progress, skating and improved sleep. I accept Dr. Sarno's 25 years of clinical study as the science that backs up his TMS theory. I think you mentioned that your wife works in the medical field. They are the last people on the planet that will accept TMS theory. I hear that Sarno is a lonely man at NYU Hospital, somewhat of an outcaste amnogst his fellow doctors.
I am surprised that your wife is not rejoicing with you about your progress. Maybe she feels threatened because you are getting better and that it is not through "conventional" medical means. Have you thought of or tried marriage counseling? Good Luck, you've got my sympathies, crazy relationships are the worst. |
| holly |
Posted - 01/06/2005 : 15:10:36
She ripped up your book  That's like ripping up your bible! I don't know Jeffrey about this wife of your's. I know I shouldn't be saying that but I can't help myself. You say you love her dearly so I won't say much more.  |
| Susie |
Posted - 01/06/2005 : 12:25:01
Jeffry- I am certainly no psychologist, but your wife's anger and rage certainly stems from more than your tms thinking. Ripping up a book that you are interested in shows tremendous anger. I think you have 2 major issues to contend with. One is your relationship and the other tms. Perhaps you would be wise to work on the tms by yourself and not include her in your thought process. I don't think it sounds as if she can give you an objective opinion. It certainly sounds as if you are having a very stressful and tramatic time. |
| jeffrey |
Posted - 01/06/2005 : 12:00:15
Thanks again.
Things are progressing for myself personally but they are deteriating on the home front. We just finished a big arguement. She thinks that I am crazy and possessed and that I am not including her in my experience. But I feel no matter what happens I have to deal this TMS this way. I have given her all the answers but she says there is no facts no science. She ripped up the book already so I may have to buy another one. I don't know what to do. My marriage is falling apart but I still think that TMS is the problem. She just won't accept it.
And the thing that kills me is that I love her very dear.
Jeff |
| diverlarry |
Posted - 01/06/2005 : 10:28:29
Jeff
I was at a xmas party this year and was talking to a group of people i knew. They knew i had had back problems for a long time. One person asked me how i was. I told them i was doing great. They then asked me what was wrong and had caused the problem. I told them it was just tension and stress. Everyone got silent, looked at me like i was crazy then changed the subject.
It must be very difficult when your wife dosen't believe there is TMS. She might not even believe you when you get better that that was the cause. Some people will never be convinced. Sounds like your making progress. Programming takes a long time to change. At least for me it does. You make progress and maybe have a little flareup or setback, but keep going. Then one day you start to realize something is different. What is different is your pain is gone and you don't think about it anymore.
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| jeffrey |
Posted - 01/06/2005 : 07:15:59
Hello Everybody.
Just wanted to keep you posted. I went skating yesterday. My lower back is hurting, but I don't believe it is from the physical activity. I think my back is trained to think that physical activity means pain, so I am not being fooled by it. The pain in my upper back and legs have subsided considerably. I had a great night sleep last night and I even watched some TV from the "soft" couch!!!
I have decided to go ahead with the MRI. There is no doubt that I am doing it for everybody else except for me. I see no value in it. I strongly believe that I am suffering from TMS. However, I am only going for "curioiusity" sake, just to see what my back actually looks like. I also must take into consideration that I am short-term disability and that I have to be careful in this matter. But I will not let the results skew me. I really believe this.
I dropped the bomb on my wife last night. I really think she thinks I am nutz. She called me everything from possessed to psycho. I had an answer for everything she asked. She is in the medical field which makes it even more difficult. I am trying to get her to read the book because I feel she is also suffering some effects of this. She threatened the marriage if I don't do the therapy and the MRI and whatnot. It is so hard.
Mentally, I feel so much better. I can completely see what you guys are saying about living a new way. I spent so much time avoiding issues. I realize now that I have to take on every task and thought and my back usually responds positive if I think this way. I also did some screaming in the car which felt really good!!!
I know this pain is going to go away.
Thanks everybody
Jeff |
| mala |
Posted - 01/06/2005 : 00:01:50
After reading all the posts under this topic what do YOU really want to do about the MRI? Do YOU still want to go ahead or are you using your wife as an excuse to go. If you do want it then just go for it but if you don't, then you will just have to explain to her the best you can why you want to postpone.
In my opinion the last thing you need right now is some scary diagnosis which will just compound your existing problem. Be sure your results WILL reveal at least one ofthese
disk herniation
disk protrusion
degeneration
arthritis
stenosis
scoliosis
slipped disk
kyphosis
lordosis
etc.etc.
Why? Because nearly all of us have something or the other in our spine after our twenties. Some of us may even have had them since birth without even realising it. Do these actually cause pain. No, they don't. I have yet to meet anyone who went in for an MRI and was not told there is something the matter.
So, you choose.
Good Luck & Good Health
Mala |
| diverlarry |
Posted - 01/05/2005 : 11:08:54
Hi Jeff
I had a MRI done before i read Dr Sarno's books and new about TMS. The medical report from the hospital described what was wrong. Hernaited disk, torn disk, bulging disk, disks smaller, etc. When my Doctor seen it, she said the ruptured may have caused the initial pain. But she also said it may have been that way for years. She said there was nothing seriously wrong with me and what the MRI showed was not unusual.
I was very surprised becasue i thought she would tell me what was wrong and i would then get it fixed and everything would be fine.
I asked her why i was in pain all the time. She said she did not know. She recommended i read the book "Back Sense".
She then said to start exercising again and to also go and have some fun. The book Back Sense got me going on the right path. But Dr Sarno's books are what really did the job.
That was my experience with a MRI. Im glad i did not see a doctor who would have recommended surgery, because it would have been wrong.
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| Carol |
Posted - 01/05/2005 : 11:05:35
Hi Jeffrey. I just want to quickly weigh in on the side of the folks who suggest that you at least postpone the MRI unless or until you are very secure in the TMS diagnosis. I am convinced that my doctor's diagnosis of damaged nerve, confirmed by EMG, is preventing me from defeating my back pain. I have defeated all kinds of TMS equivalents because I never believed or was never told that I had a physical reason for any of them. This one is harder, because I can't seem to get beyond the test results.
If you try Sarno's method and feel better, you will have evidence of the correctness of the diagnosis. Then if you really feel compelled to have the doctors identify every little anomaly of your spine go ahead with the MRI. You will already know the truth!
Carol |
| jeffrey |
Posted - 01/05/2005 : 10:33:01
Thanks everybody.
I can't tell you how happy I am, your encouragement and response has helped tremendously. I still feel that I have lots of things to deal with, but I am starting to feel that I can deal with them. This is such a powerful change. I can't believe it. I still have some pain but my body is defanately making changes. One of things (being from Canada) that I was worried was that I wouldn't be able to play hockey for a long time. I might go for a little leisure skate this afternoon and I am looking forward to it.
Keep ya posted. |
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